five monster to monster

✧

LUX FLOPPED DOWN ONTO HER BED, FACE FIRST INTO HER PILLOW. She groaned softly, balling her fists into her comforter, willing the world to leave her for just a few moments. But she could hear Timothy milling about, the TV in the living room playing one of his ridiculous reality guilty pleasure shows, and her neighbors arguing with each other while their children pretended to be asleep, and the slamming of fists on a table. No, the world was not quiet, and it never left her alone.

         Little Lux Morgan who was nothing special, just another blonde girl from a small town with big dreams she would never achieve, turned into a bloodsucker with her little town getting a bit more bloody and murdered on. No, the world ignored her before, but now it never left her alone even when she begged it to.

         And when the world wanted to be loud, it was deafening. She groaned again, louder this time, and implored all her self-control not to rip apart her comforter. Her phone buzzed on the bed, and she lifted her head at the vibrations. She turned it over, looking at a text from Damon, absolutely the last person she wanted to think about. Emotions twisted inside her gut, thinking about the dinner at Elena's, the football game, dead Coach Tanner, and what Stefan had to say.

         Then a phantom ghosted over her face, caressing her features, and she could feel the imprint of his lips against hers, and she wanted to melt into the feeling. He's a monster, Lux. No. How could he be a monster when he held her so softly, when he found her at her lowest and taught her how to be a vampire who didn't have to murder everyone she fed on?

         She was the monster! Not him – not Damon. She was the murderer who couldn't control herself, she was the foolish little girl – forever a dancing queen – who said she wanted to live forever while being fucked and then ended up a vampire. She was the monster in all of this, and Damon was a saint.

         Stefan was a liar. He had to be, the words he calmly spoke to her were all lies, they had to be.

         Be my date to the founders day party?

         Ugh, she couldn't even think about that at the moment. She turned off her phone, and pushed her body around so she was staring up at the ceiling, closing her eyes and allowing herself to relive the memories of the night.

✧

         "YOU'RE A VAMPIRE," Stefan muttered, looking at her with wide eyes. She stumbled momentarily, her grip loosening on his arm, remembering that even though she was more than aware of the fact that he was a bloodsucker, he hadn't known that about her.

         Well, she could presume that he might have guessed it, but judging by his reaction, he really didn't know. But now he did. Because of her, because Stefan had killed Coach Tanner and she couldn't let that go – her friend was falling for this dude, and he was murderer.

         (So was she, some dark part in her head reminded her, but she shook that thought away quickly, burying dead within her subconscious because that was not something she ever wanted to think about ever again.)

         "So are you," she said in return, rather defensive, letting go of his completely to cross her arms. "And Coach Tanner is dead – I know it wasn't from natural causes."

         "Lux..."

         "Don't try and come up with excuses," she shook his off, interrupting before he had the chance to manipulate her, "I know I didn't kill him. I haven't killed anyone in over a week and I wouldn't dare kill someone so close to the school."

         "You've been killing people around here?" Stefan asked carefully, focusing on that rather than the fact that he killed Coach Tanner. As if her killing spree from before mattered.

         "That's not important," Lux waved it off.

         "I have to disagree," Stefan said firmly, "I can help you – I can teach you another way of feeding."

         She scoffed, stepping away from him, making it clear the disgust she had for him. This was Stefan – the brother that hurt Damon, the man who killed Coach Tanner (and even though she didn't really like the coach, it was the principle of the matter), and she wasn't going to accept any help from him.

         "I don't need your help! Damon is helping me plenty!" and maybe it was a mistake admitting that, because Stefan reeled back.

         "Lux, trust me, you need to stay away from Damon. He's dangerous," he said carefully.

         Lux rolled her eyes, the action simple at the accusation that Damon could be dangerous. "As if I'll listen to you. Damon's told me about you."

         "And whatever it is, I'm sure he believes it. Damon and I haven't always gotten along, but please, I am not the one who killed Coach Tanner," Stefan said, his tone changing to a more pleading approach. She wanted to scoff again, because of course he was going wide-eyed, hero hair swooping in to save the day manipulation tactic.

         "Sure you aren't. Next thing I know you're going to say it was Damon," she shook her head.

         "I can show you," Stefan grabbed her hand, she jerked to get him away but he was stronger, holding on and forcing a vision into her head. She saw the world from another pair of eyes – his eyes – and she could see Damon sinking his fangs into Coach Tanner's neck, draining him slowly before throwing him onto the ground as if he didn't matter.

