four violent emotions

✧

          SHE WINCED AS TIMOTHY'S FIST BANGED AGAINST HER DOOR. She was getting better at handling loud sounds, actually she was getting better at a lot of things. No longer did she have to kill everyone she fed from, thanks to Damon, nor did she have to go to the woods and hope that someone was wandering about them. Now, all she needed was some good compulsion, an empty alley way, and a victim. It was so much easier.

But this – at this hour – still got to her. Maybe it was because she wasn't expecting it, even though she should since he did it almost every morning. She wasn't on guard, too busy day dreaming in her own world and getting dressed to even fully recognize the footsteps coming towards her room.

"Breakfast is ready!" he yelled through the door and she winced again. That sort of volume simply wasn't necessary, especially since it was only a piece of wood between the two of them.

"One second!" she yelled back, straightening her shirt and then running her brush through her hair once more. Then, once satisfied, she picked up her back and headed to the kitchen.

She felt bad seeing that her Uncle Tim had already prepared two plates for them. It wasn't that she couldn't eat human food, she could, and it tasted fine, but nothing like it used to. The flavor wasn't as rich, the food wasn't as filling, it only held over cravings for blood for a little while.

But she didn't want to eat breakfast. She was full from dinner last night, and spending too much time with him made her feel guilty for the new changes that had been made to her. It wasn't her fault that she was a vampire now, but sometimes it felt like it, especially with how she chose to adapt to her new life. (E.I: ignore everyone and lock herself in her room for an entire summer!)

"Sorry, I don't have time to eat," she told him apologetically.

She watched his shoulders slump and smile deflate. "I even put blueberries in your pancakes!" he pouted, looking too much like a child for a grown adult, "Come on, you won't be late if you spend one minute eating with me."

"I told Caroline I'd practice some cheer routine with her before school," Lux lied. When she got to school earlier, accustoming herself with the heart beats and blood bags called people, it was easier during class to focus. She wasn't going to fail just because she couldn't keep her fangs in her gums.

"You never eat breakfast anymore. You used to always get sick if you didn't have anything in the morning..." Timothy added, sadly but also suspiciously.

"Well, you know human bodies...always changing," she said awkwardly, shuffling around. "I'll eat a banana in the car if it makes you feel better."

"I just wanna make sure you're starting the day off right," Timothy told her, but there was also something else in his eyes, as if he was worried for another reason.

Lux sighed, going to him and wrapping her arms around. "I'm sorry I don't have time for breakfast, but thank you for making it anyway. I really do need to get going though."

He let her go and she bounced away from him, giving him a final smile. "Love ya!" and then she was out the door, only to come face to face with Damon Salvatore.

She jumped and he smirked, causing her to hit him in the shoulder – and not lightly, though he still didn't seem to be affected by it. "You scared me, dick!"

"Sorry," his tone implied that he was not sorry in the slightest.

"What are you doing here?" she asked him, pushing him off her porch and leading him to her car, "If my uncle sees you..."

"Then I'll compel him to forget," he finished the thought for her, "It's really that simple."

She frowned at him. Compelling felt wrong to her, having the control over someone's life and ability to make them do something against their will. Or locking memories or creating new ones on a whim. Nothing about it made her feel morally correct, especially if she wasn't using it to feed.

Compelling someone to forget she ate from them was better than killing them and rushing to bury the bodies, but that didn't mean she wanted to compel people all the time or for other reasons.

"I'd rather you didn't," Lux said, "If anything, I'd rather you didn't get anywhere near him. I don't want him getting involved in anything, you know, vampire-y."

"Vampire-y?" Damon raised an eyebrow, a look of disappointment on his features.

If she was human, she was sure that she would've blushed in a bit of embarrassment, but luckily her blood didn't flow like that anymore. "Yes, vampire-y. It works."

She pushed past him, walking to her car and getting out her keys from her purse. "What are you doing anyway? I can survive the morning without you, you know."

"I'm well aware of what you're capable of, Luxie, don't worry," Damon chuckled in slight amusement.

