Alive
we wake up early
not that we really slept any
way, but we shower and
shave and put on our
dresses that we won't ever
wear again without
crying,
and we eat break
fast, numbly and with large
quantities of brown sugar
and cream, and we feel
very sophisticated, and we
laugh for a second
before remembering we probably shouldn't,
and we tie our hair up in thick
dutch braids,
panicking briefly because
my hair ties are mis
matched, but we
have everything but time
to panic,
so we invade the bathroom with our
lotions and potions, and
we put on our makeup but not
mascara because
we don't want black
tracks down our cheeks,
and you laugh at my gold
sparkly lip gloss and
flex with your earthy brown
matte lipstick,
but I stick with the gold
because I need some sparkle today
you tell me to bring it,
but instead I grab my
chapstick,
the vanilla one I peeled the wrapper off last
night. I polish
my flute with
a glasses cleaner be
cause I left my cleaning cloth at
home
and we bustle ourselves
into the car and panic again
about parking but
we park an hour early
and I go and get you a
trim flat white and myself
a hot chocolate which I drink there and
I bring you your coffee and
you drink it in the church and
some one
asks you, very nicely,
to please not drink in a jesus
building
so we put it in your bag but
it leaks over the tissues
so now we really can't cry
and the wife faints when she sees him
and I go numb and play
the flute and try
not to look at his yellow face or his
nose hair and
everyone tells me I was beautiful and
should stick with it
I just wish he'd stuck
with living
and he gets sprinkled
with holy water
and I get blessed
and talk to God in my head
I've never done that before
but I gave it a whirl
and then we all
drank black tea and white coffee and
ate sausage rolls and flaky
chocolate chip bikkies
and talked to the choir ladies and
admired the neon pink
winged shoes with
lights on the bottom and
we drove away and I
fell asleep thinking about
how I didn't want to load my
mum into a hearse ever
and I woke up and it was
raining and everyone had black
umbrellas and at this point
my life was basically a movie
and he got swallowed into the
ground and we threw
dirt on him and then
drove home and
tried not to get hypothermia
and packed out bags and ate
chocolate cake and I
burnt my tongue on my
second hot chocolate of the day and I
just don't
want
to
die

((hey. I wrote this on the day of my grandads funeral. I'm still alive. isn't that insane?))