Let Go.

Chapter twenty two , Good. Not Great

a/n : this chapter is the second episode of season one. I put this episode off since it's important to the development of Emery and Buck's relationship.

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"So, you guys are really not dating?"

Maddie pushes her food around, her eyes avoiding Emery as much as possible. The brunette knew that as soon as she met Emery's eyes, the girl would figure the truth out. And Maddie was not ready for that yet. Emery huffs, "You're no fun." She takes a bite out of her French Toast.

Maddie smirks, "I'll make a deal with you..."

Emery raises her brows, interested. "I'm listening."

"I'll tell you about Chim and I, if you tell me who gave you those hickeys."

Emery's heart drops into her stomach and her face gets hot. "Wh-what?" She slaps her hands over her neck. "What hickeys?"

"I'll give you a hint, they're not on your neck." Maddie arches a brow.

Emery's mouth hangs open. Maddie takes a bite out of her salad, "Next time, you shouldn't wear a v-neck shirt if you've been getting busy."

Emery snaps her eyes down to her chest and sees a hickey on her collarbone. There were two more across her chest.

"Okay, 1. Who says that? "Getting busy"? And 2. I didn't know he—"

"Aha! So, they're a he!" Maddie points her fork at the girl. Emery looks away from Maddie. "Shit."

"Shit is right, Emerson Sharpe. You've been caught, now spill." Maddie tilts her head.

Emery rolls her lips into her mouth. She couldn't tell Maddie that she was sleeping with her brother. Especially since everyone knows that they don't like each other. It would involve so much explaining and Emery wouldn't be able to do that without feeling embarrassed.

"Uh, okay..." Emerson clears her throat. She takes a sip of her water. "The he is..."

"Wait, wait." Maddie starts. "Does the he have a penis?"

Emery scratches her neck. Maddie would die if she knew she was talking about Buck. "Uh, y-yes..."

"Okay. Now what's his name?"

"I can't tell you that." Emery winces.

Maddie's jaw drops, "Emerson Bailey Sharpe—"

"Look, he and I. We agreed to keep it a secret. That means no one knows. Except for he and I, of course."

Maddie slumps in her chair and folds her arms. "Well, then what else can you tell me about him?"

Anything I tell you would be weird to share, since it's about it your brother. A crease forms between Emery's brows. "Well, he's...you know..." she waves a hand, trying to find a word that wasn't weird."

Maddie raises her brows, "He's good? The best you've ever had?"

Emery doesn't reply she just grabs her water and takes a big gulp. Maddie's face drops, "Oh My God—you are mesmerized by this guy."

"No—no!" Emery emphasizes. "Not romantically, at least. It's strictly sex."

Maddie frowns and nods her head. "No feelings?"

"No feelings."

"What about the mystery guy? Does he have feelings?" Maddie raises her brows.

Emery snorts, "Absolutely not."

"How do you know?" Maddie asks.

Emery shrugs, "I just do."

Maddie then squints her eyes, "Did he tell you? Did you ask him?"

Emery's shoulders then slowly sag. "Well, no, but..." she pulls her brows together. "A guy can call you beautiful during sex and it still be strictly sex, right?"

Maddie cranes her neck forward. "Oh, Em..." she shakes her head. "No."

"No?" Emery whines.

Maddie presses her lips together and shakes her head once again. Emery then frowns, the crease between her brows deepening. Emerson and Buck have shared over a thousand times how much they didn't like one another. So, she never felt the need to ask or think too much about the feelings aspect on either side. Maybe that was her first mistake.

Emery goes to lay her head on the table, but Maddie holds her hand out; catching Emery's head. Maddie presses her lips together and lets out a satisfied sigh, "My work here is done."

...

During her entire shift, Emery would observe Buck. Make sure he wasn't trying to steal glances when he thought she wasn't looking. God, that breakfast with Maddie had her all kinds of paranoid. What if Buck did develop feelings? Then this wasn't a mutual benefit thing anymore. She was just using him and his feelings weren't being reciprocated. And now she was feeling bad for Buck. The world has truly gone insane.

