Careful What You Wish For.

chapter thirty-two, Admitting You Have a Problem SUCKS

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Almost every morning Emery inspects her ceiling.

At first, it was just because she would end up on her back when she woke up. But after Helena, counting all the popcorn textures across her ceiling distracted her from the truth. It distracted her from coming to terms with the fact that, she was not okay.

But lately, Emery didn't have the time or energy to count her ceiling. So, her brain was filled with every self-loathing and judgemental thought she could devise for herself.

And it didn't help that Bobby was forced to relieve his position as captain.

"Barry Johnson, 57..." Athena and her Rookie walk over to the firefighters. "Seems to have had some kind of existential crisis after lunch. Threw all his money off the roof and then decided to jump after it. Falls 20 stories and lives."

"You don't see that every day." Chimney voices.

"20 stories? How is that even possible?" Buck questions.

"We also got a few greedy bystanders with minor injuries," Athena adds. "Not sure how you want to handle those."

The Batallion SUV comes to a stop and the captain steps out of it.

Hen arches a brow, "That's up to the Captain."

"Interim Captain." Emery corrects. She nervously shifts her belt and exhales sharply. "Just until Captain Nash gets back."

"Oh, don't be like that." Eddie clasps a hand on Emery's shoulder. "You've been waiting years for this."

Emery inhales a breath, her nerves still out of control. "Yeah, I have..." she then sputters her lips. "Then again, I had a chance like this before when we were locked in that garage...didn't end so well."

"I mean, it didn't end well, true. But you've grown as a person." Buck looks at Emery, her eyes were already on him. "I've got faith in you."

A small smile forms on her lips and her face grows hot. "Thanks." She rolls her lips into her mouth and glances at the ground.

Her eyes then nervously inspect the scene, trying to distract herself from her fluttering heart. Emery looks at the injured man who was lying in the caved-in vehicle. "Okay, let's do this..." she turns to the Paramedics. "Hen and Chim, take spinal precautions, please."

"Eddie and Tom, go with John and triage the minor injuries." Emery then turns to those storm blue eyes that have recently got her heart in shambles. "And Buck, go get the jaws."

Everyone goes to their respective places and Emery rubs her sweaty palms against her jeans.

"See..."

Emery turns to Athena and Wren. "You're a natural."

The curly-haired girl manages a small smile. "Thanks, Athena." Her eyes shift to Wren, who gives her a cautious smile. Emery just ended up looking away from her without sparing her a reaction. Wren's smile lessens and walks back over to her and Athena's squad car. Athena raises a brow, "Oh, what, so you're having issues with basically everyone?"

Emery looks at Athena and slightly opens her mouth. "What?"

"First Hen and now Wren?"

Emery frowns, "That rhymes--"

"Emerson Bailey Sharpe, you better not be shutting down on us." Athena points at Emery. Even though Athena's voice was stern, it didn't take away her worry for the girl. She's seen Emery's dark downward spiral.

The first hint to Emery's spirals: Isolation

The girl's back straightens. "I-I'm not. I just...I've got a lot going on, okay?" she sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose. "I don't have time for...stuff."

"Do you really think that's what we are? Just, stuff?" Athena's voice was soft. Emeey's chest tightens and she slightly pulls at her collar. "I should...go check on Mister Johnson."

Emery walks past Athena, only to be greeted with the Rookie officer. A small breath escapes Emery's lips. "Wren—"

"I just want to talk to you—"

"Now? You want to talk now?" Emery raises her brows.

"If not now then when?—"

"Never, Wren!" Emery snaps, but only low enough to be heard between them. Wren slightly flinches. Emery scratches at her ear and looks around. "Just...another time, please." She brushes past the brunette.

☆

Emery's head was crowded. All she could think about was how to do better for the team. I mean, she was Captain--temporary, of course. But it was still a big deal to her. What could she do to make the team have faith in her? What could she do to have faith in herself?

"Inhale for five seconds..."

With her eyes shut, Emery inhales.

"Exhale for eight seconds..."

Emery exhales.

"Now, repeat these words of affirmation."

"I am amazing.

Emery opens her mouth, "I am amazing."

"I have the world in my hands."

Emery cups her hands, "I have the world in my hands."

"I am worthy of love."

"I..." Emery trails off the words. She clears her throat and tries again. "I..."

Emery's right eye twitches out of annoyance for herself. She opens her eyes and pauses her meditation video. She covers her face and groans. Her mind goes back to a few weeks ago with Amaya. She saw the look across Amaya's face when Emery didn't believe that she deserved to be loved. She didn't want Amaya to have to worry about her. She didn't want anyone to worry about her. I mean, she was a Captain, temporary. And she was a big sister. She was helping her parents with medical bills. She was supposed to be looking out for everyone. She didn't need anyone to look after her. It made her feel...unfinished.

It caused a pit to form in her stomach, and it wouldn't go away.

A knock is heard at the door, causing Emery to slightly jump. She sputters her lips and scratches under her eye. Emery stands up and walks through the empty apartment and opens the door. She blinks and slightly opens her mouth, "No..."

"Emerson--"

"Wren, I'm not doing this." Emery bunches her shoulders. Wren's shoulders sag and her chest tightens. But it wasn't with exhaustion or sadness. It was with frustration. Wren was frustrated with Emery and her continuously pushing her away without talking.

"I don't have time for this, Wren." Emery scoffs. "And I definitely don't have time for you."

