dear diary,

this is the first time i've written in this diary, since i didn't bother to put an entry in this the day lee gave it to me. well, it turns out that our happy day was all a waste and kind of pointless. and it's all my fault. then again, everything is my fault.

beau died a week ago at the bridge that's near the house that the abbott family and i live in. apparently, regan had given the kid the toy rocket back but told him to not take the batteries but he did. he switched the device on and look where that got him.... if only i had stopped him... if i could have just run to him instead of just standing there like an idiot.... i should have saved him but i couldn't, just like with my family. but oh well. everything always goes wrong when an alien invasion happens; i mean, that's what the movies told me, at least.

this is a pretty depressing first entry, but this diary will always remind me of the day that i lost the boy that i had always sworn to protect. but i failed and, if evelyn or lee or marcus or regan are reading this, i'm sorry. i'm so so so sorry...

so... i'm leaving tomorrow. very very early at that.

i'm going off on my own, without them. i have to leave them because i don't want to lose anyone else. every time i'm around somebody, something bad almost always happens. and i don't want to see that happen again; i just want that family to be safe without someone that will always mess everything up. i will admit, i'm terrified to try to survive in this world by myself, but i need to try... for them. and this is probably the dumbest thing i'll ever do. i know i'm going to hurt them by leaving them to worry, since they literally took me in when i needed a family more than ever. and i really thank them and love them for that.

but i don't want them to die because of me.

i just can't let it happen.

so, to the abbott family, if i die out there and if any one of you finds this diary (which i'm also taking with me), i'm sorry. i'm sorry for causing all of this. it's all my fault for not even trying to save your youngest child.

it should have been me instead of him...

— alessia carson

__________

The girl grabbed her duffel bag as silently as she could, unzipping it quietly. She had to make little noise because not only were there creatures out there ready to execute anyone or anything that made a single sound, but there were three people asleep down the hallway that could definitely hear. All of their bedroom doors were open, so she didn't want to wake them; this was the only time that she was grateful for Regan being deaf, since she knew that the older girl was fast asleep in the bed in front of her and wouldn't hear her at all.

While packing her clothes and books and other supplies, Alessia had remembered that she had left a few books in Regan's bedroom so she tip-toed inside, making sure to only step on the floorboards that had splotches of paint splattered onto them so they wouldn't creak. She took a deep breath as she slowly slipped the books in there, her hands trembling with fear. She was still deeply traumatized over what had happened eight days prior to this and the fact that it was still pitch black outside made that even worse since she was afraid of the dark.

Zipping up her duffel bag, she hoisted it onto her back and grabbed the 357 Magnum that she had found in an abandoned gun store right after the invasion had occurred. The Abbotts had no clue that she owned it, since she was very good at hiding things from them as well as lying to them (even though she hated lying to people). But she knew that the family was very aware of anything that would happen in their home, and those senses had heightened majorly since the aliens had shown up in their town so she had to be extremely careful.

She spared one last glance towards Regan, since she had a feeling that she would never see the sixteen-year-old girl again. But she was thinking to herself that she might come back one day; she didn't know when, but she knew that she was either going to come back or not come back at all. She was hurting the family by just leaving them in the dust, and she realized that, but she just wanted to keep them safe. She wanted them to have a chance at being happy without her there ruining everything for them. She didn't want them to die because of her, still feeling immense guilt for losing her own family during the incident.

Alessia took a deep breath and steadily began to take tentative steps down the stairs and into the front hall. She stared out into the darkness of the early morning, glancing at her watch and seeing that it was 4:23. She quickly went into the basement so she could grab one of the family's extra flashlights that they sometimes needed when they were traveling at night. She pressed the button so it could turn on, although she knew about the aliens' interaction with the electromagnetic spectrum, so she would know if one was nearby when the flashlight flickered. She also knew that the creatures were blind so she had no worries of them seeing her walking all by herself in the middle of nowhere; she just had to avoid stepping on objects or accidentally kicking any with her bare feet and causing a noise by mistake.

She delicately stepped back up to the front hallway, looking up to make sure that nobody was awake because she didn't want to get caught. Alessia then went to the kitchen to get a small container of water, since she knew that she would need it for the journey. She put it into the side pocket of her duffel bag and then put her gun in the other pocket; she then stared outside one final time before hesitantly taking a step onto the front porch.

She swerved her head around when she felt a tap on her shoulder, nearly letting out of scream of shock, but she relaxed when she saw that it was only Marcus. But she sighed inaudibly when she noticed the look of confusion and worry in his brown eyes.

"Where are you going?" he asked the colored girl. "It's four in the morning."

