chapter thirty-nine, ???

a/n : this chapter is based on the Station 19 Season 2 Episode 13 'The Dark Night'

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Two Months Since Amaya Died...

"She won't come out."

Buck pulls his brows together, confused. But he was still alert. He quickly walks into the apartment, following Elijah.

"What happened?"

"I heard a crash in the bathroom and when I knocked...she never answered."

Buck's heart drops. Elijah rubs his mouth, "She told me that's how she found Helena. In the bathroom and I...I can't stop thinking about it. She won't open the..." his voice begins to shake and Buck raises his brows. Then his chest tightens with sympathy. These two have lost so much. Buck then thinks. There's no way Emery would put her father through this...

"I'm sure she's okay." Buck gives him a small smile. He looks back at the door. Please be okay.

Buck's hand begins to shake. He rubs his palms against his jeans then lightly knocks on the door. "Emerson, it's me, Buck. Your dad called. Said he was worried about you."

The door didn't open until a few minutes. Elijah lets out a breath of relief. Buck looks at Elijah, "Do you want to go inside?"

Elijah swallows, "There's a reason she opened the door for you and not me." He takes a step back. "I'll let you two have a minute alone. I just wanted to know she was alive." Elijah had tears in his eyes but he walks away. Buck inhales a small breath before he steps into the bathroom and closes the door. He looks up and his heart stops.

"Emery—"

"I'm sorry...I really didn't want him to...call anyone."

The entire bathroom had been destroyed. The plaster and tiles were on the ground. The sledgehammer was covered in dust. The state of the bathroom would've been the worst thing, if Emery wasn't in there. Emery had white plaster dust across her clothes and hair. She was sitting in the bathtub with a half drunken bottle of whiskey in the bathtub with her.

Buck steps closer to her, his shoes crunching against the broken tile. As Buck got closer, he looked in the bathroom and his jaw went slack when she saw the blood across Emery's knuckles. "Shit..."

"Yeah, I...got carried away." Emery snorts. She motions to the wall in front of her.

Buck looks at the wall and sees the blood and dents. He always knew Emery was strong, but that was just ridiculous. Buck sits on his knees. "Okay, you need to give me your workout regimen. Because holy shit, Emery."

Emery forces out a giggle and Buck manages a chuckle, even though he was worried. He grabs the first aid kit and begins to clean Emery's wounds.

Emery continues to laugh with her eyes glued to the wall. Then her laughter suddenly becomes cries. A lump forms in Buck's throat.

"I'm so fucking embarrassed." Emery whimpers, covering her eyes with a hand.

"You don't have to be." Buck shakes his head. "This is what friends are for. Picking each other up when we're down."

Emery slowly nods her head. "You seem to always be there for me." She looks at Buck's face and watches his face become firm with determination, cleaning her wounds.

"Well, I...care about you, Emi." Buck shrugs, his face becoming hot.

Emery snorts. "Right..."

Silence settles between them. Emery knew that Buck was going to ask her. She tried to come up with so many different scenarios and lies. But it became exhausting having to keep up with them. Especially when it came to lying to Buck. She didn't want to lie to him. It never came easy.

Buck then pulls his brows together. "You want to tell me what's going on?"

"This...isn't about Amaya being dead or my dad's cancer." Emery covers her face. "This isn't even about my mom leaving us..."

Buck pulls his brows together. Emery had opened up about her father's cancer and her mother's departure with Buck when they would for on their walks. But the next confession, he had no idea it was approaching.

"I'm bipolar." Emery exhales, her eyes closing. "I haven't told anyone, but my family."

"And I told Amaya that I was off my meds. But she's gone now, so..." she looks at Buck with tears in her eyes. "You're the one I'm leaning on. Sorry."

Buck softly chuckles, "Emerson..." he begins to wrap up her knuckles. "What do you think you've been doing for the past two months?"

Emery continues to look at Buck's face.

"I mean, I know you hate the walks. But they help, right?" Buck chuckles. Emery opens her mouth, but Buck speaks again. "You know what? Don't answer that."

Emery and Buck softly laugh. Buck looks at Emery, "I'll always be here for you, you know that?" He raises a hand and gently cups her face. Emery closes her eyes from the warmth of Buck's hand. A tear runs down her face and Buck wipes it with his thumb.

Emery's mind begins to defog and she raises her brows. "Oh, god. Is my dad okay? I scared him, didn't I?"

Buck touches her arms. "He's okay. He's just waiting for you to come out of this bathroom."

Emery lets out a choked sob. Buck quickly reacts, and he pulls Emery into a warm embrace. She tucks her head into the crook of his neck and sobs. "Hey, it's okay. Let it out. I'm right here."

Emery cries harder than before, her walls shattering. Buck kept his warm embrace around Emery's shaking figure for 20 minutes before she fell silent and her body stopped trembling.

Emery and Buck made their way out of the bathroom. As soon as Emery stepped out, her father pulled her into a tight hug. Emery tensed before hugging him back.

The three had sat down at the kitchen table, silently drinking coffee. Emery wasn't going to be the first person to talk. So, she just kept her eyes on her coffee cup.