         Lux reeled back then, Stefan releasing her and she just stared at him for a moment. The world stood still, but everything was so loud around her, in her brain as the image flashed, the hollowness in his eyes so different from the life he had when he looked at her.

         She didn't even realize tears were gathering, turning her attention back to Stefan. "You're lying," she said in a low voice, "That – that was a lie. Whatever you just did, it can't – it can't be real."

         "I'm sorry, Lux, but it is. Whatever Damon told you about me, whatever Damon has been to you, it's not real," Stefan said with an edge of sympathy.

         Her hands shook as she got closer to him, standing only inches away from him she just shook her head. It couldn't be real, because Damon was everything to her. Damon taught her how to compel people, Damon kissed her, Damon gave her hope and dreams – Damon couldn't be this.

         He couldn't be a liar, he couldn't be hollow and careless. No, that was Stefan. Stefan was the bad guy – he had to be.

         It was illogical, what she did next, but so overcome with emotions, it was all she could do with this newfound rage. She decked Stefan across the face, then blinking, realizing what she had done, sped away from him and back home.

✧

         IN SOME MOMENTS, the quiet ones where she was immersed with another person, thinking about them and not the fact that she was in fact murdered over summer, Lux could forget that she was technically undead. Her body still looked human, she was just as pale as before she turned, and her hair was still luscious and long, and her eyes were still brown – well, except when she was full vamp – and she still went to school like a regular teenager, so, sometimes, she could fool herself into being human.

         Timothy still looked at her like the same little girl she had always been, before and after the death of Delilah Morgan. Sometimes her chest felt so tight with guilt, knowing that she only had a few years left with Timothy before she would have to leave him. He would see her graduate high school and then college, and she would come around for a few years after that, but then she would reach thirty and still look seventeen and his last remaining family member would leave him too.

         It was in those moments she debated telling him, just like she thought about telling her friends, but then she became so overwhelmed with the what ifs that she put a stop to that. She was dead, a girl who never aged, and she had to drink blood for sustenance. That was weird, and terrible, so terrible, along with the fact that Lux Morgan was in fact a murderer (yay!). She was a monster, but the idea of them looking at her like she was one made her want to die.

         Though she recognized it, she didn't want them to see her like that. She wanted to be the normal positively thriving Lux Morgan who was definitely human and definitely still had dreams of going to college. Now, her dreams were being human, something that was absolutely impossible for her.

         But sometimes she didn't feel like she was lying to Timothy, when they watched reality tv together, cooked dinner, talked like a normal family because she forgot that she was dead, feeling so alive in the moment. It was absolutely human of them, mundane tasks and mundane living that caused her to feel as mundane as the days they had.

         And then there was a knock at the door.

         It could be nothing, and she wished it was, but opening the door to Damon Salvatore was anything but mundane. Her eyes widened at the sight of him, and for a split second she thought of slamming the door in his face, remembering the visions of him bloodied murdering Coach Tanner, but that was absolutely suspicious and she still wasn't sure how to feel about the whole ordeal.

         "Damon," she hissed, closing the door behind her before pushing him off her porch, speeding into the woods for him to meet her. "You can't just show up at my doorstep."

         "Sure I can, sweetheart," Damon smirked, circling around her like she was his prey, and she wondered how many times he made a human feel like that before sinking his fangs into their necks, "I just did."

         "Well, you have to stop. I can't have my uncle seeing you," Lux shook her head.

         "Oh, why not?"

         "I wanna spare myself a long lecture, first off," she bit at him, "Second, well...I don't want any of my neighbors seeing you either."

         "Aw, are you embarrassed of me, Lux?" he asked, his voice dripping with fake sweetness.

         Her cheeks would've flushed if she was human, but she still grit her teeth and stared at him. "I don't want to be connected to you, but it's purely because we're both vampires and I'm trying not to project that fact."
          "Then maybe don't sped away from your front porch into the woods," Damon sarcastically suggested.

         "Not helping."

         "Well, at least I tried."

         She didn't say anything, but continued to glare at him until he got the message. Eventually, he did raise his hands up in a mock surrender, moving closer to her to close the gap between them. She fought every instinct to move backwards and create more distance.

         "You didn't answer my text," Damon said next, and the mundane nature of that sentence, as if he were a sulking teenage boy, made her pause.

         It almost made her want to laugh, thinking about Damon pouting over her not answering a simple text message, but then she thought of him dripping in blood, and that silenced any desire to laugh. He looked so clean, so perfectly human right then, and she supposed she looked the same, and then she remembered that the first time they met she had been the one dripping in blood after murdering a man for his blood.

