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chapter twenty-eight
waiting for her

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TOOTHLESS was still to return that night, and Hiccup was getting anxious; Valkyrie could tell. While everyone else celebrated the island of New Berk despite them stressing (quite clearly) that this was a temporary solution, he was quiet and solemn. He laughed when he was needed to, accepted a drink and toasted when asked, but Valkyrie could see his gaze continuously stretch upwards towards the dark sky. She didn't know what to tell him. She didn't know what she wanted to believe. Deep down, she was looking, too, and yet, she also knew that Hiccup had given Toothless the chance of freedom. Before now, he never had any want for it, but now, he did ... would he feel the need to come back?

As they had a feast of lamb, roasted vegetable soups and bread and cheese, Valkyrie watched her husband barely touch his plate. His bad leg bounced up and down, eyes fixed up at the stars━hoping to see a sudden blanket of black cover them, hoping to hear a high-pitch shriek ... anything to tell him that his best friend had returned.

She had sighed and complained; she had muttered to Astrid she didn't know what to do, or how to make him realise. But now that she saw the look on his face, Valkyrie didn't feel any pride over his choice whatsoever ... all she felt was grief; a painful grief to see him so lost and hurt.

He thought he was nothing without Toothless.

But how would Valkyrie react if she had to watch Zephyr leave, too? Would she accept it? Would she not search for him in the skies hoping he had come back to her no matter what?

Valkyrie couldn't judge Hiccup. She couldn't tell him he was wrong. But she also knew she didn't like how much he relied on Toothless to give him his strength and belief when she knew━in the depths of her heart━that the only person who gave him that was himself.

Pursing her lips, she reached out and took his hand. She squeezed his fingers on the table. When Hiccup met her gaze, Valkyrie sent him a reassuring smile━and at least there was a breath in him that brightened up; that lifted the weight in his eyes and on his shoulders.

But as he stood up, her smile fell a little. But she couldn't do anything━Valkyrie had to let him go and sort it out himself. She felt him rub her shoulder and press a quick kiss to her temple before leaving his food, and her at the table, heading into the depths of the celebration. Valkyrie sighed, unable to feel any delight in seeing the villagers of Berk sing and dance around the fires in the flame-lit evening. Maybe Hiccup couldn't let go of Toothless, but she couldn't let go of Old Berk (as they've started calling it now) quite yet, either.

The celebrations continued very late into the night━far past the time they had had too much ale and mead. Valkyrie went to put Linnea to sleep quite early in the night, prepared to come back out once she was settled and her grandmother could care for her. Hott had found himself in the centre of it all, laughing and enjoying the rambunctious songs and dance━even egging on a brawl or two. He was having the time of his life forgetting what Astrid told him, and how he had admitted what he felt without even realising, only to be disappointed yet again. Hott had been patient, he had waited, and gotten to know her, and still never lost any feelings at all━but even now, they were in vain. And it hurt to realise that everything he felt like an ache to his chest was one-sided━and maybe it was always going to be.

The night came with its many memories. Snotlout almost jumped into the fire after Eret told them all he survived almost being burnt alive by a Monstrous Nightmare. The Jorgenson had declared it easy, "I deal with a temperamental Monstrous Nightmare daily!" and he would've leapt into the flames (and Hott might've let him), if Hookfang hadn't knocked him over onto the grass before he could. Snotlout became a bright red mess as Eret laughed and he struggled back onto his feet, declaring his manliness to the gods and the entire village, as well as scolding Hookfang who just puffed hot air into his face.

Ruffnut spent most of her night telling long, gruelling tales of her endeavours at the Edge. Except, none of it was interesting. She rambled on and on about boar pits, and how she was the bravest (and most beautiful) of them all and turned down the manly physic of Throk━and (not-so-subtly) glanced over at Fishlegs and Snotlout, hoping one of them would but in, or show at least some jealously. But Snotlout was still recovering from his bruised ego and Fishlegs was too busy hiccuping as he tried to explain to Tuffnut that if he jumped off the cliffs to dive into the waters, he would not survive.

