FIX YOU.
꒰ real life ꒱
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CHRIS watches as the double doors swing shut behind jackie. the doors are glass, so he can still see her as she walks out into the darkness of the parking lot. everything in his body is screaming at him to follow her. but he doesn't.

he lets her leave despite the overwhelming feeling in his gut thats pulls him toward her, much like a tether.

chris stares after her, watching as her silhouette eventually gets too far away for him to see her any longer. it's well past midnight, but he's never felt more awake in his life. his friends don't seem to entertain the same amount of energy. jace is fast asleep in his chair, head leaning against nick's shoulder. speaking of which, nick seems too tired to care as he's fighting exhaustion himself. matt mimics nick's fatigue as he watches chris with worry.

brynn, on the other hand, doesn't look tired at all. apparently, all the excitement managed to sober her up quite well. she's currently staring at chris with an unreadable expression. he ignores her as he sits a few seats down from her.

he had been sitting the entire time he was in the holding cell with poppy. and yet, the feeling of taking the weight off his feet is insanely refreshing. he tips his head back with a sigh, shutting his eyes. but before he can begin to wallow in his own misery for too long, brynn speaks up.

"why'd you let her leave?" she asks.

chris wants to get mad at her for her ignorance. but she sounds genuinely confused, simply seeking an answer rather than an argument. which is a bit uncharacteristic of her. "hm?" is as he manages to respond with as he opens his eyes to face her.

"it's true that i don't exactly understand the situation," she admits, choosing her words carefully, "but i understand enough to know that you should be going after her. it seems like you'll be taking a step backward if you were to let her leave like this."

matt places his hand on her shoulder, wordlessly telling her to shut up and stay out of it. she turns to look at him, looking a bit annoyed. but when he stands his ground and shakes his head in disapproval, she decides to take his word for it and stop talking.

chris feels a pang of guilt in his chest. he doesn't want his problems with jackie to become a topic that everyone dances around. i mean, it happened over a year ago. he should be over it. right?

sure, he feels like a million pounds of weight are pushed onto his shoulders whenever he thinks of her. and yes, he wants nothing more than to chase after her in the darkness of the parking lot and confess everything. and of course, he wants it all to go back to how it was.

but more than anything, he wants jackie to be happy.

and, judging by the stories that brynn and jace had told them, she seems happy here. they said that she was super kind and funny at the diner. they said that she was an overall very joyful woman. even before they knew who she was to chris, they admitted that they'd wanted to be her friend. so, it seems to him that jackie is happy without chris in her life.

when she left boston a year ago, jackie said that she wanted to fix her life and become a better person again. and now she's done it. who is chris to ruin that for her? some creepy ex boyfriend from high school who's still in love with her? god, no. that's not who he wants to be.

"i want to." chris says with a sigh. everyone looks up at the sound of his voice, taken by surprise when they hear him speak. "i want to talk to her, i want to see her, i want to fix everything. trust me, i want to. more than anything. but i don't trust myself not to fuck it all up and make things worse."

"i doubt you'd make things worse." nick says, still delirious with exhaustion. he's now leaned his head on top of jace's — which is still on his shoulder. "i mean, it's jackie we're talking about. you know her better than anyone."

"knew." chris corrects him. "i'm not sure i know her at all, anymore."

matt sighs, "your feelings are valid and understandable, chris. we'll support you no matter what you decide to do. or- well. not do, i suppose."

chris opens his mouth to respond, but is cut off when brynn abruptly stands from her chair. matt looks up at his girlfriend, confusion behind his gaze. he reaches for her hand, but she's already walking away. he furrows his brow at her as she swiftly exits the station.

"i'll be back." she calls over her shoulder as the doors shut behind her.