         Oh.

         They were both monsters, in their own right, and how bad of a monster could Damon Salvatore be?

         "Right. The Founder's Party," Lux blinked, remembering what he was talking about. If she was so sure about him, why was she hesitating to accept his invitation? "I don't think that'll be a good idea," she answered eventually, "You know, with my uncle and everything..."

         It was a lame excuse, and Damon could surely see through that as he slowly nodded, but he didn't call her out on it.

         "Of course. I wouldn't want you to have to sit through a long lecture from him," he quirked up his eyebrows as he forced a smile, and mentally she sighed in relief that he wasn't fighting back.

         "Thank you," she walked towards him, "For understanding."

         She rewarded him with a kiss on the cheek. Their first kiss felt like life. This one felt like ash.

✧

        NEVER BEFORE HAD Lux been nervous for a party. Any party, whether it be town related, school related, or teenagers getting drunk related. She liked parties – all kinds of them – they allowed her to be free, a nobody in the crowd who could sometimes get drunk enough to feel like somebody. But now, with a taste for blood and self-control that she was still working on, parties were daunting.

         Large gatherings of people, temptations around every corner, and having to keep a nice pretty smile on her face. According to Timothy, Delilah Morgan loved parties. She could be someone there, with the founding last name that meant something in Mystic Falls. The Morgans would had been here since the town got its name, who lived and died there for centuries. She was larger than life at parties, contrasting Timothy who despised them.

         Lux didn't feel larger than life, but she also didn't abhor them, so she placed herself in the middle of that sibling spectrum. A Morgan who liked being around people, but didn't let it inflate her ego. But Delilah always wanted to be somebody, only to end up as a nobody to her own daughter. A story rather than a memory.

         Timothy gave her a smile, wrapping their arms together, "Ready to go?"

         "I think I should be asking you that," she retorted, "You're the one who actually has to talk to people about our history."

         "Eh, it'll be you one day," Timothy shrugged, and she almost froze at the implication, then the sinking feeling in her gut because no, no she wouldn't. Lux Morgan was forever seventeen, and that meant she wouldn't be living in Mystic Falls for her dauntingly long life ahead of her.

         She would move around, become somebody but ultimately be nobody so she wouldn't be caught. She would be seventeen and never tell people about the history of the Morgan family because she wouldn't be in Mystic Falls for anyone to care.

         "Yeah," she said off-handedly, distracted now until the reached the entrance of the Lockwood manor and she really did freeze this time. Oh, oh right. She hadn't been inside the house since she turned, and she didn't have permission.

         Well, fuck.

         Noticing her hesitation, Timothy gave her another encouraging smile. "Come on, Lux, it'll be over before you know it. And you have the added benefit of being able to hide it out with your friends."

         "Right," she laughed nervously, unable to move until Mrs. Lockwood came towards them.

         "Timothy," she embraced him in a hug, "It's so nice to see you again, Lux. I hope school's going well?"

         "Yeah, school's great," she smiled, nodding along, which seemed to appease her.

         "Well, what are you two just standing here for then? Come inside," she waved them in, moving back inside herself. Timothy sent her a wink and she willed her feet to move, slowly over the barrier of the doorway, until her heel made its way inside the interior and she knew it was safe.

         Moving with confidence, she pushed herself inside and then unlocked herself from Timothy. "I think I'm gonna get a drink," she announced to him.

         "Just make sure you don't have too much," he kissed her forehead, "Love you."

         "You too," she smiled back, weaving her way through the crowd, listening in to all the voices until eventually she could hear Bonnie and Caroline.

         "Hey," she greeted them as she got closer, noticing that Stefan had his arm around Elena and then Damon had his around Caroline. She raised an eyebrow at that, but otherwise gave no visual indicator about how she felt. She could feel some sort of jealousy plowing its way through her, but not as much as Elena's dinner party when she actively thought of the ways to murder Caroline.

         No, with the envy there was ash. Blood and death and monstrous origins.

         "Lux, I almost didn't think you were coming," Bonnie joked, giving her a hug which she reciprocated.

         "Sorry, Uncle Tim took a while getting ready," she explained and Bonnie waved it off.

         She looked around the room, seeing old antics that some of the families donated for the event. She knew that Uncle Tim gave up the family ring for the night along with some other knick-knacks. It had been Delilah's job before him, and Timothy still thought that one day it would be hers.