Valkyrie returned when they started celebrating Hiccup's choices specifically, chucking his slender frame up into the air before catching him again. She watched him appear with a yelp and then disappear, and couldn't help but laugh. She saw him notice her and call out a silent exclaim of, help but she just crossed her arms and watched, feeling like she was a teen all over again. She caught a blank, dry glance at her lack of aid before he disappeared again.

"They've been doing this for the past twenty minutes," Astrid came in to stand beside her, chuckling and shaking her head. "It's a marvel he hasn't heaved at this point."

"Just wait ..." Valkyrie said, smirking. She continued to watch, hearing his voice crack as he tried to tell the villagers to put him down, "... he'll get to that point eventually."

"Are you going to sit and watch?"

"Yep..."

Astrid rolled her eyes, amused. She was flushed at the cheeks, but there was nothing else to show that she was as far in her cups as the rest of them. Like everything else, Astrid had it under control. She decided to stand there and watch with her dear friend, biting back her want to laugh when she noticed who was keeping it going. At each disgruntled complaint from the chief, Hott was there to say, "He doesn't mean it! Keep on going, guys! To the Chief!"

"To the Chief!" and Hiccup was chucked up again.

"No!" he cried as he was. "No━not to the Chief━HEY!"

Then Astrid remembered how Hott had walked off, and the realisation of what he meant struck her again, and her smile fell. Valkyrie noticed it right away, "What?" she asked her. "What's wrong?"

The Hofferson didn't say anything. Val frowned and followed her gaze. When she saw who it was settled upon, a breath of understanding made her shoulders fall. Valkyrie turned to her and said, "What happened?"

Astrid glanced at her briefly, "Nothing."

Valkyrie saw right through her. She arched a brow. She knew Astrid far better than anyone else━they've grown up together, fought together, cried and survived terrible things eat each others side. While Astrid liked to think she could hide her emotions and keep them in control like a general planning out a battle, Valkyrie could see them like an open book on her sleeve. "Astrid," she said softly. "Tell me."

The Shield-maiden's azure gaze was something almost broken━all confidence it usually held now gone as she looked at her best friend and decided to say, "I ... Hott likes me."

Val made a face, "Okay ... and ... didn't you already know this?"

"Yeah, I know he does," Astrid said, rolling her eyes, "but, I didn't━I didn't know that he likes me like that."

Valkyrie's frown deepened. She didn't understand where Astrid was going with this, "I'm ... I'm confused ..."

Astrid sighed, slumping in her own frustration. She placed her head in her hands before grumbling out a, "What I mean is that ... it was always something stupid, like━I thought it meant nothing. Back on the Edge, it was always just simple but now ... now he's━he's different and━"

Valkyrie realised. Her breath hitched and her eyes widened. "You like him!" she gasped.

"No!" Astrid shot back immediately. At her friend's grin she shushed her and ordered, "Keep your voice down!"

"You like Hott," Val couldn't help it. She felt like a fifteen year old girl about to sing-song a joke that her best friend fancied someone across the road, desperate to threaten to tell him just to see her blush like a rose. "You like Hott!"

"Shut up!"

"I'm the Cheiftess, you can't tell me to shut up━you like Hott!"

Valkyrie had to jump away to avoid Astrid's flying punch, cackling at her bright red and flustered face. But her laughter slowly ceased when she saw that despite her blush, Astrid seemed miserable. There was no laughter in her eyes, no playfulness. Val settled, and she murmured, "What's so upsetting about that?"

Astrid went to say something, but she stopped. Her gaze wandered back to where Hott nudged Hiccup who had finally been placed down on the grass, snickering when he toppled right over. "I ..." she hung her head. "He's never gonna be happy with someone like me, Val."

Valkyrie's eyes widened, shocked. Her words were quiet, stunned by her thoughts, "What?" she whispered, "Don't say that━that's not true."

"It is," Astrid sighed. "He's━Hott's kind, and he's generous, and underneath everything he's humble. He deserves someone who sees that, and cherishes it, and is just the same."

"But you do," Val urged. "You just told me, you do see those things."

"For years I ordered him around," Astrid said miserably. "I pushed him away, and I hurt his feelings, and I put him down. I was horrible to him."

