𝓚illian 𝓒arlisle ⭑ the prison pioneers.
❝ You poor, sweet, innocent thing,
dry your eyes and testify. ❞
❪ 🗝️ ❫ ﹕ KILLIAN CARLISLE
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TW: mental illnesses, toxic relationship, abuse,
parent death, violence, drug use/addiction.
❝ Mr. Know-it-all, had his reign and his fall. ❞
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OO1 ━━━━ 𝓟ROFILE . . .
theme. ━━ Wires by the Neighborhood.
full name. ━━ Killian Paxton Carlisle.
pronunciation. ━━ "Kill—ee—an"
nicknames. ━━ Some of the other inmates called him Kill—man, and other unfriendly names along with simply Carl. Some of the older inmates called him that or Pax. There's also Ian. Killian's ex gave him the nickname "sunshine" for his blonde hair and sometimes he used "honeybee".
preferred name. ━━ Killian prefers Ian or simply Killian, he likes it when his friends (what little ones he has) call him Carl or Paxton, he doesn't strongly identify with his name Killian that well (but then again, he's indifferent about it).
age. ━━ 34 years old.
date of birth. ━━ August 11th, xxxx.
gender. ━━ Cismale.
pronouns. ━━ He/him.
sexuality. ━━ Homosexual.
OO2 ━━━━ 𝓐PPEARANCE . . .
faceclaim. ━━ Mike Faist.
body build. ━━ On the skinnier side, lean, slightly build but more on the smaller side. With so many years in prison, he's kind of built more muscle to a certain point.
height. ━━ 6'0 or 182 cm.
weight. ━━ 183 lbs.
hair color/s. ━━ Previously blonde, currently brunette with flecks of blonde peaking through (it was a bad hair dye job).
eye color/s. ━━ Grey-ish dark blue.
scarring/s. ━━ Some here and there, most have healed and have mundane backstories such as falling off of a skateboard or bike. Most of the scars that did leave a deep wound emotionally are all faded or gone.
birth marks. ━━ N/a
clothing style. ━━ Most of Killian's style consists of whatever he could afford or scrounge up, he grew up poor and in a group home, so most of the time he never cared about luxury brands. He does like crewnecks and dark jeans during the winter but shorts and t-shirts during the summer. But again, he never had the luxury to pick and choose.
accessories. ━━ N/a
piercings. ━━ N/a
tattoos. ━━ N/a
OO3 ━━━━ 𝓟SYCHE . . .
overall description. ━━ In another life, maybe one more fortunate and blessed, — a word that Killian has grown to hate — Killian would have stayed the loving boy he was. Nobody would deny that. Nobody could deny that he was a gentle boy. Excluding his crimes, some could still say that he's a sweet boy. Sometimes he still feels like a boy. Part of that is because he started using so young and it felt like time stopped and kept rewinding every time he relapsed, so his inner child never healed. Never got that closure he desperately reached for. He can seem naive at times due to that, other inmates note that he trusts like a boy, willingly following and aimlessly listening to everybody and anybody.
Killian's genuineness is both his greatest weakness and his greatest strength. He was never a good liar — he always always lost at werewolf or mafia games with other kids because he just couldn't lie to anybody, no matter how small. There's nothing better than being able to tell somebody what he's thinking, even when it's inappropriate or gross or weird — he'll do it and feel absolutely no shame about it. Of course, he has some limitations, but even then, he won't ever lie. Everybody loves him for it, everybody trusts him, and he trusts them, too, he's always just so... genuine. A dog devoting his life to his owner — completely submissive and complacent. There's nothing more raw and genuine than obedience.
Despite being this loving figure, a statue of warmth, Killian has plenty of outbursts. His intense insecurity and fear of abandonment make it difficult for him to remain calm in otherwise mundane scenarios, and often, he has trouble regulating his emotions — particularly anger and desperation. Especially desperation. It's part of the reason he ended up robbing a bank, out of pure desperation. Without Vernon — he'd be lost. Wouldn't know what to do with himself. So he did what he thought would be best, out of desperation to keep Vernon by his side, he robbed a bank and in a sick and twisted way, it worked. There's a lot more under the surface of his golden retriever-like face. He's impulsive and quite literally a danger to himself, it's partially why nobody ever encouraged him to get his license despite knowing how to drive — everyone (or at least Vernon) discouraged him in fear that he'd run away impulsively or threaten self-harm.
