Eventually, they were going to sprout and bear fruits.

❦︎

~[TRACY]~

My heartbeat echoed in my head. At the same time, I felt like I was submerged under water, with a weight attached to my ankle that would not let me swim to the surface. I could see my breakthrough, but I could not grasp it.

How long till I can embrace Maami again?

My chest burned at the fact that my answer was possibly never. That there was a chance that I was never going to see her again. A big chance.

"What are you scared of?"

It was Chris that reached out and pulled me out of the ocean that was my thoughts. My eyes searched the room and I finally found him at the door, arms folded across his chest.

"Hm?" I blinked, confused even though I heard him clearly.

"You look like a puppy in the middle of nowhere." He started taking slow strides towards me. "You look terrified, Tracy."

"Tee." I voiced out. "Call me Tee, please."

Amidst the chaos and madness that surrounded my life, that alias was the only thing that helped me shake off the feeling that I was loosing everyone in my life. The sense of familiarity that came with hearing someone call me that almost always convinced me that I was not losing my shit.

Hearing him call me my actual name, in my head, implied that I was nothing more than just another human being to him.

Tee was what my gang called me... because they loved me. I chose to latch onto that with my soul.

"Tee..." He breathed and let out a gentle laugh as he sat beside me. "It's Christmas."

"Huh?" Again, my hearing did not translate to comprehension.

"Merry Christmas, Tee." He threw one arm across my shoulders. "Come downstairs and eat. I cooked."

Chris in the kitchen always produced magnificent outcomes. Matter of fact, the thought of it helped to support the heaviness in my heart, tugged at the corners of my lips and made me smile.

But as I got on my feet, I heard the voice that I wished would call my name again.

"Iman! Iman!" I recognized that child-like excitement in his voice. There was a quickness in his footsteps when I listened for them.

And then, as if he were looking at the most ghastly thing on earth, his smile dropped as soon as he walked through the door, all the light in his eyes draining as soon as they met mine.

I singlehandedly ceased all the joy he was feeling. Within a second.

"What is it, Yohance?" Chris asked his brother dryly.

"There's a carnival at the park that I wanted us to attend together." That excitement he was screaming with just seconds ago had vanished. "But nevermind, I'll just go alone."

"I was not even going to agr—"

"I just said nevermind." Charles bristled and did not even spare a second before be stormed off.

I was attaining new heights of evil everyday. My latest accolade was successfully causing a rift between brothers that I knew to have the tightest bond.

I deflated as I released a heavy sigh. "You should have gone with him."

"He's just being a baby." Chris started guiding me to the door. "He knows better than to ask me to accompany him to a freaking carnival."

"You would have gone if I weren't here."

"True." He shrugged, looking at me like that was supposed to make me feel better. "But you're here and I will not leave you alone. Not like this."

"Chris, I—"

"My mother is eager to see you, Tee." He informed me. "You know how fond of you she is."

I nodded, accepting that there was no convincing him. But, "you and Charles?"

"We're fine." He chuckled. "Things like this happen between us, whether you're here or not."

                               •°•°•

It was in the backyard that I found myself after I had eaten. The harmattan breeze came with a little bit of calmness today, so it was easier to be outside.

"You have become so frail."

Her voice had me turning to face her, reminding me that she was the one that dragged me out here in the first place.

She regarded me with the same burning gaze that Chris had, one that would not even let me dare speak anything other than the truth. She was his mother after all.

"I want to tell you a story, Cece." She stroked my chin and pulled my head so that it was resting on her bossom.

Her heartbeat was soft and slow, inviting me to listen. And for a moment, I felt jealous of the twins. They had this. A mother, one that was not lost and... insane.

"When I was six, I had a stuffed panda that I named Taushi." She started, her fingers gently stroking my shoulder. "It was impossible for me to fall asleep without him; at least it felt that way at the time. Until, one day, I got home from school and could no longer find him where I usually laid him down between my pillows. Mama said that thieves had ransacked the house while I was away, and they had taken Taushi too. I cried my eyes out that day, Cece. I could not understand why the thieves would have even wanted Taushi, what were they going to do with him? But, with time, I learned to sleep without him; I never forgot him, but I learned to live without him. It was not until I turned nine that I saw Taushi again. Do you know where I found him?"

I shook my head no, still under the calmness that came with listening to her heartbeat.

She laughed wryly, and I felt the movement of her chin on my scalp as she shook her head. "I found him tucked away in a small basket under my mother's bed."

At that, I frowned, lifting my head to look at her. "Huh?"

"My mother took Taushi from me." This time, it was a scoff that escaped her lips. "And I did not even know what I felt when I laid eyes on him. It was neither anger nor disappointment. My brain could just not comprehend that my mother did that to me."

"Why did she do that?" It was just a stuffed animal, yes. But the principle of the matter baffled me.

"She claimed that I had become too dependent on the thing." She snickered. "That I had to detach myself from it. In her words, there was no telling if I was ever going to let go of it, so separating me from it was better done sooner than later. At the time, that was the worst thing anybody had ever done to me, my nine year old self could not even decode whatever it was that I was feeling as I looked at my mother that day. She was the one person that I trusted with all my heart and it hurt that I no longer saw her the same way. But I learned something that day, Cece." She finally looked down at me, straight in my eyes with her burning gaze. "That it is possible to be searching for something that is right under my nose."

That was all she had to say. Her eyes carried a subliminal message, one that I understood immediately.

"Look within, Cece."

I took her words and sowed them in my heart. Eventually, they were going to sprout and bear fruits. But for now, I focused on the warmth she offered, the closest thing I had to a mother's affection.

.
.
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A/N

Merry Christmas, guys.

It's been about a million years, yeah? Let's thank God that I'm beginning to discover my love for writing again.

There's no excuse, there's no explanation, life has just been happening. Hopefully, I'll finish the next chapter before the end of the year.

You guys already that I love you, so stay safe! 💕💫