"We were kids. You think I was the best person in Berk to Hiccup when we were younger?"

"But he was a good person━he is a good person. All those times he put himself in danger, he risked his life for me and all I saw was your annoying little brother."

"Because that was what he was back then," Valkyrie slowly sat down with her friend as she slumped to the bench behind them. "He was my annoying little brother. But he isn't anymore. And you aren't who you were back then, either! We've all grown up. You can make him happy, Astrid, I know it."

"How do you know that?"

"Because you do see him." Valkyrie nudged her gently. "Hott's always tried to be something━even when we were little. He's tried to be what he thought he had to be to be liked, and to be seen, and to be admired. When Dad didn't get the man he wanted out of Asrifth, he placed that pressure onto Hott. He constantly tried to prove himself as a dragon rider, as a Frode, as a Viking ... but when he's around you ... he's became something different. He became himself, and now ... he's always that person. You helped him achieve that━because even if you say you never did, deep down, you always saw that side of him."

Astrid blinked. She was silent. Valkyrie expected her to say something else, but she didn't. She set her eyes back onto Hott who somehow lost his drink. He spun around, looking for it━but they could see that it was still in his hand. He asked Hiccup still chatting with him and the Chief face-palmed.

"Though, I still see an annoying younger brother," Valkyrie decided to joke, snorting. "He's an idiot."

But Astrid just smiled.

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HICCUP ONLY just managed to help Hott find his drink (though he was pretty sure it might've been best if he hadn't) when out of nowhere, Gobber dragged him to the side. Still dazed and sick from his endeavour been thrown about, Hiccup almost lurched everything out of his stomach at the sudden movement. He gagged, desperate to keep it in and Gobber just laughed.

"Got to say," the blacksmith held up his tankard of mead in celebration. Hiccup couldn't really find much to celebrate about. Toothless had not returned, and he was no closer to finding the Hidden World, "I thought you were well off your rocker, but this spot ain't half bad!"

He pulled him in close for a tight hug at his side and Hiccup squirmed, forever never being able to handle the smell his old mentor set off like a unkept boar pit. The Chief struggled away, coughing, "This was supposed to be a temporary solution," he didn't know who he was chiding━his people or himself. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe he was wrong about everything!

He glanced up at the sky, and still there was no sign of his best friend.

"It's unanimous!" Eret called from where he had found himself on top of the wine barrels. He pointed a leg of chicken down at Hiccup, grinning and having the time of his life (at least everyone else was in better spirits...). "Everyone agrees we've definitely traded up!" He stumbled back down to the grass, and before Hiccup could stop him, smacked him right in the chest with his drumstick. He doubled over, forcing out a weak chuckle. "Well done, Chief!"

It seemed━as of now━the only person who didn't like this place as much as him was Valkyrie. But he knew it wasn't because of what awaited them, but what he had made her leave behind. She followed him, dutiful and loyal to the end━he loved her for it. And yet, he could see it in her gaze ... and yet barely uttered a word about it; Hiccup was scared that she had lost faith in him as well. The one person he relied on the most.

He saw her sitting by Astrid, consoling her. He didn't know what was wrong, but he could tell it was serious. Valkyrie squeezed her dearest friend's shoulder before standing up, long auburn waves glowing like copper in the light of the bonfires. She was beautiful━extraordinarily beautiful. Sometimes Hiccup still wondered why she chose him out of every Viking in the land: a limping runt who the only thing he had that made him such a powerful hero was a dragon who as soon as he got the chance to leave, did ... what could Hiccup give, how could Hiccup protect what he cared for the most without Toothless at his side?

His father made being chief so easy. Hiccup wished he could just ask him what to do━to give him the answer he craved. But no matter how many times he prayed and he called to the heavens to hear just a slither of his voice, Hiccup never got anything in return.

He watched Valkyrie turn to Zephyr who had made his way over, cupping his snout tenderly only to laugh at the sight of an entire group of kids clinging onto his neck. She greeted them each with a bow of her head and a curtsey, immediately playing into whatever game they had started.

