nine birth to death

(not feeling epic)

✧

LUX BARELY EVER SLEPT WHEN SHARING A BED WITH CAROLINE. Caroline, for all her beauty, was an obnoxious snorer and tossed and turned like she was being possessed all night. Many times Lux snuck out of bed and went to the couch and the sheriff found her there in the morning, gently waking up the teenager and shooing her back to Caroline's bed before she woke up.

         Caroline stilled moved around, kicked, snored, but none of it mattered. Lux wasn't going to sleep anyway. As Caroline's heartbeat echoed in her ears, she could recall Elena's. The smell of Elena's blood, her heart beating so quickly, how tasty it all was. She felt like an alcoholic smelling liquor, needing it to survive.

         And when she closed her eyes, she saw Vicki. Vicki, in the same boat as herself. Turned without permission, trying to find her way with minimal guidance. Lost and newly addicted to blood, needing more. Vicki, who she killed.

         She wasn't a stranger to death, Delilah Morgan made sure of that, nor was she a stranger to killing. Months of feeding and burying bodies covered that. But she was a stranger to killing someone she knew, a stranger to killing in front of others, letting them in on the monster she had become.

         Elena and Jeremy saw. They knew. And now here she was, sharing a bed with Caroline, skipping out on her date with Matt, looking at her cleaned hands that held Vicki's life. Her head rested on Caroline's pillow, staring up at the ceiling of a room she knew well, feeling unwelcome. Everyone around her was normal, and she was the outlier. The one who no longer belonged.

         Caroline stirred, her breath evening out until Lux knew she was awake. It took a little longer for Caroline's eyes to open, groaning at the onslaught of sunlight. "God, who let me drink that much?"

         Lux snorted softly. "I don't think we could've stopped you even if we wanted to."

         "My head," Caroline cradled her face.

         Taking pity, Lux uncovered herself and got out of bed. "I'll be back with some water and Advil."

         "You're a saint."

         Padding down the stairs, she was relieved that the sheriff had already gone to work. She listened to Liz' shower, get dressed, and make herself coffee before heading out the door two hours ago.

         "Here you go," she handed the cup to Caroline, who gulped it down with the pills.

         "I feel disgusting," Caroline grimaced, pulling away from the glass, "God, I need a shower and an amazing smoothie bowl breakfast. How are you not feeling like death?"

         Lux laughed. If only. "I didn't drink much last night, had other things on my mind."

         "Ah, right. Your date with Matt," Caroline wiggled her eyebrows, a suggestive tone laced in her voice before frowning, "Not that you went home with him."

         "No, you needed my help. I know hungover Caroline, and she needs someone there," Lux teased.

         "I may not remember much of last night, but I do know that you said your date wasn't going well. What happened?"

         Lux groaned. "Of all the things you chose to remember, this is it?"

         Caroline shrugged. "What can I say, my drunk brain has its priorities right where I want them. Now spill."

         "There's not much to tell," Lux pursed her lips, "I wasn't feeling it. Matt and I – I think we're better off as friends than anything else."

         "Called it."

         Lux laid back down. God, how could she ever face Matt again? She's known him since they were kids, back when Delilah Morgan was still alive. Matt was at her sixth birthday party, was there the first time she got drunk, was utterly intertwined in her life. And they were friends – granted, not best friends like she was with Caroline, Bonnie, and Elena, but friends.

         And now she couldn't even look at him. Because she killed his sister. Vicki Donovan was dead, and Lux Morgan her killer. God, and she killed Vicki while on a date with Matt! How fucked up was that?

         Caroline sighed, giving Lux a soft look. "Look, I love Matt, don't get me wrong, but you two are so different. He's Mr. Mystic Falls, and you're...so much more than that."

         "But he was perfect for Elena?" Lux raised an eyebrow.

         "Um, duh. Elena's Miss Mystic Falls, obviously. They'll get married, have children too young, and grow old together like everyone else. That's what Matt is, and what you're not," Caroline explained, "Don't get too down, though. You'll meet someone who will whisk you away like you want."