"Are you...sure you don't need more time before going back to work?" Her father speaks.

Emery bites the inside of her cheek and shakes her head. "No, I need to go back." She shrugs. "It'll help me take my mind off some things."

"They'll understand if you need more time." Elijah gently urges. "Have you thought about seeing someone?"

Emery tilts her head, "Seeing someone? Like..." She trails off her question and she glances at Buck. A small breath leaves her lips. "I don't need to see anyone." She bunches her shoulders.

Elijah's eyes flit to her bandaged knuckles. Emery shifts her eyes to her father and watches as his worry for her grows.

"Dad..."

Elijah looks into Emery's eyes. She lets go of her coffee cup and holds his hand. "I'm really sorry that I scared you."

Emery then looks at Buck. "Both of you."

Buck gives her a small and gentle smile. Elijah looks between the two firefighters, a smile on his lips. Buck feels eyes on him, he looks over and sees Emery's father staring at him. His back straightens, "I should...get going." He glances at Emery. "You've got a big day ahead of you tomorrow."

Emery inhales a small breath, her nerves rising. "Yeah." One end of her mouth twitches. "I'll walk you out." She gives her father a small smile before walking with Buck out of the apartment.

Emery stuffed her hands into her sweatpants pockets. "Can I ask you for something?" She sucks in a sharp breath. "And I know it's...not fair, but—"

"I won't tell anyone about what happened, Emi." Buck completes her thought. Emery inhales a breath, "I'm sorry for asking."

"And you don't have to apologize," Buck says. "I wouldn't have told anyone anyway."

Emery and Buck get into the elevator and she looks at the ground, her face getting hot. "I know I don't say it a lot, but..." she gnaws on her lower lip, staying silent for a moment. Buck looks at Emery, noticing her nervousness.

"...I appreciate you."

Buck's jaw goes slack and his heart jumps into his throat. And as soon as Emery's timid eyes met his, he saw the deep and genuine gratitude she had for him. There have only been a few people in his life who looked at him like that. His sister, the team, and now Emery. And for some reason, Emery looking at him like that meant so much more than anyone else.

He swallows the lump in his throat. The elevator doors opened, causing both of them to jump. Buck looks back at Emery and motions his head towards the door, encouraging her to go first.

Emery presses her lips into a small smile before walking out of the elevator with Buck behind her. The entire time they walked to his car, there was a comforting silence around them.

"You know I appreciate you too, right?"

Emery stops at Buck's car and turns to him. Buck stuffs his hands into his pockets. "You have no idea how much I fucking appreciate the things you have done for me, Emi."

Emery rolls her lips into her mouth, containing her smile. Blood rushes through her ears. She wraps her arms around Buck's neck like she couldn't be without him another second. Her ear brushes against the side of his face, causing his heartbeat to accelerate. "Text me when you get home, all right?" She softly speaks, her entire body relaxing from the way he wrapped his arms around her.

He pulls her closer to him. "How 'bout I call you instead?"

Emery pulls her face back, their noses slightly brushing. She watches as pink dust crosses Buck's face and she softly smiles before speaking.

"I'd like that."

☆

Emery's first shift back started at night. She didn't mind coming to work, so late; she preferred nights. So, when she finally gained the courage to walk into the station; there was no one downstairs. They most likely were all eating. Emery takes a moment to look around the station. There were some slight differences. Some shelves were in different places. The laundry basket was empty, and that caused a small smile to form on her lips knowing they still kept up with the chores. Laughter could be heard upstairs and Emery shifts her eyes to the railing. Emery tightens her grip around the strap of her duffel.

She just wanted tonight to be normal. Emery wanted to work with no questions asked. Sadly, she knew that everyone would have questions for her. Because they cared about her. Emery couldn't be mad at that.

Emery makes her way up the stairs, her heart pounding against her chest. Her fingers were tapping aimlessly against her bag. She begins to count in her head. Emery makes it to the top of the steps and she looks at each member of her team. It's been so long since she's seen everyone in their uniforms. It's even been so long since she's been in her own uniform.

The first person to notice her was Eddie. He had stopped laughing, but he still had a smile on his face. "Holy shit!"

The team turns to Eddie, they then follow his gaze and see the girl standing there awkwardly. Emery was in her steamed uniform with her duffel still slung over her shoulder. Her lips were pressed into a firm line. "Uh...hi." she waves her hand. "What's up?"

Silence settles into the kitchen. No one knew what to really say. What could they say to her?

"What's up?" Hen lets out a laugh. She stands up and walks over to Emery. Hen wraps her arms around Emery and Emery quietly grunts from the force of the hug. "Did you seriously just ask that?" she pulls away from the hug and cups Emery's face. Hen presses her lips into a smile and she looks across Emery's face, looking for an ounce of pain.

Emery presses her lips into a smile, "I'm okay, Hen."

Hen lets out a grateful breath and pulls Emery into another hug. Emery hugs Hen back. She looks up and sees everyone else looking at the two women. They were all practically jumping in their seats, trying their best not to overwhelm her. Emery rolls her eyes playfully, "All right, get over here."