Emery was now standing on the middle of the ladder while Buck was at the top, near the rollercoaster with civilians hanging upside down from it.

"Buck, we came in at the wrong angle!"

Buck frowns, "Really? I don't think so."

Emery rolls her eyes, "I'm right. Stop trying to debate about this." She clicks her radio and speaks into it. "Captain? Are we too far off?"

"Yeah, you two came in at the wrong angle."

Emery looks back at Buck with an arched brow. Buck then rolls his eyes and scoffs. "Yeah—whatever." Emery swipes her tongue across her lower lip, and thinks. "Okay, you can climb up there and harness him in, then you can hang tight while they move the truck."

Buck nods his head, he looks back at the man hanging from the handle bar of the roller coaster. Emery then tilts her head, "Are you okay to handle that? If not, we can get someone else to—"

"While I appreciate your concern, Emi. I'm good." Buck meets Emery's serious brown eyes. "Thanks, though." He winks.

Emery nods her head. Buck then raises his brows, "Besides, it'll be cool having you watch me do this Daredevil hero stuff. It's what I signed up for."

Emery slightly opens her mouth. "You've got some confidence. Just do the job and then I'll show you how cool I thought you were later." She then smirks which causes Buck's heart to jump into his throat.

His jaw goes slack, then he closes his mouth and swallows. "Y-Yeah, I'm gonna go now—totally going now." He eagerly climbs up the ladder.

Emery climbs down the ladder and stands on the fire engine with her fellow firefighters. They all watch as Buck makes his way over to the man that was holding into the bars of the roller coaster.

Then all of their radios click. "Bobby, he's asking about his friend."

Bobby looks over at Chimney and Hen, he then speaks into the radio. "Chimney, it's Captain, you copy?"

"Copy, Captain. What do you need?"

"How's the kid on the ground?" Bobby asks.

"We lost him."

"All right, I don't need the people up there seeing that." Bobby voices. "So, do me a favor...he survived, right? Put him on a gurney. You know the drill."

"Copy that."

Emery looks back up at the scene with the civilians in the roller coaster. Bobby looks at Emery, "We need to get the rig into a better position."

Emery nods her head, "On it." She climbs down the top of the fire engine and rounds it. "Probie!"

Tom turns from Eddie and looks at Emerson. She motions her head for him to follow her and he complies. Emery gets into the driver's seat and Tom gets into the passenger's seat. Tom looks over at the girl and watches as she drives the truck. "So, when do I get to drive?"

"Do you still get called Probie, Probie?" Emery inquires.

"Yes, I do."

"Then, once you stop being called Probie." Emery nods.

"I...I heard that you called Buck that up until like a few months ago. But that's not true, is it?" Tom chuckles.

"I don't know, Probie, is it?" Emery then glances at him with a mischievous smirk. Tom's smile drops and he looks straight forward. He was never going to drive the fire truck. Emery gets the fire truck in a better position and she parks it. She gets out of the truck and looks up at the roller coaster once again. A worried firms finds her lips and Tom notices. "What? Is something wrong?"

Emery slowly shakes her head. "Normally, Buck finishes a rescue like this within 29 minutes."

"Well, not all cases are the same, right?" Tom tries to reassure the girl. Emery glances at Tom and slowly nods her head. "Right." She forces a small smile, but there was still worry embedded deep in her chest. Something's wrong.

"Come on, Buck..." Emery whispers.

She watches as Buck reaches his hand out to the man. There was an agonizing long minute when everything went silent. Then Devon let go of the roller coaster, dropping to his death.

☆

The day until sunrise was quiet. Buck was quiet. Emery was going to admit, she was worried about him. In a co-workers with benefits kind of way. Emery was at the counter eating a jar of olives with a fork, her eyes glued to Buck. He was sitting at the kitchen table with his eyes on his mug.

Chimney places a plate of food in front of Buck.

"I'm not hungry." Buck voices.