         Caroline petted her hair, spoke so softly and genuine, trying to be a supportive friend, but all Lux could hear was how different she was. Delilah and Lucy Morgan, fated to be born in Mystic Falls and clawing to leave it. Lux, who was the outlier, the one not meant for where she was, but bound too tightly to leave.

         Human Lux would've loved everything Caroline had to say. Would've marked it on her mark for the world to see; Lux Morgan wasn't meant for Mystic Falls, she was meant for more. Her pride and joy. But Vampire Lux took it as yet another thing that separated her.

         Caroline and Elena who were human, Bonnie the maybe witch, and Lux the vampire. Three who could live their lives fully, and the one who would inevitably leave. Lux, who could never stay, because her skin wouldn't age. Lux, who would have to leave everyone and everything she knew, perhaps before she was ready.

         "Thanks, Caroline," she muttered, trying to cloud the sadness that hollowed inside her, "You'll find that, too."

✧

         LUX THE OUTLIER walked around the town square, unable to stop herself from noticing every little detail that made her different from everyone else. A family on a picnic, two of her classmates enamored with each other promising themselves to each other, an old man bird watching. Lux, in her seventeen forever beauty, wouldn't have a child or a high school sweetheart, not wrinkles on her face or greying hair. They all belonged; she didn't.

         "Lux!"

         She tensed, hearing Matt run towards her. He looked so young, pleading eyes as he caught his breath. He didn't have his letterman on, but he still looked the part of a high school football player.

         "Hi, Matt," she awkwardly greeted him, trying to give him her best smile.

         "I lost you last night," he started, "And – And I've gotta ask, have you seen Vicki?"

         The smile instantly dropped from her face. "Vicki?" she ventured softly, flashing of last night rushing through her head. Vicki's greying body, the stake Lux drove through her heart, the blood...oh, all the blood.

         "She's missing. I – I don't know what happened. She didn't leave a note, but she's gone. Sheriff Forbes already questioned Elena, Jeremy, and I, but I don't know what to do," Matt admitted.

         "I'm sorry, but I don't know anything," the lie turned her insides sour. She was on a date with him last night, killed his sister, and now here she was pretending like it never happened. Tense and uncomfortable, facing what she did, but turning away from it.

         "It's just, I know you and Stefan were looking for her, and then you disappeared last night..."

         "I wasn't feeling well," she lied again, "Spent the night with Caroline. Look, I'm sorry about Vicki."

         "Yeah," Matt nodded, but he looked far off from her. She swallowed down her guilt, looking away from him and instead focusing on the old man. He looked so peaceful, enjoying the sunny day without a care in the world. He didn't look like a murderer, not a monster – not like her.

         Here she was; Lux the Monster. Lux the Vampire who took Matt up on his offer of a date and killed his sister. Lux the Murderer. Lux – the one who didn't belong.

         "I gotta go, I'm getting lunch with Uncle Tim, but I'll see you at school," she broke away, sending him one last smile before walking away as fast as she could without it looking suspicious.

         In her car, she let out a deep breath. God, she felt terrible. And she was terrible, wasn't she? She killed Vicki, wanted to feed from Elena, and – oh god, Elena. She had to apologize, didn't she? Elena saw her. Yeah, Elena knew about vampires before, but she hadn't seen Lux, hadn't watched someone die like that.

         Before she could fully comprehend it, she was outside the Gilbert house. Knocking on the door, Jenna let her in and she quickly went upstairs.

         "Elena?" she knocked on the girl's bedroom door, "Can I come in?"

         There was shuffling on the other side before the door swung open. "Lux?"

         "Hi," she shyly smiled, "Can we talk?"

         Elena hesitated but did step aside to let Lux in. "So," she started, "I just wanted say that I was sorry, first of all. For last night."

         The Gilbert girl didn't say anything, still stood by the door with tense shoulders. Lux tried not to cower when it was so obvious Elena was on the defense around her.

