✦

"You look busted, are you alright?" Wooyoung asks, peeking over his shoulder, as Yeosang walks into the living room.

Sometimes people take Wooyoung's words as being rude, but in his mind it's not meant that way. He might seem like he doesn't think twice before speaking, but everything he says comes straight from his heart, and Yeosang has always appreciated his honesty.

"Good morning to you too," Yeosang grumbles, although well aware of how his appearance has been one of the last things on his mind lately.

While letting Wooyoung go on and on about the date he went on last night, Yeosang is more busy staring into the half-empty fridge in search for something somewhat eatable. In reality he isn't even that hungry, he is simply trying to distract himself from his own reality.

The floor in his bedroom is covered with work applications that he has yet to send out - something so easy, but so goddamn hard at the same time. Getting a job would mean he had to leave the apartment, and whenever he does that he feels like drowning.

Yeosang feels trapped within himself, and it only intensifies whenever he goes out into the real world. And when he is with Lucas, he might as well just drop dead. It's been weeks since he slept with Seonghwa, since he cheated on his beloved boyfriend, but the sound of Seonghwa moaning his name and the touch of the older's hands are hard to get rid of.

Even when Lucas is on top of him, choking him while fucking him harder than ever, Yeosang can't stop his mind to drift off to the thought of Seonghwa on top of him instead. And he hates it, he hates the shame that has followed from what he did - but most of all, he hates himself.

"Anyway, I gotta go, see you losers later!" Wooyoung grins, swinging his brown leather bag over his shoulder. As soon as he's left the apartment, only silence is left behind.

Well - that and Yeosang standing next to the fridge, and San sitting at the dining table, reading through some interior magazines. San briefly looks up, glaring at Yeosang before retuning to the colorful pages in front of him.

"You know," San suddenly says, just as Yeosang is about to leave, "a hairbrush wouldn't hurt you."

"A brick would hurt you though," Yeosang mumbles under his breath, side eyeing the younger who has now leaned back in the chair - arms crossed in front of his chest, while he glares back at Yeosang.

"What did you just say?" San then asks, his face stone cold, just like his voice.

"Nothing. I'll be in my room."

San is grumbling something Yeosang doesn't even bother to hear, while he walks back to his room. Just another day in hell.

✦

As days are passing by, only the guilt of having cheated remains, while the memory of actually having felt Seonghwa's body against his own again fades away. When they see each other at Lucas' office building, although rarely, the look in Seonghwa's eyes are spreading doubt that they had ever even been together at all. Ever.

But Lucas' touch is still burning against Yeosang's skin, and his kisses are suffocating. Yeosang wants to break free, every time he is pinned to the bed, but he doesn't dare to. Lucas knows how to make him feel good, of course he does, but the voices in his head won't leave him alone, they won't let him enjoy it as he used to.

Slowly, Yeosang starts to notice how Lucas is starting to behave different as well - and deep down he prays, no matter how wrong it is, that the older might have fucked up as well. Suddenly a strange distance has become between them, but Yeosang has no idea what to do or say.

One night, a Saturday in late October, Yeosang once again finds himself in the company of a room full of Lucas' business partners, inclusive Seonghwa.

The dinner drags on, the food is amazing, but to Yeosang it tastes like nothing - just like the wine is doing nothing for him either. Seonghwa has ignored him all night, not even laying eyes on him for just one second, and it pains Yeosang to no end. But both of them will soon be occupied by something else.

"May I have everyone's attention, please?" Lucas says, rising from the chair and clinking his fork against his wine glass. "I'd like to thank all of you for coming tonight. This isn't just a normal dinner party. Tonight is a very special evening, one I've been preparing for, for a long time now. Ah... I don't know why I feel so nervous all of a sudden. You all know me, I'm not one to be easily shaken, but-..."

As Lucas' speech goes on, Yeosang feels his stomach turn. Something is off, really off. The fear of what the handsome older is about to say, is like a choking hand around Yeosang's neck, and he blankly stares at the plate of food in front of him.

"But this man next to me; he has shaken me. Shaken my entire world, actually. Three years ago we met, and I must admit it's never been so hard to impress someone before. That is what makes Yeosang different, what makes me love him so much. What makes me want to spend the rest of my life with him."

Yeosang can feel a big lump in his throat, and he doesn't know if he's about to cry, or scream out loud. Or just both. He clenches his hands under the table, cold shivers running down his back while his heart is beating in his ears.

"Kang Yeosang. Will you marry me?"

Lucas kneels down, ring in his hands, while he looks at Yeosang next to him. A true dream scenario, but to Yeosang it feels like his worst nightmare.

While the guilt is telling him he is unworthy, something else starts to mingle itself into his thoughts. The words Jun had whispered in his ear at the coffee shop. Even if Yeosang hadn't cheated, would he ever actually be happy like this? Is marriage even made for someone like him? Or will it only make him feeling held down, dependent on someone else for the rest of his life?

"W-what..." the whisper that leaves his lips are barely heard, even by himself, while he stares at Lucas.

"I love you, baby, I love you so much," Lucas whispers back, although his voice being the opposite of Yeosang's - soft.

Everyone's eyes are resting on them, even Seonghwa has finally given in and is watching Yeosang like a hawk. For a brief moment, their eyes meet but when it happens, Seonghwa quickly pulls his stare away.

"I... I... I need to get out of here. Excuse me." Yeosang rises from his chair, and runs out the room with everyone looking confused behind him.

He storms down the hallway, bursting through the doors to get outside. The cold autumn air embracing him, trying to calm him down. With his heart pounding in his chest, and his breathing out of control, Yeosang stumbles around - until he finally gets to support himself against the wall of the restaurant.