Wren pulls her brows together, "Okay, you know what—No!" She grabs Emery's wrist. Emery whips her head around. Her brown hard eyes on Wren's eyes challenging her glare.

"You can't talk to me like that. I did nothing to you." Wren shakes her head. "You kissed me—"

"Stop it." Emery snaps. "Don't..." she inhales a breath and looks around. Wren watches as Emery's angry expression changes to a shaky guilt-ridden one. Emery closes her eyes and lets out a breath. A crack was seen in Emery's armor which caused Wren's back to straighten.

"I know that's why you lost contact with me." Wren's voice was soft. "And I...understand that, okay?" she starts. "But I didn't come to L.A. to bring up old shit. I came here for myself."

Emery opens her eyes and looks at Wren.

"And you can't talk to me any way you want, okay? You shouldn't talk to anyone like that—actually."

Emery lets out a quiet scoff, "Oh, wow, okay. So, I'm guessing you heard about Hen and I's fight."

Wren pulls her hand away from Emery's wrist. "Yeah. Sergeant Grant talks about it all the time. She doesn't want to pick sides. You guys are stressing her out."

"Yeah, I know." Emery scratches the inner corner of her eye. "But, I screwed up. I was the bitch. I always am. And...I'm sorry."

Wren raises her brows. Emery takes a step to the side, signaling Wren to step in. Wren inhales a quiet but deep breath and walks into the apartment. She looks around the apartment and it was exactly how she thought Emery's apartment would be. Neat, minimalistic, and bright. Emery closes the door behind her and swallows a lump in her throat.

Emery pushes herself off the door and walks over to the couch. She sits down with a small breath leaving her lips. "When I...kissed you after Helena died..." she shakes her head. Wren crosses her arms and lightly bites her fingernail.

"It felt like I had betrayed her and our friendship." Emery bites her lower lip. "I fucked everything up and I know you and I know you probably felt terrible about it too."

Wren looks at the ground, "You know me pretty well then."

Emery scratches the inner corner of her eye, hoping to keep her tears from spilling. "I took myself out of the equation. I thought that was the best thing to do."

"You thought that the best thing was for me to lose my best friend after I had just lost my other best friend?" Wren sits beside Emery.

Emery's chest tightens and she lowers her head. "Yeah, it sounds pretty shitty."

She then exhales a breath. "I wasn't the only one who lost her." Emery looks at Wren. "I forget that sometimes. Helena was an amazing fucking person to everyone she came across and she was a light for most people. And I..." she closes her eyes. "I wasn't the only one who lost her." She repeats it again, hoping her brain and heart understand.

Wren bites the inside of her cheek. "You know communication goes both ways."

Emery opens her eyes and looks back at the woman.

"I'm sorry I didn't try harder."

Emery softly chuckles. She takes a moment to look across Wren's face. The way Wren has grown and Emery wasn't there to see it. "Maybe there is a reason you're back here." She admits. "We had unfinished business."

"An unfinished friendship?" Wren bunches her shoulders.

Emery nodded her head, "Yeah." Her voice was soft and shaky.

"Helena brought us back here," Wren says, her throat tightening. "I know it."

Emery exhales a shaky breath and her eyes grow misty. She wraps her arms around Wren's neck and pulls her into a tight embrace they both need. Wren hugs her back with a small laugh.

☆

"Okay, team!"

Everyone was standing in line as Emery walked up and down the line of firefighters, her hands behind her back. It's been a few days since Wren and Emery had started mending their friendship. And it made a difference in Emery's attitude. Especially as a captain. She was more confident than before. Nobody had a problem with it. They were honestly wondering how long it would take Emery to finally take this job by the horns and make it her bitch.

"The word of the day is "hose maintenance"!" Emery keeps strong eye contact with each firefighter as she walks. "Do you guys know what that means?"

"Probie!"

Tom jumps and his heart drops. Emery stands in front of him with an arched brow. His heart then jumps into his throat and his face gets hot. She should've been seen as scary, but right now, Tom thought she was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. "Uh, Hose maintenance is maintaining the hose, Captain!"

The group of firefighters begins to laugh. Tom slightly opens his mouth, a perplexed expression across his face. "I-I wasn't...joking." he looked back at Emery and her eyes were now squinted.

"It's not just maintaining hose, Probie." Emery takes a step towards him, her steel-toed boot touching his. Buck's chest tightens. He would give anything to be in Tom's position right now.

"It's about inspecting the hose--caring for the hose. Making sure those hose is intact." She tilts her head. "Do you understand that, Probie?"

"Uh, y-yes, Captain!" Tom's back straightens.

Emery presses her lips into a smile, "Good."

She claps her hands together, causing everyone to jump. "Hen and Chim—pair up. Eddie and Tom—pair up. Buck and..." she trails off her sentence and purses her lips. "Huh..."

"Buck..." her eyes land on his and she inhales a nervous breath. "You're with me."

Buck swallows and his hands begin to grow sweaty. "Yes, ma'am."

Emery and Buck keep eye contact for a moment, not even acknowledging anyone else around them. All Buck wanted to do was walk over to her and pull her into a warm kiss. The way she's in a position of power, that she deserves made him so happy for her. He was going crazy not being by her side.

Emery clears her throat, forcing her eyes off of Buck's. "All right, everyone , let's get to your hose!"

