NOW PLAYING - TO MY YOUTH BY BOL4

❛At some point, I used to wish I would disappear from this world
The whole world seemed so dark and I cried every night
Will I feel better if I just disappeared?
I was so afraid of everyone's eyes on me❜

✦ ⎯⎯ㅤִㅤ୭ ୨♡୧ ৎㅤִ  ⎯⎯ ✦

[ trigger warning: skipping meals; self depreciating ]

Apparently, inanimate objects could provide more comfort than a real person. Maybe that's why Yu-ri's pillow was drenched with tears. Her eyes blazing red, burning, sweltering, tears bubbled and overflow, leaving her a blubbering mess. Truthfully, she was never as put together as she seemed. She was an absolute trainwreck, the more time passes the worse she got, mentally and physically - emotionally she was already destroyed.

Yu-ri loathed herself. She wished she was better. The mirror was a daily tormentor reflecting a stranger she couldn't reconcile with the person she felt she should be. Dark, heavy bags perpetually stained the skin beneath her eyes, a testament to sleepless nights fueled by anxiety and self-criticism. Her eyes, bloodshot and perpetually irritated, stung with unshed tears. Her eyelashes, stubbornly clinging together with morning grit, felt like tiny, accusing fingers pointing to her supposed flaws.

Everything felt…wrong.

She never felt comfortable with her body image either, especially her thighs, they were pudgy and thick in comparison to the rest of her body, not to mention her stretch marks, everything felt disorganised. Everything felt disorganised, chaotic, a reflection of the turmoil within.

Yu-ri flopped on her bed, the old mattress groaning in protest. She pulled her blanket over her head, burying herself in a wave of melancholy. The world felt heavy, suffocating. She grabbed her phone and blasted her music, a cacophony of angry pop-punk, willing the sound to drown out the incessant chorus of self-doubt that echoed in her mind.

A rhythmic pounding on the door was followed by her mother’s exasperated voice. "Yu-ri! Breakfast is ready! Come on, you’ll be late!"

Yu-ri ignored her, turning the volume up louder. The weight of the world felt too heavy to lift, even for a bowl of her mother’s comforting kimchi jjigae.

Meanwhile, at the Kwon household, the boys were lounging around in the living room, Yongbae was ransacking the fridge. Seunghyun and Jiyong were bickering over what new songs to write. Daesung sat at the foot of the couch, playing with his Nintendo, the roudy atmosphere was a norm for the boys.

"Guys, tone it down! You're gonna wake the neighbors!" Yongbae shouted, his voice muffled and slightly wet with saliva as he spoke around a mouthful of gummy worms. The irony was thick enough to spread on toast. He sounded less like a peacemaker and more like a poorly lubricated machine trying to digest construction debris, a blatant display of hypocrisy that even he seemed unaware of.

Seunghyun, leaning precariously off the armrest of a worn armchair, rolled his eyes dramatically. "Says the one who sounds like a garbage disposal eating a tin can." He emphasized the last word with a flourish of his hand, as if conducting an orchestra of auditory discomfort.

Jiyong, sprawled on the floor amidst a chaotic landscape of discarded snack wrappers and game controllers, never one to miss an opportunity for a jab, chimed in, "Yeah, Yongbae, maybe focus on finding a rhythm that isn't a stomach rumble. You could start a new genre - Gastric Groove." He snickered at his own wit, earning him a playful shove from Seunghyun.

Daesung, hunched over a handheld game console, his thumbs flying across the buttons with practiced ease, barely lifted his head. "Peace talks in three… two… one…" he muttered, his voice a low rumble, more prediction than plea. Years of living with these three had honed his ability to anticipate conflict.

As predicted, the bickering escalated. The insults became more elaborate, the laughter louder, the general racket increasing exponentially. Suddenly, amidst the verbal sparring, Daesung paused his game, his thumbs hovering over the buttons. A rare moment of silent contemplation settled upon him, his brow furrowing slightly in concentration. "Hey," he said, his voice low and thoughtful, a stark contrast to the previous cacophony, "Did anyone else notice Yu-ri acting… weird yesterday?"

Seunghyun and Jiyong stopped mid-argument, their faces frozen in expressions of mock outrage. Daesung's unusual seriousness was enough to pierce through their habitual teasing. Yongbae, still methodically demolishing the bag of gummy worms, looked up, his expression questioning, a red gummy worm clinging precariously to the corner of his mouth.

"Weird how?" Seunghyun asked, finally abandoning his precarious perch and leaning back against the sofa, his usual playful demeanor tempered with genuine curiosity. The shift in tone was palpable.

"I don't know," Daesung replied, carefully considering his words, his eyes unfocused as he replayed the memory in his mind. "She just seemed… off. In the library, after…you know…" he trailed off, gesturing vaguely in Jiyong's direction, a subtle implication hanging in the air.

Jiyong scoffed, his usual arrogance quickly returning like a shield. "She was probably just stressed about her grades. Can't handle a little competition, can she?" He tried to dismiss the issue, a hint of discomfort flickering behind his bravado.