"Baby..." Lucas calls out, and Yeosang pinches his eyes closed while he wishes the older would just go away. "Yeosang. What is going on?"

Tears break free from Yeosang's eyes, the second Lucas wraps his arms around him. While sobbing against the well trained chest, Yeosang wishes nothing more than to go back in time - and never have slept with Seonghwa, not even looked his way at all.

"What is happening?" Lucas mumbles into his hair, kissing it softly, making Yeosang's heart break from his own stupid mistake. "Did I do something wrong?"

"L-Lucas... I..." Yeosang sobs, forcing himself to pull away from Lucas' warm embrace - well aware that this might have been the last time those arm would hold him like that.

"I'm sorry... I thought you'd be happy..."

"Lucas I... I slept with someone else." The second those words, those heartbreaking words, have left his lips, everything seems to freeze around them.

Nothing but silence is lying between them, and Yeosang doesn't even dare to look at Lucas right now. The pain is rushing through him like giant waves, while he clenches his fists at his sides.

"What? Are you serious?" The tone in Lucas' voice is confused, filled with disbelief over his boyfriend's confession. But within seconds his voice changes, turning into a deep growl that makes Yeosang's legs shake under him. "Who was it? I swear to fucking God, Yeosang, if it was Jun!"

"N-No... It wasn't... It was just... A random nobody... I was drunk and I... I fucked up."

"A random nobody?" Lucas scoffs, taking a step closer, which instantly makes Yeosang flinch. "My boyfriend, cheated on me - fucked another guy, and now he tells me, it was a random nobody?"

"Y-Yes..."

A small whimper is pushed out, as Yeosang is pushed against the wall - Lucas' hands in a firm grip around each of his shoulders, holding him in place. The brown eyes have darkened, and are piercing through Yeosang's, making his lower lip tremble.

Yeosang has always known that Lucas has a problem controlling his temper, and getting to know something like this, will definitely tick him off real good. He has seen the older angry many times before, but never towards him, and never like this.

"I... I'm sorry, Lucas... I..."

"You're sorry?" Lucas snorts, rolling his eyes at the apology that Yeosang already knew wouldn't help at all, "I wasted three years of my life, on a fucking slut like you. And all you can say is, you're sorry?"

The grip around his shoulders is starting to hurt, and Yeosang squirms from the pain. His vision is still blurry from the endless river of tears that run from his eyes, and his sobs are making his body shake each time.

"Don't ever come near me again, or I'll call the fucking cops on you."

Yeosang feels another hard push against his shoulders, his back hitting the cold wall behind him, while Lucas' last words cut through his heart.

And just like that, Yeosang is left alone outside, crying and hurt - but he knows he deserves every single bit of it. This is what used to be the only feeling he knew, pain. Pain is all he ever deserved.

✦

Through the walls to his bedroom, Yeosang can hear Wooyoung and San having an argument in the kitchen. Wooyoung's loud voice is making it easy for everyone to always know where he is, but today he seems to have lowered it just a bit. But Yeosang is still well aware of what they are talking about.

Ever since he and Lucas broke up, Yeosang has been an even bigger mess than the weeks prior to the break up. It's only been a week since he was left crying on the streets, having had to make the worst confession of his life, and tonight is the first night Wooyoung won't be home this week.

Instead he wants San to hang out with Yeosang, to make sure he is okay - something the younger blonde has no intention of doing. Not that Yeosang wanted him to anyway.

"Sangie, could you come out here, please?" Wooyoung asks, popping his head into the bedroom.

The concern in his eyes is shining at Yeosang like a spotlight, and he unwillingly follows Wooyoung to the living room.

"So, guys! I hope you'll have a fun night together!" Wooyoung says, giving both Yeosang and San a pat on their shoulders. "I probably won't be back before tomorrow, this girl seems to be down for the dirty tonight, so..."

Yeosang nods slowly, hiding the sigh that is forcing itself out by the thought of spending the night with San, while San is busy rolling his eyes.

While walking to dump down onto the couch, Yeosang grabs the remote control and starts zapping through the channels. Despite Wooyoung's hard attempt to make him and San hang out, he already knows neither will actually end up doing it, and as soon as Wooyoung has left - they'll just return to their separate rooms.

"You should wear a scarf, it's getting cold outside!" San says, brows furrowing down as he looks at Wooyoung's outfit for the night.

"Ah... I don't know where I've put it though..."

"You can borrow one of mine," San instantly responds, disappearing into his room, and returns a short minute later with a grey knitted scarf in his hand.

While San wraps the scarf around Wooyoung's neck, Yeosang watches them from the couch. He hasn't really been paying attention to their behavior towards each other, but suddenly it's clear as day.

The way San looks at Wooyoung while carefully making sure he won't be cold on his way to his date, and the smile on San's face that fades, as soon as Wooyoung turns around and leaves the apartment.

Yeosang knows that look, the feeling that lays behind that particular gaze. He knows it because he has felt it himself. The feeling of loving someone who doesn't love you back. When he thinks back he realizes that is how San has always looked at Wooyoung, ever since their friendship started four years ago.

"You... You are in love with Wooyoung..."

San spins around, his eyes widened up to double their normal size, as he stares at Yeosang in shock.

"W-what?"

__________________________________

A/N: TBH I don't know what I am doing with this story atm. This isn't how the storyline with Yeosang and Lucas was orignally planned to go - but as my brain suddenly decided for Yeosang to sleep with Seonghwa, well... Had to change a lot of things. Hmmm, but it did make room for some other stuff though ;D Sorry for making Lucas go off like this, but I needed his outbursts to trigger Yeosang. Stay tuned, and let's see what happens in this mess of a story...