"Hello? Is someone there? Jacob, I think someone is crying in one of the stalls..."

"What? Really?"

"Yeah, go get Principal Choi, hurry!"

The door creaks when it opens, and also when it closes, and the sound of rubber soles squeaking against the floor fades quickly in the distance.

Juyeon shivers, pulling his legs closer to his chest, hugging them tightly. Uncomfortable and about to slip down from the closed toilet seat, he counts to ten over and over in his head, swallows his shaking breaths and bites the inside of his cheek to keep his cries silent. The sleeves of his school uniform are wet from tears, light gray stained dark, and his heart stops the moment his left foot slips down—his shoe slides against the side of the toilet bowl. Squeaking. Louder than thunder. Outside the stall the shadows from shoes pacing back and forth suddenly stop.

"I know you're in there," the voice speaks again. "I can hear you."

The voice is gentle, familiar. It only makes everything even worse. Juyeon sighs, quietly but heavily, painfully aware of who that certain voice belongs to.

"I'm not going to hurt you, okay? I just want to help."

Juyeon hesitates a little, before slowly sliding his feet towards the floor—a decision he regrets at least a hundred times during. With shaking hands he clicks the lock open, and the sound cuts through the heavy silence. Harsh to his ears, making him flinch.

"Hey, are you-"

- okay, 'are you okay?' — the sentence should have ended like that, but it doesn't, and Juyeon knows why. The answer is pretty obvious. Brown eyes widen up, stare at him from outside the small stall.

He feels his cheek flush, warm, red, painted full of embarrassment — maybe it will be enough to cover the bruises he got out behind the bleachers. A beating at school is nothing new to Juyeon. Bullying had already become a part of his everyday life, back at his old school. Freak, that's what they called him, what they call him at this place too. He is weird, quiet, awkward in both looks and manners. He is too tall and too lanky at the same time, and his brain isn't fast enough to come up with a good comeback, when the cool guys mock him outside the classroom. He just stands there, looking like the moron they call him out to be. Maybe the last part is for the better though. No talking back.

Juyeon pulls at the bottom of his gray blazer, cold fingertips pressing into wet spots, eyes stubbornly staring at the floor, following around the tiles at his feet, shoulders pulled upwards — as if it would be enough to hide him. He swallows, there is still a faint metallic taste in his mouth. His lip hurts, his left eye as well, he must look an absolute mess.

"Hey... I'm Lee Hyunjae," the boy in front of him carefully says, as if Juyeon doesn't already know that. They are in the same grade, Hyunjae is the class president — everyone loves him. Of course Juyeon knows who he is.

"I know..." Juyeon quickly coughs, "- I-I mean... I'm Lee Juyeon."

"Oh, we have the same last name!" Hyunjae is glowing. In the dull bathroom light, Hyunjae is drawn with vivid colors, and Juyeon doesn't dare to say how their last name isn't that uncommon at all. Hyunjae knows that already anyway, of course he does, he is the smartest kid at school. It was stupid of Juyeon to even think that.

"Yeah..." Juyeon says instead.

"You're the new kid, right?

"... Yeah."

Hyunjae suddenly leans in, his arm brushing against Juyeon's — making him flinch. Hyunjae doesn't seem to notice. He quickly pulls a few pieces of toilet paper off, folds them and about to reach out towards Juyeon, he stops midair.

"Your... Your lip is still bleeding a little. Right there," he says, pointing towards the left side of Juyeon's mouth..

"Oh..." Juyeon feels the warmth explode in his cheeks.

Hyunjae, quite a curious being, looks at Juyeon when he accepts the toilet paper, and gently pats himself at his bottom lip. And Hyunjae just keeps looking, staring almost, with his big doe eyes.

But Juyeon doesn't really mind.

Hours later, Juyeon leaves the principal's office with a note for his father. Outside the door, he crumbles the paper in his hand, stuffs it into the pocket of his pants when no one is there to see it. Juyeon sighs. No point in showing his father the note, he wouldn't care anyway. Just like there was no reason for Juyeon to tell Principal Choi the names of the boys who beat him up, no matter how insisting the principal had been. Things aren't going to change, Juyeon already learned that at his old school.

"Juyeon?"

Footsteps catch up with him, and Juyeon stops and turns — nearly bumping into Hyunjae coming from behind.

