ALESSANDRO'S POV

Hours have passed and I'm still sitting in my office. Searching and thinking about who I should take with me. This is such an important decision to make, I have to think things through, I need to take someone I trust and know that will get things done they way they need to be.

I felt lost, I felt like I had just lost my path in my own yard. I couldn't find one person out of the millions I know to call for their help. I hated this feeling, I fucking hated not being able to help the ones I loved and cared about the most. The ones that would sacrifice themselves for me yet I can't find a way to save them. I hated not having solutions to my problems. I hated feeling helpless and not being able to offer help. I hated it all. Everything started irritating me at this point. The feeling of not being able to think straight woke a nerve inside me. And the more I thought about the situation definitely did not help that nerve. Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.

My mind kept reminding me that Emilion was severely injured and Dante had to take care of the girls and stay in the house. My mind couldn't go to anyone, I couldn't think of anyone I could ask to come with me and help Armando. My mind was stuck in between. I don't even know why, I just know that I couldn't think straight which rarely happened to me and when it decided to show up, it's now.

I had no time for this, I had no time at all. Armando could be in deep shit right now and I haven't made up a plan yet nor decided who I'm taking. I was growing worried, sick worried, until my mind went to someone. Someone I know that won't fail at anything, someone I know that won't step down from their decisions along with her unique ways.

I stood up from my seat and rushed out of my office, making my way towards her room down the hallways. I hesitantly raised my hand to knock, however I did it anyway, there was no time for second thoughts. I know she's the right one for this, only if she accepts.

I knocked on her door and waited impatiently. I didn't hear footsteps, although the door opened with Venom standing there, inside of her room. She was wearing black sweatpants and a white sports bra, leaving her hair in a messy bun. I'm glad she felt comfortable in her room.

I'm sure she was able to notice the worry in my eyes and stepped aside, giving me the space to come in, welcoming me into her room. I walked in, looking down on the floor then lifted my eyes up. I took a look around her room for a bit, and noticed a few changes she made. How did she change the color of the walls. I snapped out of it, following her as she sat down on the couch next to her TV and I took a seat while turning on my side and facing her.

"I need your help" God why am I so fucking nervous. I saw something twirl in her eyes for just one second. She gave me a quick nod before allowing me to start talking. "There is this really old friend of mine. His name is Armando DeVille. He's from Verona and he is one of the best men I know. We grew up together, with similar childhoods. We were really close until life brought both of us different paths and separated us. He had to leave for his own good, for the mafia and for the protection of his family. He was up to leaving everything behind and staying by my side to help me run the mafia. It's been one of our dreams since we were young to work together, although due to the threats his family received from the Russians, I let him go. We haven't been able to contact one another for the past six years. He had told me if he ever hits rock bottom and seriously needs help, he would call me. And I need to take someone with me" She just sat down still, staring at me with those hazel eyes. I couldn't look through them. I was never able to read her nor any of her facial expressions. She listened carefully to every word I said, giving me her full attention which was something I appreciated.

"Speaking of that, a few hours ago, I got a phone call from him. The situation being serious, I need to go there with someone. Him and I can easily defeat the Russian in a matter of minutes but there will be no one left to protect his family. In the end, it's only the two of us, we can't be in two places at once. So we need someone, I need someone. Emilion is severely injured and Dante has to take care of the girls and the house. And I know if I asked them they would go, but I won't be putting their lives on the line. I have no idea what could possibly happen to them and I just can't imagine coming back home without someone I went with. I need your help Venom. I need someone to come with me and you're the only person I know left that would never fail, getting us out of this mess like it never started" I said that for the second time already. She didn't say anything, just as I expected.

I waited for a few minutes and then stood up, heading towards the door. I made my way out, closing her door and started walking again. I don't even know where to, I just needed to walk it away. I was disappointed if I'm being honest. That feeling you get when you finally think you got a way out and it turns down immediately. The one that each time you get yourself out of it, it pulls you back in, deeper than you were. Yeah that one right there. I was worried sick, my mind couldn't go far anywhere I started drifting from my concentration. Another shit I fucking despise.

I didn't know where I was going then it hit me, giving me the exact right place to go. I took a turn down the hallway, the rooftop.

I went to my room, reached the balcony door, I walked in and climbed up. Sitting there, I started losing myself into thoughts even more. There's something about sitting alone in the dark that reminds you how big the world really is, and how far apart we all are.

The stars looked so close to each other, as if you could reach out and touch them. But you can't. Sometimes things look a lot closer than they are.

Darkness started to erupt more, into the sky and my mind as well. Armando sacrificed everything for me, his whole life and family. Yet I am here not being able to help him, not able to take someone with me to protect his family, he was ready to let go one day for me. Maybe I'm just farsighted. The further away something is, the better I can see it but the more important it is and once it gets close, I lose sight of it and don't know how to maintain it.

To keep the right balance between closeness and distance requires hard work, patience and a strong ass bond. God I hate this. Maybe separating was for the better, maybe the world needs someone they can admire from a distance, from a very far distance. 

People who meant well toward each other should work out their destinies separately, each one going his own inexplicable way and how each would like to help and draw close to the other and yet was unable to do so, as in troubled meaningless dreams.