Groaning, she shook her head, "Please never call me that ever again."

"Sweetheart it is then," he decided, climbing into her car with her, "Ever thought about just skipping? You're a vampire. You can go to school in a hundred years from now – or never."

Lux gave him a look. "As far as everyone in town is concerned, I'm human, and I'd like to keep it that way. And I actually like school...sometimes, anyway."

"Academics were never for me, honestly," he winked, pulling down the mirror to look at himself and fix his hair. She scoffed at him but turned on her car and started to drive.

"You know you're not getting out with me, right? It's a little weird that an adult like yourself is hanging around a teenager. It'll give people the wrong impression, and I have a bit of reputation I'd like to maintain," Lux told him.

"What? Are you worried Stefan is going to see you with me? He's already told me about you and your weird 'unfounded' hatred for him. Really couldn't be more subtle, could you?"

Again, she was glad that vampires couldn't blush or else she'd be red again. "Well excuse me for not being able to control my emotions. They're so...violent now. I mean, like, before it was easier to subdue them and they weren't as intense but being a vampire has just amplified them."

"Being a vampire amplifies everything. Hearing, smell, and emotions," Damon explained to her, "Maybe our next lessons should be able controlling your feelings a bit."

She leaned over to hit him. "It's not that bad."

"Stefan said you made a scene," Damon cooed at her, cackling a little, "If you aren't careful, he's going to know you're a baby vamp getting lessons from his evil older brother."

"You aren't evil," Lux rolled her eyes, "Right now, you're the only thing keeping me alive."

"Awe, how nice of you, but that's not how Damon's going to see it. He'll just see the villain of his story messing with an innocent and naïve baby vamp. It won't go over well."

"Stefan can go screw himself for all I care. He tells my friend that she's not worth him, he makes her cry, and then he expects me to like him? Even if you hadn't told me about him I wouldn't like him," Lux declared in a fit of rage.

"Easy there, firecracker, no need to get so fired up," Damon calmed her, a lazy smirk coating his features.

"Sorry," she sighed loudly and tried to calm herself, "I get a little worked up over Caroline. She's just...she's my best friend."

"Understandable," Damon shrugged, "Looks like you're about to be at school. Last chance to skip. We can go back to my place and drink bourbon."

He leaned over to her with his mouth a little open and wide eyes, waiting for her to accept the invitation but she shook her head instead. "I told you, I'm not skipping and, also, I don't like bourbon."

"Your loss," Damon shrugged, "Well, I should probably get going then. I'll see you after school, sweetheart."

She stopped the car at a café right before school, letting Damon out before getting into the parking lot and gathering her bag and purse and leaving her car. As she heard the hearts pumping in everyone's chests and the smell of cuts on some their bodies she almost turned around and picked Damon up again – if he was still there anyway.

But no, she couldn't leave. She had school and friends and some sense of normalcy to retain. She swallowed, allowing herself to become Lux the Human for another school day, because that's who she had to be.

Right as she walked into the building, Bonnie came and scooped her by the arm, pulling her close. "I have a bad feeling about Stefan."

"Great, so do I," Lux gave her a smile.

She shook her head. "No, I mean like I touched him and it was...it was dark. Cold. I don't really know how else to explain it other than it felt like he was colder than death and it just didn't feel right. It's like – you feel cold to me, too."

Terror rose in Lux' heart and she quickly wrangled out of Bonnie's grasp. Being colder in death was not what she wanted to hear because that ruined the normalcy she craved. "Really? Because I feel a bit warm right now," Lux chuckled, hoping it didn't sound too forced or suspicious.

Bonnie frowned. "I tried telling Elena but she won't listen to me. She doesn't – she's chalking it up to being nothing and wanting to have a boyfriend. I got that, because Stefan has been good for her, but I don't know about it now. I really wish I had more than a feeling to go on."

"And you think Elena will listen to me? She already knows I don't like Stefan so even if I do find any concrete reason not to like him she'll just blow it off," Lux rolled her eyes, "I just know that he's not a good person but that's not good enough for her."

