✦

Four years might have passed by, but as Yeosang feels Seonghwa's body against his own - it seems like it had happened just yesterday. Or maybe it is the feeling of this being just right.

But even with that thought trying to take over inside his mind, and with Seonghwa's soft tongue swirling around his own, Yeosang knows he should feel guilty. He knows that what he is doing in this moment is far from right. But he can't stop.

The bed, in the first and best hotel they could find, is creaking as Seonghwa increases the speed and Yeosang is almost drowned in the ocean of flashbacks from when they used to have sex. Tonight feels just the same, maybe even better after years of being apart, and Yeosang bites his lower lip not to scream out Seonghwa's name.

With his eyes closed, Yeosang eventually gives in - letting the name of the older roll over his lips, and the response is a kiss so hungry it could devour him. Seonghwa lets a deep moan into Yeosang's mouth, when he so patiently has made room for all of his length to go inside.

"Yeosang..." he whispers, his lips tickling down Yeosang's neck, "You feel as amazing as I remember..."

Seonghwa presses his lips onto Yeosang's once again, their tongues meeting in a dance and when Seonghwa thrusts his hard member deeper inside, Yeosang's moans are swallowed by their kiss.

He runs his fingers through Seonghwa's dark, tangling them into it and holding onto it like his life depends on it. Seonghwa's hands are on his hips, holding his lower body up from the mattress and pulling him in with each hard thrust.

Yes, Seonghwa was indeed hot before, but seeing and feeling him now is just like a dream. His body is toned, giving away that he must use quite a lot of time on working out. His arms are stronger too, able to toss and turn Yeosang just as he pleases.

"Harder... Please..." Yeosang gasps, as their lips break free from each other again.

A satisfied smirk shows on Seonghwa's face before he suddenly pulls out, and within a second he has flipped Yeosang around to lie on his stomach instead.

"Get up on your knees," he commands, getting out of bed himself. Yeosang does as he is told, his body already longing for Seonghwa's touch.

Standing on the floor, Seonghwa pulls Yeosang closer, entering him again from behind. Yeosang pants heavily, as he feels himself being stretched out again, and this time he isn't given much time to adjust before he is literally being pounded into the mattress.

His legs are shaking under him, his vision is blurry and his throat drying out from gasping Seonghwa's name in a endless loop. Sex with Seonghwa has always felt different from anything else, and Yeosang knows the sole reason why.

Because he loves him.

✦

The sun is peeking through the curtains, lighting up Seonghwa's sleeping face. Yeosang has just woken up, in some ways unsure of how much sleep he actually managed to get himself. Locks of the dark hair is falling over the face of the older, and Yeosang carefully brushes it away.

Looking at him now, Yeosang can't deny just how much he has missed that face. Thinking back, Yeosang has started to believe that he fell in love with Seonghwa the very first time he saw him. Even back then, when he thought love wasn't made for someone like him. But deep in his heart he tries to hide the truth that he is afraid to admit to himself; Park Seonghwa was, and will always be, the love of his life.

But as soon as Seonghwa wakes up, Yeosang is pulled right back to reality. The older sits up in the bed, looking confused around the room as if he doesn't remember anything. Looking back and forth from Yeosang to anywhere else in the room. His eyes flicker around and he clears his throat enough times to make it awkward. After a short while, he swings his legs over the side of the bed and runs his hands through his hair, before he covers his face with them.

"This... This shouldn't have happened..." he mumbles into his hands. "What we did... It was wrong."

Yeosang stays silent, in some ways he isn't surprised at all, but that doesn't mean he isn't disappointed. The words sting, but Yeosang won't let it show. Instead he rolls out of bed and starts collecting his clothes that are thrown all over the floor.

"Yeosang."

And just as Yeosang had dared himself to get used to the soft way Seonghwa said his name again, the next moment it was all gone. The voice is cold and emotionless - hurtful.

"Are you going to tell Lucas about this?" Seonghwa then asks, the only thing showing in his voice is a hint of concern - for himself, of course. Yeosang sends him a quick look, shaking his head before bending down to put on his shoes.

"No, don't worry about it," he mumbles, and he means every word.

With swift steps he leaves the hotel room, the second he steps outside tears are rolling down his cheeks. His heart has been shattered into a million pieces again. It might have hurt the first time, but this time it feels even worse, because this time had had something the last one didn't. Hope.

✦

Back in the apartment, Yeosang searches through every drawer and unopened moving box, until he finds what he is searching for - the letter Seonghwa gave him in the park. The letter that had taken him months to open, fearing what it might say.

Slowly, he runs his fingers over the handwriting on the paper, reliving every happy memory he has with Seonghwa. But those memories are turning into darkness that only destroys him from the inside.