Emery crouches down beside Buck, her hands rubbing against her jeans.

"You all right there, Captain?"

Emery blinks and meets Buck's soft storm blue eyes. Her heart jumps into her throat and she swallows. "I-I'm good, just...getting used to this whole 'me being the Captain' thing." She shakes her head. "Interim Captain."

"I don't like Interim Captain Sharpe, though." Buck presses his lips together and slightly tilts his head up. "Now, Captain Sharpe..." he looks back at her a small starstruck smile across his lips. Emery's back straightens.

"That has a nice ring to it."

Emery slightly parts her lips. "A ring you could get used to?" She breathes.

"Oh, yeah."

Emery bites her lower lip and looks at the hose that was still unfinished. "We should finish this." She glances at him, her face hot. "Let me see what you've got."

Buck couldn't stop the smile that found his face. "Yes, ma'am."

☆

"Hi."

Emery inhales a breath while fiddling with her fingers. "Hi." She walks into the room and Bobby raises his brows. "Come in." He closes the door behind her.

Emery's eyes land on the wedding plans and magazines of flowers across the table. She opens her mouth, "You're busy." She turns to him and winces. "I should go."

"Em, it's okay." Bobby says. "You're not the first to visit."

Emery slightly opens her mouth. "So, I'm guessing you've already heard about what an awful Captain I've been."

Bobby pulls his brows together. Emery paces the room back and forth. "I haven't been living up to a great Captain. I mean, I've been hesitant, quiet—I'm not being myself."

"And would you say that you're also being unfair to certain people?"

Emery inhales a breath and folds her arms. "M-Maybe..." she murmurs, knowing he's referring to Hen.

"Do you know why that is?" Bobby asks, he sits at the table.

Emery stares at the table for a moment and bites the inside of her cheek. Right now, she wanted to walk out of that room and not talk about it. She didn't want to talk it. Then again, last week, she didn't want to talk to Wren either; but now that they did they're working on their relationship.

Emery exhales a small breath before walking over to the table and sitting across from Bobby. She looks into Bobby's eyes before looking away. He could tell that whatever she was going to tell him, was going to be difficult. So, he didn't urge her on. He just sat there, waiting patiently for her to talk on her own accord.

Emery bites at her thumb fingernail then she looks back at Bobby. "Uh, it's...my dad." She forces out, hoping she wouldn't cry. "His cancer came back and this time he..." her voice begins to shake and she tenses. Emery clears her throat and scratches the inner corner of her eye. "...he's not doing the chemo."

Bobby watches as Emery looks down at her hands and continuously taps each of her fingers with her thumb.

"So, that means he's..."

"Dying." Emery bunches her shoulders. "My dad's going to die." Her voice shakes even more than before and she covers her eyes with her hand. "I'm sorry—I'm sorry." Tears wet her hand and her body begins to shake with sobs.

Bobby shakes his head and he could feel his heart begin to break. "No, don't apologize. Not for this." He grabs a box of tissues and hands it to her.

Seeing Emery cry was such a rare occasion. Actually, he doesn't think he's ever seen her cry before. So, right now, seeing her breakdown from the months of burden, grief, and agony; made tears find his eyes. Bobby sets the box of Kleenex in front of the girl. He lightly taps it, catching Emery's attention. She pulls her hand off her eyes and looks at the box through her wet lashes. Emery then looks at Bobby and he gives her a small comforting smile.

Emery scratches the side of her nose and grabs a tissue. "Thank you." She wipes her nose and her face begins to heat up with embarrassment. "I'm sorry."

"Emerson, you found out that you're going to...lose your father." Bobby says, his voice gentle. Emery's chest tightens and it feels like she won't be able to breathe again. Hearing someone else say it, just makes it real. "You don't have to be afraid to cry."

"Have you been going back and forth to L.A. and San Diego this entire time?"

"It's not that big of a deal..." Emery wipes at her eyes and exhales. "I just..." she presses her thumb between her brows and squeezes her eyes shut. "It's all been a lot and I'm finally realizing that I can't...do it alone." She presses her lips together and slowly nods her head.

"I'm not perfect."

Bobby chuckles, "No one's perfect, Em."

Emery looks at her hands. "Yeah, that's what I'm realizing now." She sighs and looks at him. "I'm such an asshole."

Bobby presses his lips together. "How are you and Hen doing?"

Emery tenses, "We're...keeping our distance."

"And you and Buck?"

Emery freezes and her brows scrunch together. For a second, she thinks she misheard him. So, she waits for a moment, trying to figure out anything else he could've said. Emery looks at him and notices the look.

It was the look Bobby gave someone every time he knew something he shouldn't know.

"I-I'm sorry, Captain?"

Bobby chuckles and looks off to the side. "Are you and Buck okay?"

"Why...we're fine. Why wouldn't we be?" Emery sputters her lips. "We're teammates who...are okay."

Bobby raises his brows and Emery shakes her head. She starts to tap her fingers against the table, her nerves starting to increase. "How did you know?" She turns to him, exhaling the question. "I mean, I thought if everything—we had a plan, a schedule—"

"Well, I didn't know the entire time." Bobby shrugs. "I don't even know when you guys started whatever it is you guys have started."

Emery bites the inside of her cheek. "We're not...together or anything." She tells him. "We stopped seeing each other."

"Your personal life is your business, Emerson." Bobby holds up a hand. "Even though, I am surprised that you and Buck even became a you and Buck."

