I lean back slightly in the desk chair as I stare out the bedroom window, watching the sunrise over Boston's back bay. I've got the window wide open, willing the cold November air to clarify my thoughts. Willing it to cleanse all the darkness from my mind. If anything, at least the frigid breeze has dried the tears.

I never thought the damn things would stop flowing down my face. They were like a never-ending waterfall of past trauma and current circumstance. I feel like those two things often go hand in hand in my life.

The trauma I thought I'd left far behind in the state of peaches, the state of Georgia. But, what I've come to realize is, there's no leaving anything like that behind. And the funny thing about trauma is that there's no running from it. It's just there, sitting in the back of your mind, choosing the most inopportune time to pop up, like tonight.

Tonight had been terrifying for me, which brings us to current circumstance. This living situation is basically a non-stop rollercoaster ride that's continuously pulling at my heartstrings. While pulling at said heartstrings it's making the trauma vomit out of my mind into my everyday thoughts. Not like they don't already enter them, but still. It's usually not at a rapid, regurgitative pace.

When I had awoken to him behind me I had almost screamed. Almost. If it wasn't for the way he smelled, his height, the familiar feeling of his body against mine, and basically just everything that makes him Seth, I would have. I bring my shirt, his shirt, up to my nose and take in another whiff of his fragrance as I feel another wave of darkness about to come over me.

Seth had said some hurtful things, really hurtful things, but I could see it in his face that he was hurting more than me and if anyone knows hurt, it's me. When Liam and I came through the door I had honestly thought Seth wasn't home. His truck was usually in the same exact spot every single day and it hadn't been there.

So, I'd ended up inviting Liam in, needing a distraction from my ever clouded mind. A distraction from everything going on with Seth. I just needed to forget and bury everything away for just a moment. Forget that Seth had basically said let's just call a spade a spade and fuck. Meaning this whole thing between us, whatever this is, meant nothing to him.

I was just one of the many females in Seth's life. Him buying me the contraceptive, like I hadn't already said I'd do it, was proof of that. Just a here's your clothes, better take care of that type of situation. In my eyes, at the time, that's all I was and that was fine because I had Liam to help me forget.

I tried to see if I could think of anyone other than him, because Seth was right. I had been thinking about him the entire time Liam's hands were on me. All I can fucking think about is him. I hate it.

I hate the fact that he has that kind of control over me. So, when I'd looked over and saw him standing there, I thought I was imagining him. It wasn't until I saw the black eye and the busted lip that I'd realized that no, he was actually standing there. By that time he'd already stormed off and slammed his door.

I'd pushed Liam away, telling him to go that if Seth was home my brother probably was too. He moved faster than the speed of light, albeit completely flustered and embarrassed, something he didn't look too familiar with feeling. I'd smoothed out my skirt and ran down the hallway after Seth.

A loud bang sound had come from his room and that's when I knew he was more than just a little upset. I'd assumed he'd punched the wall because punching is something Seth is good at. It's how he lets out his frustration, his anger and pain, but it's usually done on a punching bag or an opponent, not a wall.

Once I'd anxiously gotten to the door I felt a deep ache in my chest. I'd spoken to him, tried apologizing, but it hadn't worked. He just ripped open that door and verbally attacked me, which took me completely off guard. I could see it in his face, that face he makes when he's fighting or boxing. All the anger was there but, more than anything, I saw pain. He was hurt. I'd hurt him, so he was trying to hurt me and he'd more than succeeded.

I'd gone to my room and was grateful for the fact he didn't follow because the moment I closed that door I cried. I cried a lot. Ugly snot crying. It wasn't even remotely pretty. But eventually, after all the tears had dried, I was just numb and tired. I'd fished out a shirt of his, one that I'd snatched earlier this week, from my drawer and wore it to sleep. Because, once again, I'm a hot pathetic mess when it comes to Seth.

Then there was tonight, well, more like last night considering the sun is rising. He'd taken me, my control, and I let him do it. Part of me wanted him to but a much larger part did not. Yes, I wanted to have sex with him. Yes, I'd orgasmed but I'd had to give up my control to him. I'd given Seth that power over me, something I had told myself no man would ever have again.

I involuntarily clutch my ribcage at the thought. Little horrid visuals begin to play across the backs of my eyelids. Fuck my life. Why can't I just be fucking normal?

