ℍ𝕠𝕨 was I supposed to act now, knowing what I knew? What Cersei had told me... She had been right, it was a dangerous thing to say, dangerous knowledge in the hands of the wrong people, but she had told me, had deemed it more important, because the secret was worth nothing to her if I didn't know. Still, I didn't know how to respond to it. Deep down I knew that I wanted to agree with her, to go to her and tell her yes, I felt the same, but how could I? The Lannisters were to be treated with warily, it was one thing to befriend one, but quite another to- I rose from my bed, resolving to just avoid the queen for today and hope for some solution to my dilemma to spring forth from my thoughts until tomorrow. This was easier said than done, though. Our daily lives had intertwined more than I had consciously noticed until now. I grabbed my books and whistled for Rhaenys to come with me. Hoping that I wouldn't run into Cersei there, I went to the Godswood. The smooth trunk of the weirwood made for a good backrest, and while Rhaenys chased birds through the trees, I spread my books around me and began to study. But it was no use. All the words reminded me of how I taught them to Cersei, which brought my mind back to last night. I turned the page to a random chapter farther back that we hadn't read together yet, but by Murphy's law it was a story about a lion. I was about to fling the book away, but a heap of tawny fur dropped down onto it. "I know, girl", I sighed as I rubbed Rhaenys's coarse fur, "it shouldn't trouble me so much." Her wise purple eyes stared up into mine as if she understood exactly what I was saying. "But I can't help it, she's consumed me entirely. Everywhere I go, I think about her, everything reminds me of her. What am I to make of this? Have I been lying to myself all along, not wanting to believe what was right in front of me? I'm not sure if I have the strength to deny it any longer." Rhaenys licked my face. "You're right, girl, what am I telling you for? If I want to stop fearing what's between us, I need to talk to her. I'll go to her, right now in fact." Sitting up abruptly, I pressed my books to my chest and strode toward the castle more confidently than I felt. But in the garden, there was no Cersei. She had probably left when she didn't find me there at our usual time. I bit my lip, feeling a little guilty. What must she think of me? That I was appalled by her confession, that I went to tell someone, that I didn't want to spend time with her anymore? Without any explanation for my behavior, she could not know what I thought of the things she had told me in confidence. I did my best to push the thoughts away, knowing that now I had at least tried to find her and talk to her, and although it was little comfort, I managed to study for an inconsecutive hour at least.

When I heard her steps on the stone behind me, though, my heart beat high in my chest. All my momentary courage had ceased, and I did not know what to say to her. "Vallery", she said, sounding surprised even though she had to have seen me for a while to approach me. "I wondered where you were this morning. I'm... glad to see you." Her voice was soft as she moved to the chair next to me. "May I sit?" Since when did she ask me for permission? "Of course", I replied, keeping my gaze to the paper while I gathered my thoughts. How was I going to do this? I couldn't just tell her, the words would stick in my throat and never find their way out if I tried. I handed her a page, hoping it would keep her from initiating a conversation I wasn't ready for. She took it wordlessly, eyes flicking over the paper. I prayed she didn't see my unsteady breathing while I shuffled through the papers in front of me pointlessly, just needing something to do with my hands. We said nothing, reading and writing with only a few awkward glances dared at each other, while I desperately tried to form a plan in my mind. All the scenarios I played out ended in me not knowing what to say, though, and I was at a loss until my eyes fell on a specific word on the page I was reading. I knew she had learned enough to understand what I was going to say, still I watched her face breathlessly as I spoke the words. "Nyke avy jorrāelan." Startled by my sudden breaking of the silence, she looked up at me, and I could see the change in her expression when she processed what I had said. Her lips parted slightly, and her eyes took on a thankful kind of relief as she smiled. "I thought you didn't", she whispered. "I thought it had been a mistake to-" "It wasn't", I replied. "You may have made many mistakes, but that wasn't one of them." The words meant more than they said, they were acceptance, embracing the imperfect, loving what you shouldn't love despite the risk, despite the circumstances, despite history. Cersei edged her seat closer to mine and laid a hand on mine. It felt so right in that moment, I didn't know how I had been so blind before. The feeling in my stomach and heart and head that had been so unbearable felt sweet now, a welcome companion because I finally had a name for it. Raqnon. Love. I embraced the feeling, saw it no longer as a threat, but rather as an invitation to a miraculous journey that I couldn't wait to embark on. Rhaenys whined and put her snout on the table beside our hands. I laughed and petted her head, and Cersei carefully scratched her ear. "Want to take this inside?", she asked. I nodded and gathered up my things.

