❝︎ tabassum bhi, hayaa bhi, bayrukhi bhi
yeh andaaz-e-sitam bhaya bohat hai ❞︎

(smiles, shyness, insensitiveness
i might have liked this way of yours hurting me)

- “Dil-e-Muztar” by Alycia Dias

★★★

Yes, there was one thing Fizza was grateful for during the days she had been on friendly terms with Rohaan Haider.

Notes.

Someone named Shahveer Ahmed's notes.

Once, in ninth grade, she had uttered in front of him that it would be great if she got a topper senior's notes and a few days later, she found a pile of them in her hands. Apparently, Rohaan had talked to Shahveer once or twice, as they were all in the same coaching center, and he requested him to give him his notes.

Fizza didn't know Shahveer back in ninth grade, for he had graduated when she got admitted there and joined again as a teacher when she was in tenth grade. So, it was only later when she realized that the notes she had been using belonged to a teacher. His notes often embarrassed her, by reason that they were way clearer and cleaner than hers.

She sighed softly as she put all of them back in a carton and thought if she could return them. It didn't take long to reach a conclusion though. Since she wasn't the one who borrowed those notes, she decided that she's also not responsible to return them.

Just imagine, how awkward it would be if she went to him and gave him his notes, just for him to respond with a 'who are you?'.

She slightly shivered and shook her head at that scenario as she mumbled a "never" under her breath.

Coming out of her trance, thanks to her phone buzzing, she picked it and answered the call.

"Salam, Daeen. What's up?"

"Walikumasalam. I wanted to ask if you're taking today's class."

"Of course, yaar, it's the last class but you never know what important questions he might make us mark, so its best to go."

A month had passed since her fallout with her friends and they still hadn't talked. It was obvious to her and to them as well that they will never be the same. She still couldn't believe they suspected her to have contacted Rohaan. Perhaps, for the time being, they were too confused to remember that Fizza Aftab was someone who would rarely call or even text anyone on her own accord, let alone someone like Rohaan. But ultimately they did know her. And, that was precisely the reason none of them got surprised when she used a harsh term like 'trash' for him.

They knew her, but perhaps their friendship had fulfilled it's appointed time.

Moreover, if truth be told, Fizza was happier with Daneen as compared to them. In the past, Fizza would mostly keep her thoughts and opinions to herself, knowing that they wouldn't think the same. She couldn't voice it out. However, it wasn't like that with Daneen. Even if at times, they'd have different opinions, they still conversed freely.

"Okay, just wanted to make sure. See you soon then."

"Ahan. Oh yeah, I'll be going early today. Baba needs to go somewhere so he'll drop me early and then go. So, try to come early please, or I'll be bored."
(Dad)

Daneen chuckled and they hung up after a little more small talk. As she sat back down, Fizza felt a tad bit guilty. She wasn't being completely honest with her new friend. The actual reason was him. If they didn't attend today's class then the next time she'd see him would be months later. She didn't know why but for a few weeks, a certain someone, a certain older male, a certain gorgeous tutor had been ruling her thoughts.

‘Is it because he's a little cool? Nah, it's because he's smart. Yeah, that's it. Intelligence always attracted you, Fizza Aftab. Nothing new.’

She bobbed her head, agreeing with her inner voice. It was a simple infatuation. Something she wouldn't care about in a few days. Something that's not worth mentioning.

Or, so she thought.

~~

"Nahi ammi, bilkul bhi nahi."
(No mom, no way.)

"Lekin-"
(But-)

"Ammi!"
(Mom!)

"Shahveer." He looked over to his father, "I'm sure you know what you've just done was wrong."

Pinching his temple, he sighed, "Yes, I'm sorry ammi I shouldn't have raised my voice." He apologized as he turned towards his mother who just shook her head at his words.

"No, it's okay, I won't force you." She mumbled as she sulked and Shahveer moved forward to hold her hand and bent down to her height.

"Ammi, I'm just twenty one, I haven't even graduated yet, where did this marriage even come from." He pleaded with her to stop. His thoughts were already a mess because of someone who really shouldn't matter.