         Elena picked up a piece of paper, reading it aloud, "The founding families in Mystic Falls welcomes you to the inaugural founder's council celebration. Wow, look, it's the original guest registry. Look at all these familiar names – Sheriff William Forbes, Mayor Benjamin Lockwood. Is that Damon Salvatore? And, Stefan Salvatore?"

         She looked up from the registry, looking between the brothers, and Lux knew if her heart could still beat it would be going wild. Uh, oh. Damon slid in smoothly, though, lying effortlessly, "The original Salvatore brothers. Our ancestors. Tragic story, really."

         It was beautiful. If she could call lying and manipulating everyone to explain why his name was on the original guest list beautiful.

         "We don't need to bore them with stories of the past," Stefan shook his head.

         "It's not boring, Stefan. I'd love to hear more about your family," Elena assured him, looking keenly between the brothers, and Lux turned her head slightly, wondering why she was becoming so interested in it. Even she didn't care to learn more.

         "Well, I'm bored," Caroline interrupted, always so beautifully loud and blunt, "I want to dance, and Damon won't dance with me," Damon nodded at the statement, "Could I just borrow your date?"

         She looked at Elena when she asked, indicating that she wanted Stefan to take her onto the dancefloor.

         "Oh, uh..." Elena blinked, surprised by the request.

         "I don't really dance," Stefan shook his head.

         "Oh, sure he does. You should see him. waltz, the jitterbug, the moonwalk. He does it all," Damon smirked.

         Lux stilled for a moment, staring at Damon and wondering if this was another technique. He was effortless when he lied, always having a story, and she wondered how many stories he told her before.

         "You wouldn't mind, would you, Elena?" Caroline asked.

         "It's up to Stefan," Elena replied, a bit dejected.

         Caroline smiled at him. "Well sorry, but I'm not going to take no for an answer," and then she took his hand, forcibly leading him away.

          When they were gone, Damon leaned into Elena, whispering into her ear, and Lux did her best to not hear it. She looked to Bonnie instead, "Wanna get a drink with me?"

         "Lead the way," Bonnie smiled, and the two left Elena with Damon. She tried to shut them out, tune into another conversation, but she found herself unable to avoid them, listening to Damon talk to Elena about his past, about Stefan's, as she looked at Bonnie.

         "So, please tell me that you think Caroline being with Damon is weird," Bonnie took a sip of her glass.

         "What?" Lux blinked in surprise.

         Bonnie stilled. "Uh-oh, you didn't know? I thought you did, because I know, and because Caroline brought him to dinner."

         "I didn't," she swallowed down some champagne of her own, "Damon told me they weren't together."

         "He did?" Bonnie raised an eyebrow.

         Shit.

         "Uh, yeah. I guess I kinda thought we had something," she laughed nervously, "Damon said he didn't feel anything for Caroline, just me, but now she's his date..."

         "Oh. I'm, uh, I'm sorry, Lux," Bonnie said sympathetically, "I totally didn't know that or I wouldn't have said anything."

         Lux shook it off, the ashy feeling from before growing inside her as she thought of Damon. "Don't be. I've been having some doubts of my own about him lately. I guess he just isn't who I thought he was."

         "Still, that sucks," Bonnie managed, squeezing Lux's hand with her own. "I don't really know how to feel about either of them right now, to be honest. I mean, Elena is going so fast with Stefan and I can totally see them falling in love, but then he also doesn't feel right to me? Like when I touch him, I just feel numb and cold – like there's no life there."

         "This a witch thing?" Lux asked, trying to lighten the conversation, because talking about her feelings towards Stefan and Damon while they could hear was not something she wanted to indulge further in.

         Bonnie shrugged. "Probably. I mean, I want Elena to be happy – I mean, I want all of you guys to be happy – but something just isn't right. There's something more to them that they just aren't saying."

         "Maybe they're in a cult?" Lux suggested.

         She got a cold look from Bonnie in return. "Don't mock me about this. I'm serious."

         "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to," Lux apologized, "I get it. And you know, you should always follow your gut. That's what they say on Bones, anyway."

         Bonnie rolled her eyes. "You and your crime shows."

         "Yeah, yeah," Lux brushed her off, laughing which only encouraged when Bonnie joined in.

         They continued joking with each other about juvenile things, so mundane for teenage girls, and she could pretend for a moment that that's all they were. No forever seventeen, no vampires, no witches or monsters under the bed; just two girls, utterly human.

         Elena eventually joined them, moaning about Stefan and how cryptic he was over ice cream. Bonnie apologized for creating a doubt about him, but Elena assured her that this was his doings – and Damon's. She didn't know who Stefan was, which was fair because she didn't.

