✦

Letting go...

Tears are blurring out his vision, while his parted lips quiver with silence flowing from dry throat. He has said the words out loud, he has finally said them, but yet he doesn't feel any different.

"I need to find myself, and I can't do that with the memories of you hovering over me. I have to let you go, please, let me let go..."

Yeosang raises his head towards the sky, where grey clouds are slowly passing by with the promise of rain. His cheeks feel cold, but the rest of his body numb while he sits on his knees and the dirt stains his light blue jeans.

Nothing but silence.

But what did he expect? It isn't like there is anyone to answer him, he is alone at the cemetery - at the place he has only been to once, almost ten years ago.

Swallowing the outburst that is building up in his throat, he pinches his eyes shut. He has had enough, more than enough, and all he wants is just to break free from the shadows that are trying to consume him every day of his life.

"I just want to be happy," he whispers so lowly that his voice is barely even there, "is that too much to ask? Why can't you let me be happy?"

He did not ask to be born into this world, he didn't mean to ruin his mother's life and he never meant to hurt anyone - but it has been in that desperate pursuit he ended up hurting himself, and eventually others too.

"Please, mom..."

The word is like acid on his tongue, it burns and makes him realize he can't even remember calling her that when she was alive. He has used the term mother in mention of her, but not directly to her face.

Yeosang hides his red eyes behind his hands, smearing the tears all over his face as he cries so hard his body is shaking. The wind is starting to pick up, and the trees and bushes are rustling around him, as the first drops of rain start falling from the darkening sky.

"I don't want to feel like this anymore..."

But at this point he isn't even sure if he is talking to her, or to himself.

He dries his eyes with the back of his palm, but with the rain now pouring down over him it doesn't make much of a difference. In front of the gravestone, lying at his knees in the grass, is a red rose he brought with him today - as a weak sign of him trying to make peace with what has happened, and he quietly watches how the rain drops is bouncing against the petals.

Time passes by in the blink of an eye, and soon the sky is not only darkened by clouds, but the passing of the sun as well. Yeosang slowly gets up, with his body feeling cold and stiff, and he looks with weary eyes at his surroundings. One day he will be there too, buried under the ground, but he refuses to waste any more of his life feeling like he is already dead.

Suddenly he remembers a poster, which was put up in the group therapy room he went to when he was sixteen.

"Love while you've got love to give. Live while you've got life to live. - Piet Hein"

With a deep sigh he takes a last look at his mother's grave, he knows he won't find any actual answer here, with the only sound being the rain and the rustling of the trees - but it feels like the first step in the right direction, or at least he tells himself to believe in that.

✦

4 MONTHS LATER

Yeosang wraps his knitted scarf tighter around his neck, winter as already arrived, and it seems colder than normally this year. With music blasting through his ears, he gets onto the metro to head home.

There is no free seats, so he just stands awkwardly at one of the doors, trying his best to keep his balance while scrolling around on his phone. A lot of things have happened the past few months, and he is still trying to adjust to everything.

First off, he is talking to a therapist once a week, which is the thing he currently is on his way home from, and secondly, he has also decided to go back to school next year to get his Master's degree. He loves his job at the kindergarten, but in his heart he knows it isn't the right thing for him - not for the rest of his life at least.

When the train stops at the next station, Yeosang almost falls backwards, as he isn't holding onto anything. Luckily, he doesn't actually fall, and manages to stay on his feet - the sudden movement does cause him to look up in shock though.

His eyes suddenly fall onto something further down in the metro. Or rather, someone. While covering more of his face with his scarf at the same time, he narrows his eyes. It's been so long since they last saw each other, but as he can't stop himself from staring it is like he is taken straight back to the first time they met.

The hair is not black anymore, it's dyed dark-blonde again and pushed back in on side - looking just the way he remembers so clearly. Yeosang blinks a few times, having to double check if what he thinks he is seeing is actually there.

