I'm pacing around the gym impatiently waiting for Raegan since she sent me a text telling me she's still going to meet up with me. I'd closed it early today because there's a huge snow storm brewing. I'm still hoping she'd be able to make it here. All I wanted to do was see her before she left. We didn't need to do anything sexual, even though yes, I would love to but it doesn't matter. I just want to see her.

I want to be alone with her without any prying eyes. I want to just look at her without anyone judging the way I'm doing so. I don't want to feel the judgment for loving a woman who's the mother of a son and the wife of another man. Because no matter what she was or is she's still Rae.

Rae. She's the woman I'm still in love with even after seven years. The woman who is still infatuated with me after all of these years. So, no, I don't give a single fuck what anyone thinks or how wrong this may seem to every other person. If you put yourself in my shoes you'd feel the same way.

The heart wants what it wants whether there's a wedding band tied to that or not. Paperwork is paperwork and metal is metal. A diamond is a diamond but it's not a heart. Not one that solely beats for one other person. And it's more than apparent Rae's heart still beat for me as mine has continuously beat for her.

Her body has changed after having someone else's child but it's still the most beautiful body to me. Her hips are a touch wider than they once were. Her stomach has marks it hadn't had before and is a touch softer than it used to be but she's still Rae. Rae will always be my Rae.

The most beautiful thing in my universe.

It doesn't matter. None of it matters as long as we're together. If her and Liam divorce I'm more than ready to take care of her and Jamie. I'd gladly help raise that little spitfire. He's a miniature Raegan. He's going to be a force to be reckoned with when he gets older. Which, if you ask me, would make him all the better boxer because of it.

My phone buzzes alerting me that Rae is indeed on her way here. She's just dropped Jamie off with my father and Katie. I'm assuming she got Liam to agree to one last playdate with Amelia. My father is going to know the moment he looks at Rae where she's going, I can almost guarantee that.

I pace around the gym a bit more feeling absolutely restless. All the feelings are going through me right now, every single one of them. I'm mad, sad, happy, angry; all of the emotions. I contemplate something in my brain for a moment but immediately shove that aside. I can't follow her to London. I really, really want to but Boston is my home and going to London would be next level stalker.

There are a few knocks at the door and my heart practically jumps right out of my chest knowing she's here. I go to the door and immediately open it. Her red hair is covered in the white powder from the snow that's steadily coming down outside.

I smile down to her and wrap my arms around her, hugging her tightly to me but she doesn't respond. She's as still as a small statue inside of my arms. My heart goes from beating out of my chest to plummeting to the fucking floor.

"So, this is it, huh?" I say as I pull away from her. When my eyes find hers they're hard, stern, not giving me anything, especially not love. "Alright," I nod my head a few times, looking away from her, "just came back to fuck with my heart all over again." She doesn't say anything. I'm sure she's just staring at me, giving me nothing and I can't look into her eyes and see that. "Yeah, I get it. Why not punch out another hole in my heart? Why not just make it fucking impossible for me to ever fucking move on, right? Just fuck me all up again. Why not just-"

I'm cut off by the sound of a sob that escapes her mouth. My head snaps directly back to her body that is now wracking with endless cries. I pull her back into my arms and she clings to me for dear life. I kiss the top of her head murmuring I'm sorry, telling her I love her, I'll always love her.

"I'm sorry," she sobs into me, "I'm so sorry, Seth." I tell her I am too as she continuously cries. "I don't want to leave. I don't. I, I-" My heart squeezes painfully because I don't want her to leave either.

"I get it, Rae." I don't know what I had been expecting but this wasn't it. I was hoping we'd just sit and be with each other but I should've known better. There was nothing ever relaxed or simple about anything having to do with me and Raegan. Everything was always so intense, so complicated.

She pulls out of my arms after a good while of crying into me. "I'm a fucking mess." Rae finally manages to utter.

"Come here." I gesture for her to follow me into the back. Once we're inside my office I grab her a few tissues and hand them to her. "Here," I said as I handed her the tissue.

She blows her nose and dries her face then eyes the bed off in the corner. "Why do you have a full-size bed in your office?"

"Well, I uh," I don't know how to continue that because I really don't want to tell her that for the longest time I couldn't sleep with anyone in my apartment. I couldn't even sleep in there without thinking of her. "you know, late nights." That's all I manage to say and she just nods. She probably saw the lie all over my face.

"I don't know how you did it."

"Did what?"

"Stayed in Boston. Stayed in the same spot. The only way I was able to push you into the back of my mind was in London. I can't imagine being here with-"

"All of the reminders? All of the memories?" I said which she gives me a nod to. "Yeah, why do you think there's a bed in here? The one place we had no memories. I couldn't even sleep with anyone for the longest time after you got married, Rae. You remember Irina?"

