To be honest, Lelia seems to be doing better after the time she spent with Mom.

Or I'm just believing what I want to believe.

But I don't think so.

Mom is trying harder with her, so that's one of the things that changed their relationship. At first, Mom would easily give up or get angry at Lili fast. This whole process of her getting 'nicer' already started before the abduction, by the way.

Also, Lelia needed this. Someone who's a good advice giver and who makes her feel comfortable. It could've been Jennifer. That would make way more sense, as she's closer with Jen than with Amina.

It's just that one tiny little difference that does it.

Lelia has known Amina longer.

And that's all my sister needs to think about when trusting someone.

Are they trustworthy? Yes. Okay, so which one have I known the longest? Ah, that one.

Because after all, the ones she hasn't known that long for, might still 'change their mind' on her.

Which is actually not a crazy thought.

Though I'd probably go for the one I like the most.

I don't tell anyone that because then they will know who I like better and I don't want the other person to feel sad about that— yeah, because they're really going to know you were thinking about them, Lyndon.

"Lyndon?" After the little voice in my head, my name gets called again, this time by a female. It's Jennifer. We're having a talk again.

See, now this is not where I choose for the one I like the most. If I had to choose between Mom and Jen, it's Mom, duh. But Jen studied psychology so it makes more sense to go to her with my... issues, whatever.

"Lyndon," my name gets repeated, drawn out long, but not impatient.

I blink. "Uhm, what?"

"You zoned out. It's okay. But I told you something before we started."

"You would like to know what I zoned out about," I respond, nodding. "Because that helps you know what causes my mind to get distracted, and how you can help me with that in the best way," I say. Those are exactly her words.

One benefit about repeating someone's words in your mind a million times.

"So, what were you thinking about?"

"Eh, how Lelia's doing. What the difference is..." i trail off. Now she will know that Lelia prefers Mom over— no, Lyndon. That's you. Lelia doesn't think like that. Jen won't get hurt. "Why she would go to Amina instead of you."

"Okay." I know she won't need details. "Your mind's going back to Lelia a lot. I thought you said you had been thinking about it the whole way to here, which is already more than an hour."

"Yes. I was explaining the conclusion to... myself. Again. I don't know why."

She smiles softly. "That's fine. Back to the subject now. Can you tell me how you coped while Lelia and Thomas were missing?"

"Ehm."

I don't really remember a lot from the time they were gone, which is weird but nice... in some ways.

"I kept myself busy with trying to figure out where they were," I explain slowly. "Newt was by my side, which helped."

"Can you describe how you felt?"

A slight frown grows on my face. "Well. I mean, I was stressed at first. Then I started to feel less stressed. I don't know why. Maybe the pain got numb, maybe I got used to it."

"Show me your hands for a second."

Ashamed of the bitten off nails and little wounds and loose skin around them, I show my hands.

"You might've not noticed it," Jennifer says, "but I think you started fidgeting with your hands. I mean, you mentioned before that you often do that, but I don't think your nails were bitten like that before. It is a way to cope. Unhealthy, but it somehow did take your mind off your stress."

I nod.

"Okay, next. Since they returned, how have you been feeling?"

"Relieved. Guilty."

"Guilty?" She raises an eyebrow.

"I feel guilty for beating Austin up which is really weird because he definitely deserved that."

She lets go of a deep breath, thoughtful.

"I think I know why I feel guilty," I add.

"Yeah? Why?" Jennifer's head tilts to the side; a gesture she makes to let me know she's waiting patiently.

"His face started morphing into the faces of people who have hurt me. Some of those don't deserve to receive that many fists. Maybe like... one, but that's it," I say. "So I technically didn't beat those people up, and they don't know I imagined it, but still."

A short silence falls. Jennifer takes the information in, nodding to herself, and then looks back up.

"Whose faces did it morph into?"

When I don't reply, she adds, "Have these people hurt you recently?"

I shake my head.

"So you don't know them from the camp?"

I shake my head again. "School, mostly. Or the neighborhood."

"How did they hurt you? Do you know how old you were?"

"Eh... like, eight to eighteen?"

"Have they been hurting you for ten years long?"

"Well, some for less than that. The group expanded and got smaller now and then. And some were alone. Didn't have a whole group with them."

"And this was at school?"

"Yes. And after. And before."

"What would they do to you?" She asks gently.

I look down at my hands. I'm tugging at the skin again. I can't stop. "Oh, eh— you know. Say things."

"In our first talk, you mentioned getting physically harmed as well. By the same people, am I right? The same as those kids at school and in the neighborhood?"

"Yes," I say, unsure.

"Would they make you trip? Beat you up? What sort of things would happen?"

"Both?"

"Don't ask me." She smiles. It eases me. "Ask yourself."

"Yes, both."

"Often?"

"Not as often as they would say things. Or like, block my path until I walked away."

"So you were bullied."

My shoulders automatically raise up to shrug. "I guess now you've confirmed it."

Her mouth opens. She is about to say something, but then she closes her mouth again. Inhales, starts speaking. "Have you ever told anyone, Lyndon? About the bullies?"

I shake my head.