Letter in hand, he walks to the bathroom, grabbing a lighter on his way and slams the door shut. If there is one thing he has learned by now, it's that love makes you stupid. He was stupid for ever falling in love, and he was stupid to fall right back into Seonghwa's arms at the first chance he got. Lucas is stupid for loving someone like him, who so easily is willing to throw away all that they have built together. And Seonghwa had been stupid when he wrote this, blinded by the love that he thought would last forever, despite everything that happened.

Obviously those written words have no meaning anymore, and holding onto them any longer would be nothing less than foolish.

Yeosang watches in silence how the flames burn through the fragile paper, destroying the last painful hope that Seonghwa would ever be his again. The tears in his eyes don't even justify the hurt he feels inside when he has to acknowledge that those words were just the same as he feels right now - empty.

"Dearest Yeosang.

No matter what happens, always stay true to who you are.

Because this is how I loved you, and how I'll always remember you.

I'm sorry.

- Seonghwa."

✦

"What is that weird stink in the bathroom?" San grumbles, as he walks into the kitchen.

"I don't know? Maybe because you were out there?" Yeosang replies, not even looking at the blonde as he enters. Instead he keep staring at his phone, while chewing loudly on an apple.

"I meant that burnt smell, but whatever," San says with a roll of his eyes. "Do you know when Wooyoung will be back?"

Yeosang just shrugs his shoulders, and the long sigh that comes from San confirms that they're both disappointed to be stuck alone with each other again. San grabs some snacks from the cabinet and disappears into his room, where he most likely will stay for the rest of the day to avoid Yeosang as much as possible.

As soon as he is out of sight, Yeosang puts down his phone. Instead he stares blankly into the air, feeling so upset with himself that he's about to throw up. Seonghwa's touch is still lingering on his skin, Yeosang still recalls the warm breath against his neck, and the lips against his own - and it is making him feel like the worst human being in the entire world.

✦

The guilt grows stronger every day, and Yeosang feels like he is suffocating on the regret that is eating him up from the inside. Whenever he's with Lucas, he feels so disgusted with himself that he doesn't want to let the older touch him at all. But he eventually ends up letting him do as he pleases, as rejecting him over and over would seem too suspicious.

Lucas hasn't made any complaints about the dinner with Jun, at least, so one less thing to worry about. Not that Yeosang has any room left in his brain these days, the shame of what he did takes up all the space and he feels restless no matter what he does. He should tell Lucas, or at least just end the relationship, but Yeosang has grown accustomed to the intimacy of being with another person, and suddenly he desperately wants to hold onto that.

Without even realizing it, he soon becomes extra craving for Lucas' attention, even giving into sending the older messages so sweet they could've been sugarcoated with sprinkles on top. Yeosang also postpones figuring out what to do with his life, just to make time for Lucas whenever he wants to see him - something he definitely hasn't done before. Not to this extend at least.

But being too far gone in his own guilt, Yeosang doesn't notice the changes. Not until one late afternoon...

Yeosang is hanging out at a coffee shop next to Lucas' office building, waiting for the older to finish a meeting that just keeps dragging on. But he would rather sit alone in a coffee shop for hours, doing nothing, than sit at home with San again.

With his lips resting on the edge of the coffee cup, a strange feeling suddenly rushes through him, and as he looks up his eyes meet the icy blue eyes that he would much rather avoid at this point.

"Well, this sure is a first," Jun snickers, walking towards him - his head tilted slightly to the side as he sends a wink Yeosang's way.

"What are you talking about?" Yeosang mumbles, nervously putting the cup down and leaning back in the chair, trying to attain a posture that shows the exact opposite of how he's feeling.

"Kang Yeosang, waiting around for a man. Never thought I'd see that happening."

Yeosang parts his lips, wanting to protest, but soon he's pressed them shut again - he has no good comeback as the truth is thrown directly at him.

"I-I... don't know what you're talking about..." he simply ends up saying, but the lie is obvious.

"Come on, Yeosang... I walked past earlier and saw you sitting here. You're waiting for Lucas, aren't you?" Jun says with a short laugh, his long, draped jacket almost dragging along the floor as he walks over to lean against the empty table next to Yeosang.

Finding nothing else to respond with, than a quick shrug of his shoulders, Yeosang looks down into his half-empty cup - staring at it and wishing he could just disappear into it. He doesn't take his eyes away from it, not even when Jun moves closer, bending down next to him and his familiar scent fills the air around them.

"The wildness running through your veins, can never be tamed by someone like him. You can pretend all you want to, my beautiful," Jun whispers, his soft lips briefly brushing against Yeosang's ear. "But, if you ever get bored of being just a trophy-boyfriend, give me a call..."