"Oh hi..." Juyeon is surprised. The last class of the day should have ended thirty minutes ago, and the students should have either gone home or to their evening tutoring classes elsewhere. "You're still here?" he asks, as if it isn't obvious.

"Yeah, we wanted to wait for you!" Hyunjae says, smiling and glowing the exact same way he did earlier. Maybe he is simply always like that, Juyeon wonders.

Juyeon takes a step backwards, hands clenched tightly around the brown strap of his backpack. "R-really?"

Juyeon is not even left with enough time to question who 'we' are, when two other figures catch up with them as well. He recognizes one of them, as the boy who went to get the principal earlier.

"Hi, I'm Jacob," the boy says. He has a kind smile. Jacob adds a quick nod towards the taller boy next to him. "This is Mingyu."

"Sup," Mingyu grins widely. "You like basketball?"

"They're on the basketball team, don't worry, they'll tell you like a thousand times," Hyunjae laughs, and his laugh is the prettiest thing Juyeon has ever heard.

"We're heading out to play some ball at the park, then Mingyu's older brother is going to tutor us in math later, when he gets off from work." Jacob says with another smile. "You wanna come?"

Juyeon can't figure out if the offer is genuine, or if the others only ask because they take pity on him. He does stand there, with his stupid black eye and bruised lip, after all, nervously tugging at the straps of his backpack. But, when Hyunjae links their arms together, and gently pulls him closer with an encouraging smile, Juyeon nods.

"Yeah, that sounds... Great. Thanks."

"Don't worry," Hyunjae says later that night, with his gentle voice, as if he can easily read every look on Juyeon's face. The sound of the basketball bouncing against asphalt, and Jacob and Mingyu bickering, suddenly seems so distant. "We're your friends now. And friends look out for each other, right?"

Hyunjae's eyes glisten like a starry night under the lampposts, when he and Juyeon sits side by side on the grass by the basketball court. Juyeon pulls at the grass under him. A simple nod. The evening wind is mild, gentle and calming—just like Hyunjae's careful touch, near Juyeon's bruised eye, softly stroking a few stray hairs away.

Hyunjae smiles.

"Right." And Juyeon smiles too.

"Fuck! Fucking, fuck!" Juyeon curses, loudly, when he storms down the street, squinting his eyes from the blinding sun—nearly stumbling over his own feet, as he turns a corner. Hands closed in fists, knuckles hurt from where he hit Younghoon's jaw—and Juyeon's heart hurts just the same. He runs as fast as his legs can move him, but he feels stuck. The world is spinning around him, just going, going, going—but Juyeon is standing still. Every sound is loud, thundering through his ears, echoing in his head. And there is pain, so much pain, pumping through his veins from where his heart is breaking.

Hyunjae. And Younghoon. Hyunjae and Younghoon slept together...

Juyeon's heart breaks and breaks, and it fucking breaks, more and more with each hasty step down the street. Hyunjae must really hate him now—must have believed whatever Younghoon told him. Juyeon swallows a lump in his throat. He has no one to blame but himself, it only makes everything even worse.

There have been times where Juyeon has suspected Hyunjae of hooking up with someone else, a few times, long ago—before their first kiss. Nothing that was ever serious, nothing that was important enough for Hyunjae to share with Juyeon either. And Juyeon, naive and inexperienced, told himself it didn't matter. It stopped anyway, so why should it bother him that he won't be Hyunjae's first.

He still wants Hyunjae to be his first.

But Kim Younghoon, sleeping with Kim fucking Younghoon is different. Way different, and Juyeon is scared he'll never get past this.

Down the stairs to the metro, Juyeon is close to tears. He barely registers the sound of the current train announcing the doors are about to close—before running the last distance, practically jumping into the train. He wants to go home, so badly, just lock the door and hide from the world.

But maybe Juyeon shouldn't have been in such a hurry.

Standing right in front of him, staring back with equally surprised eyes, is Hyunjae. Neither of them speak. At the next station more people get on, it gets a little crowded, Juyeon is forced to either take a step towards Hyunjae, having them practically pressed against each other, or step aside—let someone else take his spot, let himself be pushed out of sight. How ironic.

Juyeon chooses the last option.

An older lady settles in between them, unfortunately not nearly tall enough to block Juyeon's view. Hyunjae has turned half-way around, leaving Juyeon with only his side profile to look at, whenever he gazes up towards the screen showing the current station.

