𝐬𝐤𝐚𝐢'𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐯

the vibes are off.

ever since the night i left dani's condo, she has been acting weird. at first she took very long to reply back to my message and then she started acting dry so i stopped texting her altogether. allow it, i'm not here to beg for friendship. 

at first i was trying to rack through my brain about what i may have done, that may have either put her off or overstepped a boundary, but i couldn't pinpoint on the answer and then gave up trying to understand the girl.

so i decided to leave it, whether we're friends or not, it shouldn't really matter right. are we even classified as friends?

the lollapalooza chicago festival was fastly approaching so i have been in and out of dance classes and rehearsals. i was nervous since this would be my first stage performance since my accident, but i was determined to not let my nerves get to me.

on thursday morning, i headed to my stylist to get invisible locs done, commemorating the beginning of summer. i loved getting my hair done, especially in a protective style because i didn't have to style my hair, i can just throw my bonnet off, do my edges and head out the door.

once i got home from my appointment, i admired my new hair, completely feeling myself. i mean who wouldn't after a hair appointment. snapping a few pictures, i uploaded it to instagram, alongside some pictures that i have been taking throughout the week of my rehearsals, coupled with a caption expressing my excitement to see my chicago fans on saturday.

on friday morning the plane touched down in chicago, and the bustling energy of the city immediately seeped into me. as we disembarked, the weight of what was coming hit me all over again. i glanced at gio, and she gave me a reassuring smile.

"you got this, skai, just shake some ass and sing as fabulously as you always do and you'll be fine" she said, her voice cutting through the loud chatter of the airport. 

i nodded, holding onto her arm as we walk past crowds of fans that stopped by, their phones filming me as some yelled my name. i gave a small smile and waved, grateful for the love chicago always showed me.

my team of dancers walked ahead, their laughter and light-hearted banter doing little to ease my nerves. my bodyguard escorted gio and me into the my car, whilst my team and dancers piled into the waiting cars behind, and as we drove to the hotel, i tried to take in the sights of chicago, hoping it would distract me. the tall buildings, the busy streets, the people moving with purpose. dani's new song with travis scott was playing on the radio, making me even more nervous. 

i couldn't help but feel drawn into a trance by her husky, unique voice on the track. she bodied the beat effortlessly.

at the hotel, we barely had time to settle before heading to the venue for our final rehearsal. the stage at grant park was massive, even more intimidating in person. my heart pounded in my chest as i walked up the steps to the stage, the memories of the accident flooding back. i took a deep breath, trying to steady myself.

"alright, let's get this show on the road," parris goebel, my choreographer, called out, clapping her hands to get everyone's attention.

we ran through the setlist, the dancers moving seamlessly in sync, the music blaring through the speakers. everything was going smoothly, but my mind kept drifting back to the accident. i could almost hear the sound of the crowd's gasp, feel the sharp pain as i fell. i shook my head, trying to focus on the present.

gio stayed close, her presence a constant comfort. during a break, she handed me a bottle of water, her eyes full of concern.

"how you holding up?" she asked softly.

"i'm okay," i lied, forcing a smile. "just a bit nervous."

"you'll kill it out there, skai. just remember why you're doing this," she said, squeezing my shoulder. just in that moment i hear a high pitched scream ambush me, before arms wrapped around me. i recognised those high notes from anywhere.

"my love!" solána sings as she hugs me from behind.

"solána?" i asked, laughing as i swung my arm behind her to pull her into a proper hug. she released me to turn and bear hugs gio. i couldn't help but notice their lingering hug as they swayed.

"okay why are you hugging her longer than me?" i complained, crossing my arms as they both roll their eyes at me.

"i heard y'all were rehearsing, i'm up next but i had to come and say hello." she beamed at us, her smile blinding us. i loved solána's infectious energy, it was constant every time we met up.

she stayed for a while to watch me and support me. i really am blessed with the best support system. the rehearsals continued, and gradually, i began to feel a bit more at ease. the familiarity of the stage, the movements, the music—it all started to come back to me. 

by the time we wrapped up, i was exhausted but feeling a bit more confident. gio and i took a selfie with solána for memories and we headed back to the hotel, and as we walked through the lobby, i couldn't help but feel a mix of excitement and dread. 

this was my chance to prove to myself that i could do this, that i could overcome my fears and get back on stage. i called brandy quickly to give a rundown about my day and she expressed her apologies for not being able to be in chicago with me but i reassured her that i didn't mind.

in my room, i lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling. the events of the day replayed in my mind, and i felt a knot of anxiety in my stomach. i closed my eyes, taking deep breaths, trying to calm my racing thoughts. i also couldn't supress the feeling that dani was acting weird and i was tired of the on and off situation we seemed to be in.

a knock on my door snapped me out of my thoughts. slowly getting out of my bed, i trudged to the door. the door creaked open, and gio peeked in. "hey, mind if i come in?"

i nodded, as we walked to the bed. 

