My breath hitched as I felt her body surrender to mine, her last breath against my neck as her hand fell to her side.

For a moment I felt as though all life had been drained from my being. No words would form in my head. Nakita ko ang paglapit ni Ma'am Johanna, running as tears flowed down her face. She knelt before us, palms to her lips as she wept.

No. This can't be true.

I snapped back to my senses, my hands now desperate as I held her shoulders, as though stirring her to life, but to no avail.

"H-hindi," I felt another tear escape my eyes, "Grace?" I smoothed her face, the tears upon it still warm, "Grace!" A storm of emotions overcame my mind, and all the more tears lined my cheeks.

I shut my eyes, my palms clenching to a fist. Panginoon, nasa'n Ka? Bakit? Bakit ganito!? A wave of sorrow overcame me, a longing so strong that all I could do was hold her in my arms even more. I hung my head in defeat, weeping as I felt an arm upon my shoulder. She can't be gone. How? How could she have just gone like that? No. It can't be true. It can't be true.

Her face seemed to flash across my eyes as I gazed into the horizon, the trees' leaves swaying as the wind intermingled with it. The smell of grass filled my nose, the silent flow of the river a slight comfort to the heaviness that weighed down my being.

Days rolled by like the clouds above me, but over and over I feel as though it had been only yesterday that I've seen her smile, how her eyes narrowed when she laughed. Kahit na anong gawin ko, hindi matanggal ang sakit na tila ba naka rehistro na pagkatao ko. I had only felt like this once, and it was when my mother had died. I knew beginning the day the Lord had called me that hardships will come, but never had I expected this.

Once more warm liquid stained my face, a lump of bitterness rising to my throat. Bakit, Panginoon? When revival broke out, You've revealed to me she is to be my helper, one who will be by my side, but why? Why did You take her now?

Was I making things up in my head? Was I receiving a word from the enemy, instead? Or ... did You change Your mind?

Napatungo ako, releasing a long breath as I gazed down. Does my pain please You, God? Does my suffering give You joy? Why? Why must it happen like this? Did You bring her in my life, just so You can break me when You take her away?

The questions raged in my head, and with each one I found the depths of my soul being exposed. I wanted to turn back, to curse God just as I have before, but over and over I heard His words through her lips, those memories of her teaching, those days that God had used her to rekindle a fire within me. Paano? Paano pa ako magagalit sa isang Diyos na kayang baguhin ang isang katulad ko? How can I hate a God whose love is greater than all my sins?

I felt my heart tighten, pain writhing in my being with each memory of her that flashed in my head.

Magtuloy ka...

Those were her last words. She wouldn't have died had she not taken that bullet for me. Had she not stood up to go towards me, ako siguro ang nasa kabaong ngayon. After hearing her last words, how could I turn back now?

I bowed my head, pain still upon my throat as I began to pray. Hindi ko alam kung kailan mawawala ang sakit na ito. The pain seemed unbearable, it had the power to take away from me the desire to rise in the morning, it had the power to rend me wordless for days. 

I bowed, forehead upon my knees as I did so. Deal with me Lord, please deal with me... Ibinibigay ko lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon. I surrender, Lord. Put my flesh to death, put me to death! I come before You right now. I have nothing, absolutely nothing to offer You except this life. Despite the pain, I thank You that for a period of time You have allowed her to be with me. Let this life be used as she was, let this life be Yours...

"I am Yours, Lord." I heard myself say in the silence, "Kahit masakit. Kahit parang wala na akong lakas na mabuhay, I choose to give You praise, not because of what I am feeling," Huminga ako ng malalim at tumingala sa asul na langit, "But because of who You are."

The view of crowds of people filled my perception. Napabuga nalang ako ng hangin. Grabe angdami talagang tao. Malawak naman ang Melvin Jones, pero halatang hindi parin ito sapat para sa dami ng mga taong dumadalo. It's a Sunday morning, and almost all the churches we passed by were overflowing with people. It was such a thrilling sight. Never in my life had I seen a time when people are this excited for God.

Naglakad ako patungo sa isang bakanteng upuan. Puno na ang mga upuan sa harap, at dahil napakarami ngang tao, dito nalang sa likod ang mayroong bakante. I don't mind. All I needed was to hear the message. The mic and speakers will do that for me. Sigurado rin namang si Gabriel ang magse-speak ngayong umaga.