         "Look, I know that this is new to you, the whole vampire thing and all that. It's new to me too, and it's overwhelming and scary. Vicki should've never been turned – I mean, I didn't turn her, but still – and she should've never gotten to Jeremy. And you're not the right person to be hearing this, but I am sorry that I killed her. It was just – she was hurting you, and I had to stop her. Then your blood, I smelled it, and it smelled so good and I had to run."

         Elena was silent for a moment. "Did you choose?"

         Lux' eyebrows furrowed. "What?"

         "Did you choose to turn?"

         "No, I didn't. It was just done to me, without my consent and then I was left to figure it out."

         "But you came back here. Why?"

         "Mystic Falls is my home, Elena, I wasn't ready to give that up. And Uncle Tim only has me, so I couldn't leave him. I wanted to finish off high school with my friends, I wanted – well, want – to be normal," Lux confessed, "But I'm not. Literally ever since school started the world is just trying to prove to me how not normal I am. I mean, Stefan and Damon moving to town, vampire hunters..."

         "Stefan and I broke up," Elena interrupted.

         "I know, he told me."

         "It's like you said, ever since he moved to town, people are dying. My friends are getting hurt."

         Lux looked down. "I know."

         Elena shook her head. "I have to protect Jeremy from anything that could hurt him. And – And Caroline, with Damon. It felt like just knowing Stefan meant people around me getting hurt. That's why I broke up with him. Are people gonna get hurt because of you?"

         "I don't hurt people, Elena."

         "You killed Vicki."

         "To protect you, and not without guilt. You think I wanted to kill Vicki? You think that I want to drink blood? I wanna be normal. Everywhere I look, I see what I can't have anymore. God, before I turned, I hated the thought of growing up, and now that's all I want. I wanna see myself be wrinkled and grey with arthritis and breathing problems, but I can't have that anymore."

         Lux sighed, shaking her head. "I'm not a monster, Elena. I'm trying really hard to just be a teenage girl like everyone else."

         Elena's lip quivered, eyes tearing up. "I just want it to be like last year. I want – I want Jeremy to be that little kid, and I want you, me, Bonnie, and Caroline to get drunk on the weekends like nothing else matters."

         "I want that too," Lux laughed wetly. "I hate lying to everyone, I just wanna be me."

         Elena's defenses crumbled and she opened her arms for Lux, who took Elena into her own. They stayed there, holding each other and crying.

         "I miss Stefan, but I'm scared," Elena admitted.

         "He really likes you. I don't think he'd ever do anything to hurt you," Lux told her as they calmed down, lying down on the bed together.

         "I know, but I've seen you two when someone's bleeding," Elena mentioned shyly.

         Lux swallowed. All too well she could imagine the smell of Elena's blood, the allure of it all, and the criminally hard time she had getting away from it. "I'm learning control. I'm trying."

         "Thank you for saving me."

         "Of course. You're one of my best friends, Elena. I wasn't gonna let Vicki hurt you."

         "I'm sorry that you had to kill her."

         "I am too," Lux whispered, "But I'd rather kill her than have her kill you."

         Elena squeezed her hand. "I'm glad you're my friend. I'm glad I have you in my life."

         She smiled, eyes brimming with tears at the acceptance. She had imagined many things, especially after she broke up with Stefan and couldn't even look at her after she told Elena her undead status. She had imagined Elena trying to chase her out of town, icing her out, labeling a monster. The fact that Elena did none of that...she wanted to cry.

         Despite her forever state, she still had her friend. Elena was still beside her, and she had Stefan, Bonnie and Caroline too even though they were unaware.

         "How'd your date with Matt go?" Elena asked, trying to move on.

         "Terrible. I killed his sister."

         "Right."

         "So it's kinda over. Probably for the best, I don't think we would've worked. He's still obsessed with you and I...well, I'm trying to figure out my new life. Dating a human doesn't seem like a good idea right now."

         There's a knock at the door. Elena doesn't ask before telling them to come in. Bonnie entered, blinking in surprise at Lux. "I didn't know y'all were hanging out."

         "We're mopping," Elena answered.

         Bonnie raised an eyebrow, joining them on the bed. "What's going on?"

