༺ TWENTY ༻

My pants don't fit anymore.

One part of me is sad about it, another part is filled with satisfaction when the material keeps slipping off my waist.

And as someone who can't easily throw things away, I still have my old pants in a drawer. My eight grade pants fit, which I can't deny makes me feel even more satisfied.

The only thing I don't like is that it's skinny jeans. I'm afraid it'll show off how much weight I lost in such a small amount of time, and that my family will start worrying.

Anyway— it's about a week after Thomas and I started (secretly) dating, and my mood can't be ruined. Every time I remember I can just walk to his house and kiss him, happiness grows to the maximum limit.

I'd say my diet is fine, too. I can no longer really feel hunger, so I'm sure it's fine. I chug water down my throat on all ballet days, and the two days I don't dance, I do eat dinner and lunch.

So far, I haven't gotten the urge to use the laxative pills. The number on the scale is dropping more by the day, though it's going slower than before. It opens an annoying itch in the pit of my stomach, but I assure myself it's fine like this, too. Who knows what unhealthy things those pills contain?

T <3

Parents aren't home tonight
Wanna come over??

And play hide and seek? Sure !
Except we have burger day today. It's highly necessary for all family members to be there, unless we have a very good reason... any ideas?

"Teresa got an ingrown toenail and needs my help."

I let out an audible laugh.

Unfortunately, I can't put Thomas's full name in my contacts, because it'll cause suspicions. Now it just looks like I'm texting Teresa.

Or you could come over?
Ask Newt if he can hang out, and he'll invite ya :)

But then I can't kiss you.
Which I desperately need to do

Pretend you're going home but actually sneak in my room. We'll see how you escape.. smart, right?

Sure, Blondie. You're a real genius

Smarter than Thomas Edison and Isaac Newton!!

Not Rosalind Franklin?

She's a female. I can only be smarter than male scientists, who I'm convinced aren't as smart as everyone thinks.

Should've seen that one coming

:)
See ya, tonight  ❤︎︎

❤️❤️

I walk down the stairs with my phone still in my hands, attempting to hide my smile. I already saw Thomas at work today, so it's awesome to see him again.

"There you are." Mom happily greets me. "Just on time." And she slides the plate full of cookies over the table.

Mom loves to bake. Most of the time, we have either cupcakes, brownies, or cookies at home. We don't eat all of them on our own, but she always lets us try at least one.

"Oh, I already ate a lot at work." No matter how bad I feel, I shake my head at the food. Snacks aren't included in my diet.

Disappointment fills her eyes, but she smiles.
"Alright. Let me know when you do want one."

I nod, ignoring the hollow feeling in my stomach and especially ignoring it when I hear it grumble after I looked at the cookies for a little too long.

Mom gives me a cookie with a sweeter, realer smile. "Come on. You're hungry, Rose. Just one."

I take a bite. The food is like an explosion on my tongue, and it feels awesome to have something in my mouth after such a long time. Yet I know I'll be trying the laxative pills for the first time after this.

Just do it to please Mom, I keep repeating in my head.

"They're really good," I compliment, nodding.

Her smile stays, but the worry in her eyes increases. "Love, maybe we should calculate your BMI or something. Your legs... they're like..." she looks down at them.

I for real can't tell if she means they're too skinny or too fat. I really can't. Because I find them fat, while Aris keeps saying it's fine when I mutter a quiet apology about them.

I know other girls at ballet find them fat. Janson finds them fat. I find them fat. That's more than ten people. Henry might find them fat.

"No!" My voice cracks. Taken aback, Mom watches me, and I swallow away the shock. "No- I'm fine, really."

I don't want her to know about the rapid weight loss.

"Still," she says, taking my arm. "Come on, we'll just weigh you and check if those ballet rules aren't too strict."

Panic makes my chest tighten. "Mom, I—"

"It'll only take a minute," she continues.

"Can I at least go to the bathroom before?" I urge fast, overwhelmed.

"Yeah, of course. I'll wait outside."

I run upstairs, Mom following behind in a slower pace. Soon, I've got the bathroom door locked and I'm chugging water like my life depends on it.