"This is America, Buckaroo." Chimney states. "Eating has nothing to do with being hungry. I mean, look at Emerson."

Emery slows her chewing and holds up a hand. "Uh, what the fuck's that supposed to mean?"

"Why are you eating those olives?" Chimney sighs with his arms folded.

Emery snorts, "Because olives are good."

"Are you full?"

"I mean, not necessarily." Emery shrugs. "I'm just waiting for my plate."

"You can have mine." Buck lightly pushes the plate away from him. Emery raises her brows, "Thanks—"

Bobby holds a hand out to Emery, telling her not to eat the food. She pouts her lip and goes back to eating her olives.

"Man, I was right there."

Everyone looks at the boy.

"All he had to do was reach up and grab my hand." Buck says.

"People do funny things at times like that." Chimney makes his way over to the table. Bobby holds plate out to Emerson and she grabs it. Emery grabs her jar of olives as well and walks over to the table. "Sometimes people freeze." She states.

"I've never lost anyone before." Buck says.

Emery looks at Buck with her brows raised. That's what was different. Even though losing someone was always hard, there was a look in Buck's eyes like he's never experienced it before.

"Does it get any easier?"

"No." Bobby answers from the kitchen.

"Look, people die, and that's part of the gig, right?" Chimney speaks. "See, your problem is, you're looking at every job like it's a long-term relationship. They're one-night stands, man."

Emery's mouth hangs open as Chimney continues to speak.

"In that moment, they mean everything to you, but once the morning comes...it's on to the next one."

Chimney smiles, as if he gave the greatest advice known to man. Then Emerson flicks his ear. Chimney yelps in pain and clutches his ear. "That analogy was terrible!" She then looks at Buck. "But it was also kind of true."

"Do you have any advice?" Buck's blue eyes meet hers. Emery gnaws on her lower lip, "I can't think of any." She lies. The girl inhales a breath, "Where the hell is Probie?"

"Hanging out with his new mentor." Chimney voices.

Emery knits her brows together, "What's that supposed to me—"

Then Emery hears Tom's voice from downstairs. She stands up and makes her way over to the railing and looks down at the lower level. She sees Eddie timing Tom on rolling up the hose. Emery's eyes widen, "Yo, Diaz!"

Eddie turns to Emery. She throws her arms up, "You trying to steal my Probie? I'll fight you!"

"No need for fighting, Emerson." Bobby says. "Everyone can give the kid some pointers, all right?"

Emery wrinkles her nose. "I...I guess." She folds her arms. The girl's attention then lands on the two women walking up the stairs and her face lights up.

"I hope y'all don't mind some company to family dinner." Hen voices. Emery snorts, "Captain, why is Hen inviting your fiancé to family dinners?"

"Because it's a nice surprise." Hen states.

"A nice surprise indeed." Bobby walks over to Athena and kisses her. Eddie and Tom run up the stairs, joining family dinner. Athena notices Buck's silence and she pulls her brows together. "And what's got you in a mood?"

"Buck here is having a little trouble moving on from a call that didn't go his way." Bobby states.

"You know why they make us wear these uniforms, right?" Athena questions. "Cops, firefighters, and paramedics?"

"Uh...sex appeal?"

Emery giggles, "Valid answer."

"So people can easily identify us." Buck answers.

"Both true." Athena nods. "But it's also for our own good. Because when we take the uniform off at the end of the day it symbolizes letting go of all of the sad, crazy, inhumane things we've seen that day."

"I see his face every time I close my eyes." Buck says. "That happen to you guys?"

The entire table falls silent. Emery peels her eyes away from Buck and goes back to eating, not wanting to be in this conversation. She understood that Buck needed some assurance and advice. But it hurt too much to even think about.

"It'll pass." Athena answers.

Then the alarm in the station blares. Emery drops her fork and stands up. "Athena, always a pleasure." She kisses Athena's cheek and runs down the stairs.

...

"You look like a Dalmatian."