         Elena sighed. "Stefan and I broke up."

         "I'm so sorry. Are you okay? Right, stupid question. I know I've been kind of MIA when you need me the most. I suck," Bonnie apologized.

         Lux shook her head. "You don't suck, Bonnie."

         "Why are you moping?"

         "My date with Matt was a major failure," Lux lied, dramatic sigh and all to cover up the guilt that was seeping through her veins and infecting every inch of her body."

         Bonnie frowned. "You'll find someone else."

         Lux shrugged. Elena sat up with a huff. "I think we need a distraction. Get out minds off of everything."

         "Just remember you asked for it," Bonnie smirked. She stood up, shutting the window before joining them again. Reaching for one of Elena's pillows, she ripped it open and emptied it.

         "Hey!" Elena protested.

         "Be patient," Bonnie chastised her.

         "Okay."

         "I need to swear y'all to secrecy," Bonnie told them seriously.

         "It's kind of a bed week for that king of stuff."

         "Swear, 'cause I'm not supposed to be showing anyone this."

         "I swear," Lux held out a pinky for Bonnie to take. She smiled despite the fact that she was keeping so many secrets that Bonnie didn't know about, and here was Bonnie about to open herself up.

         "I swear," Elena nodded.

         "There's no windows open, right?"

         "Right?"

         "There's no fan. No air conditioning."

         "None," Elena confirmed, "What are you doing?"

         "Grams just showed me this. Y'all are gonna love it. Ready?"

         "Bonnie, what's going on?"

         Bonnie took a deep breath before concentrating. One of the feathers began to levitate. Lux watched in awe. Then, more, all of them, floating from the bed trapped in midair. Lux let out a laugh of pure joy, shock and amazement written on her face as she looked at Bonnie.

         "It's true. Everything my Grams told me. It's impossible and it's true. I'm a witch," Bonnie told them with a smile.

         Lux smiled, desperately wanting to share her own supernatural status, but keeping it under lock. Elena accepted her, but what if Bonnie didn't? What if she ruined everything?

         "I believe you."

         Lux, with a twinge of sadness, whispered, "You're incredible, Bonnie Bennett."

✧

         DESPITE NOT BEING in a party mood, she showed up to the Grill when Caroline asked. A distraction would be good, even if the last party she attended ended with her murdering Vicki Donovan.

         Wait, no.

         Happy thoughts. Totally not guilt-racking thoughts. Vicki Donovan would continue to plague her, but she had a party to attend and brooding in the corner would not be allowed. Caroline would sooner throw her to the wolves than allow that.

         She plastered a smile on her face as she walked in, elevating her shoulders to be composed and relaxed as she looked around. Clocking Caroline immediately by the shrill of her laugh, she saw the blonde standing closely to Tyler Lockwood. Good for her. Matt was by the pool table with them, and that was enough for Lux to look away and decide not to say hi yet.

         She'd find Caroline later.

         By the bar, she found Stefan with another woman and walked towards them. "Hey, Stefan," she greeted.

         "Lux," he raised his glass towards her before gesturing towards the woman, "This is Lexi. She's my best friend."

         "Oh, really?" Lux raised an eyebrow, "Stefan never mentioned you before, but nice to meet you. I'm Lux."

         She extended a hand, which Lexi took. "That's rude, Stefan," she poked the man, "He mentioned you. Baby vamp, right?"

         Lux blushed, a piece of her hair falling to hide her cheeks. "Yep. He's been super helpful, you know, helping me adjust. How long have you two known each other."

         "Oh, decades."

         "Lexi's been a great help. She, uh, she got me out of a dark place many times," Stefan confessed. Lexi softened, taking the hand of her friend. Lux couldn't help but feel affected as well.

         "You must be very lucky to have her."

         "I am."

         Lux looked between them. "Well if Lexi's helped the littlest bit like you've helped me, I understand. I don't know how I'd be able to function without you, Stef."

         "Which is exactly why we need to celebrate you," Lexi smirked.

         Her head snapped to the older vampire. "Celebrate?"

