TW: not really trigger warning but some sentences might upset you (idk if that makes sense)
love_fovvs liked some of my stories with asexual representation so...
Ps. is a bit long ;)

Sonny POV
Every time I walk inside this building I just want to end it, it's worse than hell because even there they have a bit of mercy always if God exists...
I walked slowly through the hallway till I found my friends talking quietly near some lockers.
"Hey, Sonny!" Rye said and I replied with a simple nod.
I listened to him and Jeff talking, not really interested in their conversation then Rye brought up a party.
"Saturday my parents are gone for work or some shit so I'll have a party at mine" he proudly announced.
"Ok, I'll bring all the alcohol but we have to play truth and dare while drunk" Jeff added.
I rolled my eyes at their childish behavior like what are they? 5-year-olds? No one plays truth or dare anymore.
At this point, I don't even know why I'm still friends with them.
"Sonny, are you coming?" Jeff got my attention.
"Yeah sure..." I don't like parties at all but agreed anyway.

I wasn't really in the mood to talk to them so I excused myself and went to the school library.
The only positive thing about going to an old school is that we have a huge library full of books.
Walking in there feels like being in a maze and no one usually comes, some of them don't even know what a library is...
I'm not a nerd but there's something here that makes me feel safe.
I walked quietly into the room waving kindly at the old lady that always sits behind the main desk and headed towards the furthest corner, my paradise.
I always go here, not only because it's quiet and peaceful but also because it's my favorite section of the library.
All then books that aren't popular or known end up here and I've basically read all of them.
My fingers brushed lightly against the spine of the books on the shelf till I reached the book I wanted to read: 'Emily Dickinson'
I pulled out the book and opened it on a random page.
I read all of the poems inside of it but sometimes I like to reread them because every time I find some new detail that I didn't notice before.
The boys don't know about this but Emily is my obsession, she was an American poetess that lived in the 19th century.
I love everything about her and she's literally my spiritual guide.
I continued reading her poem when someone leaned against the bookshelf and spoke.
"She was a misunderstood genius, the perfect example that being normal sucks..."
I raised my eyes from the page and looked at the boy.
He was shorter than me, with golden hair and light eyes, basically the opposite of me and his style looked...particular...
"Em...yeah..." I didn't know what to say back because he read my mind and I was pretty shocked by his presence here in the first place.
The fact is that Emily wasn't considered a serious writer at the time and not many people know about her.
"I love her poems about death and whenever she talks about love it isn't cheesy..." he got closer.
I stared at him, not in a creepy way but with curiosity, he did it again and I'm scared.
"What are you reading exactly?" He asked and crossed his arms resting his back on the bookshelf in front of me.
"...a letter that she wrote for Sue..." I replied with a whisper.
"Her letters are my favorite...I knew that someone so perfect and smart couldn't love men. Emily proved that men suck"
"First of all, he loved Ben and second, you are one" I commented.
"Ben was the only exception and yeah you're right...I'm also attracted to them but men still suck"
I simply nodded because he wasn't wrong.
Silence fell between us and it was slightly uncomfortable even tho the guy seemed perfectly fine but thank God the bell saved me.
"I have to go now..." I said putting back the book.
Before leaving I turned around to look at the guy without a name, he smiled at me and I hoped to see him again.

The week went on without major problems, I've always been the quiet guy so no one really notices me most of the time and I'm fine with that.
Even if Rye and Jeff are my friends, I hate the fact that they are popular and extrovert because I always end up listening to shitty conversations like 'my mom won't let me go to that party' or 'that girl is so hot. I need to hook up with her'.
They are so superficial and I'm tired of it, that blonde guy was perfect compared to them, not that it's difficult.
He looked cute with his light eyes and most important he was so smart.
No one knows who Emily Dickinson is, at least not people our age but he does.
When I nominated Sue he didn't look confused at all, it was like I was talking about an old friend and not about Emily's secret lover.

I was on my way towards the library while I was thinking about him, I wanted to see him again and I hoped to find him there reading some poems but there was no sight of him.
I rested my back on the wall across the bookshelf and sighed while staring at the books.
I met this guy once and now I can't get him out of my head.
I picked up the same book I was reading when we first met and a small piece of paper fell from it.

~I know Emily hated parties but Sue loved them so I hope to find you at Rye's Saturday night
Harper x~

I looked at his clean handwriting and the name at the end of the note...Harper...it's just a name but somehow there was something special about it.
I know I said yes but I still hate parties just like Emily but now that Harper asked me I'm definitely going.
I exited the library and bumped into Jeff.
"What were you doing in there?" Jeff asked like I just returned from a magical place like Narnia.
"...reading...?"
He looked at me confused.
"Anyway, I wanted to tell you that today after school we'll hang out at mine. Are you coming?"
I just nodded and we walked together to class.