It was his second year as a teacher in the coaching center he himself studied in and out of nowhere, he found himself in a weird and awkward position. He couldn't believe it. Yes, they were only four years apart and he wasn't even a licensed teacher. He was just teaching for temporary reasons. But being the highly upright person he was, his recent behavior had left him in a state of excessive bewilderment.

For the past month, Shahveer Ahmed had been staring at one of his students every chance he got. He found himself strolling in front of her classroom at the time of breaks, reasoning that his students might need to ask him questions as exam time's near. Furthermore, that was still not the worst.

What's worse was, she'd whip her head in his direction whenever he was looking at her, catching him in his unruly wanderings.

"But your cousin really likes you and so does your aunt. They have no problem with you being a university student. But wait, this is good actually, you two can complete your studies together." She ended excitedly. She really wanted a daughter in law as soon as possible.

"But I don't like her." That was the last from him. Taking his bike keys, he walked out, for he didn't want to continue wasting his time on something he knew was impossible.

He'd rather think about how to collect his straying thoughts.

~~

Having left his home abruptly, he now felt hungry. There was still more than an hour to his class, so he thought he'd get something to eat and directly go to the center.

After picking a burger from the nearest restaurant, though he didn't like burgers much, he reached his destination. As there were still almost fifty minutes to class, he assumed there won't be anyone in the classroom so he went to eat there.

It wasn't even in his wildest dreams to have seen her there. Moreover, considering the indifferent person she was, he never imagined he'd get to see her angry.

"Aunty, ap apne bete se pochein ye. Mein usko test ki tayari kese karaongi agar wo school diary mein note nahi karega?"

(Aunty, ask your son about that. How am I supposed to prepare him for a test if he doesn't note it in his school diary?)

He noticed how she slightly gaped, her eyes narrowed and she clenched her jaw, as she occasionally put the phone away from her ear -probably because the person on the other line was speaking unbearably loudly. This again was new for him and normally he would've long left that place, yet, at the moment, he stationed in his steps.

"Theek hai, aaj bhejdega usse, mein dekhlongi."
(Okay, send him today, I'll make time.)

Fizza reluctantly agreed and on instinct looked towards the door. She was sitting in such a way that slightly turning to the left would give her a view of the entrance of the room and found him looking at her, making her eyes go wide.

He's getting caught all the time now, isn't he?

He scratched his ear and she rubbed her neck as she greeted him, both of them feeling beyond awkward.

"You teach?"

Her eyebrows shot up at that and she mumbled a positive answer. He looked everywhere but her, as he took a seat in the opposite batch of rows, leaving two desks between them. She didn't expect the quiet Sir Shahveer to attempt a talk. Moreover, with a student? No way.

"How about asking your student to note down his homework and tests from now on?"

"I did. He forgets from time to time." She shrugged and Shahveer hummed softly, thinking of another way to help her.

"What grade is he in?"

"Fourth."

"Then how about making a note for his school teacher, asking her to check his diary every day?"

Fizza kept quiet and continued looking at him as she considered the idea. It was good, actually. Not everyone is able to remember things easily, so this way her student will become habitual of noting things down and even his teacher might start paying attention to him.

"That's worth a try. Thank you."

He shook his head as he looked down and hummed.

"My pleasure."

There were a number of similarities between the two of them. One of those similarities was being unable to continue talks or, in other words, being talkative only in comfort zones.

Thus, they went silent and the classroom echoed with the sound of him tearing open the shopper of the burgers. But soon his hands ceased as his eyes moved to her, who now had her back to him and her face buried in her notebook.

'Isn't it odd to be eating while your student is studying?'

Was he overthinking? He didn't know, but he sure felt weird eating in such an environment. Asking her to eat with him would be weirder, so Shahveer was now in a dilemma, halted in his place, trying to figure out what to do.

Until a light bulb appeared on his head.

She likes chocolate. He was certain, for he had seen her eating snickers multiple times during breaks.

He stood up and she instinctively turned her head to see him going out of the room. Her eyes then moved to where he sat and she noticed he had left the shopper half opened.

'An emergency or something?'

She weened and eyed her notebook again. A few minutes in and she found a snickers bar in front of her. Craning her neck, he appeared in her sight in quite an unease as he forwarded the bar towards her.

'......what?'