Emery inhales a breath and a small smile forms on her lips. "Yeah, I don't know when it happened, but...it did." Her heart starts to warm up, melting her ice core exterior. She shrugs as her smile lessens. "But I ruined it. I pulled an Emerson." Her head tilts to the side and she exhales through her nose.

Bobby pulls his brows together and Emery notices. "Oh. Uh, I ruined a good thing that was going for me."

"I don't know about ruining it." Bobby leans back in his seat, his arms folded. "You and Buck weren't together. Officially, right?"

Emery shakes her head, "No, sir."

"So, maybe this is just the small break you guys need to figure out what you want." Bobby shrugs.

Emery raises her brows. She thinks for a moment and softly hums. "I...never thought about it like that." She then chuckles. Emery has been coming to terms with so many things over this past month. Maybe this break was good, because all Emery wanted to do right now was tell Buck what she wanted.

"Do you..." Emery softly breathes, her face hot. She felt silly asking a question like this. "...when you started dating Athena. How did you know you were ready?"

Bobby inhales when a sadness crosses Emery's eyes. "It's just one of those things that you just know, Emery." He says. "How do you feel when you're with Buck?"

Emery's chest tightens and tears find her eyes again. "Like I can fucking fly."

Simultaneously, Bobby and Emery laugh. She covers her eyes and shakes her head. "God, that's so corny." Her hands fall to the table and she sighs. "He makes makes me feel like it's okay to be myself. I don't have to run my life by rules and regulations 24/7."

"I just don't know how he feels, so it's tough having these...feelings." Emery shrugs. Bobby chuckles which causes Emery to pull her brows together.

"Believe me, he feels the same way."

"How would you know that?" Emery chuckles nervously.

Bobby shrugs, "He came by earlier and asked how long I was gonna be gone and if I could take my time staying gone." He then laughs. Emery raises her brows, "What?" Her voice was barely a whisper.

"Being a captain is all you've ever wanted and Buck knows that." Bobby searches eyes. "He knows you."

"And he wants what's best for you."

Emery's heart starts to pound against her chest. Bobby watches as Emery goes into deep thought.

"You should figure out what you want and if Buck is involved in any of that." Bobby voices. "Just...my opinion."

Emery nods her head, "Understood, sir." She then quirks a brow. "And you should figure out whether Lilies or Roses are a flower Athena likes."

"She likes both."

Emery presses her lips together and her head tilts to the side. Bobby's smug expression drops. "Doesn't she?"

"She loves Roses..." Emery clicks her tongue. "But Lilies? No way."

"But she told me she loved them."

"And did that happen to be the day you had Lilies in your hand, so she felt the need to say she loved them?" Emery folds her arms and leans back in her seat.

This changes everything for Bobby. And he wasn't being dramatic either. Bobby stands up and grabs his phone before sprinting off into his room. Emery tilts her head back and laughs.

"Nice catching up with you, sir!"

☆

"Mail bomb."

Athena walks over to the Captain. "Wife's in rough shape, but she's still in one piece."

Emery and Athena walk to where the victim was located. "The house hasn't been cleared yet. Bomb squad's still a couple of minutes out."

Emery gives Athena a nod. "Copy that," she turns to her team. "Let's move, 118!"

"Here! She's not breathing!" The husband calls out, from beside his wife. "I tried talking to her, but she wouldn't answer."

"Hen, Chim?"

The two paramedics crouch beside the woman. "She can't hear you 'cause her eardrums are blown out."

"All right, let's turn her." Emery voices.

The team complies and lays the woman on a backboard.

"Chimney and Hen can handle this, Eddie check on the husband; see how he's doing."

"I'm fine." The husband voices. "Just save my wife, please."

"Sir, listen to me." Emery walks over to the man. "We're going to do everything we can for your wife. But you know that she'd want you to take care of yourself too. So, please let us help the both of you."

The man looks into Emery's gentle eyes and his body slightly relaxes. He nods his head and Emery motions for Eddie to continue checking on the man. Buck watched the whole interaction and he couldn't stop his heart from beating faster with admiration for the girl.

"All right, Buck and Fletcher—there could be a secondary device. Try and get everyone off the 'X'."

"Yes, ma'am." Buck nods.

Emery rolls her lips into her mouth to contain her smile.

After clearing the area and rolling the patient into the ambulance, Emery closes the ambulance door and inhales a shaky breath.

"Look at you, Miss O' Captain My Captain!"

Emery's heart jumps and she's left feel nervous. A forced laugh leaves her lips, which causes Buck to stop in his tracks. "You're so funny, Buck."

Buck then squints his eyes, "Are you being sarcastic?"

"What? No." Emery shrugs. "I thought the joke was funny, so I laughed."

Buck chuckles softly, "I have never heard you laugh like that."

"Because that's my...r-real laugh." Emery crosses her arms and shrugs. Buck squints his eyes, "You're such a little liar—"

"What?!"

"That wasn't your real laugh." He points at her. "You have the small little high pitched squeal at the end of your laughs—that's your real laugh."

Emery raises her brows and her jaw goes slack. "You...you know my laugh?"

Buck freezes and his face heats up. "I mean—yeah. It's not a big deal, after all the time we spend together; how could I not?"

Emery nods her head while softly smiling. "Well, your laugh sounds like you're being tickled every second." She bunches her shoulders. "More like a melody, I guess."

