TRIGGER WARNING; mention of self-harm at the beginning of the chapter.

I trust you know your triggers, proceed with caution!

. . .

VALENTINA

"Is it too late to pursue? I bite my tongue, it's a bad habit."

. . .

Dante is worried about me. I can tell by the constant frown he's wearing on his face.

I'd be concerned about him, too, if he were acting the way I am. But I can't help it.

I feel like there's a big, gaping hole in my chest and I can't do anything to fix it. It hurts, and it never stops fucking hurting.

The man who slammed into our car is dead. A ghost, maybe, wandering around and haunting the streets he crashed into.

Or maybe he found peace. I hope he found peace.

The sound of metal clashing against metal never leaves me. The sound means an end to a life.

And the withdrawing of Dad from my life.

I can tell he's not himself anymore, either. I know he feels guilty, too, even though he doesn't talk about it at all.

He's not my dad anymore. It's like a shell of himself is living in our house.

Right now, we're back at our estates outside the city. I'm sitting on the curb of our street, and Dante just got up and asked if I wanted to get some ice cream. I told him I wasn't feeling like it.

"Then we don't go," he'd simply shrugged and went back to sit down.

"Maybe your sister wants to get ice cream," I offered because I wanted to be alone. Lately, I always find myself being alone, because I crave it.

"You're sure you don't want to come along?" he asked for the umpteenth time, and I shook my head.

With a lot of hesitance, he left, and I felt like I could breathe again.

I love him to bits and he's been there in every way I need him to be, but I feel like he's overbearing and I just want... space.

I glance down at my hands and the half-moons that are etched into my skin, caused by my nails.

I sometimes draw blood when I press too hard, but it feels relieving in a strange way.

Often, I think about going a step further and doing something a little more extreme, but the urge never gets the best of me and I never actually do it.

But I don't know if there'll be a day when I harm myself, just to feel a different type of pain.

To feel... something.

Everything has been numb for the past few weeks.

Because it's my fault someone's dead. I didn't know that makes the world numb around you.

A pair of feet sound like they're nearing me, and for a moment I think it's Dante who just doesn't want to leave me alone.

"I told you I didn't want any..." I start, but trail off when I look up and see it's Alessandro.

"What are you doing here?" I snap, my brows furrowing.

He usually doesn't bother to give me the time of day, except if it's to taunt me or get on my nerves.

"This is the first time I've seen you since the accident," he says, and he looks a bit out of sorts standing in front of me.

"So? It's not like you sought me out before," I shrug, looking back at the street in front of me.

Ever since the shit went down with the notes, I started to hate him even more. It was easier hating him because of my broken heart.

"No... but something could've happened to you," he says, and his voice doesn't contain its usual doze of contempt and loathing.

I look up at him and raise a brow, unimpressed.

"And I'm glad it didn't," he adds, scratching a place on his head and looking so out of place, it's almost comical.

I tilt my head to the side and look at him. Really look at him. During all the years we've been bickering and pulling pranks on each other, I can't recall a single one where we had a civil conversation.

Where we're nice to each other.

He's only ever spoken to me like I'm some stupid little girl, has always underestimated me, and has made me feel like an annoying, clingy little sister.

And now, he's only being somewhat kind of nice because of a fucking accident.

What an asshole.

"It takes a dead person for you to act like a human being?" I snap, my tone hard and unforgiving.

He takes a step back as if I've slapped him across the face, and the words taste bitter and sour on my tongue.

But I've said them now, and I can't take them back.

"I was just... I didn't..." he stammers out, and now his eyes harden. "I was trying to show sympathy. Because I felt bad for you, Valentina. Because it can't be easy to live with what happened. Not because someone died, but because of what you went through. Fuck that, though. Go cry to my brother, it's what you're good at."

He turns around and walks off, tension lining his shoulders.

My shoulders deflate, and the usual hatred burns deep inside me. Hatred for him.

But most of all, hatred toward myself.

Standing up, I walk toward my house and get inside. Dad is out again, burying himself in his work, and Mom has been working from home for a while now.

My heart is slamming against my ribcage and my breathing is erratic. It's like I can't fucking control it.

Walking into the kitchen, I initially want to go for a glass of water to try and calm myself down.

But I halt halfway as I spot something on the kitchen island.

A lighter.

The lighter calls out to me, and I slowly inch closer and closer.

What if I just held it close to my skin? I wouldn't actually burn myself...

Or maybe just a bit...

Just a little bit...

Just to get rid of the pain...

"Valentina?"

My head snaps up, and I see my sister standing in the doorway of the kitchen. "What are you doing?" she asks me.

I snap out of my daze, and the terrifying reality of what just went through my head chills me to the bone.