"And neither is my feeling. I'm starting to think this...witchy stuff isn't something I should tell people about," Bonnie frowned.

"What? Bonnie, no. I believe you, I do. Your gut or your witchy powers – whatever it is – should be listened to," Lux told her earnestly, "Don't give up on it."

"Thanks, Lux," Bonnie squeezed her arm before walking away from her to get to class as the bell rang. Lux seized in fear again when she did, feeling her own skin for the cold temperature. There was nothing she could do about her internal state but it made her want to run away again.

Everything did now.

✧

"I'M SURPRISED YOU'RE a cheerleader. It didn't seem like you, but I like it. Cheerleaders are hot," Damon compliment her over the phone.

Lux rolled her eyes. "You've only known me for a short time, and you didn't know me as a human. I was super into the whole cheerleading and football thing before."

"Ah, before. Not into now, are you?" Damon deduced.

"I hate it when you do that," she frowned petulantly even though he couldn't see her.

"What? You were the one who said you used to be into that, not that you are into it. I'm just listening to you," he defended himself.

"Yeah, but you're also analyzing me."

"It's not my fault that you don't like football anymore. Or cheerleading. If you don't like it, quit. I'll even pick you up from school and bring you back to my place," Damon sweetened the deal a little.

"Good try, but no. I have to do this. My friends will think something's wrong if I don't do cheerleading with them and they already think I'm weird enough now after I ditched them all summer," Lux rolled her eyes, "And maybe it'll help me, you know, connecting with what human me loved."

"But you aren't human anymore, Lux. We've been over this a million times. You're a vampire now and you can't magically become human again just by liking what you used to," Damon said in an exasperated tone.

She frowned, displeased with his statement. She knew that. She knew pretending to be human and throwing herself into what she used to love wasn't going to make her human again. She knew that. But she had to do this. Because she was a completely different person now, and that was scary. She hated it.

She hated that she didn't like partying anymore or cheerleading, or watching soccer with Timothy. Nothing that brought her joy did so anymore because everything was different. Because she kept picturing how in the future – in just a few years – she was going to have to leave Timothy and her friends because they were going to be aging and starting their mortal domestic lives while she would be immortal. Seventeen and not aging.

They would grow up and grow old, they would have families, they would have careers and lives while Lux would be stuck in the past. Just this state for the rest of her life. And she would lots of jobs and lots of adventures and nothing would be permanent for her.

And she hated cheerleading now. She didn't want to spend her Fridays watching guys play football and cheering, but she had to because there were only so many moments she was going to have with her friends.

"I know that, Damon, but this makes me feel better. It makes being a vampire easier, so let me have it," she told him in a tired tone, "I'll see you after practice, alright? I'll even scarf done a bourbon with you."

"Promise?" his tone held a double-edged tone, but Lux didn't read anything into it. It was Damon, after all.

"Promise. Now I've gotta go to practice."

She ended the call, tightening her pony tail before joining the other girls on the field. "Lux! And here I thought you weren't going to show up," Caroline laughed, running up to give her a hug which she graciously accepted.

"Tim called, wants me to know that he's gonna be working late tonight so not to expect him," she lied, giving her friends a smile so they would buy it, "But of course I wouldn't miss this! It's been too long since we cheered together!"

"Ugh, I know right?" Caroline agreed, "Oh! Macy's calling me, I'll be right back!"

And then the blonde bounced away from them, and Lux gave Elena a look, "I'm surprised you're here."

Elena sighed. "I wasn't going to, actually, but Bonnie convinced me. Besides, I can't just live my life being sad, you know?"

"Boy, do I," she muttered, "It's good, though. I think this will be good for you." And me.

"Hey, I know you didn't get on right with Stefan, but I really do like him," Elena started and Lux resisted the urge to roll her eyes, "Caroline and Bonnie agreed to come over for dinner tonight so that you guys can get to know him. I really like him and this would mean a lot to me."