JACKIE storms across the parking lot, feeling so many emotions at once that she could drown in them. her heels click against the concrete, shooting pain up her calves with each step. she's been wearing this goddamn shoes all night and she's tempted to take them off. but the pain in her legs is distracting her from the pain in her chest that chris put there.

once she's far enough away from the station to know that they can no longer see her, she stops walking. she stands in the center of the parking lot and looks up at the sky. it's pitch black except for stars — which she seldom sees due to the city lights. there are light grey clouds sifting across the night sky, telling her it'll rain soon.

she used to enjoy the rain quite a bit. no, she used to fucking love it.

as kids, jackie and wilson always got excited whenever it rained. their mom put them in their matching squeaky pink rain boots and clear plastic rain coats before sending them outside to play. she sat on the back porch, watching with a fond smile as her daughters giggled and splashed each other.

wilson always drank the rainwater and jackie would always shout at her, scared that she'd get sick. but she never did. in fact, most of the time, wilson ended up convincing jackie to drink it too. and there they were, heads tipped upward with their tongues sticking out childishly.

the rain always reminds jackie of wilson. even more so, considering how it had brutally contributed to her sister's death. apparently, all the time wilson spent in the rain didn't matter. it betrayed her in the end, not caring much for how she loved it so dearly.

"shit," jackie mutters.

she presses her palms to her eyes, trying to keep herself from crying. the tears in her eyes are caused by thoughts of wilson mixed with the recent encounter with chris. it's all beginning to press down on her chest, making it hard to breathe.

she's not sure if she handled the situation very well. probably not. but leaving the station was definitely the best decision she'd made all night.

considering how much time she spending thinking about chris, one would assume that she'd be almost numb to seeing him in person. honestly, she kind of assumed that as well. but, that simply wasn't the case. everything was different when she saw him. like, actually saw him.

she'd imagined what she'd say to him if they ever met again. she had created an entire script in her head, knowing exactly what to say and do in this predicament. but all of the time she'd spent practicing proved to be useless when the time actually came around.

she wanted to scream at christ for being so predictably protective, so himself ; she wanted to hit him for making her worry so much when she was supposed to be avoiding him at all costs ; she wanted to cry on his shoulder and let him console her because he always knew how to comfort her better than anyone else.

but more than anything, she wanted to kiss him. she wanted to grab him by the collar of his shirt and make sure he was okay. she wanted to check to make sure that he hadn't been injured for her sake. she wanted to kiss him, telling him everything she was unable to say.

that's why she had to leave.

jackie's in a wonderful relationship with blake. he's unbearably kind, understanding, and would never do anything to hurt her. and she couldn't imagine ever doing something like that to him. to cheat, to kiss someone else. it was unforgivable, and she never wants to hurt him. he doesn't deserve it.

so jackie had decided it was best to get out of there before she did something she'd regret. that's why leaving the station had been such a good idea. because being with chris, even if they hadn't been alone, was an absolutely terrible idea.

jackie's breathing begins to quicken as the weight on her chest grows to become more and more constricting. she lifts her feet, one at a time, pulling her heels off and holding them tightly in her hands. she's not sure why she did that, but at least it made her calves feel a bit better. even though her mind is still whirling.

"jackie!" someone calls out from behind her. she turns, squinting to look at whoever is rushing over to her. brynn.

jackie begins to walk in the opposite direction, shaking her head. she's still trying to control her hyperventilating as brynn jogs to walk beside her her, matching her pace. jackie tilts her head in the other direction, not wanting brynn to see her so worked up over chris. chris of all people. the annoying fucker.

"are you okay...?" brynn asks gently, working to keep her voice soft. when the other girl doesn't answer, she tries again, "jackie?"

eventually, jackie can't walk any farther. she feels a headache taking form under her temples, making her dizzy. on top of that, her eyesight is beginning to get blurry — she isn't sure whether that's due to the dizziness, or if she's started to cry. regardless, brynn appears to be incredibly concerned.