"You can have it."

He placed it on her desk before moving to his seat and started eating, while she couldn't wrap her mind around his reasons.

"Why?"

'Don't ask that, please.'

He didn't know how to reply to that. It was already hard to give it to her and here she was demanding an explanation. For the first time, Shahveer actually acted on impulse, didn't think of the consequences and as expected, he got stuck. Though, fortunately or unfortunately for him, she weaved the topic through.

"Is it because you felt weird eating alone?"

She couldn't believe the words leaving her mouth, but the way he appeared uncomfortable, sort of gave her the confidence. He cleared his throat and looked in the exact opposite direction from her as he awkwardly nodded his head.

'My, now ain't he cute?'

Fizza rolled her lip inwards in order to hide her smile as she took in his stiff stature and couldn't help tease him further.

"But what made you buy snickers? It's my favorite actually. How did you know?"

He flinched in his seat and it didn't go unnoticed by her, causing her lips to stretch wide. She knew it was because he had been paying extra attention to her these days, though she didn't know why, but whatever it was, at the moment, she failed to stop feeling giddy.

In the back of her mind, she had not forgotten their respective positions, yet kept on being frank with him. What could be done? She just couldn't help it.

"I've seen you eating it before." His words were laced with unease and she found it hard to believe that he was the same confident tutor in front of whom she frequently finds herself fidgeting.

He continued looking away but snapped his head when he heard a giggle.

She was laughing?

"Why are you laughing?" He frowned.

"No, it's nothing." Her giggles couldn't stop. He was already being cute, but now the way his eyebrows had managed to draw closer made it hard for her to come back down to earth.

"I don't think that's the case. Now, tell me already, why are you laughing at me?"

"Ooff, so persistent. I just thought what you did was cute and that made me laugh, no more no less." She blurted and realized that she had gone too far. Glancing at him to find any traces of anger, she only found him looking at her with dilating pupils and as if to make it up for the last few minutes, she suddenly found herself in a state of undying embarrassment.

"I'm sorry sir, I was out of line."

He blinked rapidly and as he broke their stare, he mumbled;

"It's okay- you could've just said that before." He shrugged wanting to appear casual and sort of succeeded, considering that now Fizza sat with her back to him, gradually sinking in her seat.

Placing his fist on his mouth, he felt his lips slightly turning upwards and his ears turning warm.

~~

"I didn't know it was possible to actually forget one's phone behind. I thought it only happened in dramas." Fizza joked.

"What can I do? I'm not too fond of it so I don't quite value it." Daneen casually mentioned making Fizza playfully roll her eyes.

"Ameeri sar pe chargai, hain na?"
(Riches have gotten to your head, right?)

Daneen stuck out her tongue at that and the two chuckled as they moved towards their classroom, only to pause in their steps when they saw a figure standing out of the classroom with his head hung low.

Their mathematics teacher.

He had just finished delivering an extra lecture even though he had covered his whole syllabus the week before and had an off that day. Another teacher could've taken over for him but a number of students had queries they demanded sir Shahveer to solve.

Fizza's eyes narrowed and she walked up to him unconsciously. Stopping just beside him, she listened with him as she gestured him to not react at her actions and what hit her ears made her grit her teeth.

"Sir Shahveer doesn't pay attention to every student equally. He only cares about the one's who already perform good."

Shahveer exhaled tiredly. He was never one to get hurt by mere words but when they are uttered by people whom you spend your time and effort on, the pain is not something that can be easily erased or forgotten.

He was about to walk away but stopped when Fizza, once again, communicated through gestures and hinted him to not go.

"And didn't he seem quite angry today? I mean he is the one who doesn't pay mind to us and then when our marks aren't upto his par, he reprimands us."

Fizza scoffed and concluded they had heard enough.

"Dano." She looked over at her friend, "Let's go get your phone."

Daneen had also been listening to what was going behind the door that had been left ajar and smirked as she simpered a "sure". None of them caring to explain anything to the clueless Shahveer.

They walked in and the two girls in the room stiffened a little, fearing their back biting had been exposed.

"Ah, here it is." Daneen announced as she picked up her phone and after a beat of silence continued,

"So you guys think sir Shahveer doesn't treat students equally?"