It kind of feels like it does.

One glass after the other, no matter how much it hurts my stomach or how many tears spring in my eyes.

Water is weight, the internet told me. Never drink water before weighing yourself.

"Almost done?" Mom calls. "Because apparently, Newt invited Thomas over for burger night. He'll be here soon."

I'm mentally cheering and grinning for many reasons as I open the door. "Done."

Mom takes the scale that I've stood on multiple times a day these past weeks, and motions for me to stand on it again.

Praying it worked, I walk onto it.

She weighs me. Slowly, the tension in her face vanishes and she gives me another sweet smile. "Your weight is perfectly fine."

Honestly, now that I've drank that much water, I don't feel dizzy or hungry anymore. "Yeah, of course." I smile. "Thomas was coming, you said?"

"Yup. Eatin' dinner, too."

"That's a nice surprise," I say, grinning at myself. 

Indeed. A few minutes later, the doorbell rings and it takes me everything to nod rush to open the door and kiss him and cling around him.

Instead, Newt opens the door and greets Thomas with one of those bro hugs.

I'm the last one he greets. Just a "Hi, Rose", but he's smirking as he says it.

Dad makes the burgers while Newt and Thomas start playing a video game, and I try not to stare like a creep because Thomas looks. So. Bloody. Good.

I cross my legs, my phone back in my hands, and pretend to scroll as all I'm doing is really just blush every time Thomas happens to brush his elbow against mine.

"Just so you know," he leans closer, "your phone is off."

Oh, well.

Luckily, the embarrassment fades quickly when Dad calls us for dinner, and we're all eating.

Yes, I am, too. I hate the feeling of all the oil in my mouth and feel like every single time I swallow another two pounds enters, but I decide to just use the laxative pills. It's for both the cookie and this dinner. Two birds with one stone. It'll be perfect.

And hopefully, my body will be perfect. Someday.

"So, Thomas." Dad looks up. "How're you?"

"Good." Thomas nods. "Haven't got a lot going on, but everything is great."

Newt starts talking about how he likes the kids he's working with at his study for being a teacher, and Sonya mentions her friends and cheerleading.

"And you?" Thomas turns to me as if I'm not FaceTiming him everyday to inform him about my life.

I shrug. "Well, you know how it is at work, and ballet is going well."

A few seconds of silence falls. I swallow away the last bits of my burger, then decide I've got enough food for the night. I feel like I'll go crazy if the scale number goes up.

"I still have stretches to do," I say after dinner, when the desserts are in front of my eyes. "Could I go?"

Soon, I find myself sitting in a split as I take more laxative pills than the package tells me to take. The calories just have to be gone.

I struggle to keep my mind at stretching by it. I'm so lost in thoughts of food and calories and the scale that I don't realize there's always one person who I can think of to distract myself.

That person happens to walk in.

"Thomas!" I peep in surprise, although I knew he was coming, considering our texts.

He smiles. Bents down so I don't have to move out of my split, and places a soft kiss on my mouth. "Man, secret dating is harder than I thought."

My chuckle is mixed with a sigh. "Yup. Hey— you wouldn't mind stretching me, right? Or helping me, at least."

His eyes widen. "I'm sorry?"

And then my eyes widen, too. "I was talking about ballet!" I say fast, my face bright red. "Oh my— just hold my legs so I can do sit ups, too."

He does as he's told without any complaints. "I've been thinking about your suggestion."

My eyebrows raise while I do another sit up. I don't tell Thomas this isn't to stretch for ballet or prepare myself for anything at all. This is making up for the run I didn't do today, because Thomas drove us to work.

"About you helping me get back on the ice," he explains. "And genuinely, it doesn't sound too bad."

A smile grows on my face. "Great! Then I'll be spending even more hours with you per week, and it can't get suspicious because I'm just helping you."

He laughs at my excitement. "Yeah, sure. I wouldn't mind, either."

"I was hoping that," I say.

✵

A/n: Yes, it's quite early for them to start dating just in the beginning of the book, but you know... that means a lot more shall follow :)

Sorry that some of these chapters are rather fillers!!

x Vera