hi, hello, 안녕. 

i've lost a lot of online friends. all of them for different reasons. so these next few chapters are going to be me gushing about the ones i miss. i'll do a section dedicated to my online friends, and then another dedicated to my irls. 

so here it is. 

⭐⭐⭐

HUTCH / HUNTER. 

i only knew you for four or five months, but we would always, always talk. not a day went by when we didn't talk, i think. you always made me smile and laugh, and i miss feeling like that everyday. with you, things were so easy. it was easy to talk to you. i miss the random questions you would ask me and how goofy they were. you were so pure. thank you for coming into my life, even for a short while. 

CARLEE / CEE. 

i remember the first time you ever talked to me. you asked me about my stray kids concert because you'd never been to a concert before. i told you everything about my experience, and after that, we hit it off. there were days when i wouldn't talk to you just because on those type of days, i don't usually reach out to anyone. i feel bad about that. if i had known you'd leave so suddenly, i would've seized the chance to talk to you in every waking moment. i'm sorry. 

NATHAN. 

i hope you're doing well. your life was hectic before you left. i hope your sister is okay and you guys are finally safe. i miss having our deep conversations at 4 am. i miss it when you would know what was wrong or why i was sad / angry / upset after i gave you a single text. you knew me so well, and i'm sad to know i lost a friend like that, a friend that could read my mind. i know i had to let it happen, though. i know what he would have done if i didn't let it happen. i miss you so much. 

ERI. 

you left fairly recently, and i'm still getting over that. it was sudden, but i'm glad i was able to squeeze in a goodbye. you never explained why you had to go, and that worries me. sometimes i'll read over our old conversations and just cry. it's a good cry, though. i miss your crackhead energy and i miss hearing about your hopes and dreams. i'm sorry about the last fight we had. you apologized so many times, but it wasn't your fault. the whole thing was a misunderstanding. the worst part of it all is i don't think i ever apologized to you. come back so i can. 

JULIE / JULIANA. 

i think this is the second time you've been mentioned in this book, haha. remember when we would have our late night calls? once we stayed up until 6 am and didn't even realize. all we were doing was talking. talking about school, about girls (mostly i was though, because girls are superior) and boys (mostly you because i don't even,, like boys lmao), about our futures. i remember one time you called me during a family gathering (it was a celebration cookout for my cousin's birthday). they were a little mad at me for calling someone while i was with family, but it didn't matter. i was just happy to talk to you. i miss your random calls and i miss your voice. thank you for being a great friend. 

LENA. 

a full year. we knew each other for a full year. and then you disappear. i should've expected it honestly, because you told me plenty of times you were going to leave. i really, really should have expected it. knowing that, it hurts me more that i didn't get to say goodbye. the last thing i said to you was "i hate you lmao," and the last thing you said to me was "i hate you too." we were joking around obviously, but i wish i said i love you or something. sometimes, i forget that you made this account for me and even made me an email for it (even though i had to change it cause you never gave me the password to the email. you're so silly). it's like a pattern. i'll forget, and then when i remember, i break down. i really miss you, probably more than anyone i listed. we went through a lot together. i hope you're doing okay. i love you, lena. 

GREM / GINNIE. 

you were one of my first friends when i got my wattpad account back. it was in august, i think. you showed me a kind heart and even though you were hurting so much (much more than i can imagine), you managed to be there for me. it's going to be hard knowing i'll never be able to play kindergarden on the ukulele for you over call. like i promised. it's going to be hard knowing i won't be able to call you at all anymore. it still breaks my heart knowing you're going through such a terrible time and that i can't even do anything about it. you tell me i helped you so much, that i deserve twice as much, but honestly? you've helped me in more ways than you think. you let me know that i'm not alone, that there is someone who, i thought, will always be there for me. without you, i think i'll be lonely. i think i'll be lonely without you. 

but for you, but for everyone, i'll manage. 💖

-s.