"No one knows?"

"I don't think so. I mean, the bullies know."

Another small smile pulls at her lips before it vanishes. "Why haven't you told anyone before?"

"Didn't feel relevant."

"What would your parents say if you showed up, bruised and beaten up?"

"I'd lie."

"And Lelia? Didn't she ever notice?"

"Sort of. She'd notice glitter they put in my hair, things like that. It sounds stupid if I mention it like that— anyway, she believed I did it just to make her happy. And I was fine with that answer. It made it less bad. Oh, wait! One time, she did notice. Then she started yelling at them and they never started again. Oh, and she once punched a kid in the face for... I don't know at the moment."

"So secretly, she did know a lot. But as a kid, she might've had her own worries, and couldn't make the connection you were bullied daily."

"Yes, possible."

☀︎︎

After a long talk, longer than I thought it was, I've arrived at Newt's.

Okay, there were a few days between the talk and meeting Newt because I wanted to make sure Lelia was really okay. Then I started getting impatient, so did Newt, and Lelia told me to just go.

So yay, back at the Fleur and Bill house.

"Okay, so what's it going to be?" Newt places the iPad between us— or rather, one half on my leg and one half on his, because we're sitting super close to each other—Netflix on the screen.

"I have no idea."

He puts another popcorn in his mouth. "I don't know either. You choose."

"You choose."

And now he starts grinning. "I said it first. Now you have to choose."

I throw my head back. "I don't know! I'll fall asleep halfway through the movie anyway."

In a second, he has put the iPad aside. "Okay. Then we go to sleep. I don't care. I just want to be really close to. Like, forever. You're not getting rid of me."

"I wasn't planning to."

"Good." Newt twists around so he can lie his head on my chest—

There the bowl of popcorn goes.

"Newt!" I can't help but laugh. "You're never gonna get rid of those crumbs now."

"Ew. I can already feel them itching."

For five minutes, we wipe the food off his bed. It seems pretty clean.

When we lay down, I still feel it.

"It could also be sand. We literally live next to it."

"On it. You live on the sand and next to the lake," I say.

"Yes, that's what I mean." He rolls his eyes.

Offended, I cross my arms. "Okay, we go wash your sheets and—"

"I am never rolling my eyes at you again I am so sorry."

Now confused, I stare at him. "I don't really mind at this point. I love you too much to notice your faults. And this wasn't even a fault."

His face lights up. "Okay, thank you, Lynn. You're amazing."

"Thank you. You've said that like, five times today, but thank you."

"Gotta get it in your head."

"I repeat everything anyone says in my head already."

"You're amazing, you're amazing, you're amazing, you're amazing—"

I slam a hand on his mouth. "Careful, there. My mind is already repeating all your words at once. A thousand voices in my head—" then I'm laughing and can no longer continue speaking.

Newt removes my hand. "You're amazing," he grins. Out of nowhere, his arms wrap around me so tightly that I'm surprised. "Really amazing. I think you're the best person in the whole world. You're so selfless and I literally would still love you if you'd be selfish and when I look at you I wonder what the hell I've done that made me deserve you because you're truly the best person out there— which I already said. And when people look at you, admiring you, I let them because they're not wrong for that but I also kind of want to punch them in the face for looking at you but then again, if I weren't your boyfriend, I'd be very jealous of who is. And then you zone out and your eyes just have this certain look and I can't stop watching, but hey, you're zoned out, so you won't notice me watching you so I keep watching you until you're no longer zoned out and then I realize I'm a creep but then I remember I'm actually your boyfriend so I'm allowed to watch and feel really lucky and appreciate you because you're so bloody amazing."

I blink.

"Do you need an inhaler now?" I ask.

He gulps for air after all those words. "Maybe, yes."

I stand frozen on my place for a few seconds. Slowly, the words get through my head. One by one. "I'm going to cry, Newt."

"No. Don't cry. I didn't want to make you cry." He hugs me again, which makes it even worse. "I don't even know why I blurted all of that out."

"Because you love me. And I love you." I smile so brightly it hurts.

Because he loves me, and I love him.

"No one else, except for family members, has made me this happy before," I whisper through the wet drops falling down my cheeks.

Newt laughs through his words. "I'm glad to be of service."

"Never stop the service, please."

"I won't." He kissed my forehead for a long time. "Never."

"Don't promise it either. Brings bad luck."

"No. Nothing is going to break us up. I promise. If something gets in the way, we get it out of the way."

"What if one of suddenly dies?" I blurt out. "What if I get in a car crash while returning home?"

Oh my God Lyndon—

"As I said, I'm not letting go of you again," Newt said. "You're not going anywhere. We might as well buy an apartment or something. We're literally nineteen."

"Exactly. Literally not even twenty."

"You'd live in an apartment with me," he says.

"Yes, I would," I say easily.

"I say we do it."

"I say we think it through. Like a thousand times."

"You go think it through for a year, I go make money during it."

"How?"

"Maybe I can buy some drugs and sell them and—"

"No!" I yelp. "No, no, no."

"I was kidding." He laughs into my chest. "Oh, I love you so much."