Buck watches as Emery looks to the side, hoping her bashfulness went unnoticed. "Awwwww, Emi—"

"No, no—shut up." Emery waves a hand.

"Do you like my laugh?" Buck takes a step towards her. At this point, Emery was a flustered mess. She lets out a loud laugh then gasps. "Wh-what?—What?! No, you're laugh...I hate your laugh it sounds like two seagulls having sex and choking!"

"That was oddly specific..." Buck frowns. He watches as Emery pushes her lower lip out and he laughs. Buck looks around the area, just like what they used to do before sharing a kiss. Emeey's chest tightens and she parts her lips. Buck takes a step closer to her, his pointer touches hers, causing Sparks to form between their fingers.

"I like when you're specific."

Buck then walks away from Emery, causing her stomach to clench and her body to burst into flames.

...

Seeing the results of the mail bomb was terrible. But the car crash...

That would never leave any of their minds.

"All right, everyone give us some room!" Emery calls out, walking through the crowd. "Fletcher, triage the minor injuries! Chimney, Hen, you're with me. Buck and Eddie, check the driver."

Emery, Hen, and Chimney walk over to the crowd of people. "LAFD, make room!" The three firefighters make their way through the civilians. As soon as they got to the injured woman on the street, they stopped.

"Oh, my god..."

"Is that—"

"Shannon." Emery shakily whispers. "Okay, uh..." she inhales a breath and rubs her hands against her slacks. "Hen, Chimney, stabilize her, p-please..."

Hen and Chimney crouch down beside Shannon. Emery then crouches next to the woman. Her skin was paling and her eyes were slowly getting heavier. Emery's voice gets caught in her throat. "H-Hey, Shannon." She clears her throat. "It's me, Captain Sharpe...Interim Captain Sharpe. I work with your husband."

At the last sentence, her eyelids lift, she meets Emery's gentle dark brown eyes. "Oh...hey..."

Shannon sounded so tired.

Emery manages a soft smile, "We're just gonna stabilize your neck and—"

"Eddie—Eddie, wait Eddie!"

Emery turns her head and sees Eddie urgently walking towards them. She looks at Hen and Chim. "Hold intubation."

"Emerson, if we wait then she might—"

"I know." Emery looks at Hen. "Just...wait."

Hen wanted to continue to speak, telling her it wasn't a good idea. But she saw the determination in Emery's eyes, and she knew she wasn't going to listen to her. Hen let's out a frustrated breath and nods her head. "Yes, Captain."

Emery stands up and quickly walks over to Eddie. "Eddie, hey. Let me handle this—"

"How bad is it?" Eddie asks, his eyes never leaving Shannon's body.

"It's bad." Emery's voice was stable and calm. She needed to be that way for this situation.

"Spinal injury?"

"Maybe worse." Emery answers.

Eddie brushes past Emery and crouches beside his wife. "Shannon."

Shannon's eyes connect with Eddie's. "Hey...are you here?"

"I'm here." Eddie nods.

Shannon let's out a small breath. "Oh, god, this is so embarrassing."

"Vitals trending downward." Hen voices, trying to make it known to Emery that intubation needed to be soon.

"All right, let's get her on the backboard." Emery orders. "Her her transported—now!"

They got Shannon onto the backboard and onto the stretcher. They move her to the ambulance. Once Shannon got into the aid car, Eddie spoke.

"I'm riding with her."

Emery holds hand out to Eddie, stopping him.

"She's decompensating. Emerson, we have to intubate her." Hen voices.

"Eddie." Emery places a hand against his chest. Her voice was soft and calm. Eddie pulls his eyes away from his wife and looks into Emery's. "Once we put that tube in, there's a possibility of it never coming out."

Just from the look across Eddie's face, you could feel his entire world slip from his hands. Emery's eyes begin to burn and she turns to the Paramedic. "Hen, stop. Do not intubate. Not yet."

"Captain—"

"Hold." Emery's voice was now stern. She looks back at Eddie. "Go in there and say goodbye to your wife."

Emery takes a step aside allowing Eddie into the ambulance. He sits besides his wife and Emery turns to Chimney. "As soon as he says goodbye, start intubating her. Fletcher, Buck, and I will be right behind you guys."

"Copy that, Captain."

☆

The intubation for Shannon started too late and she didn't make it. Emery couldn't help but think about so many different things she could've done differently. Was there something she could've done differently? Emery basically gave the order to take Eddie's wife away from him. She failed as a Captain today.

At least that's what she thinks.

Emery's eyes stayed on the ceiling of her apartment. She wanted to cry. But there wasn't anything coming out. Crying was always so healthy, maybe her body knows she doesn't deserve to cry. You deserve to stew in it.

Emery inhales a shaky breath. Eddie was going to have to tell Christopher that his mom was dead. Emeey's chest begins to tighten and she exhales a breath through her mouth.

Suddenly a ping went off on her phone. She had been ignoring text messages and calls since the call.

Emery didn't have the energy to answer texts, let alone calls. But for some reason, Emery felt the need to look at this one. She grabs her phone and looks at the message on her Lock Screen.

Evan 🦋: Hey

Emery stares at the message and the end of her mouth twitches.

♥My Emi♥ : Hey.

Evan 🦋 : How are you doing after the call? Everyone's been calling and texting you.

♥My Emi♥ : I'm okay. Just counting trying to count the popcorn on my ceiling.