"Well, yes, we-" One of them started but a certain impatient fellow cut her off.

"Are you sure about that? I'd ask you to speak wisely." Fizza mumbled as she absent mindedly and continuously tapped her fingers on the desk.

"What does it even have to do with you?"

"And that's your call to speak ill of someone?"

It seems she was never tolerant when it came to him, and unknowingly at that.

The girls' eyes flared and they immediately starting defending themselves.

"We weren't speaking ill of him, we were just stating facts."

Fizza gaped and she could feel her pitch rising.

"Facts? Do you even know what you're saying?" She scoffed again and as she placed her hands on her waist, she resumed;

"You said he's only good to the already good students. But you know what's the fact actually? Think about it a bit, if your head is not just a decoration, would you like a student who's always late, doesn't pay attention in class and never does her homework? What's surprising is that, that same student claims she's being treated unfairly when that's obviously not the case."

Till when she finished, the two girls seemed to regret their words. But, was Fizza nice enough to stop at just that? Not quite the case that involves him.

"Also, the test you were talking about. I'm sure he explained those questions in his class and even told us to revise them at home. Tell me, if someone still doesn't get something as simple as Arithmetic Sequence, wouldn't you be angry if you were him?"

"Fizza."

Their heads turned and the two girls, as they were ashamed of their words, walked out of the room wordlessly when he gestured them to go. However, the one addressed was unable to process all that.

'He just called me by my name?'

Even though Fizza had attended Shahveer's revision classes from tenth grade but still he had never addressed her by her name, except that one time when he distributed the papers. Sometimes she'd even think he didn't remember her name but she never expected she'd feel this happy at the way her name rolled off his tongue.

"I think you went a little hard on them."

His voice reached her ears and she noticed that he was standing just in front of her now.

She gulped and looked down as she grumbled, her shyness causing Daneen to arch an eyebrow.

"I don't think so."

"But they didn't even say much."

Not only Fizza, Shahveer's softened tone also made Daneen's lips to part and eyes to blink in disbelieve.

'But you were hurt.'

She couldn't say that. She didn't know if it was her place to say that or not.

The reason she was so angry was because their words affected him. She didn't know why, but his slumped shoulders and lips that were almost curved downwards did something to her.

"Do you think I shouldn't have said anything? Nothing at all?" She changed her course of words and as he looked at her expectant face for a few seconds, the words that came out of his mouth surprised himself.

"No, you did well."

Her eyebrows shot up and the next second, she found herself grinning from ear to ear. She didn't know she needed that. She didn't know that a single affirmation from him could send her to cloud nine.

On the other hand, Shahveer felt something in that heart of his that Haroon had named 'stone'. Was it her concern for him, or was it the way she laughed, which he had only seen from afar? He didn't know, but since then his heart had decided to erratically beat in the presence of a specific petite person.

~~

It wasn't long before they turned the calendar to the fourth month of the year 2018. It was already the end of April and Fizza was trying hard to study the subject she wanted to ace in, because of the teacher who taught that subject, but it seemed that her eldest sister didn't want her to do well.

She had an exam the next day yet she decided to visit, even though she knows that the whole house goes in a mayhem whenever she comes. Especially when she comes with her husband, Fizza's older cousin.

Fizza's eldest sister, Maira, had gotten married to their cousin who was two to three years older than herself. Fizza wouldn't admit it, but she really liked this couple. They had been interested in each other since years and got married, even though his mother didn't like Maira much. Reason? Typical phupo behavior.
(Father's sister)

Her sister stayed over and it didn't take a genius to note she wasn't happy. Fizza was only seventeen but that day, her already weak hold on love further languished when she heard the reason why her sister was wearing a long face.

"He's no longer the Mohsin I knew. He's no longer the Mohsin I fell in love with." Maira practically sobbed and Fizza could feel her heart breaking at her sister's weeps.

Aren't there some people in this world whose words kinda stick to your heart, even if the words aren't too significant? For Fizza, her eldest sister was that person. Her words, for reasons unknown to Fizza, had always found a place in her heart. And, seeing that same sister in such a state was not the best condition for someone as realistic, and sometimes even pessimistic, as Fizza.