Buck finishes spraying the fire and he looks at her. "What?"

"A Dalmatian." She cranes her neck forward. "Do you know what a Dalmatian is?"

Buck huffs, "Uh, yeah, I do. Thanks."

Emery frowns, "It wasn't a compliment—dude." She slumps her shoulders. "I was trying to insult you."

"You were? Uh, sorry."

Emery presses her lips into a firm line. "Okay, Buck." She drops her fire hose and places her hands on her hips. "I know this things got you hesitant about your skills as a firefighter." Emery then wipes her face. "But, you also have to know that you did do everything you could."

"Did I?" Buck questions. "I mean, there's always something more that can be done."

Emery bites the inside of her cheek. "Not always." She shakes her head. "Sometimes it's out of our control."

Emery sighs, "And if you really have a problem with everyone complimenting you and telling you, you did a good job...say something about it."

Buck pulls his brows together. He never once mentioned he had a problem about people saying those things. Did she notice that by herself?

"I don't understand why people are patting me on the back." Buck looks at the day sky. "I honestly just want to scream back at them."

"Why don't you?" Emery shrugs, a smile on her lips.

Buck chuckles, "You wouldn't."

"True, but then again. I'm not you." Emery replies. "I mean, people died, Buck. You had to watch them die. Tell people to show respect, because some can't come to that conclusion themselves."

"And believe it or not..." Emery scratches above her brow. "There are some people who actually take these kinds of moments as opportunities to make that decision. There are some people who just...don't want to be saved."

Buck pulls his brows together. Emery was obviously talking from experience. "Uh, thanks for talking to me, Em."

Emery wrinkles her nose, "Don't get used to it." She points at him. "I sure as hell won't."

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Emery was sitting on her couch with a bowl of popcorn and her eyes glued to the tv screen. She laughed loudly as the cartoon played. "SpongeBob just gets funnier when you're older." Emery sighs. She tosses some of the popcorn into her mouth. The sound of the doorknob of the front door jiggles.

Emery pulls her brows together and slowly turns to the door. "Oh god..." she sets the popcorn on the table and stands up. Emery sprints over to the door and grabs the bat leaning against the wall. She raises the bat as the door pushes open. Emery then hears two girls laughing. She goes to swing the bat, until she hears a familiar voice. Her sister.

Emery then hides the bag behind her back as the door closes. Amaya and Toni turn to the girl. "Em, hey!"

Emery plasters on a smile, "Hi—what's up, you guys?"

"Whatcha got there?" Amaya points at the bat.

Emery frowns and bunches her shoulders. "I don't—I don't know."

"It's a baseball bat." Toni answers.

Emery squints her eyes, "What the hell—don't you have a kid to look after?"

Toni nods her head, she goes back into the hallway and rolls in a stroller. Emery purses her lips, "Did you know I was gonna be home?"

Amaya slightly opens her mouth, "Well, not entirely..."

Emery's eyes slightly widen but she keeps a smile on her phone. "So, you were just going to bring this adorable infant into the apartment without consulting me?"

Amaya and Toni look at each other.

"I-I can go." Toni says.

"No." Amaya holds a hand out to her girlfriend. "Emery, can I talk to you?"

Emery and Amaya go into the bathroom. The eldest Sharpe sister folds her arms. "Amaya—"

"I know it wasn't cool of me to bring her here without asking. Especially with her kid." Amaya sighs. "Toni and I haven't had time together, so we decided to watch Emmett here."

"The kid's name is Emmett?" Emery questions.

"Yeah, it was like the closest masculine name to Emery." Amaya smiles.

Emery slightly opens her mouth. "What? She named her kid a-after me?" Her eyes then get teary. "Okay, okay, wait. Before I start letting you off the hook, I have to ask..." she presses her hands together and inhales a small breath.

"What happened to Charlie?" Emery asks.

Amaya's eyes sadden, "It didn't work out, all right?"

Emery tilts her head, "Maya..."

