They could've mentioned they would do pretty much everything at once.

Besides the nice bath they allowed me to take, I don't think I'm going to make it through the night like this.

They combined it.

I'm allowed to sleep inside, in an actual bed, as said. Thomas is outside. But I can't feel bad for him because I'm too busy listening to the sounds the headphones are playing. I don't even want to speak of what I'm hearing.

The bed is in the cold room I said I'd stay in. I'm gagged, also like I said I would be. The water bottle is on the small, smelly nightstand.

The craziest thing is that even with all these circumstances, I'm so exhausted that I'd easily be able to sleep in this bed.

But I'm not allowed to, because I chose for that. Every time I close my eyes, the volume on the headphones gets higher and I swear the room get colder. They're definitely watching me.

Well, when are they not.

I can feel myself ebbing away through the time. I feel my mind drifting off— my thoughts getting uncontrollable. Physically, I can feel every damp little drop of sweat running down my forehead. I feel the texture of every shiver on my skin. I feel the small clumps of mascara around my eyes. The soft silkiness of my dress. The glittery details itching my skin.

I don't know how long I'm going to last. If they keep feeding us in such a poor way, we'll get worn out but we'll survive. That's the worst thing. They want us alive only to make us miserable. So miserable that we're on the last little line, and then they'll feed us again, and we're at the beginning of the line.

I don't know how much time has passed, either.

I don't know how Lyndon is doing. Certainly not okay. I'm thinking of so many ways he could be reacting to this, and all that thinking makes me feel really bad, because I know his mind is like this on a daily basis.

And then I also feel really bad that I've never paid that much attention to it or have helped him.

In fact, I just feel bad for all the things I didn't do right.

That's a sign of giving up. Feels like it, at least.