𝕀𝕥 was the day of our departure to King's Landing. A servant I did not know, evidently one of the queen's, came running up to me just as I was about to mount my horse. "My Lady! My Lady! Stop", she panted. "Stop, don't- mount-" "Catch your breath, dear. Does the queen always hurry you like this? What is it?" "The queen has requested you to accompany her in the wheelhouse." Not requested, I thought, demanded. "Alright, alright, of course. That's what she made you run all the way here for?", I asked, raising an eyebrow. "She made it sound very urgent", the servant replied quietly. Of course she would. She had said as much that night in her chambers, I would be strictly surveilled from now on. I gave my horse's reins to the stableboy and followed the servant, making a point of walking slowly to show Cersei what I thought of her excessive paranoia. It had the desired effect. "It wouldn't kill you to walk faster than a snail, you know", she greeted me when I stopped before the wooden build. "Good morrow to you too, Your Grace", I replied sweetly while climbing inside and taking a seat across from her. She looked back at me unfaltering. "Are you sure you want to sit on that side?", she asked as she rapped on the door twice for the coachman to depart. The carriage jerked to a start, and I was flung off my seat, falling right onto Cersei. I looked up at her in a death stare, but said nothing as I gathered myself off the floor and her lap and sat beside her, keeping a good distance. Neither of us talked. After a bit, Cersei broke the silence. "So, do you think you will like it in King's Landing?" I didn't answer. "I asked you a question." Still, I said nothing, fearing that if I opened my mouth, a whole lot of words best not addressed to a royal would come pouring out. Neither did I dare to look at her, apprehending the opposite: that I would forget my caution as I always did when I beheld her face. How had I let her gain such control over me? It hadn't been a conscious decision on either of our parts, I felt like. Cersei suddenly grabbed my wrist. "Sulk all you want when you're alone if you enjoy it so much, but right now the queen is talking to you and I expect you to at least have the decency to reply when spoken to." The edge in her voice told me that this was no time for powerplay, so I finally answered her question, though still not turning my head. "I hope so. Although I hardly know a thing about the place, really." She didn't let go of my wrist, but her grip loosened, her hand just resting on my skin. "Do you want to?", she asked, sounding neither excited nor reluctant to tell me, more disinterested. "I guess", I replied in the same tone. She cleared her throat, her hand still unmoving. "It's much warmer down south. You won't be needing all of these-" Her other hand twisted a strand of the fur on my cloak. "- and I think you'll want new dresses, too, your Northern ones are too thick. I'll see to it. The city smells like shit and rot, to be honest, but you don't notice any of that in the Red Keep, it's high enough up to be out of reach of the scent. The food-" Was she rambling? Gods, she really was desperate to make conversation. It was too awkward for me to let her go on. "Do you have pomegranates in the capital?", I picked up on the subject she had opened. I loved pomegranates, those would be at least one good thing out of this shithole of a city. "We do", Cersei said, seeming relieved I was finally engaging in the conversation. I nodded, continuously staring at the closed shutters. I couldn't look at her, not when I was just barely able to talk to her without wanting to hit her for once- I stopped myself at the thought: no, I didn't mean that. I didn't want to hit her. Robert was hitting her, I knew. I had seen the bruises through the lace of her dress, some old and faded, some new and purple against her ivory skin. It had bothered me to see that, even though I didn't care about her. Yes, she was horrible, but that was no justification for how he was treating her. Again, my own thoughts gave me pause to consider. All those things I had heard about her had painted a picture of a nightmarish villain in my head, a remorseless monster whose sadism knew no limits, but what had she actually done so far that was so bad? What harm had she ever done me? I had been angered by the way she spoke to me multiple times, but she was the queen after all, she didn't owe anyone courtesy, and even my own brothers and sisters got me worked up sometimes. Had I just been convinced to see the beast I had expected, even though it didn't exist?