Buck raises his brows. He's seen Emery do that after they'd just lay in the bed for a moment together. He's never asked her about it, because it just seemed like a personal thing to her routine.

Evan 🦋 : And how many have you counted so far?

A small breath leaves Emery's lips.

♥My Emi♥ : This time, I would have to say I counted a total of 0 popcorns on my ceiling."

A laugh comes from Buck. He tilts his head up his ceiling for a moment and thinks about Emery's need to count the ceiling when she needed things to be in control—her way. If she wasn't counting them now, then that meant she really wasn't okay.

Evan 🦋 : That call with Shannon? I know it hit you pretty hard."

♥My Emi♥ : Well, yeah. I'm the captain.

Evan 🦋 : Not even with you just being the captain. But I meant with you and Helena."

Emery's fingers stop moving across the screen and she sighs. Even though Emery was trying to be better about communicating how she's feeling, it's still hard. She sits up and wipes her mouth, trying to find the right words.

♥My Emi♥ : I was so quick to stop Hen from intubating today. I just let Shannon die.

Evan 🦋: Is that what you really think happened?

♥My Emi♥ : I think I withheld medical care for a patient and she died

Buck feels his heart break from the words across his screen.

Evan 🦋: It was already too late when we got to the scene, Emi. We just only had enough time to give Eddie a chance to say goodbye.

Buck's worried blue irises stay glued to the floating bubbles, popping up as Emery typed her response. Then the bubbles stop, but no response was sent. Buck slightly sits up, his heart picking up in speed.

♥My Emi♥: I keep asking myself over and over again in my head. What would Bobby do?

Buck pulls his brows together and a small breath escapes his nose.

♥My Emi♥: How would Bobby Hav—

Emery's phone begins to ring, causing the girl to slightly jump. Her eyes run across the Caller ID and she inhales a breath. Emery answers the phone and presses it against her ears.

"Hello—"

"Bobby isn't the captain right now, Emi." Buck's voice was firm but you could hear the reassurance in it. "You are."

Emery looks down at her fingernails.

"And you had a rough call." Buck states. "But you made the right one and I'm proud of you."

"You're seriously proud of me? For what I did?—"

"I'm proud of you for all of it, Emerson." Buck quickly speaks. Emery closes her mouth. Buck let's out a small breath, "I knew you could do it. Handle being Captain, I just..." he looks at the ceiling. "I just wish you could see what I see."

Emery's breathing hitches and her brows furrow. "What do you see?" Her voice was soft. Her blood was rushing through her ears, so she could hardly even hear her voice.

Buck's body tenses, he leans back in his seat and lets out a breath that he felt like he had been holding for an eternity. "I see...a very strong, determined and stubborn girl. And even though she has a hard time opening up, she's one of the most kind and considerate people I have ever met."

Emery keeps her eyes on her satin sheets and a sad smile forms on her lips. "You're too kind, Buckley. Seriously." She manages a small chuckle, but Buck could still hear the hesitance in it.

"Listen, I should get going." Emery wipes at her eyes. "I'll see you at work, okay?"

"Yeah, of course." Buck's mouth twitches. "Good night, Emerson."

"Night, Buck."

The phone call ends and Buck's left feeling like he could do more for her.

Buck could just see the pain in Emery's face even though he wasn't there. The way her brows scrunch together and her breathing heavies. She goes silent and shuts down. And she was all alone. She and Buck were supposed to be giving each other space. As much space as two coworkers could give one another.

What else could he do?

A lightbulb then flickers on in his head and he grabs his phone, calling someone else.

☆

The knock was rapid, which causes Emery to answer it with urgency. She pulls the door open, revealing the two woman holding a baby.

"Oh thank god—we need you to watch Denny!" Karen walks in.

Emery slightly opens her mouth and she looks back at Hen, who doesn't spare her a glance. "I...what?" Emery closes the door behind them and turns to the couple.

"We need a last minute babysitter. So, we came here."

Emery nervously shifts her eyes over to Hen. The curly-haired girl then looks back at the woman. "Karen, I don't think I'm the best choice—"

"I agree. So, let's go." Hen voices, she starts to walk back over to the door.

"Henrietta. Hold."

Hen halts in her steps and lets out a heavy sigh. Karen then looks back at the hesitant girl.

"Emery. You owe us." Karen's eyes were pleading.

Emery slightly opens her mouth, knowing that Karen's referring to her and Hen's fight. "Hen, told you—"

"Of course she did. We're married. We run on trust and all that good stuff. Now..." Karen rocks Denny back and forth but she keeps her eyes on Emery.

Emery inhales a breath, she holds it for a moment and looks at the baby. The girl loved babysitting Denny, but she knew that Hen didn't trust her. If Hen didn't trust her then Karen for sure wouldn't. So, what was the deal?

Emery then sighs and holds her hands out. Everyone needs a night out from the kids. Karen triumphantly laughs, she walks over to Emery and puts Denny in her arms.

"Hen, give her the list."

Hen let's out a breath of disbelief. Karen snaps her eyes over to her wife, and they begin to argue with their eyes. Emery awkwardly presses her lips together and she exhales through her nose.

"Henrietta—"

"Fine!" Hen holds the list out to Emery. "Here."

Emery presses her lips into a small smile. "Thanks, Hen."