Everyone shoots out of their seats and runs over to the women. They wrap their arms around them. Emery chuckles, grateful for them being there for her.

"It's good to have you back, Emery," Eddie says.

Emery smiles, "It's good to be back."

The lights begin to flicker, causing everyone to look up. "Looks like the blackout's reached us."

Bobby looks at Emery, "You hungry? I made lasagna."

Emery raises her brows, "I could eat."

...

The station got a call about their being a minor in distress at an apartment complex. As soon as they got there, they noticed that the entire block was out of power.

The engine came to a stop and the team made their way over to the complex.

"What do we got?" Bobby asks, walking over to his wife and her rookie.

"We've got a missing 6-year-old child, name's Penelope Hayes. Goes by Penny." Athena informs them. She looks over at Emery and she smiles.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't, Captain Sharpe." Athena walks over to Emery. She wraps her arms around Emery. The girl softly chuckles and hugs Athena back. "I kind of forgot that I'm Co-Captain."

"You forgot?" Wren walks over to them. Emery pulls away from Athena and hugs Wren. "Yup. Kind of busy bettering myself mentally."

Wren frowns, "Oh, right. That slipped my mind." The sarcasm heavy in her voice.

"Oh, did you now?" Emery looks at Wren, separating from the hug. "Okay, how long has Penny been missing?"

Wren let's out a small breath. "Approximately two hours already. She's at high risk for potential medical assistance."

The teenage boy that was standing beside Athena speaks. "She has really bad asthma."

"This is her brother, Xander, he called it in." Wren says.

"Yeah, after I lost her." Xander's eyes fill with tears once again. "We were playing hide and seek. And then the power went out. That's when I called you guys."

"Do you already have PD units looking?" Emery looks at Athena and Wren.

"Yes, but we got a lot of ground to cover."

"Our parents finally let me babysit and she doesn't have her inhaler, and when she gets scared, she starts to not breathe." Xander continues to nervously ramble. "She's all alone in the dark somewhere. And she's probably so scared."

"Do you guys play this game a lot?" Hen asks. "Does Penny have any favorite hiding spots?"

"Sure, yeah, the basement, Ms. Kennedy's apartment cause it always smells like cookies..."

Tom nods, "Okay, so—"

"Yeah, the parking garage, too. The stairs, mailboxes, laundry room, and over by the storage area." Xander continues to list.

The firefighters all shift, their worries growing.

"Great...so the entire building." Chimney nods his head.

Emery looks at the teenage boy. "Xander."

He looks at the woman and she gives him a comforting smile. "Thank you. And we will find your sister."

Xander nods his head, "Thank you."

An officer then guides Xander away from the group.

"All right, 118!" Bobby pronounces. "Penny is susceptible to severe asthma attacks and in danger every minute she's alone without her medication."

"The clock is already ticking," Emery adds, everyone's eyes land on her. "We've got a building with five floors plus a basement, over 150 people living inside. We got to split up to cover as much ground as possible."

"Fletcher and Diaz, you'll take the top floors with me," Emery speaks. "Chim and Bobby, you'll take the middle levels."

"Athena, Hen, and Wren..." she looks at the women. "Uh, sorry, you're—"

"Totally fine with taking orders from you." Athena nods. Emery raises her brows.

"It's nice to see you get back in the game." Hen smiles.

Wren dramatically shivers, "It makes me feel all tingly inside."

Emery chuckles, she looks at the ground. "All right, "you guys take the lower floors and the basement."

"Copy that, Captain."

☆

Emery and Eddie had gone down one part of the hall. They were both knocking on doors, asking civilians if they had seen Penny; but they weren't getting any answers. Emery looks away from the last door on her side and she looks at Eddie. "Anything?"

Eddie looks at Emery and shakes his head. She lets out a breath, "All right. Let's meet back up with Tom, and see if he's got anything." She starts walking back down the hall and Eddie quickly catches up to her.

"Roger that, Captain."

Emery presses her lips together and looks at Eddie. "You do know that you don't have to say, "Roger that"?" She snorts. "We're not talking over the radios."

"I know, but I also know that you like being called Captain." Eddie looks at her.

Emery smiles softly, "Everyone likes being called Captain."

"Some more than others."

Her smile grows.

"It's good to see you back here, Emery," Eddie says.

Emery chuckles, "It's good to be back."

"Kind of like riding a bike?"

Emery shrugs, "Haven't really gotten back on the bike." She looks at him. "Can't really ride a bike if I haven't had a chance to ride it."

"Okay, but you give orders like you haven't skipped a beat," Eddie replies.

Emery nods her head, "I have to admit, that part? That feels like riding a bike."

They both share a laugh before their radios click.

"Fletcher to 118."

Emery grabs her radio and speaks into it. "Copy Fletcher. Did you find Penny?"

"Uh, no. But I do need some help,"

Emery and Eddie share a look.

"Apartment 515. I need a jump bag, a Lifepak, and a portable generator STAT."