I ended up staying on top of my roof, drowned into thoughts. This wasn't my typical drowning, I felt like I was suffocating this time. No matter what you do, you can't keep your head above the water. And every time you breathe. You can feel the fire fill your lungs.

I really need to get some hope before I lose my shit. I've never been so lost. If you value loyalty enough to let it ruin you when you don't stand by it. You'll perfectly understand the way I'm feeling.

I know I'm a mafia leader. I know things shouldn't bother me as much as they do. But some things stick forever, especially when it came to Armando. Your mindset changes but your heart is still the same.

We all go through hard times in life. It's a part of being alive and it's the reality we all have to deal with. There are times we forget our value as a person because we are so blinded with these thoughts of loneliness, emptiness and ego.

Somewhere along the road we become numbed with all the frustrations and dissatisfaction. Everyone has their own secrets. There's the imperative to keep secrets, and the imperative to have them known. How do you know that you're a person, distinct from other people. By keeping certain things to yourself. You guard them inside you, because, if you don't, there's no distinction between inside and outside.

Some people get affected differently by this lifestyle if they don't know how to maintain it. They get used to things, such as letting people down. Not for me though, I value loyalty with all I have. Being a hypocrite doesn't lead to anything but getting disrespected. They all connect to each other. I could be emotionlessly killed, watch people die from my hands. Smile at the sight of their soul leaving their body in front of my eyes. But a part of me managed to pull everything together and get the best out of it. I know there no best out of killing or torture the fuck out of a person. In the end, they deserved it and I felt all the satisfaction I needed. I chuckled at my own thought.

Although, my current situation is a whole mess, I still manage to find the slightest way to ma wut better, on my own. Even if it got better for a few seconds, at least it did from the first place.

Not too long after me having a internal conversation with myself which you could also call a battle, I saw Venom wearing an all black outfit, jumping out her bedroom's window and disappearing into the dark.

I was genuinely confused. I was proud of myself by not having the urge to go after her and discover whatever she left for however I stayed on top of the roof.

I remember the day I became leader. Wishing he was there to see me accomplish something he always told me I would, even at my highest doubts. The more our childhood memories kicked in the more my heart tightened. God knows what mental state he could be in right now and I'm not there. I'm not able to help. I'm not able to reach him with my hand. I'm not able to tell him 'I got you' because of this shit.

The dark sky usually brought peace into my heart, drifted away any negative thoughts I had. This time was different. Nothing could take away the way I felt. I waited at the rooftop for way too long, for multiple reasons. One, trying to get my shit together and think of something. Two, Venom.

She never came back. Whatever she was up to, I decided to leave it up to the universe and go back to sleep. After all that thinking, beating myself up for it all, I eventually got tired. Physically and mentally. My body and mind needed rest. Hopefully we can do something tomorrow. Have a solution or maybe she will come to an agreement. Or not. Why even would she. I didn't want to have much hope because I know if it didn't happen I would beat myself up for it even more.

I headed back to my room and walked to the bathroom leaning both of my hands on the sink, staring at the mirror. I looked at myself in the mirror. Something I never thought I would feel towards myself, lost.

My gaze fell on my left arm, lifting my right hand and running it slowly down my tattoo, the one I got when he left. It touched me, really really deep and it stills until that day even worse with the thought of not being able to help him.

I took my hand off my arms and brushed my teeth along with my face before heading back to bed. I threw myself on the soft mattress and closed my eyes in the hopes of falling asleep. I waited, in pitch darkness.

I waited and I waited for so long. Those intentions I had of falling asleep never came through. Armando was all over my head. That inner voice telling me I left him down after everything we had been through. That little annoying voice, little bastard. So quiet yet so touchy. The way it feels like a whisper but strikes your heart as you feel it crush and shatter apart.

I never let someone bring me down, the only one who can affect me is myself. And that is exactly what's happening right now.

I didn't fight it back. I didn't make it stop. Because I made myself believe that I let my dearest friend down. The person who would sacrifice anything for me. God knows how much I wanted to find a solution. How much I craved for a quick plan to get us both out of this misery.

I couldn't sit still anymore. Since I was young, I always had this urge to only sleep on the bed. I didn't like just laying there and letting my thoughts take over. I either sleep or get up and do something useful. I stood up and started walking downstairs. I was thirsty, the rising temperature made my throat sore. I opened the fridge and took two bottles of water with me upstairs. One for now, one incase I need more water. I sat on my bed and tried losing my thoughts, trying to not lose my mind for god knows what time today.

I couldn't get over the feeling in my stomach. Whenever you take deep breaths it doesn't go all the way deep down and makes you feel anxious.

Yeah, I got up for the second time, walked to the bathroom and washed my face with the hopes of washing my thoughts away with the hot water, yet it was useless. I stood in the bathroom, trying to think of any possible way to just let it all go. To have a clear mind without worries, wonders, thoughts or even dreams. I was desperate for peace, something I didn't get for years. A feeling I barely got, even when I was a child.

I went back to bed trying to think of something positive for fucks sake. When things go wrong, don't go with them. They try to tear you down with them, to take out the best left in you. That's how it keeps growing. It feeds on your own weakness, it fills itself with each step you take, getting closer to it. With each step you take, getting closer to giving up. Try to push myself into a small light hopefully filled with hope and belief.

I kept rolling from one side to another until sleep eventually took me away. Slowly drifting into DARKNESS.

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