"They liked you." Amaya sighs and covers her eyes out of embarrassment. Emery blinks, "Uh, sorry—what?"

Amaya sputters her lips, "Charlie liked you and only dated me to get close to you."

"No, they did not."

"They did too."

Emery closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose. "God, Amaya..." she opens her eyes and hugs her little sister. "I'm sorry, I'm so hot."

Amaya scoffs, "Oh, My God!" She lightly shoves Emery back. Emery laughs which causes Amaya to laugh. "I'm gonna go out. You three can stay here, and if you need anything call me, okay?"

Amaya presses her lips into a small smile. "Thanks, Em."

Emery purses her lips and smiles. She touches Amaya's chin, "Yeah, anything for you, kiddo." Emery then claps her hands. "Now let me go see my mini me before I go." She quickly leaves the bathroom.

Amaya slightly opens her mouth, "Please don't call Emmett your mini you..."

...

Emery's eyes meet Buck's as soon as he opened the door. "This is kind of risky, you know that, right?" She steps into the house. "I mean, you don't even have a bed."

"It's an air mattress." Buck corrects. "Besides, Maddie's not here right now."

Emery lets out a small breath and her body begins to relax. Normally, she would ask more questions; make sure this was 100% fool proof. But as of late, Emery hasn't been worried about the specific details of things. Was she living on the edge? Absolutely not. But she was letting loose.

Emery takes her jacket off and hangs it on the rack. She sets her bag on the coffee table and turns to Buck. He walks over to Emery and cups her face before pulling her into a hasty kiss. Emery kisses him back and she grips the shirt at his waist. Buck's hands move to Emery's thighs and he hooks his arms under her legs, lifting her up. She locks her ankles around his waist. Buck walks over to the couch and lays her down.

Emery didn't mind where they had sex. But the thing was Buck always wanted to go to the bed. But this time it was different. She didn't want to think too much into it, but she knew there was something more to the situation. Even from the way Buck kissed her neck like he was in a hurry made the girl weary.

Emery opens her mouth to say something but Buck kisses her neck and she quietly shivers. She really wanted this right now.

I hate being a thoughtful person sometimes.

"Hey, Buck?"

A small hum escapes his lips and he runs his rings up and down her arm. She quietly whines, not wanting this to end. "Do you have something...bothering you?" Please say no, please say no...

"I'm good." Buck says into her neck.

Emery smiles, but she pulls her brows together. "Not great?"

"What?" Buck pulls his lips away from Emery and she sighs.

"You usually say 'I'm great.' Not 'I'm good'." Emery states.

Buck pulls his brows together. "You noticed that?"

Emery shrugs a shoulder, "I guess..." she looks to the side. "So, I'm gonna ask again...are you okay?" She looks back at him.

Buck searches Emery's eyes. The girl notices his distant facade start to crack and his eyes start to shake. "I haven't been sleeping..." he sits up and leans his back against the arm of the couch. Emery sits up and presses her back against the opposite arm of the couch. She crosses her legs and listens to him.

"I can't stop thinking about Devon." Buck shakes his head. "Maybe if I just grabbed him myself, instead of just waiting for him...he would still be here." His eyes were trained on his fidgeting hands.

"Have you tried the grief counselor?" Emery asks. "I mean, she could help."

Buck raises his brows, "Well, I mean, she was helping me...until she wasn't."

Emery knits her brows together and tilts her head to the side. Buck tenses, but he lets out a small breath. "She kind of...made a move on me."

Emery stays still for a moment. She blinks, almost like she must've misheard. She definitely thought she misheard. "I'm sorry?"

"The...grief counselor she filled me on Facebook. That's how I noticed her, then she...kissed me and you know how the rest goes—"

"I don't know, actually." Emery presses her hands together. "Explain it to me like I'm a child. An incompetent child."

Buck blows air out of his mouth. "Okay, uh...she kissed me. I kissed her back, then we you know had sex."

Emery raises her brows, "Oh, wow." A small laugh escapes her lips. "So, that whole "no one else gets to touch you, but me" thing was just for me?" She tilts her head.