"Copy, on our way."

They quickly made their way over to the apartment complex that Tom was in. As soon as the two entered the room, Fletcher spoke.

"Stage four, terminal lung cancer! He's been down at least 20."

Emery pulls her helmet and outer turnout gear off. She turns on the portable light and places it on the nightstand. She walks over to the patient's daughter. Emery gently grabs the AMBU bag from her shaky hands. "I can take that from here." her voice was soft.

The woman looks at Emery and lets go of the bag. Emery quickly puts the bag back over the patient's mouth and begins pumping air into his lungs.

"Okay, let's get the Lifepak hooked up," Emery instructs. "Open fluids, and set up the generator. So, we can get his ventilator up and running."

Eddie grabs the Lifepak and plugs it into the working outlet. "All right. The system should be powering up." he walks back over to the bed. Emery pulls the bag off the patient's mouth. Fletcher stops CPR and looks at the Lifepak. "Look! There's a pulse. It's weak, but it's there."

Eddie gently directs the shaken daughter over to a chair, so he can check her state of health. Emery and Tom begin to put her father on a ventilator and they sit his bed up.

Emery checks the patient's vitals. "His pulse ox is 92." she looks at Fletcher. "How are you feeling about this?"

"If he was without oxygen when the power went out, it depends on how long Mila took to find him...it's hard to say." Tom begins to shake his head. "Could be a number of things."

"Like Bad things. Brain damage things." Emery voiced it as a statement. Tom matches the same look of worry that Emery had on her face.

"Yeah, but, brain damage means he might never regain consciousness."

Emery inhales, "Well, his heart rate isn't improving."

Tom looks back at the daughter that was still talking to Eddie. "Yeah, I'm not feeling good about this, Cap," he whispers befitting flashing his light into the unconscious man's eyes. Tom looks away and quietly curses.

Out of the corner of her eye, Emery sees the patient's finger twitching. She quickly looks over at the unconscious man just in time to see him cough.

"He's back." Emery lets out a breath of relief. She looks at Mila, "He's back."

Mila quickly shoots up from her seat and walks over to her father. "Oh, my god--dad?" she touches his face. "Oh, Dad. It's okay, they got you back."

She softly assures her father. Tom checks Elliot's vitals. "Elliot, your life support system went down, but you have a very smart daughter. She called out to us, and we were able to bring you back."

"Nice, calm breaths," Eddie reassures Elliot.

Elliot takes a few breaths before speaking, "Why the hell didn't you let me die?"

The three firefighters look at Elliot, then look at Mila.

"Dad, you and I both know this is not the way you want to go," Mila states.

Emery pulls her brows together.

"Okay, what was that last one again? Um...a vat of acid?"

"Stranded in space..." Elliot struggles to speak.

Mila nods her head with a frown on her lips. "Well, see, that one seems almost peaceful."

Emery pulls her brows together, she looks at Eddie and they exchange a look of confusion.

"...but the spacesuit is filled with bees."

Eddie puts his stethoscope back on and checks Elliot's vitals. Mila looks at the confused firefighters and she slightly opens her mouth. "Oh. He likes to come up with all the ways he could die that are so much worse than how he's actually dying."

Emery then frowns, "That...actually makes sense." She nods her head. "And, I hate to cut in on your space bees convo, but, Mila, do you know what medications your dad's on?"

Mila turns to her.

"We just don't want to give him anything that could cause a bad reaction."

"Oh, boy. What isn't he on?" Mila stands up. "I'll show you."

☆

"Looks like you've got a kink in your IV line here. I'll just adjust this."

Thomas gently readjusts Elliot's IV line.

"Mila thinks I'm joking..."

Thomas looks back at Elliot.

"...about wanting to die now. I'm not."

Thomas raises his brows from the sudden confession. He glances around--how was he supposed to react to this?

"I make jokes. All the time, about dying. The ridiculous ways, but..."

Thomas shifts nervously, "Have you talked to her about this?"

"You saw her. It'd kill her. Before it killed me." Elliot forces out a chuckle, which causes Tom to softly huff.

"Well, it can be really hard to talk to your kids about stuff, especially when it's something that really matters, you know?" Tom shrugs. "Six months ago, my rig was in a car accident and I was hurt. That...forced me to think about stuff that really mattered."

Elliot raises his brows, needing clarification. Tom chuckles, "Uh, I never thought about who would look after my kid if I were to ever die," he slightly turns his head, his eyes landing on Emerson. A small smile forms on his lips as he watches Emery intently examine the labels on the prescription bottles. She softly touches Mila's arm, reassuring her they would do everything they could for her father. "but now, it's all I can think about."

"Well, I know my good days..." Elliot speaks. He inhales a weak breath. "...are behind me. I hurt...so much. I'm so tired. But how do I tell my child...I'm ready to go?"

Tom's chest tightens and he nervously gnaws on his lower lip. He knows he shouldn't mention it. But how could he not? "If that's how you really feel...have you taken any legal steps? Do you have a DNR?"