A lot of the continuous cycles in Vernon and Killian's relationship, it was a mutual dance. Vernon communicated more with strong language and fists while Killian just couldn't help but feed into it over and over again. Killian would break up with him in a fit of rage, shove him out of their apartment, then invite him back in, cry in his arms, apologize aimlessly, and rinse and repeat. It was equally exhausting for Vernon as it was for Killian. He would go through periods of paranoia and loss of contact with reality, consistently stressing Vernon to the brink of breaking up again until Killian would snap out of it. All these symptoms became very apparent and extremely hard to live with as time went on and as Killian got older. Sometimes Killian remembers instances where they'd tango for hours — back and forth until the sirens outside their apartment building promptly shut them up. He wonders if that was really him or if it was a clone.
None of that matters now, though. Killian is different now. Surely. He likes to believe he's different now at least. Although, it is a little hard to do so when he carries guilt like a boulder on his back. He feels obligated to never move on from Vernon, like he's destined to be haunted by the ghost of him forever. He drowns in the "what—ifs" every night. But he tries. He really does try.
positive traits. ━━ Genuine, understanding, compassionate, loyal, empathetic, ambitious, supportive towards others, extremely passionate, flexible, overall friendly, intelligent.
negative traits. ━━ Self destructive, insecure, complacent with toxic behaviors, impulsive, irrational, easily manipulated, confuses obsession with love, craves attention/purpose.
likes. ━━ Warm weather or warm environments, eating smores, reading nonfiction, romance and romcom movies, photography, watching fashion/drag shows, dogs.
dislikes. ━━ Being in cold weather/places, unsweetened tea or coffee, loud spaces, action movies, feeling judged or embarrassed, having to fight others, break ups.
comforts. ━━ Warm memories of his late father and ex-boyfriend before they both died, making smores.
fears. ━━ Being an outcast or relapsing again.
OO4 ━━━━ 𝓗ISTORY . . .
mother. ━━ Biological mother is unknown, Killian's father used to call her "Nellie" but Killian can't remember anything else he mentioned about her and never cared to find out. Killian believes that his mother had BPD as well.
father. ━━ Nicholas Carlisle. Killian vaguely remembers him, definitely remembers him more than his mom, but from what he could remember, he was a good man. Tender and sweet, that's presumably where Killian got his passionate personality from. He unfortunately passed away due to lung cancer and being unable to afford proper treatment or care.
siblings. ━━ From what Killian knows, he has none.
extra. ━━ N/a
past. ━━ The last happy memory that Killian can remember was when he was eleven years old. His father, despite getting laid off from his job for taking too many sick days, had dressed up as Santa Claus with what little clothes they had in their apartment and surprised Killian on Christmas day. It was just the two of them, of course, no family members on his father's side ever bothered to reach out — or even picked up his father's calls anyway, they wouldn't concern themselves with the likes of Killian and his father. Even Killian's mother knew to fuck off when he was born, and maybe she predicted the future because no mother would want to watch her son turn into whatever he is now. On Christmas, Nicholas desperately wanted Killian to believe that he was Santa, even when Killian obviously knew it was his father behind the costume, he laughed and obliged his belief in him. They ate smores on their small porch that day and opened no gifts.
Life was like that for a while, living paycheck to paycheck, until Nicholas was diagnosed with lung cancer. He told Killian: "Don't smoke like me, you'll die." Killian didn't find it very funny even when Nicholas laughed. Again, with no help from their extended family — what little family they had, Nicholas and Killian had to face this together, alone. With treatment being expensive and with the burden of taking care of a kid by himself, Nicholas fought it alone and lost. Killian was put into the care of the state when he was twelve years old and for a short amount of time, life was okay.
The other kids were mean, yeah, but Killian had his moments, too. He got along just fine — a bit on the quieter side, but he held down his ground. He took a few punches here and there, said a few choice words, and got yelled at by the staff. He was doing surprisingly well for a boy who had just lost his father. Sixteen was a busy age for Killian — hectic — being a part of the U.S. foster care system was... interesting. The group home that Killian was a part of was boring and he rarely got along with the other kids, all of which were either older or younger than him, nobody his age. However, that year, a new member joined the group — Vernon Falcon — and he was Killian's age! The two got close very quickly, they just clicked perfectly.
