Nine days.

Like in a movie; the colors of the world fade with every step, every breath drags away the light and all that is left is the monochrome reality. Possibilities and dreams become obstacles—there is a numbing darkness taking over, a darkness that dulls the bright neon signs and large billboards lighting up Seoul even at night. In this gray world Hyunjae exists as an opposite version of himself—a version he hates. One that makes him sick, makes him want to scream.

Nine days...

Nine days since he last looked into cat-like eyes and sharp edges he should never even have dared to touch.

Nine days, since a velvety voice made his heart flutter in his chest, and every color of the world was right in front of him. Dancing against his skin like the vivid dreams Juyeon's touch left on him.

Nine days since his heart was broken into a million pieces.

Nine days since he lost not only his first love, but also his best friend.

At night Hyunjae tosses and turns, desperately trying to find rest in the bed he has spent one too many nights with Juyeon. Even now, it is like he is still there, Juyeon, without even being close at all. As if Hyunjae could simply reach out and his fingers would dance along prominent collarbones and down warm skin. As if he could easily catch a calming heartbeat to match his own, and let big hands curl around his wrists pressed against white cotton. Lips down his neck, kissing, tasting—leaving trails of longing blossoming into fiery lust burning against his skin.

Was it really all just a dream? Was everything nothing but a simple lie? All the times Juyeon held him close, all the times their lips met under the moonlight. When Juyeon pulled him closer, let Hyunjae rest against his warm chest. The sweet words and the shy grin, while a curious hand stroked down Hyunjae's thigh...

Should it all have been a dream—nothing but a lie, Hyunjae would gladly return to the state of oblivion and bliss, even if it wasn't true. Because then, Juyeon will kiss him again, like so, so many times before—let Hyunjae dive into sharp, brown eyes and happily drown inside the dreams of all the things they could be together. And it will be beautiful and it will be grand, in the only way that Hyunjae has ever known. The only thing he has ever wanted.

Beautiful, but fragile. Hyunjae has always known that. Like the hope kept alive inside of him with every glance, every gentle touch Juyeon let him have. Even before their first kiss, before Hyunjae let the hope grow into something he shouldn't have, something dangerous. Something that now tears him apart.

Now there is only pain when Juyeon's smile shows up in Hyunjae's memories. Only tears, as he recalls the way their lips fit so perfectly against each other. The way Juyeon would whisper his name through a breathy moan and moonlight washed over their naked skin.

Maybe Hyunjae had wanted it too much—wanted Juyeon to want him too. To love Hyunjae, the same way Hyunjae loved him.

And still loves him. Despite it all.

Flushed cheeks drag along the pillowcase, leaving wet marks behind. In the dark of the night, there is no one to see the tears streaming down Hyunjae's face. No one to hear his choked cries and struggling sniffles.

There is no one.

Nine days without Juyeon feels like a lifetime. It is the longest they have gone without speaking with each other, after all. Even during the busiest times of their lives, they would always text or call each other. Even when Hyunjae was drowning in finals, and Juyeon was stressed out from work. When Juyeon started going out every weekend with Younghoon, even then, they always found time for each other in one way or another.

For almost ten years Juyeon has been there—been Hyunjae's entire world. And without him Hyunjae feels lost.

Another scream drowned in his pillow, Hyunjae sobs violently; body shaking and chest hurting as he curls up in bed. He regrets it all—all the times he let Juyeon stumble through the door late at night, drunk and babbling nonsense. And he feels stupid for ever believing he was special enough for Juyeon to think of him when drunk.

Maybe Juyeon was right? Hyunjae hugs the pillow tighter as the horrible thought storms through his head once more. Maybe he did something so disgusting, so wrong—something he doesn't know how to apologize for, no matter how much he wants to.

There is a half-finished text message sitting in his drafts, but his fingers freeze whenever he slides his phone open. What can he say anyway? Juyeon has been painfully quiet as well. No call, no message, nothing.

And Hyunjae knows why...

The thought keeps slipping in and out of his mind. Every time he tries to block it off, it comes back. It makes his skin crawl, makes him feel nauseated. Nails dig into his arms, red marks dragged down the pale skin. Hyunjae cries and cries, disgust filling his mouth with a vile taste he can't get rid of. He did do that, the thing Juyeon insinuated. He took advantage of Juyeon when he was drunk, he took advantage of his best friend.

He ruined it all.

Everything they ever had, and everything they never were.

And all the things they never will be.

"You're so beautiful, hyung" A kiss is placed between Hyunjae's shoulder blades, as long arms pull him even closer. Back pressed against Juyeon's chest, Hyunjae yawns quietly.