-later at Jeff's house-
I've been in this house a thousand times and since Jeff's dad is an important doctor, here everything costs more than my life but I've never been fascinated by the big pool or the huge TV screen that they have in the living room, my favorite room is his dad's library.
When I was younger I used to sneak in there and read random books, sometimes I still do it.
I admit that I maybe have a problem with books and libraries.
The three of us walked upstairs to Jeff's room and they started playing video games while I sat on the king-size bed, the usual routine.
We talked about random stuff and I love those simple moments that we have but Rye brought up girls and I shifted uncomfortably.
It's not like I have something against females, I think they are great and that's why I'm obsessed with a lady from the 19th century but the problem is the conversation itself.
We always end up talking about sex and stuff somehow and it makes me feel weird like there's something wrong with me.
I haven't told them or anyone that I'm asexual and obviously is not their fault if those topics make me uncomfortable because they don't even know but I don't know...
"Do you know that there are people who don't have sex...like never? How do they even do it? Sex makes everything better...they are missing out" Rye said at one point.
"Maybe they don't get how great sex is because they never tried" Jeff chimed in.
I wanted to punch both of them in the face so bad.
"Maybe they just don't feel the need to. Maybe they are fine without it..." I defended trying not to sound too obvious.
Both of them looked at me like I was some kind of alien.
"It was just a supposition" I said focusing on something else to avoid the embarrassment.
They turned around to the huge TV and the conversation died there.
They acted as nothing happened but you could sense the tension in the room.

-Saturday at the party-
I don't usually care how I'm dressed or how I look but for some reason, I spent the last hour in front of the mirror trying to fix my hair and choose the perfect outfit.
Maybe but just maybe I wanted to look good for Harper.
I don't really know what will happen with him but for sure I don't want what happened with the boys at Jeff's house to happen again.
I know Harper is different, more open-minded but I don't think I can bear him looking at me weird plus I don't think the world is ready for me to come out.
I looked one last time at my reflection then grabbed my phone and keys and headed to Rye's house.
I was able to hear the music from miles away and wondered if the neighbors were gonna call the police.

When I walked in, I noticed that the house was packed and I could barely hear my own thoughts.
I made my way through the sea of people and finally, I reached the kitchen.
It was a lot quieter there and alcohol and plastic cups were scattered everywhere so I grabbed some tequila and mixed it with a bit of orange juice, it tastes good I promise.
I sipped my drink quietly while watching people dancing in the living room, it was getting boring when someone called my name, Jeff.
"Mate! You made it" he gave me a brotherly hug and saw that Rye was close behind him.
I gave him a quick hug too then went back to sip my drink.
"So we were thinking about playing beer pong or getting high in the basement" Rye said over the loud music.
"I would rather get high but first I need to find someone" I replied and they smirked at me.
I rolled my eyes because they obviously thought about a girl and Harper is definitely not one.
"Ok man, we'll see you later downstairs" Rye patted my back and left with Jeff.
I finished my drink leaving the cup on the counter then went to look for Harper.
After a while, I found him sitting on a sofa in the corner of the living room.
"Hey!" I screamed over the loud music.
He smiled at me and got up so we're were at the same height, Harper is just a few inches shorter than me.
"I found your note" I said into his ear.
"Thank God, I was scared that someone else read it" he got closer and I felt his breath on my skin.
"It's Emily Dickinson, not even her family read her poems"
He laughed at my comment and it made me feel warm.
"I want to take you somewhere" I said taking his hand and dragged him towards the basement.
"Are you gonna kill me down there?" He asked while we walked down the stairs, our hands still intertwined.
"Well, you weren't supposed to know..." I went on with his joke.

Once we arrived, Jeff motioned me to come closer and handed me a joint.
I sat on a couch next to Harper and our knees were touching, I felt like a 13 years old girl because I was screaming on the inside at the contact.
I put the joint between my lips and breathed in, relaxing right away then handed it to Harper.
I couldn't stop looking at his lips and it was getting creepy so I decided to start a conversation.
"How did you know that I was gonna pick the book with the note?" My voice soft and quiet since there wasn't loud music anymore.
"I didn't know...I just hoped you would have picked that one and you did" Harper took another drag.
I didn't say anything back because I really didn't know what to say, I need to improve my social skills.
"I have to be honest, you don't look like someone who likes to read Dickinson or even reading at all. No offense obviously"
"Well I may have 'popular' friends but sometimes I feel out of place like I don't fit in" I explained.
"So why Emily?" He asked.
"I don't know...I found her randomly and she has this power over me that I can't describe. It's like I find myself in her poems..."
"...she's different. She doesn't write like everyone else and she didn't dream about a wedding or finding true love like the majority of the people of her period. She actually dreamed about her funeral once..." Harper completed my sentence.
I was supposed to focus on his words but I just couldn't because his voice was hypnotizing.
"I wish I could live a life like hers, except for the part where one of her lovers dies and the other one gets married to her brother, I'm already unlucky enough" he joked.
"Yeah, she wasn't that lucky with love...Ben was the first person that believed in her and they were perfect for each other but then he died. Sue...she supported her but she didn't get Emily's talent, Ben did..."
For a second I thought that Harper was like my Ben because we get each other, he reads my mind every time we talk.
"But about love...I'm awful" I added.
"Are you one of those people that have super high standards so you reject everyone and you end up alone?" He asked while lighting another joint.
"I mean...I can't date anyone, I'm very specific about my lovers" I said proudly.
"So what is your type?" He asked passing the joint and our fingertips brushed slightly.
'You are my type' was what I wanted to say but Rye interrupted our conversation.