"i know you're scared, skai. no matter how much you're thugging it out, you know you can talk to me if you're feeling anxiety." she said, her voice gentle and reassuring.

"yeah, i just don't want disappoint my fans and my management. i also feel like i have something to prove something to myself." i whispered, feeling tears prick at the corners of my eyes. "on top of that, i can't stop thinking of how annoying dani is!"

she pulled me into a hug, and for a moment, the fear and anxiety melted away. i rested in her arms and closed my eyes, tears sliding down my cheeks. after a while she pulls me back up and holds me at arms length.

"first of all, you're one of the most resilient and strongest person i know. you'll get over this fear skai, trust me." she says with a pause. "secondly, fuck bitches."

i couldn't help but laugh at her bold statement and nodded in agreement, wiping my tears away. i knew that no matter what happened tomorrow, i had my team, my friends, and most importantly, myself. and that was enough.

***

the day of the performance arrived, and my nerves were at an all-time high. the backstage area was buzzing with activity, people rushing around, final preparations being made. i took a deep breath, trying to steady myself, but the knot in my stomach only tightened.

as i paced, trying to calm my racing thoughts, i felt a familiar presence. i turned and saw my mom standing there, a warm, reassuring smile on her face. 

"mommy!" i shouted as i skipped towards her. she walked over and pulled me into a tight hug.

"i'm so proud of you, skai," she whispered, her voice soothing. "you're going to do amazing out there."

"thanks, mom," i said, my voice trembling slightly. "i needed that."

she held my face in her hands, looking into my eyes. "remember, you're stronger than you think. you've got this, you just got to put your mind to it."

i nodded, taking another deep breath as she stepped back. the crew signalled that it was time, and i made my way to the stage entrance, my heart pounding in my chest. the roar of the crowd was deafening as i stepped into the spotlight, my intro blaring into the large open space.

for a moment, the energy of the crowd was exhilarating. i smiled, waving at the sea of faces. but as i looked out over the mass of people, the memories of the accident came rushing back. the sound of the crowd's gasp, the pain, the fear—it all hit me like a tidal wave.

the music started, and i tried to focus on the performance. i moved through the opening steps, but my mind was elsewhere, lost in the past. suddenly, a stage effect went off—a burst of lights and smoke—and it was too much. the flashbacks intensified, my chest tightened, and my breathing became shallow.

the explosion of light and smoke took me back to that night. the stage had felt so solid beneath my feet, just like tonight. but then, it hadn't been. the sound of metal breaking, the screams of the audience, the crushing pain—it all came flooding back with horrifying clarity.

i tried to push through, to stay in control, but the panic was overwhelming. my heart pounded in my chest like a drum, each beat reverberating through my entire body. 

i could feel the sweat on my palms, the way my hands were starting to shake uncontrollably. the music played on, oblivious to my internal struggle, becoming a distant, muffled sound as my vision started to blur.

"no, not now," i whispered to myself, desperately clinging to the present. i took a step forward, then another, trying to ground myself in the moment, but my legs felt like they were made of lead. the lights seemed too bright, the noise too loud. i could hear the roar of the crowd, a monstrous, overwhelming sound that drowned out everything else.

the edges of my vision darkened, closing in on me. i felt dizzy, the world spinning around me in a nauseating whirl. my breaths came in rapid, shallow gasps, and i struggled to draw in enough air. it was like trying to breathe through a straw. the more i tried to steady myself, the more my body seemed to betray me.

i could hear my own voice, a distant, echoing sound, trying to sing, trying to hold on, but it felt like i was slipping away. my knees buckled, and i fell to the stage, the hard surface rushing up to meet me. there was a moment of disorienting weightlessness, and then everything went black.

the last thing i heard before everything went black was the collective gasp of the crowd, and people gathering around to cover me and then silence.