Soft lips stroke against Hyunjae's shoulder, up his neck, until a warm breath tickles behind his ear. Juyeon smells like the usual mix of Dior Sauvage and gin stirred with vermouth. A late night call, and twenty minutes later he was snuggling up in Hyunjae's bed. 

"You're drunk," Hyunjae mumbles, but his heart does skip a beat at Juyeon's words, and he is defenseless against the temptation pressing against him. 

Big, and hard.  

"Not that drunk," Juyeon replies, in a lower voice. "I'm serious."

There is a surprised gasp caught behind Hyunjae's teeth, when everything suddenly spins around him — only for him to realize that he is the only one doing the spinning. Now on his back, staring up at Juyeon hovering above him, holding him down by the wrists. 

Dark locks fall over midnight eyes, catching glimpses of fairy lights hanging at the window by the bed. Small stars in the infinite sky. Fingers slowly intertwine and Hyunjae's heart is about to burst. Under Juyeon's weight he still feels weightless. 

"I will make you mine, hyung," Juyeon then whispers. "One day, you will be mine. I swear to God." 

Hyunjae stares at him, stares until his eyes feel dry — afraid that if he blinks, he will find the moment to be nothing but another one of his silly dreams. For years he has loved Juyeon, wished and hoped for him to say those words. 

But not like this. Not when he is drunk.

"Tell me again when you're sober, and I'll believe you." Hyunjae inhales sharply when the words have left his lips, but he knows it is for the better.

"Fine. I will."

But Juyeon never did.

Humid weather, sun blinding his eyes, clothes sticking to his skin and clammy hands holding onto an iced Americano. Hyunjae's nose scrunches up, as the list of all the things he hates is ticked off one by one—it's everything, but the iced Americano.

"Hyunjae! Are you even listening to me?" A hand that looks gentle gives Hyunjae's arm a pinch that is anything but gentle.

He was, in fact, not listening at all, and for that he can't complain too hard about the sudden pain in his upper arm. Confused, as he falls out of the maze of his own thoughts, he turns to look at the face scowling back at him.

"Something, something, Sunwoo, something?" Hyunjae attempts, only to get another pinch in the same exact spot. Yelping, he jumps aside. "Ah, Seoyeon! That really hurts,!"

"Then listen to me when I'm talking! I'm having a huge crisis here, and you're not even paying attention!"

"Sorry, Yeonie," Hyunjae playfully pouts, as he ruffles Seoyeon's light-brown hair. "What did you say before? I promise to listen now."

A laugh tickles in Hyunjae's throat—the first one he's felt in days. Even with the glare, it's hard to take Seoyeon serious, when she looks like nothing but a dissatisfied Toy Poodle. Simply too cute.

"Whatever," she scoffs, flipping her brown curls behind her shoulder. "If this flops, I'm blaming you!"

"How? Why? I helped you pick out his birthday present and everything!"

There is no arguing with Seoyeon, Hyunjae is aware of that, and as the two friends continue down the street, Seoyeon wastes no time ranting about the idea of throwing her boyfriend a surprise party. A surprise party she did come up with herself.

Lee Seoyeon, a hopeless romantic at heart, obsessed with the unrealistic idea of love made from K-dramas, has dated her first and only boyfriend Kim Sunwoo for almost two years. And everything must be perfect, all of the time, or Seoyeon's tiny body might explode.

Doing his best to keep up through the crowded streets, Hyunjae does find a moment to appreciate dragging himself out today. It's nice to let his mind focus on something else.

But the moment is brief and the bliss is fleeting, and Hyunjae suddenly regrets everything.

"Oh! Isn't that Juyeon?" Seoyeon's eyes widen up, while Hyunjae's shut close, almost as is he in physical pain. And he kind of is. No. He really is.

Why, oh why, did he have to bring Juyeon to Seoyeon's birthday party last year? Or to the picnic with his friends from uni, Seoyeon included. Why did he ever have to introduce them to each other? The possibility of passing each other by without any awkward interaction, is crumbling before his eyes.

And it is Juyeon, of course it is, and for a moment—a split second—Hyunjae sees the world in colors again. Walking down the street as if it was a catwalk to him, Lee Juyeon in his ripped, acid washed jeans and a simple white tee. There is no other description than absolutely, goddamn boyfriend-material-like and Hyunjae feels sick at the thought. Dark hair stroked by the wind is pushed back by hands Hyunjae knows all too well.

