♚

the  first goodbyes are the hardest  ⤵

kennedy picked up the pair of sweatpants that laid next to her. she wore the pair way too many times, it was what she arrived here in. as silly as it sounds, these clothes hold the stories of her time here. she threw the black sweats in her bag and picked up a floral blouse. she looked at the blouse and let out a small sob, this was the blouse she wore when khwezi kicked for the first time.

some of these clothes were too emotional to look at, so kennedy shoved everything in her black leather suitcase. she remembered how perfectly this was packed when she arrived, everything was in order and now it was overflowed with her clothes, she just wanted to get done with it, maybe she could wash the clothes and donate them. she didn't want to burn them but she didn't want to have constant reminders of this because she knew the second she stepped on that jet, she could never come back.

kennedy finally shoved the last piece of clothing in her bag, that part was done. she pushed her back against the clay wall and fell down onto the floor. her eyes scanned the room, it looked like when she first entered, empty. and in all honesty that was how she felt, she was empty because she was about to abandon the people who became her family. this was it for her, this was the end, everything was done but she was holding onto a fantasy of being able to stay.

she played with the bracelet that buhle made her when she first arrived, this was the one thing she couldn't live without because this would be the piece that kept her connected to this village and buhle. every moment she spent with the woman, she realised more and more why langa was so in love with her. by then kennedy had also fell in love with buhle, they became sisters and now kennedy was leaving her because kennedy is a complete ass and has to follow orders. sometimes she wished she didn't know the consequences of not following commands, so she could not follow them.

she had to pick herself up, she wanted to sit there and feel the comfort of being next to all these amazing people but she knew if she did, she'd never leave. so she stood up and almost sat back down again but kennedy knew this was what she had to do, she knew it from the start yet she still wasn't prepared. she wiped her cheeks and walked out of her with full confidence although she knew she looked like a complete mess, her eyes were bloodshot and her cheeks red from unknowingly wiping them a bit too much.

kennedy stood in the middle of the village and sent the message to fury. that was the message that would take her back to her real home and she has to look prepared for it, even if everyone knew she wasn't. after it was sent she had exactly half an hour until the jet arrived, and once that half an hour ended, she couldn't go back. these were the last thirty minutes she had with them and everyone knew it because all the ladies swamped around her, greeting her goodbye.

she hated it. she absolutely hated it because it made the fact she was leaving all to real. kennedy was given hugs and they were so comforting but when they let go of her she was left with a feeling of coldness and her body ached for the warmth they gave her. she greeted them all, her isixhosa being the best its ever been but after this it was completely useless. she remained strong but as she turned away from them, she couldn't help feel like she was going to break down but she couldn't because she still needed to greet two more people.

kennedy made her way over to the hut buhle and khwezi was in. she walked in only to find buhle and the little boy sound asleep, oh how she had so much to say to each of them but she couldn't. she walked to the new mother's side and bent down to place a kiss on her forehead, she was going to miss buhle lighting up her day. then she stood straight and walked over to little khwezi and picked him up. he didn't protest or cry, he opened his eyes and looked at kennedy who rocked him every so gently.

she knew she shouldn't be doing this because she'd become to attached but she was already attached so it wouldn't make a difference. a small tear fell onto the baby's head, kennedy placed a kiss on the same place and looked at the newborn. oh how he was already her little star, she didn't want to leave him, not yet. "hello little one," kennedy said in english, a language that was now so foreign to her.

"i hope you mother will tell you about me as you get older," she whispered, every word becoming more and more familiar to her as she spoke. it was true, kennedy hoped that he'd know of her as he grew up because as time went on, he'd be apart of her life. it didn't feel right doing this, leaving them, but at the same time nothing felt right because she was a mess.

instead of saying anything else, kennedy sand a lullaby for the baby, rocking him until his small little eyes closed and he was in a peaceful slumber once again. she held khwezi in her arms a few moments longer than she should have before resting him in the same place she found him. it was clearly becoming harder and harder to hold back her tears so she turned around and walked to the door of the hut. "goodbye my star and my sister," she croaked out, leaving the room and walking away, trying to not look back because it was too painful.

there was five minutes left, the time had gone by too fast for kennedy and she now needed to get her belongings and leave, knowing she'll never be able to return, not because of nick or some other person but because she promised herself when, not if, she got attached, she'd never return because she'd just be adding pain upon pain for herself and for them. she missed the little guy already and she knew this was why she made that promise with herself, it was because she wouldn't be able to be there for them if she did stay and when she had to leave, she wouldn't be able to just like in that moment.

with her bag in her hands, kennedy stood atop the hill that she cried on in those bloodstained clothes that she left in the village as a reminder for the people that she would always be with them in their hearts. she took her food wrappers because leaving those would not be very kind to the environment. finally the private jet landed and kennedy walked towards it, taking one final look at the village before stepping inside the jet and never looking back because if she looked back, she would not stay on that jet.

why do i like hurting the things i call family? oh yeah, cause i'm a mess myself.

you hate me, don't you?

dw. i hate myself too for doing this.

you can kill me, i understand. 100% do.