"Yes--"

"No." Mila walks over with Eddie and Emery. Tom's jaw goes slack when he notices Emery's stern expression. "Absolutely no. He does not."

Eddie glances at Emery and she looks at him. There were obviously some unspoken feelings the father had about the DNR and he hasn't mentioned it to his daughter. But they couldn't attempt to convince Elliot to get the DNR signed right at this minute, it wasn't their place.

"Mila, do you mind if we talk to you over there?" Emery motions her head to the side. Mila nods her head and she walks over to the other side of the apartment with Tom and Emery.

Once they get to the quiet spot of the apartment, Mila speaks.

"He's never actually told me he wants it." She states. "If anything, he avoids the topic and just starts spouting off some crazy death of the week."

"So, there's no DNR?" Tom asks.

"I mean, kind of." Mila moves her head from side to side.

Tom and Emery look at each other.

"Well, we drew one up--I'm his power of attorney, but he never once asked me to sign it--"

Elliot begins to cough, which causes the three to turn to him and Eddie.

"He's dehydrated. I'm pushing fluids." Eddie pronounces.

They all join Elliot and Eddie once again. Thomas stands beside the man. "Elliot, you do understand that, without a DNR,"

Emery looks at Tom, her brows furrowed.

"we are required to take extraordinary measures to keep you alive? Now, you have set this whole place up to spend your last days in peace, and if we take extraordinary measures, that means intervention, transportation to a hospital, procedures, and machines."

Emery shifts her eyes to Mila, who had tears in her eyes. The Co-Captain couldn't help the sympathy that tightened in her stomach. Because she knew that there was going to be a point in time where she would be experiencing this with her own father. And she couldn't imagine the amount of pain Mila was feeling having someone convince her own father to sign a DNR in front of her face when they're supposed to be helping him.

"So, to be clear, that is what you get without a signed DNR--"

"I'm sorry, could you excuse us, for a moment." It wasn't as a question either. And that's how Eddie and Tom knew Emery was going to lay in on Tom. She brushes past Tom without a word, but he swallows nervously and follows after her. They stand off into the corner and Emery arches a brow. "What are you doing?" she whispers.

Tom opens his mouth, but Emery isn't done.

"I know this is my first day back in a couple of months. But I'm sure the law is still intact that pushing a patient into a DNR is illegal." She quietly seethes.

"I am not pushing." Tom softly replies. "I am simply stating the facts so that he can make a decision for himself."

"We are here to help save his life, not guide decisions about life or death." Emery states. "And to do it in front of his daughter? Who is still legally in charge here."

"Elliot hasn't requested that she sign anything." Emery continues. "So, until Elliot says something to Mila on his own, we will continue to help save his life. Do you hear me?"

"Emerson, you don't know what he really wants, or what he's been trying to tell her--"

"I do not care." Emery's voice was firm, but it was still quiet enough for only Tom to hear her. Tom slams his jaw shut. Emery pinches the bridge of her nose and tries to control her breathing. "I'm sorry that was harsh..." she takes her hand off her face. "But we have to do our jobs."

"Emerson, he's stage four." Tom's voice was sad. "You know his condition's only gonna get worse. The cancer's already taken it's toll..."

Emery's eyes shift back over to Elliot and her throat tightens.

"...he can't even move his limbs."

It hurt too much for Emery to think about. She walks past Tom, but he gently grabs her wrist and she turns back to him.

"And the strain his body's already endured today alone--"

Emery slightly slumps her shoulder, "I know, I...get that." she whispers. "Maybe as an RN the lines were different, but you and I, we do not get an opinion on this. As long as there's no DNR, it is our job to do what we can to prevent death. And that's what we're going to do. Do you understand me?" She doesn't even wait for Tom to reply. Emery pulls her wrist from Tom's hand and walks back over to Elliot.

☆

Bobby's group had discovered a natural gas leak and he had ordered everyone to evacuate the building. Now, Emery had to do her job to help get Elliot and Mila out.

Elliot notices the firefighters packing up everything. "What's...happening?"

Emery closed the vent that was located in the apartment.

"Our Co-Captain just ordered a full-scale evacuation. We're moving you now." Eddie states.

"We know it's not ideal, but none of us can stay. Exposure to a gas leak is harmful for everyone."

Mila slowly nods her head, "Oh. O-Okay. Well, will he be okay with the machines, and--"

"We're gonna have to put your dad on a portable ventilator," Tom explains. Get him on a gurney and down to our ambulance. Then to the nearest hospital. At this point, that's our only choice."

"Okay, um, this is good--this is good." Mila softly chuckles. "Dad, they are gonna help you, okay? The hospital will know what you might need, and I got to get your extra pajamas." she starts to walk away.

"No hospital..." Elliot's voice was quiet.

"We might lose you on the way thought," Tom speaks to Elliot, trying to bring up the conversation again. "Without a DNR, just to be clear, we are gonna have to resuscitate you--"

"Thomas, are you kidding me?" Eddie speaks, still working on packing everything up.

"He has a right to know his situation--"

"His situation is the same as it is for all of us." Eddie voices. "We need to leave."