"He doesn't look at me the way he used to. He bickers at every possible topic. I know phupo pressures him regarding everything and anything he does, but that doesn't mean he can take it all out on me. He never raised his voice at me before and now he doesn't talk to me for days even though he's the one who starts fights."

Fizza found herself thinking hard about it soon. What love is it if it can't withstand storms? Or, maybe love just doesn't exist?

~~

Months passed and Fizza stood in front of the podium, now a twelfth grader, waiting for her name to be called. She had obtained the second highest percentage among the eleventh graders in her coaching center and they had arranged an award ceremony, gifting the honorary students shields and a free book. The former was okay but the latter? Lord, she knew it was going to be the most boring book in the world.

"Fizza Aftab." A loud cheer followed her name, making her smile. She was fitting quite well with her classmates and they had all become close during the last four to five months. And if asked, she'd say she was really, like really happy those days. In terms of family, friends and also a certain male.

Those months had been like a blessing for her. Her negative feelings for love had heightened but whenever she interacted with Shahveer, even for a few minutes, those feelings ceased to exist. Moreover, her sister's marriage had finally reached a positive note with the news of a child, and her sister told them that her husband has started making amends. Now this was what Fizza called happiness.

"So? How are you?"

She paused her conversation with Daneen and moved her head towards him, who had a wide smile one his face, causing her to mirror it.

Shahveer and Fizza had grown closer lately. Not because they talked much, neither due to him being her teacher, he was still not her regular teacher, but because of the glimpses they caught of each other as they pass by.

The two of them couldn't wait for the ending months of her twelfth grade so that they could finally be in the same classroom during the revision sessions. All they survived at, at the moment were their staring contest, as they called it, in their minds, and their occasional group conversations.

Toning down her smile, which she knew he had caught, she whined;

"I'm fine but I couldn't get good marks in maths."

He tilted his head and voiced out.

"How much did you hit exactly?"

"78 marks." She pouted as she looked down and he hummed in response as he rubbed his chin.

"Well, since I know your potential, I won't say that's enough, but you need to know that you've done better than many. Also, you just need to give your best next time and I'm sure you'll get a full fat hundred." He ended with his lips turning upwards and she bobbed her head, her own lips protraying a beautiful smile.

"Ahem, I'm here too." Haroon chimed in and Daneen followed suit.

"Me too."

This caused their respective friends to chuckle and it was not too late before Fizza's focus shifted to him again.

"How much did you score in math when you were in eleventh grade?" Fizza directed her question to Shahveer but before he could say anything, Haroon spoke in his behalf.

"What do you think?"

"Don't tell me he got a 100 out of 100?"

It was unbelievable but given Shahveer, anything was possible.

"No, I didn't get a hundred." He chuckled, "I got 97 marks."

The girls couldn't stop their gapes.

"As if that's too far from a hundred. I bet they cut those 3 marks because they were jealous."

Fizza waved her hand with her brows forming a single line, making the others chortle and the four spent the rest of the ceremony in one another's company.

~~

He didn't expect it. He really didn't. It was finally the end of January 2019 and their revision sessions had started. However, that wasn't the main point. He didn't expect Fizza would arrive fifty minutes earlier for class, just like him, just like that last revision class of eleventh grade.

No one was there and he couldn't help feel something different this time. They were alone last time too, but this time, as he stepped in, he felt a different set of emotions. His footsteps made her conscious and she turned her head.

Involuntarily, he gulped hard as he took in her state. Initially, she was also shocked to see him but he didn't miss the blush that eventually coated her cheeks and the shy smile she passed his way. They sat there, awkward at first, but soon eased up and communicated as they normally do, nonetheless their hearts refused to calm down for even a second.

The next week went by in the same manner. The two of them arrived early and conversed about every random thing, as they made different excuses as to why they came before class time. They had become comfortable to the point that he slipped a big snickers bar with a note of his name and birthday wish in her bag, with the help of Daneen and Haroon, of course. And, for Fizza that one bar made her the happiest on earth. It was all going good.

Until.

"You know what, Sir Shahveer has a fiancé."

Her eyes widened and she turned to see a bunch of girls talking about the one who basically resides in her mind day and night.