"N-Nothing," I say, trying to play it cool.

I wanted to harm myself. I was thinking of taking the lighter and going up to my room.

The thought of it has tears springing to my eyes, and my hand starts to shake.

Martina notices, and she starts to walk toward me.

"Valentina, are you okay? What's going on?" she asks, her sisterly concern showing through.

We haven't spoken a lot since the accident happened, but knowing she's here, that she unknowingly prevented me from harming myself, has me nearly breaking down in front of her.

The first tear rolls down my cheek.

"I think... I think I need help."

Sometimes I feel like the past haunts me.

It always pops up right when I start forgetting about it, to remind me of everything that's happened and push me into that pit of misery again.

I try to make the best of it when they do pop up. I look at my growth, at the self-reflection I've done over the years to make myself feel better.

It works, sometimes.

Recently, what has taken me more by surprise when I try to reflect on the past when memories do pop up, is the contrast of the people in my life.

Namely, Alessandro. And what we mean to each other these days.

It has changed so much, that I don't think younger me would believe me now if I were to tell her.

I look back at my phone, at what he sent me after the first text.

Idiot Asshole Stupid Fucker: I bet he doesn't know how sweet you taste

His jealousy of Alejandro is unwarranted and based on nothing because he holds absolutely no romantic interest to me.

I've gone on two more dates with Alejandro, and they both went pretty... okay. We've been talking a lot more, and I've learned that I don't entirely hate or dislike his presence.

After seeing Alessandro's text on the first date, I blushed deeply and I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't.

And I still haven't.

Alessandro hasn't texted me anything else after the second text, either.

And I wonder what happens from now on. Is what happened between us that night just a hook-up? Or more?

I don't know, and that is something that frightens me.

"Hey," someone says, and I look up from the bench I'm sitting on in the hallway. I recognize the girl in front of me as someone in one of my lectures and I smile at her.

"Hey! You have a question for the professor, too?" I ask, and she nods.

"Can I sit with you?" she asks, and I gesture for her to do so.

Her hair is down to her shoulders, a pretty shade of light brown with some highlights throughout it. When her eyes meet mine, I'm stunned at the pretty green shade that meets my brown ones.

"I'm Dina," she introduces herself. "Who are you? I've seen you around before."

"I'm Valentina, and I think we share a few classes," I say, and she nods in realization.

"I see. Are you here for the essay, too?" she asks.

"Yeah, I just have some questions," I sigh. "He's being so unclear and vague about it. I'd send an email, but he doesn't respond to them."

"Yeah, same," she chuckles.

She's wearing Doc Martens, with black tights and a leather skirt. On top of that, she's wearing a shirt from a band I don't recognize.

"Oh, I love your rings," she gasps when she sees the golden rings I decided to wear this morning.

"Thank you! I love your shoes!"

She smiles and wiggles her feet in front of her, making me chuckle.

Footsteps down the hall distract us, and all the blood drains from my face when I see Katherine walking toward the benches across from us.

Opposite the office of our professor, there's another one and I bet she's here with a question about her course, too.

Just my fucking luck.

She leans against the wall, crossing her arms as she spots us. Her blue eyes slash across mine, and they nearly make me flinch.

Then, her eyes move over toward Dina, before she dismisses us and decides to focus her attention on her phone.

I breathe out quietly in relief because I'm not in the mood for her.

I never am.

"So..." Dina begins, not aware of the tension in the air. "What is your essay going to be about?"

"Uh..." I trail off and clear my throat. "White privilege. Yours?"

"Good one!" she gasps. "I'm not so sure. Not all his lectures are online yet, and I wasn't able to attend some classes, so I was hoping to get more insight on that before I settle with something," she says, and we talk some more about the class and our professor.

Another set of footsteps join us in the hall, and I see Max coming over. My mood sours even more.

Another person I dislike.

He goes to stand next to Katherine, and I suppose they have the same professor, and he, too, must have a question.

When Max sees us, there's recognition in his eyes when he sees me. He opens his mouth, but then his eyes fall on Dina, and his features change altogether.

Something sinister takes place in his eyes, and he smirks.

"Derek! How's it going?" he asks and walks over toward us. "Been a long time. You changed a lot, huh?"

Dina freezes next to me, and a crestfallen look takes place in her eyes. She looks up at Max with loathing.

"My name is Dina," she says, lifting her chin. "You know that."

"You'll always be Derek to me," he shrugs. "I can never not see you for what you are."

Realization dawns upon me, and I glare up at this scumbag and son of a bitch.

"You disgusting..."

"What's your name?" A soft voice calls out, and we all turn our heads toward the source of it. Katherine.

She puts her phone away and uncrosses her arms, eyeing Max.