Usually seeing her so delighted made Hiccup calm and happy, but all it did was make him even more nervous. He turned back to Gobber as Eret stumbled on past, slurring out a cheer for more drinks. "What if the tail broke?" he stressed. "What━what if Grimmel found him?"

Gobber sighed, unable to get a word in as the young Chief continued his stressed wanderings, every horrible thought of what could occur piercing his mind so much he couldn't think of anything else. "What if━what if he needs me, Gobber?"

The blacksmith lumbered after him, remembering days he'd rush after his late father who in many ways, was strikingly similar to Hiccup more than the young Chief even realised. "Would you relax? He's probably having the time of his life."

This sparked Hiccup's stress even more. Gobber could tell even before he spun around with the wide, frenzied look in his eye. He stopped walking, expecting the way he waved his arms so close that if Gobber hadn't, he'd be smacked right in the face. "How would I know?!" exclaimed Hiccup. "She never comes around! And when she does, she's always rushing off to Thor knows where! I'm saying how━how do we know if she's right for us?"

Gobber made a face, "Us?"

Hiccup rolled his eyes, "You know what I mean," he said━Gobber really didn't. "She's so wild and skittish! How would she react with everyone around? How would she react with Linnea whenever she feels like throwing her toys at the dragons? I'm just gonna say it━" Hiccup threw his hands up with a final, breathless statement, "━I don't trust her!"

He propped his hands on his hips, huffing out his stressful breath of steam like a miffed dragon unable to keep her hatchlings in the nest. This only caused Gobber to let loose a boisterous laugh that shook him right down to his overflowing belly. Hiccup sent him a scowl, not appreciating it. "Can't tame 'em all, Hiccup!"

Because he was serious. Hiccup didn't trust the Light Fury at all. If Toothless couldn't bring her back━even if he did, and Hiccup couldn't train her, what trouble could she cause? He wouldn't be able to have her in the house, not with Linnea around. What havoc would she propose to the village if each shout or battlecry made her vicious and ready to attack? Hiccup has faced sea dragons, Red Deaths, Green Deaths, Purple Deaths and even the legendary Foreverwing!━The last dragon he expected to make him so frantic and on his toes would be a sub-species of the Night Fury.

But without Toothless, Hiccup felt on edge. He felt bare━incapable ... he felt incapable. Lost and stumbling through a dark, thick forest with no idea how to reach the other end.

"One day," went on Gobber as he followed him through the thick of the celebration, passing drunk Vikings brawling, dancing, singing or even passed out on the grass, "you'll have to snip those apron strings and let Toothless stretch his wings! Reminds me of a talk I had with Stoick about you━GAAH!"

Hiccup jumped. He spun around, reaching for Inferno to defend Gobber against whatever he must've seen only to be met with his stumbling stout body colliding against his━and he didn't see what in Valhalla had made him so terrified.

"Where do they keep coming from?!"

Hiccup frowned at him, incredulous. "Who?"

"Those bloody Hobgobblers!" cried Gobber, finding shelter behind a nearby stone foundation. He pointed wildly to the dark of the tents nearby. Hiccup made his way over, and hefted out a long sigh to see nothing even there. "I swear they're popping up faster than rabbits!" Slowly, he emerged from his hiding place. He shuffled up to Hiccup, shooting a final, fearful glance to the (empty) patch of grass before whispering, "I think they want to eat me━" he gestured to his wooden leg knowingly, "━evidence would suggest I'm tasty."

For the first time that night, Hiccup managed a light chuckle. Gobber smiled at it, glad to finally hear him loosen up. "Dragon's don't like the taste of human flesh, Gobber."

"Aye? Well, I tell you━they liked mine!"

Before Hiccup could say anything else, somebody popped up between them. Arm slinging over his shoulder, Tuffnut guided Hiccup gently off to the side, "Hiccy, a moment?" The Chief rolled his eyes at the nickname, but let himself be led away from Gobber. "Listen, I've been watching you walk."

Hiccup arched a brow, unamused, "Really?" he asked dryly.

Tuffnut nodded. He leaned in to share a secret, double-checking that nobody was listening before telling him a low whisper, "Lose the limp." He snickered. "No kid's gonna look up to that."