         "Stefan here is refusing to celebrate his birthday today," Lexi informed her, pointedly ignoring the stare from Stefan.

         Lux frowned. "I didn't know it was your birthday."

         "It's not a big deal," Stefan shook his head.

         "I could've gotten you a gift. Baked you a cake. Decorated. Gotten a funny card."

         "That's really not necessary."

         "It's your birthday – it's extremely necessary," Lux insisted.

         "Well, how about you pay for my next drink and we'll call it even."

         "That's not good enough, but fine. Party pooper," Lux rolled her eyes playfully. "I'm still getting you a present."

         Lexi laughed as Stefan sunk into himself. She took pity on him, patting him on the shoulder. "Bonnie just got in, so I'm gonna say hi to her. See you later, birthday boy. Nice meeting you, Lexi!"

         She fluttered away, towards the witch at the other side of the restaurant. "Thank God you're here," Lux pulled her into a hug, "I need more barriers tonight."

         "Oh?" Bonnie raised an eyebrow.

         Lux sighed. "Matt."

         Bonnie gave her an understanding look. "Has he tried to talk to you?"

         "I just got here," Lux shook her head, "Ran straight to Stefan before Caroline could spot me and pull me over. Matt is...not a right now problem."

         "Bonnie, I've been looking for you," Caroline approached, cutting them off, the blonde human ignoring Lux, "I'm totally sorry to do this I know it's so Indian giver and I know we're not even supposed to say that anymore but I need my crystal back."

         "Why? You said you hated it," Bonnie frowned.

         "Then I saw it on you and I realized how great it is, and I've got three outfits I can coordinate it with, so..." Caroline trailed off, eyes set on the necklace.

         "Care, you gave it to Bonnie's, it's hers now," Lux interjected, "We can find you a gem just like it if it's such a big deal."

         Bonnie's hand curled protectively over the necklace. "I'm sorry, Caroline. I can't."

         Caroline shot her an annoyed look. "Well, I didn't want to tell you this, but I'm your friend, when you wear it, it makes you look fat. There, I said it, but it's because I'm your friend, so..."

         "Caroline!"

         "I'm sorry, Caroline. I can't."

         "What do you mean you can't? Bonnie, it's mine," Caroline tried again.

         "I thought you said it was Damon's," Bonnie raised an eyebrow, her hands going on her hips.

         "It is."

         "So he's the one who really wants it back."

         "Damon? I thought you were done with him," Lux frowned, "Caroline, is Damon talking to you again?"

         "Shut up, Lux," Caroline snipped, "Maybe he does want it. Just..." She made a move to snatch the necklace, but yelped as it shocked her, "Are you wearing polyester?"

         "What the hell?"

         "You were really gonna pull it from my neck. What the hell is wrong with you?" Bonnie hissed, stomping away.

         "You can't just snatch jewelry off of her," Lux snapped, turning her back to Caroline. She looked around the bar, finding Damon and stomping towards him.

         The older Salvatore looked amused to see her, that annoying smirk on his face like he saw her as a puppet for him to play with. All it made her want to do was drive a stake through his heart.

         "Stay away from Caroline," she gritted.

         "Hello to you, too, sweetheart," he drawled out.

         "I'm not in the mood to play with you, Damon. Stay away from Caroline. She's not a toy or a bloodbag. If you want something, take it yourself and stay away from my friends or I'll rip out your spine."

         "Big words for someone who didn't know how to use compulsion just weeks ago."

         She gripped his arm, tighter and tighter, twisting it until she could hear his bones break. "I may be young, but that doesn't mean I'm weak. Stay away from her."

         Satisfied, she shot him one last glare before finding Bonnie again.

✧

         LUX WAS FEELING epic...except, not really. Damon was still playing with Caroline, Caroline was crying and feeling useless and wouldn't listen to Lux' assurances that she wasn't, Bonnie was feeling guilty over her interactions with Caroline, and Elena was still debating whether or not it was worth it to be with Stefan while Stefan was in earshot.