A frown etched itself into Alessia's face as she stared back at him, lowering her head in defeat. She had been caught, but she wasn't going to let Marcus stop her from leaving, even though it hurt a lot to ditch him. "I have to leave," she replied to him, her eyes welling up with tears. "I'm leaving... and I might not come back. I didn't want to have to say goodbye."

Marcus's eyes widened with a mixture of sadness, fear, and sympathy written on his face. He shook his head frantically with alarm, his hands beginning to shake as he grabbed Alessia's arm in an attempt to stop her from leaving. She was one of his last strands of hope embodied in a human being, and he needed her; sure, he didn't know her extremely well still but she was yet another sister in his eyes. "No, please don't leave!" he signed hectically. "What if you get hurt or die?! My parents, Regan, and I won't know if you get hurt!"

When Alessia saw a few tears fall from the boy's eyes, she almost gave in and went back inside with him, but she had to be strong and stand her ground. She took one step closer to him and took a breath, preparing herself for what she was going to say. "Listen to me, Marcus," she said with her hands, seeing him nod in reply before she continued. "I don't want to cause a whole bunch of mayhem around you guys.... That's why I need to leave. I don't want you all to get hurt or die because of me. I love you, your sister, and your parents so much. I lost my own parents and sister... and Beau. I will not lose y'all either, especially you. I had always sworn to protect Beau, you know? And look what happened?! I failed. It's my fault that he's dead..."

Marcus began to cry even more at the fact that Alessia was blaming herself for his little brother's death, even though the girl had done absolutely nothing wrong. He put his hand on her shoulder and was about to speak, but he knew that he wasn't supposed to, so he raised his hands to sign to her again. "It's not your fault," he said firmly with sign language. "You did nothing wrong, neither did Regan. It was no one's fault. Please don't blame yourself. You are innocent."

"I appreciate that, kid," Alessia responded. "But I still wish I could have saved your brother. But I couldn't. I couldn't even move, and that was so stupid of me." The tears finally began to fall down her face and she sniffed softly. "I'm leaving so I can make sure that doesn't happen again.... And, if I die, I need you to promise me something."

Marcus sighed as a gentle sob left his lips, sniffing as well. "No, because you will not die!" he retorted rather angrily but sadly. "I won't let you leave!"

"You can't stop me, Marcus," Alessia signed sternly, glaring at him a little bit. "I don't want to leave you guys, but I have to. I want you guys to have the most normal life you can have without me. I'm a burden to y'all and I don't want that to continue. But you need to promise me something, please."

Marcus wanted to argue more but, after a long time, he finally gave in, nodding a little bit. "What do you want me to promise you?" he inquired.

Alessia tried not to cry even more as she mustered up the courage to continue, attempting to breathe properly but failing. "Promise me that you will not tell your family that you saw me leave," she demanded, her hands quivering. "Please keep this a secret, okay? And also promise me that you will keep them and yourself safe. I will not know if any of you get hurt and I don't want to even imagine that happening. Please promise me those two things."

The younger boy completely broke down when Alessia said this to him, not wanting to have to give in to her demands. He didn't want her to leave but he knew that he wouldn't be able to physically stop her from walking away. He wanted so badly to just say no and to pull her inside where she was safe, to keep her protected from the horrors that awaited them in the outside world, but he knew that he wasn't able to do that. So, instead, he pulled her into a tight hug, his body shaking as he sobbed silently but hysterically.

"I promise," he whispered almost soundlessly but just loud enough for the slightly taller girl to hear him. He could feel her nodding her head from where it was resting on his shoulder as he cried and cried.

Alessia reluctantly pulled away from the boy as she smiled sadly, wiping her tears away and keeping a fierce look in her scared eyes. "Thank you," she signed in reply. She then turned to walk away for good but another tap on the shoulder stopped her and she turned back to look at Marcus.

"Before you go, I just need to tell you one thing," Marcus said, before taking a step closer to her.

"My family and I love you, too..." he added in an extremely quiet mumble.

The girl felt her heart warm at those words and it gave her more courage to be strong; that way, it wouldn't hurt as much when she did leave. So Alessia nodded and gave Marcus yet another hug goodbye. "I'm glad," she whispered back.

And then she was gone.

A/N: so alessia has left the abbott home to go off on her own. i know, it seems a bit selfish for her to do, but she's a scared young girl so she can't help it.

i really hope this chapter was good and emotional enough for you guys! please let me know!

be looking forward to the next chapter, where alessia is all by herself a few weeks later and then we'll jump to day 472 and get a few pov's from the abbott family!

have a great day, guys! oh, and happy friday the 13th!

-denbroughswife