Hen was caught off guard by Emery's gentle voice. But she just shakes it off, "Follow the list please. And...call us if you have any questions or anything happens—"

"Hen, she's taken care of Denny many times before." Karen touches her wife's shoulder. "She's going to do great."

"You can count on me." Emery holds a thumb up.

Hen arches a brow, "Right..." she turns away and walks towards the door. Karen waves at Emery with a big smile before walking out of the house with her wife. As soon as the door closes, Emery looks at Denny. "I guess it's just the two of us." She sighs. "Just like old times, huh?"

Emery holds her hand up. "Come on. Come on..."

Denny high fives Emery and the girl laughs. "Yeah! Okay, let's go get something to eat because I am not the best cooker."

...

Emery and Denny were sitting on the floor of her apartment with the tv playing SpongeBob; while they played with Legos.

Emery grabs her phone and takes a picture of her and Denny. She then sends the picture to Buck with a smile on her lips.

♥My Emi♥: Guess who I'm hanging with?!

Emery lifts her head up, meeting Denny's eyes. She holds her hands up and bunches her shoulders. "What?"

Her phone pings off and she looks back at her phone.

Evan 🦋: I don't think I've ever seen you smile that big before in your life 😹

Emery snorts at the emoji.

♥My Emi♥: Well, there was the one time when you first came to the station and had to deal with the dishwasher!!! HAHAHAHA now THAT was funny

Buck laughs. Of course she would use 'HAHAHA' instead of a laughing emoji.

Evan🦋: Soooo what you're saying is, babysitting Denny is helping you?

♥My Emi♥: Hell yeah—wait...

♥My Emi♥: Did you ask Karen and Hen to let me babysit Denny, to make me feel better?

Emery watches as the three bubbles jump, waiting for Buck's reply.

Evan🦋: No.

Emery presses her lips together and hums. She looks at Denny. "What do you think? Is he lying?"

Denny giggles and shrugs, throwing his arms up. Emery giggles, "Yeah...I can't tell either."

Emery texts Buck.

♥My Emi♥: I can't tell if you're lying...

The texts bubbles bounce.

♥My Emi♥: I'm gonna call you.

Buck's jaw goes slack. Shit. She's going to be able to read through him.

Buck answers the phone and presses it against his ear. "Hello?"

"So..." Emery folds her arms and she arches a brow. "...you didn't ask Karen and Hen about be babysitting Denny?"

Buck softly hums, "Uh, no—"

"Liar!" She then laughs.

"Okay, I know you like kids and they make you happy and I just...I wanted you to be happy." Buck's face gets hot while Emery's heartbeat accelerates.

"Well, I thank you for taking my feelings into thought." Emery says almost in a robotic tone.

Buck then sputters his lips and laughs. "You thank me? What is that?"

"What? I was thanking you—thank you!"

Buck laughs harder than before, which causes Emery to laugh. Emeey's laugh then causes Denny to laugh. The girl looks over at the toddler and her eyes widen. "Oh, god..."

Buck's laughter quiets down. "Emi, you ok—"

"Denny, stop!" Emery drops the phone, forgetting to hang it up. Buck listens as Emery screams throughout the apartment and Denny laughs.

"Emery, is everything okay?!"

"He's peeing!"

Buck's eyes widen, "Oh...oh no." He hangs up the phone.

☆

"See?! He's okay!"

Karen takes Denny and chuckles. "You're an angel." She picks the sleeping toddler up and mouths the words 'Thank you'. Emery smiles softly and nods her head. Karen looks between Hen and Emery. She remembers the plan she and Buck came up with.

"We just need to kill two birds with one stone."

"I'm gonna out Denny in the car."

"Right, yeah. We should go—"

"No, no. I'll come back up and get you." Karen quickly speaks. "Take your guys' time. Stay here and...talk."

"Karen—"

"Henrietta." Karen squints her eyes at Hen before walking out of the apartment.

Silencer settles into the apartment and Emery looks at the ground before looking back at Hen. Hoping she could muster up the courage to say something to Hen..

"He's okay..." Hen says, like she was surprised.

Emery nods her head, "He is."

"You're not covering up a bump on the head or anything, right?" Hen asks.

"No, Hen." Emery chuckles softly. "Just because I'm a bad friend, doesn't mean I'm a bad babysitter." She shrugs.

"Oh. Okay...well, thank you."

"It was the least I could after...what I said." Emery exhales. "It wasn't...nice."

Hen slowly nods her head. "You're right. It wasn't."

"And you should go up for Lietentuant. Because you're really good at your job." Emery keeps her eyes on Hen's. Making it a statement that she meant what she was saying. Hen's cold demeanor melts away and her eyes cloud with the same pain Emery saw the day they had their fight.

"Then why?" Hen whispers. "Why did you say those...awful things?"

Emery stuffs her hands into her sweatpants pockets. She then gets nervous and begins to fiddle with her necklace. "I...I'm a terrible person."

"But, I don't know why I'm a terrible person to you." Emery points at the woman she considers her big sister. "You have been there for me at my worst of times. The times I thought I would never get through."

Hen pulls her brows together when she notices Emery's hands begin to shake.

"And I think I'm going through one of those times again and I just...I didn't want you to have to go through that with me again." Emery shakes her head. "I mean, it could get exhausting and frustrating having someone go through trauma after trauma. I didn't want you to get tired of me and..." she exhales a small breath and doesn't finish her sentence. But Hen already knew what she was going to say.

I didn't want you to get tired of me and cast me aside.