Lux was ready to refuse as she glanced to Bonnie, who gave her a hesitant look to agree. She furrowed her eyebrows because that morning, Bonnie was ready to say that he was a bad guy and now she wanted to have dinner with him? It didn't make any sense, but whatever. She swallowed down the frustration because she couldn't just explode every time she got angry or frustrated.

"Fine," she managed out, trying to give Elena her best smile, "Dinner. It should be fun, right...?"

Elena brightened. "Great! Come over around seven!"

"Perfect!"

Thankfully, practice started so she had a distraction away from Stefan and Elena and the dinner. Though she dreaded it, she knew it needed to be done because that's what good friends did – and she was really trying to be a good friend, she was.

And then when practice was over and she got in her car, she cursed. Fuck – she was supposed to go over to Damon's! He was so going to be upset at her for cancelling especially after she didn't skip school to hang out with him.

She got her phone and dialed him, biting her lip as she waited for him to pick up. "Damon Salvatore, at your service," he said in his smooth voice.

"Hey, Damon. I have to raincheck on hanging out tonight. Elena invited me over for dinner and I really can't miss it," Lux said.

"Sweetheart, but what about our plans? I fully intended on having you love bourbon by the end of the night!" he cried out.

She laughed at him. "And I've to do that, but Elena wants all of us to get to know Stefan and I'd be a bad friend if I couldn't go and I really don't wanna be labeled as a bad friend. I promise that we'll hang out tomorrow night. I swear it. I'm really sorry."

"If you want to be that way, fine. I'll see you tomorrow," he gave a dramatic sigh.

"I'm really sorry," she got out again before ending the call, screaming a little because Damon had already done so much for her and here she was repaying him by cancelling their plans in favor of a last minute dinner.

But whatever. That's fine. He understood and that's what mattered.

So, she went home, showered and got ready for dinner. It would be fine. Only one evening with her friends...and Stefan. Great. No, it would be fine and she would control her temper and everything would be just peachy. She would be the positively thriving seventeen-year-old girl she was – who she always will be.

And before she could talk herself out of it again, she was in Elena's driveway before seven and got out. She still had time to call Damon and ask to hang out, or to go to the Grill or go home to Uncle Tim. They could watch a documentary together like the man loved.

No, she was here, so here she would stay. She knocked on the door, hearing Elena's footsteps as she got to the door and opened. "Lux, you're early!"

"I hope that's okay," Lux rubbed her arm a bit anxiously, "Uncle Tim wasn't home and I didn't have anything else to do."

Elena shook her head. "No, that's totally fine. You can help Bonnie and I cook. Come in," she waved her hand and walked away from the door as Lux hesitated. She was invited in, so it shouldn't be a problem, but she still toed the line and apprehensively put her foot through the door, sighing in relief when it worked before pulling her body through the door as well.

"Hey, Bon!" Lux said when she got in the kitchen, waiting to be directed towards cutting up some vegetables and getting to work.

"Hey, Lux," Bonnie greeted her as well, and they settled into whatever Bonnie and Elena's conversation before she arrived was. Bonnie began to explain the strange incidences happening to her and the intuitions she was getting as Elena shrugged it off and tried to find a logical explanation.

"You explain it," Bonnie finally said, "Last night, I'm watching Nine-O, a commercial break comes on and I'm like, I bet it's that phone commercial. And sure enough, it's that guy and the girl with the bench, he flies to Paris and he flies back. They take a picture."

"Oh, come on," Elena shook her head, "That commercial's on a constant loop."

"I agree with Elena on that one," Lux agreed, because while she fully believed in whatever witchiness Bonnie had going on (though she wished it wasn't), that could just be chalked up to good guessing.

"Fine. Well, how about this? Today I'm obsessed with numbers. Three numbers. I keep seeing 8, 14, and 22. How weird is that?" Bonnie asked.

"Maybe we should play the lottery," Elena joked and even Bonnie had a small laugh, "Have you talked to your Grams?"

Bonnie shook off the notion, "She's just gonna say it's because I'm a witch. I don't wanna be a witch. Do you wanna be a witch?"