         She knew that, because she was in earshot, and she heard everything Elena had to say to Lexi and Lexi's advice back.

         So, Lux Morgan was not feeling epic, but that wasn't even the cherry on top.

         No, of course not! Of course, the party couldn't just end with stupid feelings and teenage, less supernatural-type drama, it had to end with a bang.

         The bang, being Elizabeth Forbes shooting Lexi in the chest with wooden bullets, of course.

         Lux let out a gasp when she first heard, instinct thrusting her forward and Stefan's arms preventing her from getting involved. And after the bang, watching Damon stake Lexi, seeing the blonde turn grey and crumble to the ground.

         Just like she had to Vicki.

         "Stefan..." she whispered, turning to the vampire who had tears in his eyes, "Stefan..."

         "He killed her," Stefan practically whimpered out, unfocused. Lux reached out, giving him her hand to ground him. "Damon just killed her."

         "I'm so sorry."

         She couldn't imagine one of her friends dying, people she had known her entire life, the whole seventeen years, the pain and grief she could feel for them. She couldn't imagine what Stefan was feeling, knowing Lexi for over a hundred years, thousands of memories mixed in, lifetimes spent together.

         A sob escaped his lips, and that was enough for Lux to engulf him in a hug. The sob didn't turn into something bigger. Stefan stayed contained, shocked, still in the grief.

         "I have to kill him."

         "Stefan..." she let go of him, pulling away to meet his eyes sharply, "Don't make any rash decisions."

         "He killed Zach, he killed Lexi, turned Vicki. I have to kill him," Stefan spewed out.

         "Stefan, think about it," Lux tried.

         "Why are you trying to save him? Lux, he's never gonna change! Don't you see that? He's never gonna change!"

         "I'm not defending him, I'm not trying to save him," she shook her head, "I fucking hate Damon, I would bury him a thousand times for everything he's done. Killing Lexi, hurting Caroline...but Stefan, are you the right person to kill him? He's your brother."

         "He's a monster," Stefan spewed.

         "But can you handle it? Can you handle being the one to kill him? I want him dead more than anything, and I can barely stomach the idea, but he's your brother..."

         Stefan stared at her. "Everywhere I've been, pain and death follow: Damon follows me. No more."

         He went to turn away but she grabbed his wrist. "I'll do it."

         "Lux –"

         "No, Stefan. You say you can handle it now, but I don't believe that. I can. I will. Let me kill him."

         Stefan hesitated for the first time before clenching his jaw, resolved, and shaking his head. "This is between me and him."

         He walked away, and she let him. "You should bury Lexi," she whispered, an afterthought when he was almost out of eyesight. If he was listening, he didn't react. She wanted to hit herself over the head for her suggestion, but Lexi...

         She didn't know Lexi. Had barely met her, barely spoken any words to her, but she mattered to Stefan. Stefan shouldn't be using her death as a justification for killing Damon, she deserved more respect than that.

         But it wasn't her place, not really. It wasn't for her to decide, it wasn't between her.

         Lux wasn't feeling epic when she got home, pressing a kiss to Uncle Tim's forehead and turning off the TV as he snoozed on the couch. A birthday to a death day, with Lux caught in the middle again, realizing that her normal town wasn't really normal, if Liz Forbes' vendetta against vampires was any clue.

author's note
me, looking at the transcript: sees "i was feeling epic"
also me: cries

this chapter took me forever to write, and i'm not 100% in love with it, but overall proud. what a doozy. also i love forgetting about my books for 3 months and then coming back and being like "i have no idea what i was doing with this plot point bc i didn't write any notes down and now i have a character to introduce in like 2 chapters and idk who they even are or what i wanted to do with them" so we'll see how that goes

the lux stefan interaction this chapter is *chef's kiss*. i love them so much. i originally planned for a lot more and having lux meet lexi at the boarding house, but then i wanted more girlies intereaction and building on her friendship with elena and bonnie bc they're also important figures in her life and last chapter was stefan heavy. it was time for some friendship balance if i do say so myself

hope y'all enjoyed!!