CW/TW- Venting: body and self esteem issues. Slight allusion towards being groomed. If you're uncomfortable with these things, please don't read this.

I remember when I got to a certain age, around nine years old. My body started to change, and people began to be more strict on how I presented myself. I couldn't wear shorts that stopped at mid thigh in the summer, I couldn't wear tank tops around the house without being asked where my clothes were at. Constantly being told to cover up, wear a longer shirt, a longer skirt, put on pants instead of shorts. I was confused. I went from being able to wear what I was comfortable in, to all of a sudden being told that I should cover myself.

At the time, I thought it was an issue with my body. I thought I was ugly, I thought I didn't look good enough which was why I was instructed to cover myself. But as I got older, and my body started to develop more, I realized that my younger self wasn't too far off with their thoughts. It was because I "looked good" I was told to cover myself. 

When I came to this realization, I was shocked, and I became disgusted with myself and my body, even though I couldn't control how I grew. I became extremely self conscious and even more reserved than I already was. It had gotten so bad, that I started wearing thick hoodies in the summer time and almost passed out from overheating, because I was ashamed of the way I looked. This constant pressure of me trying to cover up made me seek attention and validation in places where I shouldn't have. They liked my body, and they made me feel good about myself, but now I feel sick every time I think about it, because I was only twelve.

I managed to get out of that situation, but it scarred me for the longest time. Only now have I began to learn to love myself, It will be a while before heal, but I can already feel myself getting better.