Seunghyun chuckled, patting Jiyong on the back with perhaps a little more force than necessary. "Don't be so harsh, Ji. You were being a bit of an ass, even for you." He softened his words with a smile, but the underlying criticism was clear.

"I was just having some fun!" Jiyong retorted, crossing his arms defensively. "Besides, she's the one who takes everything so seriously. It's just high school." He huffed, trying to regain control of the conversation and steer it back to safer, less emotionally charged territory.

Daesung, however, remained unconvinced. He couldn't shake the feeling that something was genuinely wrong. He remembered the look on Yu-ri's face, the tight set of her jaw that seemed almost unnatural, the almost palpable tension that had radiated from her like heat from a furnace. It was more than just stress about grades, he was sure of it. There was something else there, something lurking beneath the surface that he couldn't quite put his finger on, and it bothered him deeply. He just hoped he wasn't the only one who saw it.

"No," Daesung persisted, his voice laced with a concern that resonated deeply in the room. "It was more than that, hyung. You know it was. She looked… hurt. Like you'd actually upset her, hyung. Really upset her." He emphasized the last part, trying to pierce through Jiyong's usual indifference.

Yongbae, finally finished with his gummy worm assault – a colorful massacre of sugary sweetness now clinging to his fingers – chimed in, his voice slightly muffled. "Yeah, I saw her too. She practically ran out of the library. Something definitely happened. It was like she was trying to escape something… or someone." He glanced pointedly at Jiyong.

Jiyong rolled his eyes again, the gesture exaggerated. "Drama queen. Probably just trying to get attention. You know how she gets around exam time, always trying to get sympathy votes." He waved a dismissive hand.

Seunghyun, though usually firmly planted on Jiyong's side, a loyal and unquestioning supporter, hesitated. A small, unusual furrow appeared between his brows. He had a grudging respect for Yu-ri's intelligence and relentless work ethic. He knew she wasn't one to overreact or play the victim. "Maybe… maybe you should apologize, Ji. Just in case." He knew the words would likely be met with resistance, but he had to try.

Jiyong’s eyes flashed dangerously, a flicker of anger igniting within them. "Apologize? To her? For what? For being better than her? For calling her out on her inaccuracies in Professor Kim’s lecture? Never." He turned away abruptly, grabbing his worn notebook and stomping off towards his room, the heavy thud of his footsteps shaking the floorboards. "I have music to write. Unlike some people, I actually have talent to cultivate and songs to finish before the deadline." The door slammed behind him, punctuating his statement with a resounding echo.

Seunghyun sighed, shaking his head with a weary resignation. "He'll never change. He pushes everyone away, even the people who care."

Daesung watched Jiyong go, a thoughtful frown etched on his face. He couldn't shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong, not just with Yu-ri, but with the entire situation. It went beyond their typical academic rivalry, which had always been a mostly harmless game of intellectual one-upmanship. He remembered the flicker of vulnerability he had seen in Jiyong's eyes for a split second, the almost-apology that had risen to his throat but never quite made it past his lips.

He wondered what had really happened in the sterile, silent environment of the library. And he wondered, with a growing sense of unease, if Jiyong was being deliberately obtuse, building a wall of arrogance to avoid facing his own culpability. He knew that beneath the bravado and the arrogant swagger, beneath the carefully constructed persona of the untouchable genius, Jiyong was actually quite sensitive. He often used his sharp wit and cutting remarks as a defense mechanism, a way to keep people at arm's length, to prevent them from getting close enough to see the insecurities he so carefully guarded.

"Maybe," Daesung said quietly, turning back to Seunghyun and Yongbae, his voice barely above a whisper. "Maybe we should just… see if she's okay. Just check on her, make sure she's not…" He trailed off, unable to articulate the worries that swirled in his mind.

Seunghyun shrugged, a faint smile playing on his lips. "You know, for a guy glued to his Nintendo and surrounded by game consoles, you're surprisingly perceptive, Dae. Got a heart of gold under all that tech obsession, huh?"

Yongbae nodded in agreement, his eyes lighting up with a mischievous glint. "Yeah, and I'm down for a spy mission! We can use the ventilation shafts! Remember that time we…?" He launched into a rambling anecdote.

Daesung, however, wasn't thinking of it as a spy mission, or an adventure, or anything remotely fun. He was genuinely concerned. He had always admired Yu-ri’s quiet dedication and her unwavering strength. She was the type of person who always helped others without expecting anything in return. And he couldn’t shake the feeling that she was silently battling something significant, something that she desperately needed help with. He just hoped they weren't too late. He knew that despite her outward composure, Yu-ri was fragile, and Jiyong's words, however unintentional, could have lasting consequences. He had to do something.

———————————————

CHAPTER BY ; SEOIN & JAY

WORD COUNT !
1,783

⟢ . . . NOTE FROM AUTHOR

yo hey guys !! this is author Jay. seoin will and I will be a bit inactive, as posted in her message board. I – sadly, have a lot of things going on. with my academic responsibilities, I'll let seoin take charge. but I'll be able to update whenever seoin requests me to. my exams are coming and I need to study. anyway ; do you like this story so far? we would love if you comment your feedbacks. we love reading the comments, it gives us motivation.

~ jyeonvt