The next few years felt like a nightmare disguised as a dream. Vernon and Killian actually fell in love fairly quickly after they became friends, it didn't help that they shared a room, either. Vernon seemed perfect. And Killian was happy. Blinded by his first love, Killian began to fall down a hole he wouldn't be able to pick himself out of. Vernon first introduced him to sneaking out, then it was alcohol, then it was nicotine, and Killian would tell himself: "It's just a little bit. All college students do this, anyway. Doesn't matter. Won't kill me." Then it was cocaine, then molly, weed, heroin, anything that Vernon would give him, he'd take. It was a steep hole that Killian dug himself in. He became dependent on Vernon, even when Vernon was fostered by a loving family. After Killian aged out at 21, they moved in together with the help of Vernon's foster parents — who, by the way, were so completely blinded by their love for their foster son that they didn't even consider the fact that Vernon was using them.
The next few years were rough, to say the least. A lot of the time, police would show up at their door as a response to a domestic dispute between the two of them. It was an endless cycle of fighting, yelling, taking some kind of drug, sex, making up, then rinse and repeat. Vernon not only was the sole provider of their apartment, but he was all that Killian had. When he was 23, Vernon lost his job and his foster parents also revoked their financial support after they discovered that they were using their money for drugs and unsolicited payments. Killian, the genius that he is, sought out quick money and... attempted to rob a bank. Of course, it all went awry and Killian was found guilty of robbery in the first degree and promptly sentenced to two years in prison (thankfully only two) since it was his first offense.
The two years went by quickly considering he was on his best behavior. It was extra rough since Killian was forcibly going through rehab in prison but at least he was sober. Much to his surprise, Vernon came to visit him regularly and called whenever he could. Those small actions sparked his love for Vernon again. Once he was out, they moved into Vernon's foster parent's home and lived there for a few years until they knew for sure they were both sober. They ended up getting a new apartment together close by after they proved to be sober.
Then the cycle returned. Except it was violent this time. Killian didn't want to fall down this path again — the drugs, the fights, the late nights out doing god knows what. Vernon didn't like that, though, if he was going to use and drink, so would Killian. It got bad one night after Killian suggested Vernon go to rehab, they started to yell, and then it turned into fighting. But Killian was just so sick of it. He felt like a dog trapped in a corner — and what does a wounded dog do best, if not bite back when scared? It happened so fast. Killian didn't want to hurt him, but Vernon was just grabbing his hair too hard, pulling him, shoving him onto the floor, punching, and he could see the bottle in his hand and —
Killian didn't mean to stab him with a glass shard — a broken photo frame of the two of them as teens that Vernon had carelessly thrown onto the floor in a fit of rage — but what else could he do? Normally, this would have counted as manslaughter, however, because Killian attempted to dispose of the body and because he brutally and unnecessarily stabbed his body... multiple times along with a vaguely murderous—sounding journal of his, it was deemed as murder. Specifically second-degree murder. He was arrested when he was 27 and has been in prison ever since — it's been around 7 years.
reason for arrest. ━━ Murder of the second degree, life imprisonment.
OO5 ━━━━ 𝓣RIVIA . . .
character trivia. ━━ Killian would've gone to college as a criminal justice major if he had that choice.
━━ Killian's MBTI is ISFP.
━━ Killian is a leo.
━━ Killian took the prison's barber shop classes in order to cut other inmate's hair as a way to become friendly with everyone and to avoid questions about his sexuality.
━━ Killian does know how to drive but never properly took the driving test or got his license.
━━ Killian's favorite band was Nine Inch Nails.
━━ Killian wanted kids when he was in his 20s, but he has since changed his mind on that. He thinks he wouldn't be a good father and doesn't want to burden a kid with his baggage.
━━ Killian was diagnosed with BPD after he was sentenced and takes medication for it, thankfully the prison verified his condition and allowed him to take his medication but he's become heavily dependent on it.
━━ Killian struggles to make friends in prison and opts to read alone in his cell to avoid humiliation.
━━ Killian has a sweet tooth.
━━ Inquire for Killian's pinterest board!
━━ Killian still feels like he's teenager at times.
━━ Killian is actually very intelligent book-wise, believe me when I say that he's a total nerd and would be so annoying about facts and geeky hobbies if he could.
━━ Killian feels immense guilt about Vernon's murder.
━━ Killian still smokes cigarettes from time to time.
OO6 ━━━━ 𝓖ALLERY . . .
AUTHOR'S NOTE
erm officer i love him please excuse him of his
crimes!! hes just a boy (that is a 34 yr old man)
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