"Alright. Art is over, so we've got until tomorrow morning. Thomas will tell Janson an excuse for our absence at dinner," Newt says, turning left.

I stare out of the window the car. "Yup."

"Jennifer is awesome," he adds for like the millionth time. "Don't be nervous."

"Not nervous at all."

He chuckles. "I can see when you're nervous. You're definitely nervous right now."

"No— well, yes, but no— maybe I have other reasons," I say and cross my arms stubbornly.

"Oh, yeah? I won't crash us."

"I know."

"Ah-ha, so you're nervous because of me." Another laugh leaves his mouth.

I scoff. "Don't be silly."

"Did I mention I can also see when you lie?"

"Shut up." I give Newt's arm a slap, but it's so soft that it barely fazes him, and he keeps laughing.

"Anyway— you ready? We're here. It seems like Lelia and Minho are still here, too."

"Yup," I say again. "Very ready."

When his hand starts resting on my arm, I flush. Newt keeps talking as if he doesn't see it. "You got it, Lynn. Only tell her the things you're comfortable with."

I nod. "I got it. I'll be fine."

☀︎︎

I won't be fine, I mouth to Newt, the second Minho's mother has opened the door and let us inside.

"Would you two like a cup of tea first?" She asks. "Lelia and Minho went upstairs."

"Oh, really?" A grin flashes onto Newt's face as he sits down, in a way that makes it seem like he has sat down here a million times before.

"Don't get too excited. Minho was pissed and we asked Lelia to talk to him," Jennifer explains. "Though they haven't gotten out of there for hours. I just know I don't want to interrupt anything. But yeah, whatever— Lyndon, honey, what tea do you like?"

I'm still standing awkwardly beside the table until Newt pulls at my arm, forcing me down onto a chair. "Uhm. Anything if fine."

"Just like your sister." She smiles. "She's so lovely."

I nod in agreement. "She is."

"So, how would you prefer this to go? We have a chat first so we get to know each other a bit more? Wanna dive straight into it? Want Newt to be with us or not?"

All eyes go on me. And boom, I flush again. "Uhm." Stop that. "Eh." Stop that, too. "Whatever works well for you."

"But we're here for you, so you can decide," she says patiently, still smiling but not in a creepy way. Get what I mean? Just pure kindness.

"I don't know," I say.

I'm always so original.

"I think it's better if I'm not there," Newt suggests.

My head snaps towards him and I frown. "Why not?"

"Because you might not say certain things with me there," he explains. "Right, Jen?"

My frown deepens. Unless she needs me to share how much I like Newt, I don't think there's a problem.

Newt knows everything about me except for that. Well, maybe he doesn't know everything from my childhood, obviously, but other than that, he knows me very well.

And I've zoned out again. Shortly, but it made me miss some of Jennifer's words anyway.

"Alright. We'll go straight upstairs. Or would you prefer to stay here, at the kitchen table?"

I definitely don't want to sit at a formal table.

"Here is fine," I say fast.

"Okay. Then I'll go." Newt gets up. I open my mouth to tell him he doesn't have to leave, but my lips freeze midway when his hand lingers on my back for a while. "See you, Lynn."

He just made those three words sound... so good.

"Alright." Jennifer, probably oblivious, readjusts herself on her seat. "Did you have any idea where we could start? Should I start asking questions? Or perhaps tell me what you struggle with first."

"Right." I readjust myself, too, and then clear my throat. "Uhm, Newt says—"

"Ah," she says sharply, holding a finger up. "Not what Newt says. Tell me what you struggle with."

"Alright." I look down at my hands. "I zone out. A lot. It can get annoying in important situations. I'm close to zoning out now, wondering if I'm delusional or can actually see all my painting has changed the tint of my skin on my hands."

She nods, almost as if she understands. "Okay. What else?"

"I've been getting a lot of—"

"BLOODY SHITHEAD OF A—"

I'm on my feet first, flying up the stairs. Worry has some time to increase, as it comes fast. Then I've arrived at Newt and am holding his shoulders.

"Gosh, are you okay?" I panic, nearly out of breath. "What was— OH MY—"

"Lyndon!"

"Don't look." Newt spins me back around. Unfortunately, he's too late and I have already had a look inside Minho's room.

"Jeez, someone mentioned overreacting?" Lelia's voice is full of annoyance. "There was literally nothing to see."

Newt points at Minho. "He was shirtless."

"So? We were barely doing anything. And why the fuck do you somehow manage to interrupt every good moment in my life? In my own house! Why the hell are you in my house? How do you appear everywhere I—"

Jennifer loudly interrupts us, hands on her hips. "Newt, stop being this holy. Lyndon, you can stop covering your eyes. Lelia, I feel sorry for you. Minho, I told you to lock the door in moments like these—"

"We were literally only kissing!" He defends. "As you said, Newt should just stop being this holy. Or dramatic. That's my job."

"Why are you two everywhere we go?" Lelia asks, tone rather snappy. Well, sure, she isn't happy. Not that I am, after seeing her and Minho like that.

Newt lets go of a breath, calmer now. "Yeah, alright, sorry. I just didn't expect to see that as the door was open. Lyndon and I are here for Jennifer. She's trying to help him with his issues."