"The girl you brought to the wedding?"

"I called out your name when I was with her. I've done that several times with a number of women." I give her a sad smile. "You never left my mind. So, this is where I brought all my one-night-stands or girls I was regularly with because if I brought them back to my place the odds of me calling out your name were 50/50."

"Seth," she takes a step toward me and places a hand on my face.

"I know," I look down to her, "pathetic right?"

"No, not pathetic at all." She flutters those lashes up at me and I can't help but lean down and kiss her. She pulls away saying, "Seth, we can't." I peck her lips. "I can't." I peck them one more time. "I-,"

"You what?" I think back to something she'd once said to me. "I thought there was no saying no to me?"

"There isn't. So, please, please just-"

"Just let you go." I peck her lips one more time and pull away. "I've said it a million times but just so you never forget, I love you, Rae. I'll always love you." She nods but doesn't respond to my words. "It's snowing pretty hard out. You want me to bring you home?"

"I don't know if that's a good idea, Seth."

"We're basically having a fucking Nor'easter. If anything happened to you or Jamie I wouldn't ever be able to forgive myself." My mother died in a storm much like this one and she knows it.

"You are a good driver in the snow." She said resignedly.

"I'm a fucking New Englander, baby." I give her a wink and a smirk. "I was made for weather like this."

She takes my hand, follows me out saying, "that you are, Seth. That you are."

✩✩✩

I'd gone with Rae to my father's place to pick up Jamie. The moment he opened the door he'd looked at me with a sad frown. I hadn't been expecting that. I'd been expecting contempt or disdain not impartial sadness. He fucking felt bad for me and I'm sure that's because he knows how badly I wish they were mine; Jamie and Rae.

When Jamie had run directly into my arms and I'd picked him up happily, I felt the pain take root again. Not only am I losing Raegan. This time I'm losing Jamie too. I'm losing both of them this time. That thought had fucking sucked and when I'd said goodbye to my father he'd given me the saddest face. He'd hugged me close telling me to drive safe with them.

Once I'd installed Jamie's car seat in the truck and propped him up in it, I'd closed the door feeling glad my windows were tinted. I was glad because I pulled Raegan into my arms, out of Jamie's eyesight, and pressed her body gently up against the side of my truck. I'd kissed her with every single thing I had in me. It was a goodbye kiss for the books.

She'd fisted her hands in my hair. She'd moaned into my lips softly, the most beautifully sad noise I've ever heard. It was almost like she was moaning in despair and my heart had broken again, as it has broken so many times before. I didn't know loving someone would ever be this hard, this painful.

When we'd finally detached we just stared at each other, snow falling down all around us. It was there, it was unspoken, but we both held each other's eyes saying it to one another wordlessly. I love you. Because neither of us dared say those words out loud again.

We'd gotten back in the truck and I'd taken her hand in mine, carefully out of Jamie's view. I rubbed my thumb back and forth, caressing her skin tenderly as I drove the two of them to her brother's apartment building. The weather was terrible, the snow was coming down in torrents now.

Jamie had fallen asleep in the backseat. I'd picked him up and passed him down to Rae. I'd grabbed the car seat and helped the two of them inside the building until we were right outside of Rhys's door. I'd set the car seat down and gave her a swift kiss on the forehead before quickly retreating to the elevator without a single goodbye spoken.

Now I've already driven back to the gym and am lying in the bed in my office. I couldn't go back to my place; my sheets still smell like Raegan. It will only hurt that much more, that much worse if I try to sleep in those. My dreams will be littered with images of her as it is. I don't need to be surrounded by her potent fragrance.

I look up at the ceiling, thinking about her. Five months until I see her again. Five months until Rhys and Lindsay's wedding. I close my eyes feeling the emotion build up inside me. I'm about to let a few tears spill when I hear a loud knocking sound coming front the back entrance.

Who the fuck could that be?

I get up off the bed when another loud series of wraps bang against it. I make my way to the door, all previous emotion forgotten. Once I get to the door another bang happens which has me kicking open the door. To my surprise there's no one on the other side.

I step out into the alleyway looking around when I feel a sharp pang against the back of my head. My vision starts to blur and I try to retain some semblance of a defensive stance when I feel fists against my body. Not one or two, but several. I try to fight, but that initial hit had almost knocked me unconscious. Speaking of consciousness, the moment I feel another blow to the back of my head my world goes black and the last thing I feel is my head smacking the cold, snow-covered pavement.

✭✭✭✭✭
A/N:

The suspense, am I right?

Also, I just wanted to say how happy I am to see some of you over in Malicious. You all make my day with your comments and votes! Thank you all for your continued support.