I forced myself to look at her. Immediately, I felt that familiar pull that dulled my senses and wits, but this time, I found myself giving in to it, wanting to know what it was that made my heart ache every time I looked at the queen. Heartbreakingly beautiful, it flashed through my head. Was that it? But what was this other feeling, this want I had puzzled at before, why did it tear at my stomach like something was missing from me? I felt my heartbeat uncomfortably in my ribs and throat. I didn't understand a thing about all of this. My thoughts were running through my head like tourney horses, and somewhere amidst them lay the answer, somehow familiar, instinctual, but I could not get to it, and whenever I tried to reach for it, a sense of danger overcame me, like the explanation for what I felt would be my downfall. But I needed an answer, needed to know why looking at this woman made me feel so terrible and so good at the same time. I closed my eyes to shut it all out. "Vallery? Are... you alright?" Cersei's voice pulled me back to reality. "You look unwell." I slowly shook my head. "No, I... Forgive me, I was dreaming." How long have I been staring at her for? She must think me insane. "What about?" "Um... it was nothing. Just, uh, my family. I'll miss them, in the south." Cersei nodded, but regarded me for a moment longer. She didn't believe me, but thankfully didn't ask any further. The wheelhouse stopped suddenly and a moment later, the door was opened, letting in a cool breeze. "Your Grace, my Lady", the servant said, nodding at us both, "we will stop for a few hours to rest and eat here." Cersei got up without another word and stepped outside. I hadn't noticed until now that her hand had remained on my wrist all morning, and the touch lingered when she left. I looked at the tingling skin and sighed silently. What are you doing to me, Cersei? I thought her name without negative feelings this time. I eventually exited the carriage and looked to where Robert and my father were eating together. Cersei was sitting by herself, chewing at a chicken leg in small bites and staring ahead absent-mindedly. I didn't know what compelled me to, but I walked past my sisters and approached her. She looks so lonely, so vulnerable. Was that the truth of it? Was she truly just feeling lonely, with her husband an abusive drunk and her reputation so fearsome? I was still a good 30 feet away from her when her twin brother Jaime stepped to her side and her face lit up. Right, she still had her family. As I had mine. I turned back and sat with my sisters. "What was that about?", asked Arya with her mouth full. "Swallow before you speak", I scolded her and avoided the question. The truth was, I didn't know either. Not an hour before, I had been convinced I didn't care about the queen, but now I wasn't so sure. Somehow, at some point during this ride, I had grown attached, and I had no idea why. She hadn't said anything to make me change my attitude towards her. But maybe that was just it. She hadn't tried, hadn't forced me to pretend I liked her, hadn't been as self-centered as I had experienced her the night we fought. Maybe that had just been a reflection of her rage, not of her. But why, why in the seven hells was I even thinking about this for so long? Why did I care? Why were these thoughts and feelings occupying my mind? What was the point? And why, even after this realization, could I not let it go? 

When we returned to the wheelhouse, I sat right beside her. I avoided her eyes, and in reality my feelings, I didn't want to deal with my confusion right now. We made light conversation, about our families and castles, the current conflicts between greater and lesser houses, nothing of import. But I could tell she was grateful for my company, whyever that was. And when the hour grew late and she fell asleep and slumped against my shoulder, I strangely didn't mind. Even though I hadn't wanted to sleep in one room with her before, I felt comfortable enough right there, leaning against her, to doze off to the rhythmic rocking of the carriage.