Lelia frowns, looking at me. The annoyed part has completely transformed into worry. "Things have been getting worse?"

"Only a little bit," I say. "Don't worry."

"God, you know you can talk to me about things like that, right?" The hug comes unexpected. "At least don't hide such important things."

"I wasn't hiding anything."

"Exactly," Newt interferes. "If you'd pay attention, you would've known—"

"Hey," Minho snaps. "You can't say that. What if she was busy with other shit?"

"Guys, guys." Jennifer buries her head in her hands. "Lyndon, should we just continue and leave these three in war? Lelia, know you're safe to go downstairs. Newt, Minho— don't even dare to bother us again."

I decide to just follow Jennifer in silence.

I don't really succeed, though. "Lelia seems to be your favorite," I end up saying.

"Would it be a problem, though?"

"No. She's my favorite. But you... you have a son. And a husband. I—"

"Favorite woman," she corrects. "Minho takes one and Hiram two. Satisfied?"

"I wasn't—" I stammer, "I didn't mean it like that."

Laughing, she squeezes my shoulder. "I know you didn't, love. Don't worry. It's alright."

A relieved breath leaves me as I sink down on the chair for a second time. I take a few sips of my tea before we really start, this time without interruptions.

"Okay. Where were we?" A short pause. "Right. You were telling me about your issues."

I nod. "So, eh, zoning out. And I've been getting a lot of... memories lately. As I zone out, sort of. Does that make sense?"

"Your brain replays memories in your head, almost like dreams, except you're awake? And fully able to walk, et cetera?"

"Yes. But I can't talk or actually listen to someone as that happens..." I explain slowly.

"I figured that out, love." She gifts me a small smile. "Anything else?"

"I don't always sleep very well."

"Do you know the cause?"

"My mind. I overthink quite a lot, especially at night."

She nods. "When do you sleep well? At any specific moments?"

"When the day was good and I'm close to Newt," I say. "Or just so tired that nothing keeps me awake. I tire myself out at night, only to be unable to get out of my bed in the morning. I go to sleep early and sleep in late."

She nods another time. "I can't pull any conclusions, but it all comes close to insomnia."

I swallow some nerves away. "Maybe. Other than that, my hands are shaky and sweaty," I tell her.

"And you find it hard to concentrate?"

"Guess the zoning out means that." A shrug. "Is any of this... fixable?"

"Sure it is. I could send you to a professional, because all these things are serious issues, but you can also take my advice first. I can give sleeping pills. I think sleeping better will immediately help with the zoning out, once you're less tired."

"I've tried them before," I say. "They didn't work."

"Oh, that's interesting." She leans back in her chair, but her eyes stay on me. "Do you know why?"

"It was a whole drama for eleven year old me to take them anyway. I was scared I'd never wake up," I say. "And then they did work, but my sleep only became worse when we tried one night without the pills. My parents didn't want me addicted to the pills, so they stopped."

"Did they go to a professional?"

"Yeah."

"Did it help?"

"Not really."

"How come?"

"I wasn't really working along. Therapist was moody and felt like we were wasting time with all my questions. We didn't really get any advice."

Jennifer takes it in for a second. "Okay. Now I'm going to do some digging on what the cause of all your stress might be, alright?" She pauses for a short moment. "Lelia mentioned your mother's dead, but you're her real brother, right?"

"Yes. I see my stepmom as my real mom. Lelia doesn't," I summarize. "It's pretty sad. I wish they had a better bond. But she seemed happy with you, so I'm really glad about that."

Her smile warms up. "Good. So Lelia mentioned a few things about your stepmom. Are there any issues you have with her? Or your father, at all?"

"No," I say. "They're the best."

"Any other stressful events in your childhood that could cause your nervousness now? I don't think it's your family."

I shrug a bit.

"Lyndon?" I can tell her attention is sharper on now that she moved closer, eyes wider. "You don't have to tell me everything, of course. I only want to help."

"There could be some annoying kids around," I state. Again, my words are slow.

"In what way?"

Another shrug. "Just annoying."

"Would they harm you?"

"Harm me how?"

"Physically. Has anyone harmed you physically?"

"Sometimes."

"How badly?"

My chest tightens. I can feel the memories returning. I don't like it. "Depended."

"Will you be okay giving me an example of what happened?"

"Oh my— Lyndon, what happened?" Panicked, Amina came running over to me. "Sebastian, ice pack."

I removed my hand off my cheek, revealing one of the abrasions. "I got into a fight and fell as I walked home," I said.

Lie.

"You got into a fight?" Dad asked. He lay focus on the first word.

"Yes." Lie. "I'm sorry."

"Where are you hurt, love?" Amina dabbed across my cheek with a wet cloth. Then my scraped knees and elbows. It took a while for the bleeding nose to stop.

I did fall.

I tripped over one's foot, which just happened to move when I passed.

They laughed as I hit the concrete. I slid a few inches further, which caused the abrasions.

When my "stick legs didn't break while they were supposed to because of a simple fall like that", an elbow "accidentally" hit me in the face and got me that bleeding nose.

I was okay, though. Lelia thought it was pretty cool that I had fought someone. And made it home, even while bleeding.

I tell Jennifer a little bit about those things, but I don't feel comfortable telling everything. I don't think I'll tell her about my sexuality yet. All the trouble that caused.