I couldn't sleep.

1 am.

2 am.

3 am.

Time passed slowly, silently, leaving me buried with thoughts. My mind was fully awake, even if my heart wanted nothing other than to close my eyes and just forget. To wipe out everything around me. To make it meaningless. I didn't want anything to matter. Infected, Ground Zero, Chase's words.

"Early tomorrow morning."

I sat up, pushing the hair out my face. Until I made contact with my skin, I didn't realize how hot I was. Beads of sweat trickled down my face. I wanted to stop the incessant pounding in my ears. I looked down and even with the darkness I knew my hands were shaking. I put them over my necklace trying to catch my breath. I held so tightly, my nails dug into my palms. I felt like my head was going to explode, like someone was choking me, stopping the air entering my lungs.

I rushed out of the dorm, frantically scrambling to get out. My bare feet were tingling on the cold tiles. The lit candles on both sides of the hallway were enough to illuminate the area. Instantly, my feet gave out and I dropped to the ground, leaning as close to the wall as possible.

Putting my head in my hands, I let the first tear roll down my cheek. It fell onto my sweatpants, instantly turning the spot a darker shade of blue. Tear after tear slid down until I wasn't able to control them anymore.

I let myself cry.

For the first time I let it hurt. I let it envelope me, and squeeze and burn, and hit. I let it punch me mercilessly, letting in the reality.

The reality that I missed my family. Missed the way it was. Missed the weekends, waking up by the smell of pancakes my dad made every Saturday. Missed my mom's laugh and the way she would look at me with those eyes that said a million things. Missed my sisters rushing up to me, and with their small hands wrapping themselves around me no matter how much it annoyed me. I bit my lip, my teeth scraping the skin. I closed my eyes, tasting the metallic, salty liquid.

I just want this to end.

I jumped up as I heard a door a couple of rooms down open. I turned the other way, slowly walking the opposite direction. I stopped once I reached the corner, recognizing the voice.

"I don't know if I can," I knew that Chase was speaking without needing to turn around and check. I could recognize his voice anywhere.

The girl sighed in irritation, "Right. You're busy with your other girls."

"That's none of your business." I hated the way he talked to people. Like they were less important than him. Like he had power over them. Control them. Play with them.

"What are we Chase?"

"Honestly...I didn't realize you thought we were something." He said it so nonchalantly, like he didn't know he obviously meant something to her.

"I like you," She admitted and I felt guilty for listening, but I couldn't prevent myself from not. I felt bad for her, whoever she was. Chase wasn't the right person for anyone and I felt bad she wasn't able to realize that. "I don't want this to be just nightly visits, I want us to be something."

"I don't do girlfriends, Jess," He stated, his voice flat without an ounce of emotion. "I told you that."

I couldn't hear anything after that. After waiting a minute, I turned around. I slowly walked out from the corner only to find myself being inches away from Chase. He looked at me with eyes that seemed even darker than they usually are. I let out a gasp, backing away.

"What the hell are you doing?"

I gulped, trying to control my heartbeat. I probably looked like a mess. I could perfectly picture myself. My hair a tangled disaster, my eyes puffy and red, tears dried on my face.

I cleared my throat, adjusting the black cami top. "I - I just wanted to take a walk."

He crossed his arms over his chest, adjusting his head to take a better look at me. "Just a walk, huh?"

I wanted to hide from his gaze. I felt vulnerable. Exposed.

"Yes." I whispered, hugging my torso. I felt cold, tired, and I just wanted to go back to my room.

He didn't say anything, passing me. For some reason I felt disappointed. I wanted him to say something. Do something. Hell, even a nod would be sufficient.

I slowly started walking towards my room when I heard his voice again. "Learn to be a better liar Aliana."

The way he said my name made me grit my teeth in annoyance. It was all too confident, full of mockery. He knew why I was up. He knew I didn't want to go on that run. He enjoyed my torment.

I turned around to find him watching me. Observing me. I saw red, anger flashes dancing in the back of my head.

I said something I instantly regretted, "Learn to not be a dick."

I inspected him to come to me. To slowly, calmly, dangerously threaten me, or act out. He didn't. He stayed glued to his spot.

Instead, he smiled. Smiled. A slow, amused smile.

"Sleep well. It's gonna be a long day tomorrow."