Hiccup stared at him. He wasn't angry, no━he was too dubious to even feel a breath of anger. He glanced down at his metal leg, then back up to his sniggering friend who he was sure knew exactly what he was saying. "I have a prosthetic leg!"

"So have I!" let out Gobber.

Tuffnut shook his head at them, disappointed, "And I have a parasitic twin, but you don't see me limping around about it!"

"Seriously?" grumbled Hiccup. He tried to walk away, but Tuff just followed him, and the Chief wondered whether he had a parasite as well.

"Come on━chin up, Hiccy━" Tuff smacked his head upwards, "━puff out that chest!" Hiccup swiped his hands away. "Move that butt to the left a little bit━"

"Hey!"

They passed Hott who had found himself alone away from the rest of the crowd. He sat down, staring at the empty cup he had in his hands. He turned it around in his fingers, not finding the energy to gab another. He took a deep breath, glancing up towards the bonfire━now that he stopped, that cheerfulness he held faded away, and all he could think about was the night before. He pinched the bridge of his nose, taking a long and deep breath to clear his head.

He didn't hear her make her way over to him until she spoke, "Want something to drink?"

Hott glanced up, and felt something inside him freeze up at Astrid holding out another tankard━except this one was filled to the brim with fresh water.

It was awkward. Really awkward. At first, he didn't take it━he just stared at her, trying to read her expression; wondering why she would come and see him. In the end, he couldn't figure her out, and so he took the mug, welcoming the water that seemed to soothe his throat.

Astrid clasped her hands together, huffing out a breath that turned into mist in front of her. It was colder away from the fire. She stood there, and they did not talk. He hated it.

They shared a few glances. Each time, Hott had to look away, finding her gaze piercing in the dark. He finished his drink in silence, and she decided to take a seat beside him on the barrels━and the air between them had never been so tense.

When he took the final sip, Hott couldn't take it anymore. He forced a chuckle from his lips, bouncing his brows and nodding his head. "This━this is some really good water..."

She continued to watch him. The intent stare she held made his heart hammer━he wasn't sure what it meant, or how to take it. It sort of worried him. "Yeah," said Astrid. "Um ... it's from the lake."

"Wow ... fancy." Hott set it aside. He sighed out again, and decided that there was nothing he could do to escape what he said last night. "Look, Astrid━about what I said ... I didn't mean to start anything or━"

His words got caught in the back of his throat when he felt Astrid's hand turn his head towards her and before he knew it, she leaned in. Hott froze up, mind buzzing as it all happened at once. He felt her forehead against his, and she met his gaze, waiting for him to do something before slowly ... ever so slowly, he felt their lips brush.

His mind went haywire. Hott wondered whether his hands were shaking as they lifted up to gently cradle her head by her cheeks. He didn't know what was happening━he didn't know why she was here, or what she was doing ... but she was kissing him, and for a moment, he was lost in it. He kissed her again, unable to forget the way her lips felt against his━so soft and tender, like a gateway into the person he knew beneath everything else.

Until he found some sense and he pulled away. Hott blinked, startled as he stared down at her, the situation finally starting to dawn on him.

Astrid frowned, "What?" she asked him, sounding a little dazed.

Hott shook his head. Something rose up amongst the thundering of his heart━it took him a second to realise it was anger. He stood up away from her, still shaking his head. "No," he told her. He turned away, tugging at his hair. Hott felt tears brim at his eyes━he was hurt. "No," he spun back to face her, livid and frustrated. "You━you can't just do that."

She continued to frown at him━upset; this wasn't how she planned this to go. "What do you mean?"

"I━" Hott clenched his hand. He didn't know how to explain it. He thought he'd be happy━amazed that after so long, this moment he's been waiting for just happened. And yet, it was far from how he imagined it. "You can't do this to me."

The tone of his voice made her stand up as well. "Do what?" Astrid demanded, defensive.

"Toy me along like that!" Hott let out, feeling everything suddenly flow out. All that he felt the past two years━all the pining and waiting, patient and understanding, for her to come and do this to him ... like it all meant nothing. "What is wrong with you?!"