"Max," he replies, frowning at the random question.

"Max," Katherine draws out, keeping her eyes on him as she takes a few steps toward us.

She's always wearing her heels, so she towers only a few inches above Max but it gives her the ability to stare down her nose at him.

"You like disrespecting women, Max?" she asks and tilts her head to the side.

"What do you mean?" he asks, feigning confusion.

"You know what I mean," she snarls at him. "You're harassing and disrespecting a woman on this campus. I wonder how the dean would feel about this."

"You wouldn't actually," Max calls her bluff. "It was just some harmless joking around."

"I didn't find it funny," she states and looks at the girl sitting next to me. "Did you, Dina?"

Dina shakes her head.

"See, she also didn't find you funny. And neither does Valentina. Why don't you mind your own business instead of sticking your nose where it doesn't belong?"

"But Derek..."

"Her name is Dina," she grits out, narrowing her eyes at him. "Get the fuck out of my sight, before I'll have you removed."

Max looks like he won't do as Katherine asks at first, but after some debating for a few seconds, he does as she asks.

Because she's not bluffing. Her father is an incredibly successful businessman, owner of a prestigious ballet institution in the city, and a generous donator to the university, everyone knows that.

If she goes crying to daddy dearest about someone, they'll be taken care of immediately.

A professor is walking toward her office and sees the blonde standing in the hall with us.

"Ms. Hartley?" she asks. "You had a question?"

"I do," Katherine responds and looks back at Dina. She doesn't say anything and turns around, heading into the professors office.

I look at Dina and take her hand. "I'm sorry that happened," I whisper and give her hand a soft squeeze. "We can report him if you want."

"I'll think about it," she whispers, and I can tell what just happened affected her badly.

We exchange numbers and socials, and I can only hope that Katherine uses her position for good and has Max punished.

When our professor arrives, Dina and I both go in seen as we have questions surrounding the same subject.

After our visit, we part ways on campus, but not before promising each other to go and get a coffee sometime.

I'm walking through the hallways of my college building when I'm suddenly pulled inside an empty auditorium.

"What... Alessandro!" I gasp once I see it's him. "What are you doing?"

"You've been ignoring my texts, so I decided to talk to you," he shrugs, caging me in against the door with his hands on either side of my face.

"Why have you been ignoring me, hm?" he asks.

"I... I didn't know what to say," I tell him, which is the truth.

"Too busy enjoying yourself on your date, then?"

"I wasn't enjoying myself," I mutter and look at the time. I actually have another date planned with Alejandro, and he told me he'd be picking me up after classes so we could get some Mexican food.

"Then why do I hear from my brother that you've been going out with him, frequently?"

"Just to please my mom," I sputter out, feeling like I have to defend myself. "Our parents expect it from us."

"Right," Alessandro mutters, and I see tension in his features. He looks pissed off, almost.

His eyes drop down to my lips. "Have you let him taste these, yet?" he asks, and his hand cups my cheek, his thumb rubbing over my lips.

I scrunch up my nose. "Ew, no!"

He smiles, and leans in to kiss me, but right then my phone rings, and I look down to see Alejandro's name.

I cringe at the timing and put my hand on Alessandro's chest.

"You can't kiss me now; my fiancé is picking me up."

"Okay?" he replies and takes my lips in a kiss anyway.

His thumb tugs at my chin, making me part my lips and he plunges his tongue inside my mouth.

"Alessandro," I moan against his lips. "I should go, he's waiting for me."

"I don't care," he responds and holds my jaw in a firm, nearly bruising grip.

His tongue caresses mine, before withdrawing so he can bite my lower lip harshly before he soothes the pain by sucking on it.

"Do not fucking ignore me again," he orders against my lips, his grip on my jaw sliding down to my throat. "Understand?"

I nod, and he squeezes my throat in a warning.

"I understand," I voice, and he hums in approval.

Our lips slide together again, and I can't help but be swept away in the feeling of it.

My phone starts to vibrate in my phone again, and now I really rip myself away to look down and see it's Alejandro once more.

"I need to go," I tell him, and touch my lips which are probably a bit swollen from the kiss.

"Go," Alessandro says, still gripping my throat. "You'll be thinking of me when you're with him, anyway."

. . .

if you or anyone you know struggle with self harm, please refer to this website, where it explains how you can help yourself or people close to you:

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/helping-yourself-now/

you are not alone. please do not be afraid to seek help, it is the strongest step into healing and for your mental health.

. . .

This chapter made me cringe bye

I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, even though there wasn't much interaction between Alessandro and Val.

these chapters are important, too.

also, I'm curious; what do y'all think of an MM scene????? BE HONEST

Thank you sm for reading.

I love you.