"I don't wanna be a witch," Elena agreed.

"I think I'd be cool," Lux disagreed, "I mean, magic and rituals. Potions and black cats and riding brooms. I mean, Sabrina the Teenage Witch lived a good life. I'd love to be her."

And maybe that's why she was the one who got herself turned into a vampire. She always wanted to be something more than she actually was, she wanted to be better than she was, worth more...and now she was a vampire. Of course. And now all she wanted to be normal – oh fate, you cruel player!

As they dumped the food into a nice bowl, Elena muttered, "Okay, serving spoons. Where are the serving spoons?"

"You live here – shouldn't you know this?" Lux questioned, because she knew where to find just about everything in her kitchen.

"Middle drawer on your left," Bonnie said absentmindedly. Her eyes light up with a I told you flare when she was right, Elena going to the drawer and finding the spoons she needed.

"Okay, so you've been in this kitchen like a thousand times," Elena wrote off Bonnie's correct answer. Lux eyed Bonnie for a second and made a mental note to ask Damon later if witches were in fact real. She probably should've by now after Bonnie's insistence on something weird going on with her, but she just kept forgetting.

The doorbell rang and Elena jumped, eyes becoming full of panic. "Okay, he's here. Don't be nervous. Just be your normal loving selves," she said to the both of them and Lux rolled her eyes. Yeah, because they were the nervous ones.

The dinner itself was normal enough. Elena kept most of the conversation going and was the bridge between the girls and Stefan. Lux picked around her food because it was all bland and nothing interesting, but it would have to do because she didn't feel like going hunting after this tonight. No, she needed to do her homework and be a good student, because that's what humans did.

Elena forced Bonnie to talk about her heritage of witches, which she didn't seem enthusiastic about, and Lux to talk about her Uncle Tim who was a professor at Mystic Falls Community College.

Stefan asked where Caroline was and no one could answer, and when they were about done eating, the doorbell rang.

Elena went to go open up the door, and the three went to the living room to get a better sight, seeing Caroline there...with Damon. What the fuck.

"Sorry I'm late! Mom held me up and didn't even let me text you guys that I was going to be late and so then I went to the grocery store to get dessert as a sorry where I found Stefan's brother, Damon, and he said that he was also invited and in the same predicament as me, so here we are!" Caroline rambled, a bright smile coating her features.

"Oh," Elena blinked, looking to Damon because, as far as Lux knew, he wasn't actually invited. So she didn't know why he was there, but she did know how he found out.

"Hope you don't mind," Damon added with a suave smile.

"What are you doing here?" Stefan asked in a tense tone, immediately creating tension in the room.

"Waiting for Elena to invite me in," Damon said as if it was simple, or that he answered Stefan's real question. Even though she didn't like Stefan, she agreed with him on this.

"Oh, yeah, you can..."

"No, no, no. He can't, uh...he can't stay. Can you, Damon?" Stefan asked.

Now, Lux frowned. Even though she didn't know why Damon was there and agreed with Stefan before, this was a bit too far. "Oh, come on, he can join us and we can all just get to know each other," Lux smiled.

"It's fine," Elena relented, "Just come on in."

Damon stepped inside, toeing the line as well but more confident than Lux had been, fully entering and closing the door behind him. "You have a beautiful home, Elena."

"Thank you," Elena said, taking the cake that Caroline bought and putting it in the kitchen as the rest of them gathered in the living room.

"I cannot believe that Mr. Tanner let you on the team," Caroline told Stefan, because apparently Elena convinced him to play football because he was somewhat good at it, "Tyler must be seething. But good for you. Go for it."

"That's what I always tell him. You have to engage. You can't just sit there and wait for life to come to you. You have to go get it," Damon agreed, sending Stefan a little wink.

"Yeah, Elena and Lux weren't so lucky today. It's only because they missed summer camp. God, I don't know how they're ever going to learn the routines. I mean, of course I'll work with them, but..." Caroline continued on.

