Dublin, late February:
Two Months Later

Auden sat on the sterile paper sheet of the examination bed, her fingers picking at her cuticles with restless precision. The bright fluorescent lighting only made the walls feel whiter, the air colder, the silence heavier. The ringing in her ears was relentless.

She felt sick.

Not in the way she had been for weeks now — running to the office trash bin, retching into the sink, blaming it on bad food or stress. No, this was different. This was dread curling like smoke in her stomach, thick and inescapable.

Auden clenched the sides of the bed, forcing herself to breathe. It was just a stomach bug. It had to be.

Except it wasn't.

Brigid had figured it out first. She'd taken one look at Auden — at her pale complexion, her mood swings, the way she flinched at the smell of coffee — and dragged her to the doctor, ignoring every excuse Auden had thrown her way.
"You're in denial," Brigid had snapped, exasperated. "Just get checked, so I can say 'I told you so' and we can both move on."

But they wouldn't move on. Because Auden already knew the answer.

She let out a shuddering breath, pressing her trembling fingers to her temples. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes. God, she had been so careless. How could she have let this happen? What was she going to do if the nurse came in and confirmed her suspicions? What would she tell Cillian?
Cillian. Her heart nearly broke at the thought of him. Auden hadn't seen him in a month and everyday it was a mental battle for her to continue. Though they FaceTimed every night, it wasn't the same. She missed his body, his mind. And right now, as she awaited the news, Auden wanted nothing more than to wrap herself around him and disappear.

It's not real yet.

She could pretend, for just a few more seconds, that her life wasn't about to change in a way she had never planned for, never wanted, never even thought possible.

Then the door opened, and the pretending was over.
Just then, there was a knock at the door and the nurse practitioner slid inside. The nurse, Lila, was a tall woman with dark skin and light brown eyes. Her hair, tied in multiple small braids, hung over her shoulder and down her blue scrubs. Lila sat down on a stool across from Auden, folding her hands in her lap, and Auden knew.

"So."

The word shattered whatever fragile defense Auden had left.
Lila spoke, but Auden barely heard her. The ringing in her ears grew louder, drowning out the calm, measured explanation. She fixated on the movement of Lila's hands, the way her fingers interlocked, the slow rise and fall of her shoulders.

A warm hand landed on her shoulder.

"This is probably inappropriate," Lila said gently, "but do you have a husband? A boyfriend?"

Auden swallowed hard, her throat constricting. She nodded, barely.

Lila offered a sympathetic smile. "If you'd like, we can discuss your options."

Options.
The word made her chest tighten, like a vise was pressing against her ribs.

Auden stood abruptly, the motion too fast, too jerky.

"Excuse me," she choked out, shoving past Lila and bursting into the hallway. She barely noticed the nurse calling her name.

Her stomach churned violently, the walls tilting as she staggered toward the nearest restroom. She made it into the stall just in time to drop to her knees and retch, gripping the toilet seat so hard her knuckles turned white.

She was shaking. Sweating.

Cillian's face flashed in her mind, and she sobbed.

What the hell am I going to do?

She forced herself to take deep, measured breaths. Wash your hands. Get up. Walk out of here. She repeated the mantra, clinging to it like a lifeline.

Slowly, Auden stood up as her stomach settled. Her legs felt like jello as she leaned against the stall for support. She peered out from around the stall door, checking to make sure no one was around. When Auden figured it was safe, she glided over to the sink, turning on the water and splashing it in her face. The cold water cooled her warm cheeks while sharpening her mind slightly.

Auden pressed cold water to her cheeks, whispering, "It can't get worse than this."

The bathroom door swung open.

"Auden?"

She froze.

Just kidding. It got worse.

She turned, and there stood Jenni — Cillian's ex-wife.

Jesus fucking Christ.

"Hello!" Jenni beamed, stepping inside, her heels clicking against the tile. She looked impeccable, of course. Fresh haircut, glowing skin, a perfectly draped green dress that made her look effortlessly elegant. Auden, in contrast, looked like she had just crawled out of a gutter.