Immediately I felt a heaviness wash over my being, the sight of Grace as she was closed away flashing in my head. Parang kailan lang noong naka-kwentuhan ko pa siya bago sila pumuntang Apayao. I took in a breath, resisting the tears before it fell. Parang hindi ko matanggap. Bakit gano'n? She was used so mightily, why had God allowed that to take place now?

"Good morning, Kakabsat!"

I heard a voice resound in the open field, tearing me from my thoughts. I took in a breath, composing myself as I listened.

"It is with great gratitude for God's Grace that I come before you this morning. Today, I come not as I have the past few days, today I come as a broken man."

Tama nga, si Gabriel and magpepreach ngayon. His voice alone emanated pain, and once more I felt my heart ache. Kung ako nga parang hindi ko matanggap, paano pa kaya siya? For a moment I felt pity for him. Paano? Paano niya kaya nahandle ang sakit?

My gaze was kept lowered, listening as he spoke. Somehow, I felt as though I was listening to a different man. Right from the start, people recognized the anointing in his life, but it was only this time that each word he seemed to speak was power-charged.

Naalala ko tuloy ang sinabi ni Grace noon, the anointing comes after the crushing, just as how the oil from olives come after they are crushed.

"I want all of us to go to the 3rd chapter of the Book of Daniel,"

I heard him instruct, and with this, I lifted the Bible from my lap, flipping it open at his word.

"Alam ko na pamilyar na ito sa marami sa ating naririto. It was in a time when King Nebuchadnezzar had set up a golden image of himself, and sent a decree that when the music plays, everyone must bow. It was in a time when the Israelites were captives in the land of Babylon." I read through the first verses as he spoke, recognizing the story as he too narrated it.

"Alam ng lahat na ang sumuway sa utos ng hari ay nangangahulugang kamatayan. Alam ng lahat na ang hindi tumupad sa utos na ito ay maitatapon sa apoy. The punishment for not bowing down, was death, and not only death but an excruciating one - one that is designed to make the person suffer.

"In this story, we are then introduced to three young Israelites. The king gave a decree, but there were these three young men, three young men who stood up for the One True God, three men who chose death rather than bowing to another. These three were Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego – and just as what the king decreed, they were indeed thrown into the fire as a punishment for their defiance."

I found myself biting the inside of my lip as he spoke, the words from the scripture an echo that repeated in my head.

"Kakabsat, let me emphasize this reality to you this morning." His voice heightened, "When you become a Christian, it doesn't guarantee you a perfect, painless, always happy life. Christianity is not a belief that makes all the evil in this world go away. If you are person who believes that, let me break it to you right now, you will soon be disappointed.

"Christianity is not a playground, my friends! Hindi ito isang relihiyon na maglalayo sa'yo sa mga sakit at pighanti ng mundo! You will soon find out, and I believe that some of you already have, that even as Christians, we face pain. Even as Christians, we face suffering. Even as Christians, we face heartbreak. There are times that we feel so broken, so crushed that hope seems to be so far and out of reach. It's a reality, brethren.

"There are times that, just like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, we come to a choice. Either to please men, or please God. Either we gratify the flesh, or we gratify the spirit, a choice where we either choose to honor God, or to honor our own selfish desires.

"Do you think only these three men faced a choice whether to bow to an idol or not? No! Every one of us comes to this point in life, because everything that you love more than God is an Idol!"

I shut my eyes forcibly, the words of rebuke like a sword to my heart. I released a shaky breath. Oh God, Oh God forgive me.

"Just look at your phone playlists, for example, and make a comparison! Ilan sa mga kanta d'yan ang nagbibigay papuri sa Diyos, at ilan sa mga kanta d'yan ang ang nagbibigay puri sa mundo at sa sarili?

"Check your lifestyles. How much of that time do you use for God, and how much do you use for your self? How much do you spend to be with God, and how much do you spend with doing things that have no relation with eternity?

"Choose!" Napasinghap ako, taken aback as I heard the loud echo of his voice. It ringed with so much authority, it resounded with so much urgency that even as he spoke, I felt my spirit stir. I felt a tear run down my face. Lord, Lord forgive me. I am a selfish woman. Change me, Lord, please change me!