***

i woke up with my heart racing and my breath coming in shallow gasps. my mom was by my side, her hand gently brushing through my hair.

"hey, baby," she said softly, her voice soothing. "you're okay. you're safe."

i looked around, the events of the night before slowly coming back to me. the panic, the fall, the darkness. "i... i fainted on stage, didn't i?" my voice was barely a whisper.

she nodded, her eyes filled with concern but also with pride. "you did, but you were so brave, skai. you tried your best, and that's what matters." 

i couldn't help but feel tears welled up in my eyes. "i couldn't do it, mom. i let everyone down."

"no, you didn't," she said firmly. "everyone understands what you've been through. they just want you to be healthy and happy."

i leaned into her, feeling the warmth and comfort of her embrace. "thanks, mom. i'm so scared about the future. how many more mistakes can i make?"

"i know, sweetheart. but we'll get you through this together. it's only a temporary setback."

the next day, we flew back to la. the flight was quiet, my mom holding my hand the entire time. i tried to rest, but my mind was still racing, replaying the incident over and over. when we landed, we went straight home, and my mom made sure i was comfortable in bed. she decided to stay with me for the next few days, to look after me and to make sure that i was eating.

"the doctor said you need to stay in bed and rest, and they've got you on iv fluids to help you recover," she said, adjusting the blanket around me.

i nodded, feeling a mix of frustration and relief. i hated being stuck in bed, but i knew it was for the best. as i settled in, my phone buzzed on the nightstand. i picked it up and saw a string of missed calls and texts from many people, but my eyes drew in surprise at dani's name.

𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐟𝐟😒

skai, r u okay? |

please get to back to me when you get the chance |

i hope you're doing alright |

if u need anything just know im here |

ok let me stop blowing up ur phone now |

ok speak soon pls | 

im serious dont air |

i sighed, my heart aching. i hadn't spoken to her since the tiny desk performance night, and now she was reaching out because she was worried. i pressed her caller id to call her back, my fingers trembling slightly. the call goes through the first ring.

"hey, dani." i say faintly, scratching my nose stud . i was still feeling physically and emotionally exhausted.

"yo, skai. how you holdin' up?" her low voice was a comforting mix of concern and familiarity, grounding me in the moment.

i sighed, feeling the weight of the past few days pressing down on me. "i'm... okay, i guess. just trying to rest and recover."

"man, i was so worried when i heard. what happened?" her tone was gentle but insistent, needing to understand.

"it's hard to explain. everything was going fine, and then a stage effect went off. it just... triggered something. all those memories from an accident i had more than a year ago came flooding back, and i couldn't breathe. next thing i know, i'm waking up with my mom by my side."

there was a pause on the other end, then a soft sigh followed by her husky voice. "damn, man. i'm really sorry you had to go through that."

"thanks. it's just frustrating, you know? i thought i was ready."

"hey, you were brave to even get up there. most people would've quit a long time ago. you're strong, skai." her jersey accent accompanied her strong words.

i felt a warmth spread through me at her words. "i appreciate that, dani. really."

"look, if you need anythin', don't hesitate to ask. i mean it. i'm here anytime you need me. also how's your mom doing?"

"she is fine, she was there thankfully. it was nice to have my family by side." i said.

"that's good." she breaths into the mic. there was a brief silence, comfortable and filled with unspoken understanding.

"can i swing by tomorrow? i'm assumin' you're on bed arrest." she asks, speaking carefully.

"you're in LA right now? i mean if you have time you're welcome to swing by i guess." i asked, surprised that she would take time out of her schedule to see how i was doing. i felt a small smile tug at my lips.

skai...no don't even, don't make it weird. she is just being nice.

"yea, i am, i just flew in from jersey last night. so i can pop by after a photoshoot tomorrow evening? is that cool with you?" she suggests.

"okay, see you tomorrow."

"take care yeah?" she says and i hung up the phone, feeling a bit lighter. talking to dani had a strange way of calming my nerves, and i couldn't help but be excited to see her tomorrow. 

now how do i tell my mum that my ex from four years ago is coming by tomorrow to check up on me as a friend without her making shit weird?

𓏲𝄢 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐞𝐧𝐣𝐨𝐲𝐞𝐝!