Juyeon stares, even when he doesn't want to. His eyes burn when they meet the red marks clawing their way up behind the collar of Hyunjae's shirt, and Juyeon's hands curl into fists. Anger shoots through him, shakes his entire body. Younghoon did that, left those marks, kissed Hyunjae's soft lips. His skin. Everything.

And Juyeon, of all people, knows exactly how amazing it feels, kissing Hyunjae. Juyeon can't help but wonder if Hyunjae's lips fit as perfectly against Younghoon's, as they do against Juyeon's own. He surely hopes not.

His eyes follow the sharp edge of Hyunjae's jaw, down his neck, the small curls of the blonde hair at his nape. Juyeon remembers the way it feels to fall asleep with his nose buried in those soft curls, inhaling the scent of everything that is Lee Hyunjae. He remembers the cute sounds Hyunjae makes right before falling asleep, and how his smaller hand fits so perfectly in Juyeon's bigger one.

"This isn't your stop." Hyunjae doesn't look back when he speaks, he just keeps walking towards the stairs inside the station.

He is right, this isn't Juyeon's stop, but it is one he has been at endless times before. Drunk and staggering up the staircase, with only one thing in mind. Hyunjae.

Hyunjae, Hyunjae, Hyunjae...

Juyeon isn't drunk today, but still, there is only one thing on his mind. The same thing as always. Hyunjae.

"Hyung, can we talk?"

"Why?" Lee Hyunjae has always had so much emotion in his voice. Gentle, even when he had to be serious. But now, there is nothing. It's an unfamiliar empty tone, hollow as it echoes the misery reflected in brown eyes, cutting right into Juyeon's heart, when he follows Hyunjae up the rest of the stairs, and outside.

"Hyunjae." Maybe too courageous, simply too desperate, Juyeon grabs Hyunjae by the sleeve and pulls him backwards. Gently, of course, but Hyunjae's eyes are far from gentle.

"Why?" Hyunjae repeats.

And Juyeon has a million reasons why.

Like the reason, he wants to throw his arms around Hyunjae, hold him close. Never let go. Why he wants to kiss Hyunjae's lips, right there in the middle of the streets. Hold his hand, protect him from every evil in the world. Just like Juyeon should have done, that one night outside the club—and every other night, and every other day. When tears streamed down Hyunjae's cheeks, when his lips quivered and Juyeon was so close to confessing everything.

But Juyeon can't say it, just like he hasn't been able to before. He is a coward. Words clog up inside his throat, maybe he will suffocate on them—he does deserve that, Juyeon tells himself.

"Just... Please, hyung."

Hyunjae looks at him, like he has done so many, many times before. His brown doe eyes are so pretty under the sun, the same way Juyeon has admired ever since they first met.

"Fine," Hyunjae sighs heavily. The ivory shirt shifts in the warm breeze, when he shrugs his shoulders. It isn't Hyunjae's shirt, Juyeon knows that and it makes him feel sick. "I need to take a rest first... Meet me at the BBQ place at 9pm."

Juyeon nods, shaky breaths hurting in his chest.

Hyunjae looks at him, like he doesn't see anything at all. Lips in a thin line, face so emotionless that Juyeon almost can't believe it is actually Hyunjae staring back at him.

And Juyeon is standing there, helplessly wondering if Hyunjae will ever smile again. At Juyeon, the one who broke his smile.

Hours later, late in the evening, Juyeon no longer has to wonder.

Hyunjae's lips melt against his, and they fit as perfectly as they used to. Hyunjae tastes like strawberry Soju, because that is his favorite—and his hair has a scent of his usual floral shampoo, mixed with the smoke from the korean bbq restaurant down the street. Impatient hands tug at the bottom of Juyeon's shirt, leaving daring strokes against his skin underneath.

"Hyung..." Juyeon whimpers into Hyunjae's mouth.

They didn't talk. Heavy silence while they ate, resulting in neither of them having a big appetite for the sizzling meat on the table grill. Juyeon kept flipping the same pieces over and over, while Hyunjae decided to order a bottle of Soju—possibly for courage, or to kill the awkward tension. Either way, one bottle turned into two, anxious fiddling with the label on the bottle, and the clanking of glass every time Hyunjae poured another shot. Four bottles later, and Juyeon was dragged back to Hyunjae's place.

"Touch me," Hyunjae whispers. His fingers entwine with Juyeon's, looking so small in comparison. A firm grip, desperate almost, he leads Juyeon's hands to his waist. "Please."