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I woke up at midday to loud arguing outside. Cersei jerked awake at the same time next to me. She leaned over and opened the door. "What is the meaning of this?", she shouted. "The prince was attacked", somebody called back. I watched her expression go from annoyed to scared. "Where is he? Is he okay? Take me to my son!" I had no choice but to follow her as she stormed towards the hall of the castle we had arrived at. Standing to the side, I could hear her whispering furiously to Robert, who seemed to want nothing to do with the matter. When Joffrey entered, she embraced him with a sigh. It took until the evening for my sister Arya to turn up, the supposed culprit. I didn't believe it for a second, but it wasn't my opinion that would matter. I could only hope Robert was a better judge than he was a husband. Relief filled me when my father joined us, he had always been good friends with the king - although I slightly questioned this friendship now knowing Robert's bad sides -, surely he would be able to clear this up. After making sure my sister was alright, he turned his attention to the king and queen. "What is the meaning of this?" Exactly what Cersei had asked, too. It must have all been a big misunderstanding. "Why was my daughter not brought to me at once?" "How dare you speak to your king in that manner?", Cersei asked. I swallowed hard. "Quiet, woman", Robert silenced her. "Sorry, Ned. I never meant to frighten the girl, but we need to get this business done quickly." "Your girl and that butcher's boy attacked my son", Cersei spoke up again. "That animal of hers nearly tore his arm off." "That's not true!", Arya shouted. "She just... bit him a little." Robert looked at her curiously. "He was hurting Micah", she continued, but Cersei interrupted again. "Joff told us what happened, you and that boy beat him with clubs while you set your wolf on him." Oh come on, you must realize how ridiculous this sounds. "That's not what happened!" "Yes it is! They all attacked me and she threw my sword in the river!" "Liar!" "Shut up!" Robert's booming voice stopped Arya and Joffrey's quarrel. "Enough! He tells me one thing, she tells me another - seven hells, what am I to make of this? Where's your other daughter, Ned?" "In bed, asleep." "She's not", Cersei said softly. For a moment I thought she meant me, but then she called Sansa forward from the back of the hall. Robert took over again. "Now, child, tell me what happened. Tell it all and tell it true, it's a great crime to lie to a king." Sansa looked back at our father uncertainly. Go on, tell them that Arya is innocent, I thought. What are you waiting for? "I don't know." Yes you do! You were there! Tell them! "I don't remember. Everything happened so fast, I didn't see." "Liar", yelled Arya and pulled Sansa's hair, causing both of my sisters to scream at each other. But suddenly I understood: Sansa was in love with Joffrey, she didn't want to betray him, but she didn't want to condemn her sister either. You sweet fool, how could you fall in love with one of them? This will only mean trouble. Father finally parted them and Cersei remarked with a smirk: "She's as wild as that animal of hers." I glared at her. Not helpful. "I want her punished." A cold shiver ran down my spine. "What would you have me do, whip her through the streets? Damnit, children fight, it's over." Yes. Please. "Joffrey will bear these scars for the rest of his life." Seven hells, couldn't she just let it go? But Robert didn't put the blame on Arya quite so easily. "You let that little girl disarm you", he said to Joffrey. "Ned, see to it that your daughter is disciplined. I'll do the same with my son." "Gladly, Your Grace." Robert rose from his seat to leave, but Cersei had to seize the last word. "And what of the direwolf? What of the beast that savaged your son?" The king remained silent for a moment, then turned back to his guards. "I forgot the damned wolf." "We found no trace of the direwolf, Your Grace", a guard reported. "No? So be it." Good, just let us finish this then. "We have another wolf", I heard Cersei say. No. Why would she do this? There was no reason. "As you will", the king said and stalked away. "You can't mean it", my father said in a hushed voice. "A direwolf's no pet. Get her a dog, she'll be happier for it." That was when Sansa realized. "He doesn't mean Lady, does he?" In that moment, as bad as I felt for my sister, I was incredibly glad that I hadn't been allowed to bring Rhaenys with me, or it might've been her dying now, given that the queen already disliked her. Was this my fault? Did Cersei only ask about the wolf because of Rhaenys, because of me? There was no real reason for killing Lady. She hadn't done anything, it should have been settled at Nymeria's disappearance: the wolf that hurt Joffrey was gone. "No, no, not Lady, Lady didn't bite anyone, she's good!", Sansa shouted. "Lady wasn't there", Arya supported her, "You leave her alone!" "She didn't do anything! Don't you touch her", I joined in. Sansa grabbed Father's arm. "Stop them, don't let them do it, please, it wasn't Lady!" Our father turned to Robert at the end of the hall. "Is this your command? Your Grace?" The king just gave him a long look and left for good. "Where is the beast?", Cersei asked. "Chained up outside, Your Grace", the guard from earlier answered. "Ser Ilyn, do me the honor", the queen addressed the royal executioner. "No", Father interjected. "Jory, take the girls to their rooms. If it must be done, I'll do it myself." Cersei was actually smiling at Sansa's sobs. You hateful bitch. Seems I was right about you all along. All the what-ifs, the excuses... for naught. You're exactly what I thought you were. "Is this some trick?" "The wolf is of the North. She deserves better than a butcher." Father exited after giving the queen a lingering look, and Sansa cried into Jory's shoulder. I only stared at Cersei, my eyes full of disgust. You vile creature. I will not forget this. Her eyes met mine, cold and arrogant as I had seen them before. But why, despite everything, why couldn't I shake this feeling of affection even now?