"What? I don't think so." One of them interjected.

"But I just saw a woman with him in the staffroom. He seemed to be introducing her."

Fizza felt her whole world crashing. That couldn't be true. How is it possible for him to be engaged with someone else while he....

He what? A number of eye contacts and you think he likes you?

Fizza was apprehensive to a notable degree and it was time that part of hers made it's existence known.

It's not like he has ever admitted to anything so how can you be sure?

What was it? Her pessimism or her inferiority complex, that she had never admitted of having? Both ways, she refused to give in. This stupid fiancé thing just can't be true.

Standing up from the bench, she looked at her watch and noticed that break's almost over. She decided to go back to class, concluding to ignore the baseless rumor but her curiosity got the best of her.

'They must still be in the staffroom, right?'

She changed her direction and walked towards the gents' staffroom only to actually have her heart broken when she saw him. No, scratch that. Her heart broke when she saw him smiling at her.

There stood Shahveer Ahmed amongst the other teachers with a woman on his right and he was freaking smiling. He rarely smiled at anyone and whenever he did smile in the coaching center, the reason was mostly her or sir Haroon. However, that seemed to no longer be the truth.

She turned about, before his eyes could land on her and since then, she closed herself in her shell.

She no longer attended the revision sessions, stopped hanging in the area outside the classroom during breaks and started sitting in the corner of the desks during regular classes so that he won't be able to see her even when he passes by the door of her classroom.

~~

"You're no longer allowed to come here, you get that?" Shahveer snapped on his way out of the staffroom, as he pretended to see his cousin off. She had been pestering him from time to time for almost a year but coming to his workplace and expecting him to not get angry? It was too big of a task for him.

"It's not a big deal, why are you fussing like this?" Saima retorted, failing to realize how much Shahveer hates unnecessary visits and how he never lets anyone do whatever they want when it obviously hinders others.

"It is, and seriously speaking, I won't tolerate this behavior anymore."

"But what about when, you know, things change?"

"What things are you talking about?" His eyes squinted. "You know what? Forget it, just listen to me." He stopped just on the door of the coaching center and took advantage of no one being there.

"I heard you like me." She blushed and opened her mouth but he gestured her to stop. "Look, I didn't say anything before because I'm not someone who embarrasses others but I'm also not someone who gives others false hopes. I'm sorry but what you want is impossible. I won't be marrying you, not right now, not in the future. I'm sorry."

He knew he was being cruel but he believed only a cruel rejection can end all hope. He was right, in fact, for Fizza didn't cruelly reject him, instead she ran from him.

All of a sudden, he found her not looking at him. She didn't even glance towards him for even the briefest of seconds-as if he didn't exist-and it made him contemplate whether he did something wrong or there's something he didn't know. And that was what he ever so often found himself questioning. Resulting in him not getting any answer and just circling around the same questions, the same person.

Ever since then, Fizza deprived him and herself of all those minor interactions they ever had. In addition, when Fizza, after a few months, was called on stage to receive her award for, once again, being one of the honorary students of twelfth grade, Shahveer managed to become the one who was assigned to hand her her shield, hoping to catch one proper glimpse of her.

He succeeded but that didn't make him feel any better. She just came onto stage, took her award and strolled back down, not honoring him a single glance, while he looked at her the whole time.

Therefore, February 2019 marked the passage in time they grew apart. Apart, like never before. They couldn't do anything about it. One had questions, one had fears, yet the two continued to live their lives as if nothing ever happened, terming the beating of their hearts 'a pash'.

Just a pash, nonetheless, significant enough to live in their hearts for the coming years.

★★★

Author's note:

Assalam o Alaikum and Hi!

WOAH FINALLY DONE WITH THIS LONG ASS CHAPTER!!!

I mean, wow, I can't believe I just wrote a chapter worth 5k+
How do people even write 9k and 10k words, meri tu isme hi din raat ek hogai.

Anyways, I would ask you to understand Fizza a bit, she's a coward and she's just living up to her character (remind me again why I made her like this)

Also, I think there might be confusion for some readers, so feel free to ask me if there's anything you didn't get.

Well then, thank you very much for reading.

Allah Hafiz and take care ♥

Laters ✌🏻