you were white. you were pure. your essence clung to me like a man clings to a life boat. it captured me and refused to let go. it wrapped tightly around my neck, cutting off all circulation. it covered my eyes until all i could see was you. ignoring the rest of the world, i sat back and watched lifelessly as you absorbed all of my time and energy and attention until i was nothing but utterly captivated by you. 

but then, your white dove wings slowly melted away and there sprouted new wings; devil's wings. you were a demon in disguise and i was lured entirely by your sweet words that warped into poisonous jabs, your intoxicating love proving itself a forgery. your beauty was artificial, as were the words you told me. nothing was real. you used your glorious, angelic hands to mold me into a brand new person; someone i don't recognize. i can't figure out how to summon the person i was before meeting you; the happier, care-free version of me. it seems as though you are the start of my life, and the end of it. 

i hate the color white. when i see it, i think of you, and all that floods my senses is humiliation, repulsion, hate (not only towards you, but towards myself as well). 

i fell for you the first time i saw you. i only kept falling deeper and deeper the more i talked to you, spent time around you. looking back, i want to scream. i want to shout and warn myself about the future, but i can't. everything has spiraled out of my control and i cannot grasp the reality of things. 

or more so, i refuse to. 

i hate you. i do. you're the only person i have ever hated in my life. it's such an exhausting emotion, and i'm so tired of feeling it. you've wrecked me entirely and i can barely call myself a human anymore. i'm,, i'm a zombie. 

your zombie. 

are you proud of your creation?

-s.