         None of them knew much about the brothers. They were large, abstract concepts of people who waltzed into the lives of Mystic Falls. Damon, who lured Lux in, and Stefan, who she rejected. Stefan who repulsed her because he made sure to keep a distance and Damon who enthralled her because he seemed so open, who she thought she knew.

         But now she was beginning to think she never knew him at all.

         Eventually, she excused herself, going into the bathroom to freshen up and have a little break, but that plan made a complete stop when she saw Caroline. "Hey, Care."

         "Hey," the other blonde said, powdering her face, "I hope you don't mind that I took Damon as my date. He said you wanted to go with him first."

         She frowned at that. "Damon's the one who asked me."

         Caroline chuckled a little, shaking her head softly. "Sure, Lux. I know you, and I know that guys don't exactly ask you out."

         "Caroline."

         The sheriff's daughter looked a muffled at the cutting bite in Lux's tone, backing down a bit. "Well, I just want to say that I know it sucks to be second, but it's also really nice to be picked."

         Lux continued to stare at her. While Caroline had her moments, she was never like this, never a full-on bitch, but right now she felt like she was getting punched in the gut at Caroline's every line. Rage and confusion bubbled underneath her skin, and she could feel the veins underneath her eyes beginning to gather but she turned away from Caroline to calm herself.

         When she turned back around, she saw Caroline moving around her shawl to cover her neck, undercovering some mark on it. "What is that?" she asked.

         "Nothing," Caroline quickly replied, moving to cover the space.

         Lux didn't stop, forcibly tearing the fabric away until she could see bite marks across Caroline's neck and back. "Oh my God," she uttered in terror. It was the work of a monster; a vampire. "Caroline..."

         "Just stop, Lux. It's nothing," Caroline snapped, taking back her shawl and covering her body.

         "Did Damon do that?" she had to ask, disgust overwhelming her as she met Caroline's eyes.

         "No! Drop it!"

         "Caroline," she wrapped her hand around Caroline's wrist, pulling her in with a  pleading gaze, "Did Damon do this to you? Did he bite you like this?"

         "Lux..."

         "He did, didn't he?" she asked, helpless and swarming in guilt. She got played. She got manipulated. She thought she knew Damon, and now he did this. No, he didn't just do this, Caroline was proof of what he always was.

         Lux let Caroline go, biting into her own wrist and offering it to the girl. "Just drink, it'll heal you up," she offered, urging Caroline to take her wrist and bring it to her mouth. Hesitantly, Caroline did so, then Lux drew back her wrist.

         "Don't go anywhere with him, I'm going to fix this. Okay, Caroline?" she gave her friend one last look before booking it out of the bathroom, in pursuit of Stefan, grabbing him and pushing him into a corner where they were alone.

         "You were right," she got out before clarifying, "About Damon. I-I believe you now, and I'm also sorry that I punched you before. He's been hurting Caroline, he's – he's a monster. You have to stop him."

         "Lux," he grabbed onto her arms, grounding her, and pulling her back into the moment when her mind was swirling, ears focusing on Caroline's moment so that she knew the girl was safe. "I'm going to take care of it, okay? I'm not going to let Damon hurt anyone else."

         "Thank you," she breathed, wanting to throw up but also wanting to kill Damon herself. Guilt overtook her form, watching Stefan leave, knowing that this had been happening for a while. Caroline must have been suffering for so long and she hadn't even noticed, too caught up in herself and her own bemoaning over vampirism.

         She was a horrible friend – God, she was a horrible friend.

         Caroline had been dying, being eaten by Damon over and over again, devoured by him, and what if she hadn't noticed until it was too late? What if Damon got bored and killed her? She knew he was monstrous, she knew he killed, and who's to say he wouldn't kill Caroline? Or her?

         What was she to him? Another plaything. A helpless little fledgling who didn't know her way around, someone to toy with to believe him, to turn her against his brother, to have her so devote to him. God, how he mattered to her. How she thought of him like a savior, and now here he was a destroyer.

         A monster.

author's note.
yes this was just my hate letter to damon. later tvd tries to frame damon as some great guy, and i admit i have been swayed in the past, but honestly damon (especially early seasons version) is the absolutely worst. he raped caroline, nonconsentually forces his blood down elena's throat in season 2 when she's about to die, oh and also rapes andie too.

although, i admit, it was fun writing the relationship between lux and i can't wait to explore her interactions with him in the future. honestly i do just love the dynamics between lux and the salvatore brothers, especially now because she's pro-stefan and there's actually going to be scenes between them where she isn't just hating him lol.