I wanted to scream. To yell. To do anything than to just watch him gloat. I didn't though. I didn't have it in me. I just wanted to curl up into my bed and try to sleep.

I exhaled, turning away. I entered the pitch black room not minding his stare all the way back.

I managed to sleep for half an hour. At 4:30 I was up, getting ready. Kana gave me the respectful clothing Commander instructed her to give me. I was in the bathroom, splashing my face with cold water and I couldn't help but linger on my reflection a little too long.

I didn't look like me.

My eyes were still red from yesterday night, dark circles forming around them. I looked closely trying to find that shine in my eyes people always pointed out.

"Your eyes always betrayed you Allie," My parents told me. "When you feel down, you're good at hiding it - "

"How do you always know, then?" I cut her off as I tried to suppress the sobs. I was 15 and recently broke up with some guy I was dating for four months. Well, he broke up with me.

I tried my best for anyone to not know. It was easier that way. You don't constantly get reminded of it or looked at sympathetically like you are broken.

"That shine in your eyes always gives it away," My mom answered, sitting on the couch next to me and wrapping her hands around me. "When you're not you it disappears. Every single time."

I searched for that glimmer mom and dad talked about, desperately trying to find it.

Please be there. Please be there. Please be there.

Only dim, deep green eyes stared back at me. A hot tear dropped down and I realized that I was really gone.

That I became a stranger to my own self.

"We are taking the trucks, right Chase?"

Around 5 people and I were in the very back of the building where all the vehicles were stored. I was in the far corner observing everybody. I restlessly tapped my boot on the pavement, biting the inside of my cheek. I could have helped, but I didn't really know how to. They didn't seem to mind me not doing anything either.

"Just one," Chase replied as he checked all the weapons. He began giving them to everyone, "We're just going to the nearest infirmary. Kana and others ran out of the supplies."

"Is he better?" The guy that I learned was Cody asked quietly as Chase handed him the rifle.

"Wouldn't get my hopes up."

I wondered who "he" was and what happened to him. Was it their friend? Did he get hurt on the run? Why couldn't he get his hopes up if Kana can help him when we get her the supplies?

Chase finally moved to me and handed me the handgun. "It's the one you practiced with."

I took it, holding it tightly with my right hand. I could feel my heart thumping loudly in my chest. He looked at me for a moment too long and I wanted to ask what he was looking at, but before I could he moved onto the girl a few feet away from me.

They started piling bags and the rest of the weapons into the trunk. I turned around as I heard my name being called. I narrowed my eyes, trying to figure out where the sound came from.

Finally, I noticed gray eyes in the back corner. "Jake?"

He smiled lightly, motioning his head for me to come. I turned back to see everyone else still packing and I quietly moved to the entrance.

"What are you doing here?" I whispered harshly, afraid he was going to get caught. "You can't be here, you know that right?"

"I know, I know," He said, his gray eyes shining in the dim light. "But you were already gone when I came to your room and I had to see you before you left."

I was silent for a while. I just looked at him, devouring this moment. He was the only thing keeping me stable. Sane. I don't think I would have been able to do this without him.

"Allie, you'll be fine," He assured. "You were on the road before. You survived for days outside, you'll be fine now."

"That was at the beginning of the pandemic Jake," I argued, fear rising in me. "There weren't that many of them. And my mom and dad were there. I - I didn't really fight. That was mostly them - "

"Hey, hey, hey," He gently put his hand on my cheek, making me look up at him again. I realized my vision was blurry and I hated myself for letting him see me like this. "You're strong. You're smart. You're not going to die."

"How can you know for sure?"

"Because I can't lose you," He finally answered. It was a mere whisper, that if I wasn't so close to him I would think my mind was playing tricks on me. "Not you."

I wondered if he could hear my heart that was slamming against my ribcage. Wondered if he thought I felt the same about him. Wondered if he wanted what I wanted right now. My mind was screaming, begging to fulfill that small space between us.

Suddenly, his gaze darkened, his eyes burning with something so foreign to me. I wondered if he could read my thoughts. He hesitated for another excruciating moment before he bent down and pressed his soft lips against mine. And before I realized he was kissing me and kissing me and kissing me.

And I was kissing him back.

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Chapter 9 is up!

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Hope you enjoyed, next chapter is already being written so be on the lookout for that!!