"Guys, come on." Emery lets out a small breath. "This arguing is not helping. Someone help me move this generator."

Eddie walks over to Emery and helps her pick up the generator.

"No ambulance," Elliot speaks again, his eyes on Tom's.

"Do I need to bring his medications too?" Mila asks.

Emery nods her head, "Yes. Yes, you should."

"I've got the portable ventilator ready, but it's gonna be a trick to get down all those stairs," Eddie says.

"How long ago, did Captain Nash call the evac?"

"Too long." Tom lets out a worried breath. "We should be moving already."

"I'm not going anywhere!"

Silence fills the room and everyone turns their attention to Elliot. Emery slightly opens her mouth and looks at Mila. An explosion is heard on the floor above them and the apartment building begins to shake.

"Okay, we've got to go now." Emery's tone was firm.

As soon as Emery begins to adjust Elliot, he speaks again. "No, stop. Stop!"

"There's no debate anymore, sir." Emery's voice was gentle once again. "There's a fire in the building now, our job is to remove you from the fire. That's what we're doing--"

"Death by scorpions," Elliot speaks. "Arrows. Dragons. Piranhas. Any of those, over this--"

"Eddie, hand me that IV bag." Emery tries her best to continue doing her job as a leader and as a firefighter. But what Tom stated earlier was weighing at her heart and so were Elliot's pleas.

Eddie hands Emery the IV bag. "Yeah. I'm gonna grab the portable suction machine too. We can't afford any mistakes."

"It'll be okay, Dad," Mila reassures her dad. "They're here to help, they're just doing their jobs, and we'll go to the hospital, and we'll just be there, okay?"

Mila touches both sides of her face. "God, what am I forgetting?"

Emery pulls her brows together and looks back at Mila. She watches as Mila softly whispers back to herself, she then scratches her wrist and a wave of nostalgia washes over Emery. She finally realized that Mila reminded her of Amaya. A tightness forms in Emery's throat. Her eyes begin to grow misty. How could a memory of Amaya feel nostalgic? It's only been 2 months since she's been gone...

"You have to talk to her."

Emery looks away from Mila and looks at Tom, who is back to talking to Elliot. "Tell her what you really want."

"You know at this point, I can sign you up for insubordination, right?" Emery's voice was low.

Tom looks at Emery and her eyes soften. "But..." She lets out a small breath. "...if there were was a time, Elliot, it'd be right now." her gentle brown eyes on his shaky ones.

Tom raises his brows, surprised that Emery was now agreeing with him.

"Mila...sweetheart?"

"I know! Socks." Mila exclaims. "I forgot your socks. Your feet are gonna get so cold."

"I want you...to sign the DNR."

Everyone stops in their places, almost like those words froze them in their places. Mila looks at each of the firefighters before walking over to her dad and standing at his bedside. "Dad, I-I didn't hear you right. What?"

"Please. It's time." Elliot forces out. "It's past time."

Emery bites the inside of her cheek and she feels her tears coming back. Was it too early for her to come back?

Mila shakes her head, "You don't--you don't know what you're saying. Okay? You don't mean it. You can't. Today--today is not your day."

Mila's voice begins to shake. "I'm not--I'm not--I'm not ready yet. I'm not--"

"I am."

Emery inhales a shaky breath and looks away from the father and daughter. She walks away from everyone else, taking a moment to herself. She couldn't have people seeing her cry her first day back. Especially as the Captain.

Mila whimpers, "No, I'm not."

"Outside...at night,"

"Dad..."

"in the dark."

"Really, Dad?" Mila softly exhales. "You wanna play this morbid dead-game right now?"

"Underneath the stars. Looking up." Elliot's voice shakes, but there's a small smile on his lips. "Picking out the constellations. With you. Until I can't see them anymore."

Mila begins to cry and so does Elliot. "I'm gonna go down again, and again. And...please. No hospitals. Don't let me die in a hospital."

"I-I'm sorry," Eddie speaks, walking over to the father and daughter. "I know this is the very worst moment, but...we're out of time. We have to go." his eyes shifted to the smoke that was forcing its way through the vents.

"If..." Mila wipes the tears from her eyes, but they keep spilling. "...if I sign the DNR, that means..."

"No extraordinary measures," Tom states.

"So, he doesn't have to go in an ambulance? He doesn't have to go to the hospital?" Mila looks back at her father.

"No. Not if he doesn't want to."

Emery takes her hands off her wet eyes and inhales a breath. She holds it for a moment, slowing her rapid heartbeat.

"Well, what about these generators? What happens when they run out of power?" Mila asks. "He's just gonna stop breathing?"

Everyone stays silent.

"Eventually," Emery walks back over to the group, her eyes dry and her strong stoic face back on. "yes."

Mila looks at Emery. "What happens then?"

"Like, Firefighter Fletcher said before, the DNR means, no extraordinary measures." Emery's voice was softer and approachable.

Mila bites her lower lip. She looks at her dad and her shoulders slump. She's never noticed how tired her father looked until now. Mila walked over to the desk and opened the drawer where the DNR papers were located. She signs the papers, the tears never leaving her eyes.