"We are gonna play truth or dare and who refuses has to drink a shot"
"It's such a dumb game" Harper whispered so I was the only one able to hear and the fact that we think the same scares me.
The other guys started kinda soft, there were some stupid dares but they were ok.
Then it was my turn.
"Truth or dare, Sonny?" Jeff asked, he was tipsy.
"Truth"
It's always the safer choice.
Jeff thought about a question but Rye had to help him.
"Among the people in this room who would you have sex with?"
My face dropped at the question.
I'm an open book, I don't have that many secrets but not this question...
I gulped and suddenly I felt hot, did someone turn the heat on?
Harper probably noticed my nervousness because he asked if I was ok.
I looked at him then at Rye, Jeff and the rest of the room...I couldn't answer it, I-I needed to leave.

So that's what I did, I ran outside and even tho I stopped in the front yard, I was out of breath, that's what happens when you smoke too much kids.
I was panting and I felt something wet on my cheeks, perfect.
Why did I decide to come in the first place?
I don't want to come out, I'm not ready but I can't keep this a secret any longer...
I laid on the grass and looked at the stars to calm myself down, all of this is awful.
Then someone hovered me and for some reason, I thought it was the angel of death that finally arrived to take me away.
I have been waiting for too long but then I realized that it was someone far away from death, Harper.
"I know you're not ok and I won't force you to talk to me but just know that I won't judge" he said quietly and I barely heard him.
Silence fell between us even tho the music from inside filled the air.
"I-I'm..."
I sat up so we were eye level.
"I'm asexual" I spit out and looked away immediately, scared of his reaction.
Harper didn't say anything and engulfed me in his arms.
It felt like being wrapped with the softest blanket ever and then I cried, I cried happy tears.
I imagined a thousand times the moment of me coming out and I expected the worse but this...this is perfect.
"You don't have to cry...it's ok, there's nothing wrong" he soothed me and I wanted to stay like this forever.
We pulled apart and Harper grabbed my face so that my eyes could look into his.
We were so close that our noses almost touched.
"You don't think I'm a weirdo?" I asked, my voice raspy from crying.
Harper smiled at me fondly and shook his head no.
"My sister is asexual too and I think it's completely valid. You don't need sex to feel whole, I actually don't care about it either"
How can someone be so fucking perfect?!
"I don't know ask my parents who raised me..." he laughed.
God, I said that out loud?!?!?
"Emm...yeah you did and you're still doing it"
I hid my face behind my hands even tho it wasn't enough, I wanted to bury myself at least six feet underground.
"Hey..." he grabbed my chin and... kissed my cheek.
My skin tingled where he kissed me.
Our eyes locked again and my gaze flickered to his lips, I hope he didn't notice.
Then I processed the fact that Harper was leaning in and I panicked.
He stopped as soon as he saw my nervousness but I didn't want him to stop, quite the opposite actually.
"...please..." I begged quietly and for a sec I hoped he didn't hear me because that was embarrassing but he did.
Our lips crashed together and I was on cloud nine, Emily doesn't describe in her poems how a first kiss feels like but I'm sure that she would agree with me when I say that it's like finding your missing puzzle piece.
Forget about sex, my body knew something that my mind wasn't still aware of.
I needed Harper's touch and the kiss was enough, it was perfect.
We pulled away but our foreheads rested against each other.
I looked at his light eyes and suddenly everything around me disappeared, all my worries and fears didn't matter anymore and I liked that feeling.
Now I get what Emily means when she talks about Sue in her poems, Harper is my Sue.
"How about we get out of here?" Harper asked caressing my neck and jawline.
I hummed and we stood up.
I needed to process what just happened but Harper grabbed my hand and that made me think that now everything else isn't important.
It doesn't matter who I like or if I'm asexual, I'm here with Harper and that's enough.

___________________________________

Note*
This one is a bit different because I saw "Dickinson" (a series) and it's really good so I decided to write a story with mentions of Emily Dickinson (at the top there's one of my fav poems by her).
I hope you guys like it :)
Next week is gonna be chaotic but I hope I'll have time to post. Love u all 🤍