"Choose now my friends! Who will you bow to? God? Or yourself?

"Look at this verse, kakabsat. Look at how the three young men had responded to the threat of the Nebuchadnezzar.

"16 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego answered and said to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. 17 If that is the case, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us from your hand, O king. 18 But if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up."

"I want us to focus right there on the 18th verse. Gusto kong maintindihan natin ito, they had so much devotion and commitment to God, that even if he doesn't deliver them, they would still not bow to another god."

My gaze remained upon the scriptures, amazed as I began to realize its tremendous power. I've known this story as a child, ilang beses ko rin itong napakinggan mula sa ibang mga manunuro, but only now have I come to realize the weight that these words carried.

"Do you see the intensity of this?" I lifted my gaze, tracing out the man's figure that stood on the field's stage, "This!" He lifted the Bible, "This right here is true commitment. This is the commitment that God requires of us."

"It is very easy to take a leap of faith when you know and are sure that God will be there. It is very easy to choose Him when you know He will deliver you out of the storm, which He does most of the time, but what will you do when He doesn't? What will you do if He seems so far away in your time of need? What will you do if He seems silent in times that you need Him the most?

"Will you still choose Him? Will you still commit? Will you still praise Him even when it is painful? Will you still hold on despite the suffering? Kahit ba masakit at nahihirapan ka na, will you still love Him?

"To tell you honestly, kakabsat, these were the questions I had to answer. For the past few days, I felt as though God had begun to truly deal with me, and never did I expect the breaking to be this painful.

"Alam kong nabalitaan niyo kung ano ang nangyari nang pumunta kami sa Apayao. Yes, I come here as a testimony to that. It was before my eyes, that I saw a woman of God, a woman I so deeply cherished, die for the cause of Christ.

"At that night, this was the message that I planned to preach about. The Holy Spirit, however, had other plans, and so no preaching was heard that night. Little did I know that in that night, the preaching of this message was not mine to speak, but was hers to show. That's right, Grace had preached it for me, and she preached it with her life.

"Hindi ko siya nakasama ng ganong katagal, pero sa mga buwan na nagkasama kami, paulit-ulit kong nakita ang pagpili niya sa Diyos kahit naisasakripisyo na ang mga bagay na mahalaga sakaniya. When she had been driven off her cousin's home for being in the Campus Ministry, she'd chosen to leave rather than stay and not serve God. I've seen how she had been willing to be used despite the pain of her mother's death. It had never failed to fascinate me. And now, even in the face of death, she chose Christ.

"Her commitment puts me to shame. Many years I've spent hating God for my mother's death, and then here comes a woman who literally gave her life away to God even more despite the loss of one she loves so much."

For a few moments there was silence in the field, one so solemn yet so urging. Tears began to stream down my face. Lord, if only I had an inkling of the courage in her life. Mariin kong ipinikit ang aking mga mata. Panginoon, won't You empower me too? Please, please I need You... I want You...

"Let this be an encouragement to us all. Her life was the seed of Revival to mine, and I pray, that it will be yours too. Today, God's calls us to commitment. He calls us to a higher plane of relationship with Him. The question I bring to you this morning is this; are you willing to commit?"

The questioned ringed in my head like an endless echo, each word like a sword piercing my soul. Yes, yes I want to commit, even if ... even if it will cost me everything.

"If anyone is with me today, if anyone here has been moved as I have been, then I want you to stand up, and declare this word with me. Three times we will lift our voices. I will declare the word 'I have decided to follow Jesus,' and we all will respond, 'No Turning Back'."

It didn't take more than a minute before all had risen to their feet, some from the ground as they had been convicted to tears earlier. I clasped my palms to my lips, eyes shut as I felt the tears that escaped its confines.

"I have decided to follow Jesus!" Like a trumpet his voice echoed loudly in the field, and immediately a wave of voices followed. Like an army crying out to battle, shouts of commitment were heard, voices echoing in the skies with each word.

No Turning Back!

I lifted my hands, eyes still shut as I declared.

No Turning Back!

Beginning this day, this will not only be a clichéd expression for me. Today, it is a vow, a vow that will forever bind my life.

No Turning Back!