Buck pulls his brows together, "Mmm yeah, pretty much."

Emery quirks a brow. She wanted to curb stomp his fucking face in. But she inhales a deep breath and clenches her jaw. Buck was in a terrible place right now. A place that Emery was familiar with. She knew that he was in pain and he wanted to run away from that pain. And besides, their hook up deal was a "no feelings involved" thing. Emery doesn't (shouldn't) care.

Emery exhales a breath, "Okay, first off, she should be reported immediately."

Buck rolls his eyes and laughs. "Here we go—"

"Having sex with a patient, isn't okay, Buck. Whether it was consensual or not." Emery explains. "You were in a vulnerable position—sharing your deep thoughts that she was supposed to help you through. She took advantage of that." Emery holds her hands up. "So, I guess I'm gonna have to help you with those feelings."

Buck pulls his brows together. "No, you don't have to—"

"No, I am. Because I know how you feel." Emery sucks in a breath. Buck raises brows. Emery chews the inside of her lower lip. "Courtney Smith."

Buck looks at the girl, who's eyes were already on his. "What?"

"That's the name of the first person I ever lost." Emery states. "It was my first year as a firefighter." She scratches her neck.

"Wh-what happened? If you don't mind me asking."

Emery tilts her head to the ceiling and sighs softly. "She was at the top of a building...there was this video going around about her at her school and everyone was slut shaming her and just being complete assholes." She looks at the boy and inhales. "I...tried to talk her down and I thought that I got through to her, but she just looked at me and said 'I'm sorry'. Then she jumped." Her voice gets caught in her throat but she quickly clears it.

"Do you still think about her?" Buck whispers.

Emery raises her brows and sniffles. "Every day."

"How do you get through each day then?" Buck asks. "I feel like I can barely get out of bed."

Emery shrugs a shoulder. "You have to take it one step at a time, Evan."

Buck raises his brows from Emery calling him his first name. He didn't necessarily hate it.

"It's going to be hard. That goes without saying." Emery states. "And every time you think about who you lose it's going to hurt like hell. But, if you think that all the people you lose is your fault...you're never going to get out of that hole." Emery touches Buck's hand. "And I need you to get out of that hole, Buck."

Buck looks down at Emery's hand on his and tears well in his eyes. He looks at Emery and she presses her lips into a small smile. Buck knits his brows together and it's almost like he looked at Emery in a completely different way. His heart beat quickens and he feels his face grow hot. And not in the turned on kind of way. That freaks him out. He pulls his hand back and wipes his eyes.

"Thanks, Em."

Emery pats Buck's shoulder. "All in a day's work." She stands up from the couch. Emery grabs her purse from the table and Buck raises his brows.

"Wait, you're leaving?" Buck asks.

"After that? Hell yeah." Emery laughs softly. "I just don't think now is the right time to do this."

"I'll see you at work, Buck." Emery gives him a comforting smile before walking to the door. The girl stops in her tracks and turns to him. "Oh, and by the way..." she makes her way back over to him and leans down, her lips ghosting over his.

Buck's breathing hitches from the close proximity of the girl. He could smell the peppermint and lavender scent coming off of her. It caused heat to rush to his face and he was left with butterflies in his stomach.

"That "no one gets to touch you, but me rule"?" She tilts her head and smirks, her eyes flitting to his lips. "That goes both ways from now on, understand?"

Buck slightly opens his mouth, "Uh, y-yeah. I understand."

Emery looks back into his eyes and Buck didn't want to look away from her. She then stands up straight and chuckles, "Good, see ya." Emery walks back over to the door and exits the house.

Buck couldn't help but feel disappointed that Emery left. He actually wanted to sit around with Emery and talk. He wanted that butterfly like feeling to stay in his stomach. But it only happened when she was around.

What the fuck was going on?

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author's note.

Emery is going to have 2 Begins episodes and the first one is is next chapter 🤭

Also Buck is catching feelingssss

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