Together they stumble through the apartment, like so many times before. Hyunjae is so breathtaking when he lies on the bed, all sparkling eyes and glossy lips, looking at Juyeon who crawls on top of him. Juyeon smiles, takes in everything that is Hyunjae under him again, like a dream he thought he had lost.

Juyeon's shirt falls to the floor first, Hyunjae's follow a few minutes later. Juyeon closes his eyes, lets his hand wander down soft skin, and catches every fast beat of Hyunjae's heart, while kissing his neck. And Juyeon keeps his eyes closed, he has to. But it isn't enough... With every kiss he feels more and more sick. Younghoon has kissed the same places, touched, taken.

Hyunjae used to feel like silk in Juyeon's hands. Soft, elegant, sliding effortlessly between his fingers. But now, he doesn't.

Their next kiss turns rough, bumpy. Everything is like a sharp edge, it hurts. Juyeon's hands tremble, can't find a place to rest. Hyunjae's fingers stroke his skin, but he leaves a trail of fire wherever he touches.

"Juyeon... Take me."

Shit. Juyeon is drowning. Deep in the ocean he thought he had forgotten, he is far from the shore, too close to the bottom. No air to breathe in—his lungs crumble when his heart sinks with him. Hyunjae's hands are soft, they always are, teasing at the waist of Juyeon's pants. Their lips meet again, Hyunjae moans into the kiss, and Juyeon swallows it like he used to. His pants feel too tight, like a cage closing around him. He can't help it, he grinds slowly against Hyunjae. Hyunjae who is burning hot under him, panting into his mouth, hands dangerously close to the hardening ache between Juyeon's legs.

It is all sweet moans and impatient touches, but Juyeon feels a sharp pain in his chest. He squeezes his eyes shut even harder, but it doesn't help. Hyunjae's kisses are soft, wet, all over Juyeon's lips, neck and chest. It feels so good, but Juyeon could easily break down and cry. In the darkness behind his closed eyes, he sees it. The visions of Younghoon with Hyunjae. Younghoon kissing him like Juyeon kisses him now. Touches him. Undresses him. How their warm skin is pressed against each other. How-

Juyeon has to pull away, even if it hurts. His body wants it, so bad, it is aching for it. But his mind isn't there. Even in the haze of one too many shots of strawberry Soju, Juyeon knows this isn't right. In fact, there are so many wrongs, he can't even count them.

"Hyunjae..." It hurts to speak, his voice comes out, weak and raspy. Hyunjae's fingers are tangled into Juyeon's hair, and he looks up with his adoring eyes. "Hyunjae... I-I can't..."

They're both drunk, both hurt.

They shouldn't do this.

Not now.

He sees the look in Hyunjae's eyes, hears the tone in his voice. He is desperate, and Juyeon is too. Like they both know this will be their last chance. The dream is slipping away, sand through their fingers and shadows cover their eyes with darkness until they see nothing. Not even each other.

"What?" Hyunjae's lips barely move.

"We shouldn't do this..." Juyeon wants to comfort Hyunjae, show him he doesn't mean it in any bad way. But he moves too slow. As always.

Hyunjae pushes him away, the gesture hurts more than the actual push. Juyeon's body bounces against the mattress, and within seconds Hyunjae has put his shirt back on. His shoulders tremble, and his voice breaks when he leaves the bed. "Just when I thought I couldn't hate myself any more...."

"Hyunjae... I-I didn't mean it like-" Juyeon reaches out, misses Hyunjae's hand by a millimeter. Like he can feel the warmth of Hyunjae's skin hanging in the air.

Maybe it is exactly like they have always been. Only almost there—never at the same time.

"Don't even try, Juyeon. I know exactly why!"

Without even looking, Hyunjae picks Juyeon's shirt up from the floor and tosses it at him. Juyeon catches it, squeezes the fabric in his hands. He is dizzy, confused, uncertain on what to do or say.

"What are you talking about?" Juyeon really shouldn't have said that.

"Because I slept with Younghoon. Today even, wow, two guys in one day. You think I'm disgusting," Hyunjae snorts, but Juyeon sees the way his eyes turn glassy. How his hands tremble, and how his chest rises and falls with shaky breaths.

"Hyung... It's nothing like that."