"What is wrong with me?!" Astrid gaped at him, eyes growing furious.

"You know I like you!" Hott raised his voice. "You've known it for years. You've known it, and you taunted me, and you've pushed me around. But I waited━I've waited this entire time, especially during the past two years for you. I waited for you, Astrid and after everything, you decide to wait until you were drunk to just come up to me and kiss me?!"

"Seriously?" she scoffed, matching his anger. "Who━who asked you to wait around, Hott?! I never did!"

"You don't have to ask for those things, Astrid! You don't ask for someone to fall in love with you━I did that to myself! I fell in love with you, and it hurts so much because you don't see me! You don't see me at all! These past two years I've waited, and I've respected you, and I tried to get to know you as a friend because that's how much you mean to me. But obviously I don't mean enough to you because would you have even thought of kissing me if you hadn't been drinking?"

He watched the anger fall away━blown out like a snuffed out flame. Hott stopped himself, his heart rising right up his throat as his words went back over in his head. The pause that dropped between them like a deep chasm wasn't awkward, it wasn't something in fury, it was just ... sad.

"You love me?" whispered Astrid, as if she wasn't sure whether to be taken aback or horrified.

He couldn't take it back now. And despite it all━despite everything, Hott knew he didn't want to. He sighed. Hands on his hips he closed his eyes and dropped his head to his chest. He didn't know whether it was defeat or courage that made him nod and admit: "Yes. Gods, yes."

Her breath hitched. "You love me," she breathed again.

"I love you," said Hott, bitter, "so, do you love me?"

She looked tearful. Was he, too? "What?"

He gestured a hand to her, "You kissed me. So, do you love me or not, Astrid?"

"I━How can I answer that?"

"I don't know, you tell me," Hott has never been so mad at her, and yet so torn apart━and desperate to hear her say yes. "I'm asking you a question, Astrid. Do you love me?"

"I━" she shook her head, "━that's not a fair question!"

"That's not fair?" he threw his hands up, done with everything. "I want to know the truth, Astrid. I want to know whether or not I mean something to you, okay? Do you love me?"

Astrid choked up. She glanced around them. "I━I don't know!" she admitted, honest. "Maybe━possibly! I don't know!"

"You obviously came here to kiss me for a reason! Even if you are drunk, you did it for a reason. At the very least I deserve an answer━after all these years, I deserve to know. So, do you love me, yes or no?"

"I don't know!"

"That's not an answer! Yes or no?"

"Then no!"

Hott faltered. Astrid's shoulders dropped as she realised what she said. He didn't know what he expected━maybe he did expect that answer. Deep down, he had a feeling, even if he wished for anything different, that he had been falling all alone.

He took a sharp breath through his nose. He bit back tears, finding it hard to swallow the ache in his throat. It hurt, but ... but at least he knew. "Okay," he said softly. "Thank you, for being honest."

Astrid shed a tear as he went to leave. He turned, wanting to go somewhere else and be alone, when━

"Hott."

He glanced back far quicker than he wanted to admit. He held his breath, still wishing that maybe she would change her mind. He was met with a teary, defeated gaze━like he had only proven something she already knew.

"What if..." Astrid's voice cracked, "... what if ...?"

"What if what?"

"What if I'm wrong?" she croaked.

Hott chuckled sadly. He shook his head. "It's not a what if, Astrid. If you know, you know ..."

"And what happens when I do know?"

He shrugged. He didn't know what he wanted to happen ... not anymore. Hott turned away again, "I'm guessing you'll know where to find me."

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a/n: lol I was gonna include the fight with grimmel but the hottstrid angst took up too much space.

but that's okay, because it's important for them to lash all this out.

also not valkyrie telling astrid she would make hott happy and then her going ahead thinking she was following her feelings only to make it worse and hurt him and then only just justify her own insecurities and fears ...

my babies are drunk and asking for unreasonable expectations... also, domestic hiccyrie needs to figure out their shit otherwise imma cry.

wait, I'm the one who decides when that happens ... shit ...

(minimal editing).