I close the window with a bang and walk away from it. I pick some clothes out of the dresser and head to the bathroom. A shower would wash away all these bullshit emotions I can't stop myself from feeling. Fuck all of them.

I turn the water on to a skin-burning temperature before stripping out of my clothes. I let out a sigh as I step in and let the stress of yesterday slowly wash off of me and down the drain. Hanging my head in exhaustion, I begin to watch the water flow to the metal drain.

That's when I hear a soft knock at the door. "Can I come in?" I hear Seth ask. "I really have to take a piss."

I shake my head and roll my eyes, "yeah Seth, go ahead. Just make it quick." I let out a sigh as the water runs through my hair.

After a minute or so, when he's done his business, I hear, "so, are you okay? I didn't hurt you or anything, did I? Cause you know I'd never mean to hurt you. Did I hold your wrists to tight? Did I go too deep? Was I too rough? I just never-"

"Seth," I poke my head from behind the shower curtain "stop rambling. No, you didn't hurt me. I'm fine." I put my head back in the shower.

"You are?" He pokes his head in a few seconds later. "Cause it really seemed like something was wrong last night."

"Seth!"

"Oh come on," his head still in the shower "I've seen you naked but," he looks me up and down with a devilish grin overtaking his face "never soaking wet and naked."

God he's so sexy. Even with the bed head he's rocking right now, just so sexy. Its not even fair.

"I'm coming in." He states before popping his head out.

"What!?"

"I said," he opens the shower curtain and steps in "I'm coming in."

"What about Rhys!?" I can't even imagine what he'd do if he walked in and saw us in the shower together. I imagine it wouldn't be pretty though.

"What about him?" He shrugs. "You know he sleeps late."

"Yeah, but" I look him up and down forgetting my train of thought. It's just not even fair.

"Like what you see, princess?"

"Ha. Ha. Ha." I roll my eyes at his use of Liam's pet name for me. "You're just jealous." His brows scrunch together and he looks like he's just had some sort of revelation. "You okay?"

"Yeah," he steps in closer to me "I just want to say I'm really sorry about what I said to you. I was a complete jackass."

"A complete and utter jackass." I move over so he can step into the water as I scrub myself with the sponge but he grabs the sponge from me.

"Let me do that." He begins scrubbing my body, pulling me under the water with him. He scrubs my abdomen, "better scrub that good." He smirks but it fades when he moves to my ribcage. I feel myself tremble and he pulls his hand away. "Rae-"

"It's fine." I snatch the sponge back from him and put it back on its hanger. "I'm fine." I reach up for him, wanting to put my arms around his neck. "Fucking giant."

He chuckles, "yeah, that'd be me, your giant."

My giant. "Oh really? My giant, huh?"

"Well, I don't know. You tell me, Rae." He scrubs some shampoo in his hair. "You and prep-school jock, are you guys together together or?"

"What are you and Sarah?" I counter.

"We dated for a year or two. Things just didn't work out." He rinses out the suds. "Now we just... you know."

"A year or two?" That is a long fucking time.

"Yeah and you and this guy, what's the deal?"

"We've gone on several dates."

"Have you guys-"

"Yes." His jaw ticks as I move under the shower. "You're so hypocritical. It's okay for you to sleep with your ex, a woman you dated for an entire fucking year or more, but I can't have sex with Liam. We're basically doing the same thing, Seth. You know you're worse though. Sarah actually still has feelings for you and you're playing with her."

"I'm not playing with her. She wants it just like I do." I cock an eyebrow at him. "If she didn't she could just say no."

I laugh, "oh really? Have you seen yourself?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He laughs.

"There's no saying no to you." A giant grin takes over his face as he steps toward me, placing his arms around me. "Nope, no." He pouts and then runs his tongue along his lips. "Seth" I say it like a warning but he doesn't listen as he grabs my thighs, jerking me upward. I wrap my legs around him so I don't fall.

"Tell me you don't want me." I can't. "That's what I thought." I didn't even have to say the words out loud. He already knows.

"I hate you."

"You may want to, beautiful. But you don't." He smiles and I can't help but pull his lips to mine.

He's right. I may want to hate him. But I can't. I may want to push him away. But I can't.