yes. 

i'm finally writing to you. 

this could be risky because i know you read this book. i know you'll see this. but maybe that's the whole point of this letter. even if you never see this, i'll be getting some of the heavy shit weighing in on my chest off and will finally be able to relax. breathe. 

i want to believe that you aren't entirely a mean person. you're just hurting — bad. and it's my fault that you're hurt. i never wanted to hurt you; never, ever was that my intention. i doubt you'd believe me if i told you, though. 

i guess i've just been feeling so guilty lately. especially since our last argument. i saw how vulnerable and wounded you were, even if you didn't want me to see it. it pains me to know i'm the cause of it. 

but in all honesty, you've hurt me too. why do you think i broke up with you? (if you can even call it a breakup, as we were never technically together in the first place.) you were, simply put, unhealthy for me. one of my friends even told me you are/were abusive. mentally, of course. i don't think you're capable of harming a fly, let alone an entire person. 

i wanted to stay friends. i wanted to keep in touch. because i still love you, really. we'd grown up together, we shared so many moments that i will never forget. i care about you. 

i learned recently, though, that you're upset because i don't love you the way you want me to. i'm not there to ease your pain in a non-platonic way anymore. so now, i don't know what you want me to do. at this point, there's nothing i can do. maybe give you some time to think. but it's hard for me to do that, and i can't figure out why. 

i'm hoping you see this. i won't lie. i hope you see this so we can talk about everything. and by everything, i mean from 3rd grade to the present. find the source of this disaster. 

i nearly called you yesterday. before i did that, i texted my stepmom and she told me calling you would be a bad idea and that i should wait. 

but... wait for what? 

wait for you to stop hating me? 

i think i've hurt you so bad that, i don't know, you permanently hate me now. 

of course, i don't know the truth in that. 

i hope our relationship can heal eventually. i can't afford to lose you. 

-s.