༺ FIFTY ༻

I didn't feel like seeing my family yesterday, after I told Vince my weight. Makes me feel kind of bad, but I know that if I would've seen Sonya and Newt's faces, I would've started sobbing.

After a good night of sleep, I do ask them inside. Just my siblings. Not my parents yet.

Mary gave me some food this morning. Said it was optional to eat, so I only took the blueberries. Not much, but something.

All the things that happened have taken my mind off Thomas so far, so that's good. Though that sharp pain in my chest will stay for what feels like forever.

"Hi," I tell Sonya quietly when she walks in, closing the door behind her.

"Hey." She manages a smile and sits down beside me.

"Newt's not here."

"You must be Sherlock." Sonya rolls her eyes. "He was busy."

Okay, I'm interested. And this is breaking the ice. I don't want to talk about the sad things immediately. "Busy doing what?"

"Eh." She rubs her nose. "You're not going to like it."

"Yell at Thomas?"

"...perhaps," she peeps. I pull a face. "I don't know! He said he was going to have a word with him but as he said that, he was somewhat freaking out from the news of you in the hospital. For sure was angry."

"Well, at least it'll be easier for me to get over him if his face got ruined by Newt." I tilt my head. "Kidding, I don't want Newt to beat Thomas up. And Newt won't do that to his friend."

"I hope," Sonya says.

I bite my lip. "We won't blame Thomas, alright? We can't let Newt blame him either. It's not his fault I'm here."

"But maybe the breakup caused you to—"

I shake my head. "We're not going to blame Thomas," I say again.

I'm not blaming him, at least. Yesterday... I just got upset he told Mom and Dad about my laxatives. It felt like he was just trying to make things worse, while maybe he only wanted to help. Maybe. I hope.

I just want him back. Have him there to comfort me. Lie in his arms. Get fingers running through my hair.

But he's gone. I wonder if he even knew I'm in the hospital before Newt showed up.

I kind of hope he did.

But mostly I hope that he'll show up and give a good explanation, if that one even exists.

"It's weird," Sonya then says. "You're lying in a hospital bed but you're full on talking and everything."

"Newt could also talk when he was in the hospital, Sonya. Everyone can unless they're in a coma or asleep."

"I know. But I mean... you seem happy enough. Well, if I put it like that it sounds weird. But you know what I mean."

"I've got a secret to tell you." I lean closer.

Her eyes get bigger and she nods, prepared.

My lips move to her ear. And then I almost yell the words, "I'm as happy as a slaughtered pig."

Sonya yelps. She jumps back, holding her ear. "Ow! There was no need to scream that!"

"But since Thomas left, I've barely screamed."

Okay, I think they put a drug in these wires because what am I saying?

"Ew!" Sonya shakes her head. "Never ever say something like that again, Rose!"

I smile. Then the smile turns into a chuckle and I'm soon laughing into my pillow.

"I bet they put drugs in these!" I hold my arm up once I've recovered.

"Yes, it does look sound that."

I let out another laugh. "Ah, I missed things like this."

"Laughing in a hospital bed?"

"Just laughing," I say. I sit straighter up so I can take my plate. "Hungry?"

She stares at the food. A sandwich with yogurt next to it. "No. That's for you."

"I've eaten the blueberries."

"That's not a lot. You should at least take the yoghurt."

I shake my head. "You have it. I feel like throwing up after the berries already." Then I scoff. "Ha, I feel like throwing up."

Sonya pulls another face, but she eventually takes the sandwich and starts taking bites off it. "I don't know much about all of this. Mind explaining a bit about your experience?"

"Get the tissues."

"What?"

"Kidding." And I explain the less triggering things. Just about my diets, a bit about the laxatives, and the constant thinking about food.

"I always think about food too. Just in another way."

I laugh again. "Good. You should."

Then we're silent for a while. Sonya eats the sandwich as I trail my eyes over the room like I've been doing the whole day already.

"I've always found you very beautiful," she suddenly says.

From surprise, my head snaps toward her.

"I mean it," Sonya adds. "And I know you'll be able to recover."

A sadder smile forms on my face. I nod, a lump in my throat. "Thank you, Nya."

✵

Mary says that if I do well these two weeks in the hospital, I could attempt to try things at home.

So I am really trying.

"I give up," I say.

"A few more bites and you're done," she assures. "Focus on the taste."

"It's bitter. Hm... a bit salty. The maker must've spilled some of their tears in this while making it, knowing it tastes horrendous."

"Stop acting like you've even taken one bite."

I sigh. Stare at the yoghurt I got this morning. Just a small bowl. No berries. "I want the berries."

"You've only eaten the berries from the meals you get."

"But that's also food."

"Yes, but not enough. Try to eat the yoghurt, alright?"

I sigh again. Move the spoon around a bit, then finally take a small bit of it in my mouth. "Mary, oh my gosh. Wow."

She raises an eyebrow.

"It's disgusting."

And exhales.

It feels so wrong. I've been covering my nervousness with jokes and everything, but eating this is the worst. I'll eventually gain weight.

I take a few more bites. Small ones.

This morning, Vince came to his conclusions after looking through my answers and weight from two days ago.

I have a purging disorder. One of the many kinds of eating disorders. It's not bulimia because I don't binge eat before I throw up.

Mary smiles at me. "You're doing great. Any plans for today? Because you're not locked up in here either."

"Not yet," I say.

I'm not allowed to go to ballet or work, though. So there's not much for me to visit. Maybe I'll ask Aris and Teresa. Might check up on Minho.

The thoughts only make me sadder. I sniff. "I'm done eating."

Mary takes a look at the small bowl. I've eaten half of it. I can't do more right now. This is overwhelming me already.

"What if I tell you I need to pee?"

Mary sighs, exhausted from my tries by now. "No going to the bathroom for at least an hour and a half after eating. You know that."

"I do." I look down, fidget with my hands. "It's just hard."

"That's alright." Her warm hand sends comfort over my cold one. "You're allowed to find it difficult. But keep pushing."

I nod.

"But," she continues, "I've been thinking about something that might help. In your first week, it can complete the tasks you're not able to do."

My eyebrows move up.

"An NG tube."

"Wow," I gasp. "That's a lovely idea, Mary. Really. Unfortunately, I'm going to refuse."

"Rose, you can try."

"That thing goes from my nose all the way to my stomach!" My voice is suddenly more high-pitched at the thought. "Just push it inside my nose while I'm wide awake and sitting on my bed! Never!"

"It'll provide you of the food you refuse to eat. It's a really good helper to begin with. To get you started."

"I'm not having a tube shoved down my throat and into my stomach," I tell her again. "Never in my life."