Once again, you moved the tent in front of you.

«Did you call me, James?»

At the sound of your armor approaching, the man raised his head from the table, as he was busy reading a new battle strategy and which he wanted to talk with you about in private.

«I need to discuss something important with the new commander...but before that, how do you feel now?»

That was a stupid question. After your father's death, you didn't stop isolating yourself, training and meditating on your mother's burial site for many hours. No one cared what you did and every time you crossed the camp, everyone stayed silent as the new commander of the mercenary army passed with her head held high...it had never happened that a woman was a soldier, let alone a leader and now that they had the proof before their eyes, they were clearly speechless.

«How do you think I feel?» You looked at the other seriously, now become deputy commander of the troops; you didn't really want to be a leader and couldn't bear any more unnecessary deaths by your hand «You deserve this position more than anyone else, Achard would have wanted it that way...»

Even if you thought so, James knew very well what the truth was and that made his fists secretly clench.

«I'll always be by your side, you have my word Y/n.» His hand rested on your shoulder, massaging it slowly, maybe a little too much until his fingers grazed the exposed skin of your neck «You know Y/n, I've always cared about you and not like a little sister...I want to be closer to you—»

There, you moved his hand away. You didn't like his attitude and when saw him approaching you, you placed your hand on the hilt with an intimidating air.

«I suggest you stay in your place.» James smirked in amusement and again, he disobeyed your order. You were ready to grab the sword, but with a quick gesture, he blocked both your arms, pinning the body against the ground with unprecedented strength.

You had understood too late he wanted this from the beginning...

«I'm warning you, if you don't stop this–»

«Not so fast my dear, or you will make my efforts in vain. Do you have any idea how long it took me to come up with everything?»

You were confused and didn't understand why he was doing this until he touched you intrusively, where armor couldn't protect you.

«Now that Achard is out of the picture, everything will become mine...including you, my dear.»

The whole truth came out that damned night. James had sold out his commander, having him killed and now he wanted to take over your army, turning you into his personal whore...there, it was as if you had no control of your body, even if you had killed humans three times your size, you still hadn't faced the thing you feared most and when you realized James wanted to do that with you, there was nothing left but break the trust you had placed in him.

You were still fifteen. So, James thought he had you in his grasp when he finally saw you motionless beneath him, sure that you would have done as he wished, until you pulled out a knife hidden in your boot; you were sweating cold, but you didn't hesitate to hit his face, marking him forever for his betrayal before running out and carrying your father's sword with you.

From that moment on, everything else was known. But when you thought you were finally out of it, another nightmare just started before your eyes...

«...what is this?»

You kept to cross the field, which had become inexplicably deserted. You didn't know what the hell was happening and when you turned around, you saw another camp of tents and soldiers popping up in all directions; you had never seen it before and didn't know how the hell you got there, but you had the feeling they couldn't see you, as if you were some kind of ghost.

Your eyes scanned each of those men until one appeared. He was bigger than the others, but judging by his features he was very young and the more you looked at him, the more it seemed like you had seen him somewhere.

«...Guts.»

When he turned in your direction, your heart started to flutter with familiar emotions. You wanted to say something, but nothing came out of your mouth except the sound of approaching footsteps behind you; a young woman walked past you, proudly wearing a shiny chest armor and a long, flaming cloak on her straight shoulders.

You wondered who she was until saw her smile at the meeting with the swordsman, who hadn't stopped looking at her with such admiration. The complicity between them was too obvious and when you tried to hold back your discomfort, you heard Guts' voice speaking softly at her...something troubled you inside and before you knew what it was, the scene suddenly changed and suddenly, Guts was kissing the unknown girl intensely, as they were completely immersed in the greenery of the forest.

«Why am I seeing this?»

You had no interest in that, but when you moved your gaze elsewhere, you heard a loud panting, now both were naked and the woman laid under the man's body, who had started kissing her tanned skin adorned with scars.

«Enough.»

She moaned in pleasure when he started thrusting into her, as you were forced to watch him in the arms of another; Guts looked up, panting in your direction and it was as if he could see you, as he made love with such intensity and ardor that you remembered your own feelings there.

«I said stop!»

You drew your sword, driven by an insatiable thirst for jealousy that pushed you to attack. Unexpectedly, the couple disappeared and you saw the blood run down your blade and on her torn dress when you hit her.

«...Lily??»

You were clearly shocked to see her there too and that brought back the memory of the good times, as well as the day she died near you.

«H-how did you...»

«I'm happy you still remember me, Y/n.» Her head cocked to the side, as she smiled in an unusual and decidedly dark way «But this is not what I remembered about you, what a pitiful state you are in...you're good at killing innocents after all.»

You looked down in the direction she was pointing and there, you dropped the sword to the ground at the sight of the blood flowing between your legs. The pain in your belly was mind-blowing and you tried to remove the armor but it was no use, your belly growing under it along with your suffering, until you fell to your knees.

«W-what—!»

Your voice choked there. A hand came up to your face, making you look up and this time, there was no more "Lily".

«It's too late for that, Y/n.» "Noelia" said in a weak voice as she bent down in front of you, still holding your chin in her palm «You rejected the love you had for Guts out of your own pride, what other woman would do that? I think you're not in the end, nor you deserve the life that's in here!»

Her fingers became long and sharp, so much so that you felt them cut into your skin. You stepped back to watch your friend twist and turn until her appearance became something monstrous; you looked for your sword, but there was nothing left around you, you were completely alone with that strange being, who was growling louder...the animal ran towards you on all fours and at great speed, jumping in your direction.