It is no surprise however, that the person next to him is Younghoon. Who else would it be? In his all white outfit, flowy shirt tucked into linen pants, and a thin silk scarf tied around his neck. Black writing embroidered into the silk, Christian Dior. Of course.

"Hyunjae! Hey!" Younghoon lights up in a wide smile, arm reached above his head—waving from side to side to catch Hyunjae's attention. The unexpected excitement makes Hyunjae raise a brow.

"Hey..."

Face to face, the corner of Younghoon's lip pulls upwards in a smirk, and his dark eyes slowly scan Hyunjae now standing in front of him. Confused, Hyunjae stares back at him. Younghoon has never greeted him when they've passed each other by before, even when Juyeon would pull him over to say hi, his face made it very obvious he didn't want to. Like a grumpy child.

"And who do we have here?" Younghoon is definitely too friendly today, Hyunjae can't help but to feel suspicious of the sudden change in his behavior. "Is this your date?"

"I'm Lee Seoyeon. And we're not dating!"

"My apologies then. It's nice to meet you, Lee Seoyeon. I'm Kim Younghoon. What are you guys up to?"

A glare is shot towards Younghoon. Hyunjae frowns. Kim Younghoon is rarely this pleasant to be around, let alone having any interest in Hyunjae, or whathe is up to. Hyunjae does, however, let Seoyeon and Younghoon talk for a while, hoping neither will notice the dead silence between him and Juyeon.

Hyunjae feels his stomach twist into a tight knot, and he blankly stares at the to-go cup in his hand, where droplets from condensation trickle down—like the sweat at the back of his neck. Underneath the beaming sun, Hyunjae is slowly burning up, and when he makes the mistake of looking up, his eyes lock with Juyeon's—and Hyunjae is truly set on fire.

Dark eyes cut into his, sharp and without a warning. They look at him as if they see all of him, but at the same time nothing at all. Eyes he used to know, used to be able to read, are now staring at him as if they were strangers. A lump forms in his throat, but Hyunjae is too scared to swallow it. He lets it stay, lets the air become thinner every time he inhales.

"I want to throw him a surprise party, like a really great one! I just need to find the right location, and it's been such a hassle."

Air finally finds its way back to Hyunjae's lungs. Juyeon's gaze withdraws, focusing on the conversation between the two others.

"Actually," Younghoon says, a cheeky grin added. "One of my very good friends is the owner of KLOUD. Say, why don't I give him a call, and have him book the entire bar for you? The view is spectacular."

The view probably is nothing but spectacular, and the offer is grand, too grand. Hyunjae frowns again, secretly glaring at Younghoon. Something rotten is hidden behind that perfect outer. Behind a charming smile and eyes of temptation, is something very wicked.

"KLOUD? The rooftop bar? T-that sounds amazing, but so expensive though, I-I don't think that I-" Waving her hands in front of her, Seoyeon is looking at Younghoon with wide eyes.

"Please, don't worry about it," and Younghoon smirks, eyes suddenly directly at Hyunjae. "We are all friends here, right?"

"Oh my God, are you serious? I mean, that would be... So perfect, but I-... At least, tell me you guys will come to the party then? I mean, Juyeon, you've met Sunwoo before."

It's like night and day. The shadows over Juyeon's sharp facial features and the way his eyes narrow down, next to Younghoon's bright smile and eyes filled with excitement. A simple nod, and what seems to be a forced smile, Juyeon responds to the invitation.

"Hyung. We should go. We're late." It is the first thing Juyeon has said, the first words coming from his lips, Hyunjae has heard for nine days. Somehow his voice seems deeper, like a bottomless ocean.

Dangerous waters with no shore.

One last glance is sent to set him ablaze, so quick Hyunjae could have missed it, and Juyeon yanks Younghoon's arm. "Hyung," he repeats, and it is the first time Hyunjae wishes that certain word was meant for him.

"Call me, we'll discuss further then! Hyunjae, give her my number, okay?" Younghoon waves as he is pulled away by Juyeon, and Hyunjae can't even interfere, saying how he doesn't have Younghoon's number.

All he can do is stare. Around the corner, Juyeon is gone. Numb at every limb, a stinging pain spreads, while Hyunjae is frozen in his spot.

Hyunjae

Hey.

Juyeon

typing...

typing...

Hey

Hyunjae

typing...

I'm sorry. I miss you |

I'm s | I miss you

I miss you |

I miss |

I |

Seoyeon's Kakao ID is Pandayeonie_00
Please send it to Younghoon

Juyeon

typing...

typing...

typing...

Ok. Thanks.