And even if it is, even if the part about Younghoon is tearing Juyeon apart—it still feels all kinds of wrong to see Hyunjae fall apart like this. To read the expression on his face—to know what he thinks of himself at this moment. Hyunjae, who has been Juyeon's role model for so many years, Hyunjae, who is kind to everyone. Hyunjae, who has cried too many times already, because of Juyeon.

Juyeon rises from the bed and he pulls Hyunjae into his arms, ignoring the small half-hearted pushes against his chest when it happens.

"If it isn't... Then..." Hyunjae is whispering against Juyeon's chest, sobbing between his words. "All this time, I tried to tell myself the problem wasn't me... T-That you did care about me. Maybe you just weren't comfortable with... Being with a guy. Not me, specifically. Even Jacob said that-"

"Jacob knows?" Juyeon pinches his eyes shut, the moment he says those words out loud. Just shut up, he thinks to himself, but it is too late.

"Of course Jacob knows, he's gay, he doesn't care!" Hyunjae is glaring at Juyeon, this time pushing harder against his chest. Pushing him away. "I thought you were just scared, that you needed time. If I just waited a little longer then... But you went on a date with someone else. Some other guy... At least now I know, I was the problem all along.""

Hyunjae looks at Juyeon, like many times before. But this time feels like the last. The words are right there at the very tip of his tongue, the truth, the explanation to the mess they are standing right in the middle of. Juyeon's throat curl up, mouth dry and breath gets stuck. He can't tell Hyunjae. Not yet. No matter how much he wants to, no matter how much it hurts. And it really, really fucking hurts.

A small hand gesture towards the door, Juyeon understands right away. Hyunjae is angry, hurt beyond words, and Juyeon can't make it right. For now, he can only show Hyunjae the last bit of respect by leaving on his demand. Every step is dragged out, heart breaking again. The doorknob feels cold and so heavy, Juyeon closes his eyes when he pushes the door open. The creaking of the door is like an eerie sound, warning Juyeon that this will be his last time in this apartment.

Many years have passed by, since Juyeon fell in love with Hyunjae, but if Hyunjae ever felt the same has remained uncertain. He has been curious, fearless but gentle—and he has always been there. There have been times Juyeon thought about it, plenty, when Hyunjae's brown eyes turned glassy and his smile faded as moonlight washed over their skin. Maybe Juyeon has always known but never truly accepted it.

Juyeon turns, nearly tripping over his own feet, Hyunjae is on the other side of the doorstep, his hand around the handle—about to close it.

And suddenly Juyeon knows. He really, truly knows...

But now he wishes he didn't...

"I was a fool for ever loving you, Lee Juyeon."

Rain drums against Juyeon's umbrella. The sky is gray, dark even though it is barely even three o'clock in the afternoon. Juyeon kicks a small pebble on the wet ground. Stares at it, like he actually cares.

Three days have passed by since Hyunjae slammed the door in his face, since he confessed his love for Juyeon—only to take it away again. Juyeon never deserved it anyway. At night he sees Hyunjae, hears his voice, drowns in his brown eyes and all the hurt that pours like the rain from the gray sky.

"You look like shit."

Juyeon looks up, angles the umbrella so he can peek out. He knows it's Chanhee, of course, they always meet in this certain spot. Transparent umbrella with small strawberries on it, Chanhee looks back at him with a wry smile.

"I feel even worse. Chanhee, I'm not sure I can go through with this today."

"You have to. We made a promise to do it together."

"I'm just... Not really in the mood."

"When are you ever? It's the purpose of this, to make you feel better."

Chanhee is right, Juyeon knows that, but it doesn't make things easier at all. But he follows Chanhee the last distance down the street, and takes his usual extra deep breath, before entering the tall white building.

Juyeon feels the shivers down his back, it's the same every time. He will probably never get used to this, no matter what Chanhee says. His clammy hands grab around the rough fabric, and he is trembling, feeling uncomfortable in his own body.

Every single time.

"Juyeon, do you want to start today?"

A lump in his throat, Juyeon tries to swallow. His hair is sticking to his forehead, a mix of nervousness and the humidity from outside in the rain. His leg is bouncing, he stares at it. The grip around the seat under him tightens.

He has to be brave, even when he isn't. For Chanhee. It's the least he can do. But he hates it, it doesn't matter how many times they do this. All the attention on him, it makes his skin crawl.

They all look at him. Faces that are familiar, but still strangers. Just like Chanhee should have been, but it is too late for that now.

Juyeon nods. "Okay, yeah of course, Doctor Park."