"hey," she says gently, "hey, it's okay. deep breaths."

jackie hears her talking, but her voice sounds far away. like she's underwater while brynn is speaking from above the surface.

jackie crouches down to the pavement, curling up in a ball as she rocks back and forth on the soles of her feet. she hugs her knees to her chest, making her lungs feel more constricted. but the feeling of security manages to ground her. she's lucking this parking lot isn't busy.

brynn crouches beside her, rubbing circles on her back. she's still speaking, telling her to breathe in and out. but jackie can't focus on what she's saying. her mind is elsewhere. she's not sure where that is, but it's definitely not here.

maybe it's with wilson, dancing in the rain as kids with their twinning pink boots. maybe it's with chris, when they shared their first kiss in her mom's garden among blooming tulips and vibrant lilies. maybe it's with blake, watching his face fall when he inevitablybrealizes that jackie isn't as perfect as she pretends to be.

or. maybe it's with jackie, making her relive the night her sister died. the night she let her take the car back home. the night she heard the sirens, but didn't think anything of it. the night chris had hugged her so tight that she thought her ribs would break.

wherever it is, it's not here. not in the parking lot of the police station. not crouched as she breaks down into tears. not inhaling and exhaling shakily with brynn, slowly recollecting herself.

eventually, her tears slow down and her breathing evens out. she sniffles a few times, blinking away the leftover tears in her eyes. her chest is still tight, but she's now put together well enough to confidently stand back up. she straightens her skirt back out and flattens her shirt.

"sorry." jackie says to brynn, feeling insanely embarrassed.

she's only spoken to brynn a few times, and now the girl has witnessed an anxiety attack. there's no coming back from something like that. they're best friends now. like it or not.

"don't apologize." brynn says, sincerely, meeting jackie's eye with a small smile. "it's not your fault. plus, i'm just glad i decided to come check on you."

jackie lets out a shaky laugh, already lightening up quite a bit.

she's had panic and anxiety attacks like this many times before. she got them very rarely as a kid, but they ended up reoccurring a lot after wilson passed. and ninety percent of the time, chris was there by her side. he helped her through them, and sat with her for hours afterward.

she's grateful for brynn. there aren't words to describe how grateful she is. but with chris, he always managed to calm her down in less than have the time it took her. jackie knows that's a horrible thing to think, but it's true. i mean, it's not brynn's fault. she hardly knows jackie whereas chris had known her for years.

after about twenty minutes of the two girls chatting away, laughing and talking together like they'd known each other their whole lives, brynn decides it's time for her to go back.

a few minutes into their conversation, it began to drizzle. they decided to seek shelter from the rain under a tree — it was a bit hard for jackie to explain to brynn why she didn't have a car, without giving her an hour-long sob story. so she just said she was too broke to afford one.

brynn offered her a ride back, but jackie insisted she was fine. honestly, she's pretty sure she'd rather be buried alive than to ride in a car with the triplets right now. she'll sit at a bus stop until it's done raining, then she'll walk home. she's done it plenty of times before.

just as brynn turns around to leave, she spins back around. "i have a question." she says, taking jackie by surprise.

"i don't want to talk about chris." jackie says, feeling the need to put it out there before it even becomes a topic. "please don't ask about him."

"what? no, of course not! your guys's drama isn't my business!" she says quickly. "anyway, i was just going to ask for- uh, your instagram, or phone number, or something. we've only known each other for a few days, but i'm super grateful for how you defended me at the club. and, well, you don't have to agree, but- uh, i wanted to stay in touch. like, friends? i dunno, maybe it's stupid, but-"

"no, it's not stupid at all! i'd love to be friends!" jackie tells her quickly. "also, don't worry about the club thing. you made it up to me when you helped just now in the parking lot. consider us even."

brynn laughs, "okay."

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so !!! that was a pretty heavy chapter !!!
#sorry

anyway ,, i miss wilson 😕 i've written out entire flashback chapters with her in them and i absolutely adore that girl & sometimes i feel bad for killing her off but oh well !