And he definitely is seeing right. It is him, it is Park Seonghwa,

Seonghwa hasn't seen him from the distance between them, but the older is also busy with something else. He is flipping through a small book, holding it up for the little girl next to him to look at the pages. Yeosang freezes, it can't be anyone else but Seonghwa's daughter.

Everything around him starts to fade, as he stares down the rows of seats. The sound of the people around him, and the train itself is only a weak whistling noise in his head. Like wind rustling up the leaves.

Too lost in his own thoughts, Yeosang almost misses his stop, but while he rushes out the door he has to take one last look Seonghwa's way. He would lie, if he said he hasn't been thinking about him at all. To be honest he thinks about Seonghwa pretty much every day - but he has learned to live with the fact that it will probably always be like that. Although they didn't end up together, Seonghwa will always mean something very special to him.

✦

"Welcome home!" Wooyoung shouts when Yeosang opens the door to the apartment.

He kicks off his shoes and hangs his jacket, before walking into the kitchen to join the loud younger. Yeosang rubs his cold hands against each other and blows into them while peeking over Wooyoung's shoulder.

"Smells good," he says, and his mouth is already watering from the sight and lovely aroma of the food Wooyoung is cooking. "Is San at home too?"

"Nope, he's out with Jeonghan again," Wooyoung replies while turning off the stove.

"Wow, things are getting quite serious with them!" A tiny bit of jealousy pulls the corner of Yeosang's heart, but despite him being the only single person out of their little friend group he is still happy on the behalf of his friends.

Things had been pretty awkward in the apartment for a while, after Wooyoung had walked in on Yeosang and San making out, but everything turned back to normal fairly quickly. On the surface at least. When Wooyoung wasn't at home, it was obvious that San was still hurting. He and Yeosang haven't kissed since, and they try to avoid talking about it as much as possible - which is hard living with Wooyoung who still loves to tease them about it.

San eventually ended up going on a couple of dates with Jun, but when the fashion designer had to go back overseas for work, things ended. Long distance is a pain, and even harder when dating someone who might not be the best at actual commitment.

But just as things couldn't seem to go any worse for San, he returned home from work one day, with the brightest smile on his face. He had been out for a meeting with a client, Yoon Jeonghan, who needed help with the interior design for his upcoming café.

"I know right? I'm so happy for him," Wooyoung hums, as he opens the cabinets to find two bowls.

Wooyoung fills the bowls to the very edge, before carefully placing one in front of Yeosang on the dining table. The two friends sit down across from each other, enjoying a quiet Friday at home. Wooyoung vents about his job, just like any other day, then lights up while talking about his girlfriend, only to turn grumpy again when he, himself, turns the conversation back to his work.

Even when Wooyoung is making the worst sour face, Yeosang can't stop laughing at him. But right in the middle of sharing a good time with his best friend, his own mood suddenly changes. Not in a bad way, but suddenly it's like every thought in his mind just stops - every one expect one.

"Hey Woo?" he asks, as he looks up. "Do you remember about two months ago, when you said Yuna has a co-worker she wanted to introduce me to?"

"Yeah?" Wooyoung raises a brow, and slowly leans across the table. From the expression on his face, he already knows what's up, but he tries to hold back the intrigued smile that is tugging the corners of his lips.

"I think I'm ready..."

✦

A/N: Yes, a timeskip happened. It is not that I want to just cut things off, but I also don't want to run in circles in the same things forever.
And I am sorry to disappoint all my dear woosan enthusiasts out there :( but that ship was never meant to happen in this story sorrysorrysorryiloveyoualldonthatemeplease <3

Anyway, soooo... We are getting towards the end (still a handful of chapters left, don't worry<3) and my writing is finally decent, W T H is up with that! Anyway, I won't end this story without a new seongsang story for you (it is my fav. ship after all, believe it or not since I always make them suffer so much...) Sooo, if you haven't checked it out yet theeen;

[SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION; I have published the first part of a new upcoming seongsang story! It's called "Kids in the dark", please check it out if you want to<3 xx🍓]