The firefighters had put their turnout gears back on. Once everything was packed up, they put Elliot on the stretcher and helped him out of the building with his daughter. Once they were all out of the building, they made it to a grassed area. Elliot was gently laid on the blanket and Mila lay beside him. They both stared up at the sky together.

"He's destatting." Eddie informs Emery.

"Don't waste a perfectly dark night," Elliot speaks from the grass floor. "Get down here. Look at that sky."

Eddie and Tom look at each other. Then they look at the captain. Emery presses her lips into a small smile, "The building's all clear, so we've got a few minutes."

The three firefighters lay on the grass and turned their lights off. Emery keeps her eyes on the glistening stars as Mila speaks.

"Wow, Dad, look at Andromeda." Mila lets out a small breath of fascination. "The blackouts made them so bright tonight."

"Oh, wow." Emery lets out a small breath.

"First time looking at the stars?" Eddie asks.

Emery softly chuckles, "Uh, no. Amaya and I...we used to watch the stars all the time." her voice was a whisper. "I mean, when we were little we used to. But not..." she trails off. She was going to say "not anymore". Almost like Amaya was still alive. "They're just really beautiful tonight." her voice slightly cracks and her eyes begin to burn.

"Look, there's Orion...and those are the Dippers...and I think that one is Cassiopeia over there." Mila points out the constellations.

"It's really peaceful." Eddie voices, a small smile on his lips.

"My butt's wet," Tom whispers.

Emery couldn't help but smirk at the words.

"Look at that bright one," Mila points. "this time of year, it's either...Venus, or Mars. Yeah, I think that one's Mars, actually."

A light then shoots across the sky and Mila softly gasps. "A shooting star!" she smiles. "Did you see that, Dad?" she looked up at her father only to see that his eyes were closed and his chest wasn't rising or falling. "D-Dad?"

Emery sits up and looks up at Mila and her father. She looks at the portable ventilator to see no rhythm. Emery then checks his pulse, she inhales a small breath, her heart dropping. "No pulse...he's gone."

Mila softly cries. She lays back down beside her father, her hand in his.

Emery lays back down on the grass, her eyes blurring with tears. She covers her mouth and softly whimpers.

☆

Emery, Tom, and Eddie were standing together near the fire engine in silence; all registering what they had witnessed. Emery's arms were crossed, "I'm sorry, for snapping at you Tom."

Tom looks at Emery, "I pushed way too much." he shakes his head. "You were right about the DNR. I shouldn't have--"

"No, no..." Emery leans her head against the fire engine and she swipes her tongue across her lower lip. "You had Elliot's best intentions at heart." she shrugs. "And I should've understood that, but I just didn't want to see it or realize that I'm going to be Mila one day."

Eddie and Tom look at each other. "Em, what are you talking about?" Eddie asks, lightly pushing himself off the fire engine.

Emery softly sighs, and she wipes her eyes. "My dad's lung cancer came back." she looks at them. "And he's not doing chemo this time."

Tom's back straightens, "Emerson..."

"I know I have an issue with not telling people what's going on with me, but...I just wanted to let you guys know after tonight." Emery shrugs. "Because I know that when the time comes I'll need my friends by my side. Just like with Amaya." She lets out an exauhsted breath and her entire body slumps, like the world was lifted off her shoulders.

Eddie touches Emery's shoulders. "You're really fucking strong, you know that?"

Emery presses her lips into a small smile. She wraps her arms around Eddie, hugging him tightly. Any other day. Eddie would've been shocked that Emery had hugged him. But right now, he knew that this was the she needed. He hugs Emery back with the same amount of comfort.

Tom wipes at his eyes and sniffles.

...

Before they finished up the call at the apartment complex, Bobby had told Emery to come see him once her shift was over. And her first shift back had ended so fast, Emery had made her way to Bobby's office. She lightly knocked on the door and Bobby told her to come in.

"Hi." Emery presses her lips into a small smile. "You said you wanted to see me?"

Bobby gives Emery a small smile, "Take a seat, Em."

Emery swallows and sits in the chair that was in front of Bobby's desk. She keeps her hands in her lap and nervously bounces her leg. Her back was straight and her jaw was clenched. Bobby chuckles at her nervous expression. "Emerson, you can relax. I just wanted to see how your first day back was."

And just like that relief flowed through her. She lets out a breath and her shoulders sag. "Oh, thank god! I thought I screwed something up."

"Not at all." Bobby shakes his head. "Actually, Eddie and Fletcher told me how you handled the situation with that daughter and her father."

Emery raises her brows. Bobby sees a flicker of sadness cross her eyes. "How are you doing with that?"

Emery inhales, "Good, it just brought up some stuff with my father. But, It's okay."

Bobby tilts his head to the side and opens his mouth to speak, but Emery talks. "I'll be okay, Bobby. I promise."

Bobby takes a second to read her eyes. "All right."

Emery notices the slight pause and shift in Bobby's energy. "Is there something else you wanted to talk about, sir?"