"Emerson Bailey Sharpe, you listen to me, right now." Hen takes a step towards the girl. Emery keeps her eyes on the ground, embarrassed and ashamed of her actions towards Hen.

"You are not a burden and I sure as hell am not gonna cast you aside because of you going through shit." Hen speaks. "That's what family is for, right? Helping you through the tough times?"

Emeey's chest tightens and she lightly tugs at the collar of her sweatshirt. She inhales a shaky breath and forced her teary eyes on Hen's again. "I'm really sorry, Henrietta." Her voice breaks. "The shit that I've been having to deal with. It's no excuse for how I treated you. No excuse."

Hen let's out a small breath. "Well, if you did have an excuse. What would it be?"

Emery twists her necklace around her finger and bites her lower lip. "My dad's cancer is back..." she glances at the ceiling. "And he's not doing chemo."

Hen inhales a deep breath and waits for a moment. Emery looks down at her fuzzy socks, waiting for something—anything.

"Well, that's a pretty good excuse to be a shitty person."

Emery snaps her eyes over to Hen and the woman gives Emery a small smile. The curly-haired girl softly snorts. She definitely wasn't expecting that.

"Uh, no. Not really—"

"Yes really." Hen says. "You can't argue with me. That—That is a good reason."

"How can you say that? I brought up your biggest regret—"

"Yeah, it's a regret that Karen agrees with."

Emery's mouth drops and she cranes her neck forward. "I'm sorry?"

"Yeah..." Hen rubs the back of her neck. "I told Karen about our fight and she said you had a point."

Emery slaps her hand over her mouth. She wasn't going to laugh. Do not laugh...

A small chuckle comes from Emery's lips. Hen raises her brows, "Seriously?—"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I told my brain not to laugh!" Emery holds her hands up.

"I will admit, it wasn't cool of me to try and become Lieutenant the second after you did." Hen folds her arms. "You deserved your recognition and I'm sorry I tried to take that from you."

"It's just...I feel like you are becoming this amazing, strong, and independent woman and you weren't gonna need me anymore." Hen admits. Emery takes her hand from her mouth and raises her brows. "I was just trying to catch up with you."

Emery slightly opens her mouth, "Hen. I--you are a firefighter and paramedic." She chuckles. "You're everything that I look up to. Without you at the 118, paving the way first. I don't know what this station would look like."

"You taught me to go after what I want." Emery bunches her shoulders. "And, so did my mom."

"Yeah, your mom is kind of scary."

"She is scary." Emery nods and softly laughs. She rolls her lips into her mouth and looks at the ground. "So, are we okay?" She then looks back at Hen.

Hen let's out a breath. "Can we...take this slow?"

Emery nods her head. "Yeah, of course." She folds her hands. "I...I'm good with slow."

"Oh, thank god!"

Emery and Hen turn to the door and see Karen holding Denny in her arms. "When did she get here?"

"The real question is, are you okay? Because how come you didn't see her?" Hen looks back at Emery. The curly-haired girl snorts and shrugs her shoulders. "My perception is sometimes really off."

...

Emery had her hands stuffed into her corduroy jacket. A tight feeling was in her chest and her throat was constricting. The air was still, but chilly. It wasn't chilly enough to wear a jacket, but being here all by herself; made her entire body freezing.

Emery crouches to the ground and shakily breathes. "Hey, baby..." she sits on the dewy grass, wetting her sweatpants. "I'm sorry, I haven't visited lately."

"It just...it still hurts." Emery sniffles. She cleans the leaves off the headstone. She looks at Helena's headstone for a moment.

In loving memory
Helena Patel-Sharpe
Dec. 19. 1990 - July 26. 2013
Beloved Wife, Daughter, & Friend.

"Do you remember that conversation we had...about moving on?" Emery whispers. "I always told you not to talk like that."

"But, you told me that if you ever were to die...you would want me to be happy." Emery runs a thumb across the marble headstone and she exhales. "Then I said that I'd only agree to it if you agreed to it as well."

"Well, I met someone." Emery bunches her shoulder and chuckles, tears burning her eyes. "It's...scary."

"Because I haven't felt like this since...you." Emery laughs. "Which is kind of funny since I dated someone before Buck."

Emery then nods, "Right—the guy I like...his name is Evan. But everyone calls him Buck." She wipes her eyes. "He's an idiot."

"A sweet idiot." Emery snorts. "And I tried to ignore these feelings for him for a long time. Seriously. But, I don't know..." she covers her eyes. "I came here to tell you that..."

Her voice gets caught in her throat and it starts to get hard for her. Emery looks at the night sky, her eyes shifting around the star-filled sky. A small sob escapes her lips and she looks back at her headstone.

"You will always be my girl."

"But, I have to...move on." Emery slowly nods her head, a tear running down her face. "I love you...so much."

"Please know that—please." Emery tries to catch her breath through her cries. Emery knocks on the headstone four times.

And with those long-awaited words, Emery felt a weight lifts off her shoulders and she felt lighter.

━━━━━━━━━━

author's note.

Buck realizes his feelings for Emery and notices the small things about her in season two. But that doesn't hit Emery until like season 4 y'all. That's only because she goes THROUGH IT in season 3 hehehe🤭

Also, Emery growing as a person makes me SOOOO HAPPY!!!

AND AND—WE'RE ALMOST DONE WITH SEASON TWO!!!!

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