"I'll help. They'll get it," Bonnie added.

"You know, you don't seem like the cheerleader type, Elena," Damon turned to her, and Lux frowned because that's exactly what he told her earlier.

"Oh, it's just 'cause her parents died. Yeah, I mean, she's just totally going through a blah phase. She used to be way more fun. And I say that with complete sensitivity," Caroline gave Elena an innocent look at the end.

Lux shuffled around uncomfortably, because she understood Elena. More than anyone else, probably. Her mother was dead, but that was long ago, and then she died. She was going through her own blah stage and she wasn't as fun anymore, and she was dead.

She was dead.

Her parents didn't die, she did. And she shut everyone out, and she didn't know who she was anymore. And here Caroline was sitting talking about cheerleading and football because that's what mattered to her. She was normal. And that was Lux, too. She used to be just like Caroline where all she cared about was cheerleading and dances and parties.

But now she was dead, and everything changed, because she could have a million proms and a million cheerleading teams to be on. High school didn't have to be a one-time thing for her.

"I'm sorry, Elena. I know what it's like to lose both your parents. In fact, Stefan and I have watched almost every single person we've ever cared about die," Damon said with an edge of compassion and sympathy.

"We don't need to get into that right now, Damon," Stefan stopped him from continuing.

"Oh, you know what, you're right. Stef. I'm sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was bring her up. Mmm."

Lux' frown deepened and she almost asked who her was, but refrained. Now wasn't the time because she was supposed to be in her best behavior, even though this dinner party officially ended as a shit show.

At the end of dinner, Lux got into her car, sighing before driving away. She wasn't surprised when Damon was at her door when she got home, always arriving before her and always waiting around. "Why were you at dinner?"

"Well, Stefan's still my little brother, despite everything, and I wanted to get to know his little friends – and yours, of course," Damon answered, "Oh, come on, don't get upset over this."

"I'm not upset," Lux denied it, "I just – you said that to me."

"What?"

"You told me that I didn't look like the cheerleader type, and then you told Elena that," and it sounded so very childish saying it out loud, but she couldn't help it.

Damon's lips turned to a smile. "Don't tell me you're jealous."

"I'm not," she denied it again.

"Good, because there's no reason to be jealous. I'm not going to Elena's front door and inviting her to my home like I am you. You're my sweetheart, not her."

It was silly that him saying that spread some little butterflies in her, knowing that she was his sweetheart and no one else, and that she was special to him like he was to her. "Good," she said, giving him a kiss on the cheek because she felt particularly bold before pushing past him and going inside. "Goodnight, Damon."

"Goodnight, Lux," and then he was gone. She smiled, pressing her fingers to her lips where she kissed his cheek, feeling just like a normal teenager.

✧

BUT, OF COURSE, everything human had to be ruined for her as a reminder that she wasn't that anymore. She transformed, died, and came back as a vampire. She wasn't just some teenage girl anymore, evidenced by the dead body of Coach Tanner.

Something in her gut told her this was a vampire. Something in her gut told her it wasn't normal, not just a fight, not just a human. There was her, Stefan, and Damon. She knew she didn't kill him, because why would she? She had no reason for him to be dead.

And the brothers were here, they were at the game and Stefan was a football player about to star in his first game and Damon was here for support. For her and for Stefan. It wasn't Damon, because it couldn't be Damon. He didn't just kill, and Stefan already was on the wrong foot with Coach Tanner.

It had to be him.

So, when Stefan went to leave, Lux ran to slam him into his car. "You killed him," she uttered, "Why did you kill him?"

Stefan blinked at her in surprise. "You're a vampire."

author's note
wow it's been a long time since i last updated lux, almost a year. i really didn't mean to go this long without an update, i'm sorry, but life has been going and going without stop this year and i haven't had much inspiration to write. but here we are! with this!

if you actually stuck around and are reading this, thank you! i hope this long chapter is worth it and hopefully i'll have an update before another year has passed. anyway, i hope you're excited for the stefan/lux confrontation next chapter!!