Bobby lets out a small breath. "It's about Buck."

Emery's back straightens once again and her ears perk. "What about him? Is everything okay?"

"Everything's good. His doctor actually cleared him to come back."

A smile forms on Emery's lips. "That's amazing! Does he know?"

Bobby nods, "He does know. But what he doesn't know is that, I'm thinking about not clearing him."

Emery pulls her brows together and her smile lessens. She lets out a small chuckle, "Wait, what?"

"Emerson—"

"If Buck's been cleared, then he should be able to come back."

"I don't think he's ready to come back." Bobby admits. Emery closes her mouth, allowing Bobby to continue. "And it's not just about his health."

Emery watches as Bobby's body language becomes small. The reason he wasn't going to clear Buck to come back wasn't for any medical reasons. It was personal. He didn't want there ti be any chance of losing anyone else he cared about. Emery couldn't help but sympathize with that feeling.

"Bobby, you know that being a firefighter is Buck's dream. And if you take away that dream. He'll never forgive you." Her voice was soft. "I understand why you don't want to clear him. I do. But, this would ruin him."

"If..." Bobby trails off his words. He couldn't say that. Not only would it make him feel like shit, but he knew that it would shake Emery up. "...if you had a chance to save Amaya—"

"Don't." Emery's voice was soft, like she was begging him not to finish his question.

"If you could. Would you—"

"Of course, I would." Emery's entire demeanor had changed. Her eyes were hard and her tone was firm. But there was a shakiness to her voice, anyone could tell that she was on the verge of crying. "But, this has nothing to do with her."

"Buck is still on those thinners, Emerson." Bobby states. "If anything we're to happen to him while on the job...we could lose him."

Emery covers her face and it takes everything out of her not to curse Bobby out. Was he so desperate to keep Buck off the team that he was going to use her own sister against her? Her heart begins to slowly sink into her stomach and she feels sick. I can't do this...

"You and I both have to make this decision—"

"I already had my mind made up." Emery snaps, she takes her hands off her face, her eyes glassy. "How could you even...?" She shakes her head and looks to the side, not able to even look Bobby in the eye. Her hero.

Guilt ways heavily on both the captains. Emery runs her tongue across the back of her lower teeth. Her head and heart begin to argue with one another. In the end, her heart won.

"Shit..." Emerson wipes her eyes.

I'm sorry, Evan.

☆

Elijah had come into the front room, after hearing the door close. "Emerson?"

Emery was sitting on the couch, her eyes on her hands. She stands up and walks over to her dad.

Elijah smiles, "Hey, how was wo—"

Emery wraps her arms tightly around her father, the side of her face against his chest. Squeezes her eyes shut, listening to his steady heartbeat and it takes everything in her not to cry. Elijah hugs Emery back, holding her shaking body. "Was today not a good day?"

"It was, actually..." Emery whispers, she separates from the hug. "Some of us found a missing kid. And some of us were able to help a dad rest..." She swallows the forming lump in her throat.

"I'll start going to therapy."

Elijah raises his brows, "Are you sure?"

Emery bites the inside of her cheek and nods her head. "Yeah, I'm sure." She takes a small step back, her eyes on the ground. Elijah's eyes soften, her body language almost felt like she was embarrassed.

"You remember what it was like when I went to therapy before." Emery folds her arms. "And what happened after..."

A pit of guilt forms in Elijah's stomach thinking about the exact moment that was running through Emery's head. When Emery was a kid, she felt like she had the whole world sitting on her chest. She would have breakdowns almost every month. And it not only exhausted her, but it exhausted her mother too. Elijah had somehow convinced his wife to let Emery talk to someone. Amara didn't believe in therapy, but if it was a way to stop Emery from having panic attacks during her finals; the mother was going to agree to it.

When Emery started seeing a therapist, they would ask her questions that she thought would only stay between them. Emery found out the hard way that the "confidential rule" was only for certain topics. Thinking about ways to end your life was not one of those certain topics. Emery had been held at a psychiatric hospital for 72 hours.

That was the longest 3 days of Emery's life.

Since then, she had vowed to never open up to anyone like that again.

But she had broken that bow a couple of times when she told her teammates about Helena.

So, maybe she could give therapy another try.

"Emerson, I'm proud of you." Elijah cups her face. Emery softly smiles. She then raises her brows. "We should look at the stars together sometime."

Elijah chuckles, "Where did that come from?"

Emery frowns and shrugs a shoulder. "Amaya and I used to do it all the time. And, we had time to do it tonight and it just...brought a lot of good memories back."

Elijah looks into his daughter's misty eyes and he couldn't his own eyes from tearing up. "You know what? That sounds very nice. I would like that."

Emery smiles and hugs her father again.

━━━━━━━━━━

author's note.

Emery and Elijah are literally healing my heart rn.

If any of y'all that read this chapter the first time I posted it noticed that I added another part, it's because I forgot it. And it plays a MAJOR part in the future *cough cough* literally the next chapter. Also, the next chapter might take a minute to write because I'm putting...stuff and thangs in it 🤭

words : 8028