Jenni's smile faltered as she took her in. "Oh, my — you look awful. Are you alright?"

Auden swallowed, turning off the faucet. "I'm fine."

Jenni's gaze flickered with something — curiosity? Amusement? Whatever it was, it made Auden's skin prickle.
"Are you sure?" Jenni stepped closer, her voice dripping with saccharine concern.

"Yes," Auden said a bit too harshly. "Look, I need to go."

"I mean," Jenni lulled, "Cillian did tell me you've been sick."

Auden's eyes snapped to hers. "Did he?"

A hesitation — small, but noticeable.

Auden scoffed, rolling her eyes. The last thing she needed was for Jenni to be privy to whatever Cillian had been saying about her. She had bigger problems than his ex-wife playing messenger.

"Well, I'm fine," Auden reiterated, her voice full of annoyance. She wasn't sure why Cillian felt the need to relay to Jenni his concerns, but at this point, Auden had bigger things to be upset over. Her mind wandered back to Lila's calm voice explaining her situation. Auden felt her fingers graze her stomach gently, as a feeling of dread began to wash over her.

Jenni, however, wasn't done. She tilted her head, studying Auden with unnerving scrutiny. Then, her gaze dropped — to Auden's hands, the way one of them still hovered protectively over her stomach. The fact that both were at the nearest OBGYN in their area. It was all too obvious.

Something flickered across Jenni's face.

"Auden," she said, voice low, speculative. "Why are you here?"

Auden's breath hitched.

She turned, intent on leaving, "I need to go," Auden shook her head. She got about halfway to the door before Jenni asked the question that Auden was petrified to confirm, even to herself but the question stopped her cold.

"Are you pregnant?"

The words hung in the air, thick and suffocating.

Auden froze, her back rigid. She could lie — deny it, brush past Jenni, pretend none of this was happening. But her lips parted, and nothing came out.

She couldn't say no. She was pregnant. She was alone. And she had no clue what the hell to do next.

Tears burned her eyes, and before she could stop them, they fell.

Jenni inhaled sharply, watching her. "Is it Cillian's?"

Auden let out a bitter laugh through her tears. "What the fuck, Jenni?" She wiped furiously at her face. "Yes, it's his. I don't cheat."

If the jab affected Jenni, she didn't show it. Instead, she sighed — long and measured, the way someone does when they already know the outcome of a conversation.

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know," Auden admitted, voice barely above a whisper. She needed to leave and be alone to collect her thoughts. Her life was spiraling into a new territory and Auden had no idea how to navigate it anymore. "I can't do this right now, Jenni. Honestly, I really need to go."

Jenni sighed, but it was a sigh that parents gave their children when they had done something wrong. She recognized it, only because her father would do the same thing. "Auden, this isn't something you handle alone."

Auden wanted to scream. She wanted to run. She wanted to undo every second of this conversation. Instead, she stayed frozen, trembling, her world spinning off its axis.

"Right," Auden rolled her eyes, "Thanks for the advice. Can I go?"

Jenni gave her a look, her hand reaching into her purse and rifling out a package of tissues. She handed them to Auden, the gesture oddly gentle.

"I won't say anything," Jenni murmured as Auden took the pack. "But you need to let me help you."

Auden hesitated, uncertainty clawing at her. Every part of her brain told her to leave the woman out of it. That it wasn't Jenni's business what happened the moment she stepped out this bathroom. But the woman knew. Auden wasn't stupid – if she turned this down, Jenni would run to Cillian instantly and tell him the news that she wasn't even sure she wanted to reveal. She had no other choice.

"Alright," Auden said, her voice croaking from the crying.

"Come on," she said, voice smooth as silk and full of pride. "Let's grab some food. We'll figure out your next move."

Auden stared at her, heart hammering, a sick sense of foreboding settling in her gut. Because something in Jenni's eyes told her this wasn't just kindness. It was something else entirely. And it was only just beginning.

— • —

PLEASE READ:

the story continues. check out the second installment, titled The Light Within You.