I had dinner with the queen again that night. My dress was more revealing, a slim-fitted gown of rose silk with golden embroidery on the sleeves and thin white fur lining at the collar. Cersei wore a similar shade, but her dress was wider at the bottom and had slitted sleeves that showed the milky skin of her arms. "So, why were you gone this morning?", Cersei asked as she reached for her wine cup. "I was scared, I didn't know what to say. I had to admit my own feelings to myself before I could talk to you. I'm sorry if my absence unsettled you, I see how it could have been received." "Yes, I really did wonder if I should regret telling you for a moment. But I'm glad I didn't have to." She smiled and drank. "And I'm glad you finally let yourself off the hook - I was about to lose my mind watching you struggle with yourself not to realize your feelings." I blushed. Had it been so obvious externally even when it hadn't made sense to myself? "I suppose I just didn't know what it was." "Really? Have you never been in love before?" I shook my head. "I have", she said, eyes staring off into the room, not really seeing. "He... no, I shouldn't tell you about this. Surely you don't want to hear about my past lovers. What matters is that it's over, we're close, but the relationship lost its charm." I didn't quite know what to say to that. "Sorry, I've ruined the mood. Let us not talk of this any more." I nodded, but wondered who she may have meant. Obviously not Robert, and not Rhaegar either, who she was promised to first, because he was dead and she could hardly be close to him if he was. But who else? Surely there would have been talk about the queen having a lover, unless... unless no one knew, like no one would know about us. But why, if he was a man, why did they have to hide it? Perhaps it had been during her marriage to Robert. Cersei stood up and walked over to me. "So if you've never been in love, then you've never been... intimate with anyone, have you?", she asked, leaning down to my face. "No", I breathed. She kissed me in response, softly at first, then with more longing, taking my face into her hands while she seated herself on my lap. She tasted of wine and lavender and lust. Our lips only parted long enough for Cersei to say: "Count yourself lucky I'm your first, then." She pushed my skirts up to my waist and fumbled with my smallclothes before pulling up her own dress to fall over our naked skin. Gods be good, I'm fucking the queen, was the last thing I thought before all reason was pushed from my mind by her fingers. I had never felt sexual pleasure before, hadn't even tried it with myself, but I was certain there couldn't be anyone better at it than her. Her every move inside and against me felt so good, so right, and there was something so intimate, so connecting about her being inside my body. "Why are you stopping?", I gasped when for the second time, just as my breathing started to quicken, she pulled back. She gave me a wicked grin. "Why, I want you to savor your first time, little cub, make it last as long as possible. You'll have to beg me if you want release." She did it two more times before taking mercy on my pleas. This is heaven, this is bliss, I thought while I felt waves of euphoria wash over me, slowly dawning from my core and soon consuming me whole, body and mind. It was over too soon for me, no matter how long it had actually been. My gown beneath me was soaked, there was no way I could return to my room this way. "Stay", Cersei said. "You can sleep with me for the night, I'll see to it that no one will disturb us." I was high on her, I wanted more, wanted her. All my questions of the past weeks were answered, this longing I had felt, it had led me to her. I pulled off my gown completely and climbed into the queen's bed. Cersei gave a short command to her handmaiden in front of the door saying that she didn't wish to be woken up tomorrow morning and would call for her herself when she had need of her.

Lying in Cersei's arms, I felt as safe and sheltered as never before. Why did we have to hide this? Could something that felt so unquestionably right truly be wrong in the eyes of gods and men? I felt her golden hair tickle my breast as she tried to get comfortable, her hips brushing against mine. My fingers stroked the soft skin of her back, and she stirred, eyes opening to look at me. Seeing that I wasn't going to say anything, she kissed me and settled her head on the pillow again to sleep. Soon, I felt her breath slow and even against my shoulder, her chest rising and falling in rhythm. I am in deep now, I thought. Before, I could always have backed out of my building affection for her, could have refused it was ever there, but now I was properly in love, unable to resist even if I had to. It was a plunge I was willing to take, a leap of faith into her heart, falling away from the safe ground I had stood on all my life and praying my fall would be cushioned as promised. Little cub, she had called me. She had the right of it, I was a cub, still, with so much to learn, as she had shown me tonight. But cubs have teeth too. My love for her wasn't going to make me defenseless, I was still a wolf with all my heart. A wolf that loved a lion. I knew the risk of loving a Lannister, and I wouldn't let my naivety get the better of me. I would enjoy it with all I had, and hopefully make her enjoy it too, and if the day would come that it turned out to be a mistake, I would have the strength to walk away. Or so I would have myself believe, because what else could I do? Looking at her in my arms, I couldn't even bear to think of this ever going south. It was so perfect, imperfectly perfect, a match made in the seven hells paving the way to heaven, and it was mine. Mine and hers.

(https://www.pinterest.com/pin/155022412148387701/ Image link for picture of Rhaenys, eyes edited by me)