You tried to protect yourself, but the beast immobilized your limbs and with such violence, it bit your flesh, shaking you left and right as if you were a rag...the tongue licked your blood and your face, until something grabbed your throat and there, its paws became human hands.

«G-Guts—?!» But when you saw him on top of you, his grip tightened around your neck.

«...how you could run away from me!» He screamed in a hoarse tone, as he stared at you with his evil eye; you felt a pain in your lower abdomen and to your shock, he was penetrating you with such ferocity that your stomach hurt again «I won't let another man fuck you like this and if you don't want to be with me, I might as well kill you now.»

He squeezed your throat even tighter and your breathing became labored, until there was no more. Before everything went black, you saw the tall figure of a woman in the distance that you couldn't recognize and a voice repeating your name obsessively, inside that unknown and endless abyss.

Yet, you could still hear a voice in your ears, trying to bring you back to the surface.

• • •

When Grunbeld heard Sonia scream, the knight didn't hesitate to open the door. He had never seen her so agitated but then he saw you there, wide-eyed and convulsing on your bed.

«She was sleeping soundly when started talking and now this! He went too far this time...» The girl tried to justify that, but the knight guessed she was referring to Griffith, only him could do such a thing.

Your body trembled under the blankets, without stopping sweating. Grunbeld approached the bed and placed a hand over your cold forehead, though you weren't responding to any external stimuli, you were still awake, fighting whatever was plaguing your body and your soul...he didn't like seeing you in that state.

«She has high fever, do something to deal with it...she will recover soon.» He said in a deep tone, staring at your tormented expression for a long time that also Sonia noticed. He would wait outside, if she needed any help.

«I know that, but I feel like there's something I can't control. For the first time, it's like I want something not to happen...» The blonde was clearly different from usual, she couldn't ignore Griffith's words which constantly harassed her and now, she seemed scared about what to do; Grunbeld remained silent, he would never have opposed the White Falcon's will, however a voice whispered in his ear that he had to intervene, for your sake and that of the baby.

«Trust your power, Sonia. And in her too, that girl won't let go so easily.»

The girl said nothing else as the giant left the room with that unexpected sentence. She had never seen him like this, she already knew his obsession with moral and civil values ​​but this was different, he really cared about your conditions and for this reason, Sonia committed herself to lowering your fever as he desired.

Meanwhile, Grunbeld was marching steadily down the corridor when a hidden presence put him on alert.

«What are you doing here, Rakshas.» Seeing his "comrade in arms" in that place made him nervous, definitely he was plotting something or the news of your illness had reached the ears of the other Apostles, that he had come to verify in person...

Even though he almost hated you to death.

«Ooh nothing special, just noticed our new arrival hasn't shown up for a while, is she sick?» Rakshas waved around the giant in his black cloak, his face was hidden by a mask but it was easy to tell he was smirking «You've been missing lately too...do you like being in that brat's company now?»

«It's my duty as ordered by him and not something you should worry about.» Grunbeld was reluctant to chat with the other man and believed it would be over soon, but this wasn't his intention and Rakshas just kept up with his fun investigation.

«You think I'm buying that? Don't take me for a fool, I can feel it in your blood you're obsessed with her...even now, you're holding back from getting what you really want, aren't you Grunbeld??»

The red knight clenched his fists and the veins on his forehead tensed, he vowed to kill him instantly if it weren't for his rigid self-control. However, it was well known that Rakshas was the most lewd and violent of the Apostles, he liked to tease his prey and in this case, the iron spirit of the Great Flame Dragon.

«You're like me, don't deny it–»

«We have nothing in common at all.» Grunbeld thundered with his low voice, without stopping to look at the other with his menacing snake-like irises; he wouldn't let him get close to you, but Rakshas laughed carelessly, without fearing the giant man and keeping his little game with him.

«We all know our true natures, no matter how hard you try to still be a "man" of honor and the time will come when you'll leave out your deepest desires...I wonder how many times you've thought about taking her body all for yourself—»

In a second, the Greathammer was spinning behind his head. That blow would have been fatal if Rakshas hadn't dodged it, but he was gladly expecting such a reaction from the Giants' captain, now his anger at the mercy of his wicked words.

«If you value your life, don't show yourself in front of me again.» Grunbeld warned in a guard position and the killer just left, accompanied by a mischievous laugh; whatever his intention was, he had succeeded in provoking him, to the point of reacting with such violence and now the knight stood there, staring at his hard, sweaty hands.

He also hated himself for having such impure thoughts about you...

• • •

You were stuck in a dark and silent world. There was no one but you, but you could still hear the voices of all the people you had met and none of them seemed really happy. You had a score to settle with everyone, it seemed, and that's why they started tormenting you and calling you a murderer...Guts was among them too and when you finally saw him, you tried to reach him but to no avail, his figure disappeared before you could touch it.

He also was disappointed in you, like everyone else.

Alone, you knelt on the ground. You wanted to find a way out of that crazy dream, but there was nothing you could do other than sitting in that black space, waiting for someone to wake you up from outside.

«Maybe it's not and this is true after all...I'm not a good person.» You thought bitterly, crossing your legs towards the chest and in doing so, you realized something was missing in the middle.

«Wait, where did it go—»

The big belly was gone and with it, the creature you had let grow inside; you had spent months thinking about how to get rid of it and now that you were empty, you felt strangely guilty. Maybe over time, you had started to accept this presence without feeling alone like you once were.

«YoU aRe NoThInG bUt A mUrDeReR!»

You closed your ears so you wouldn't hear anything anymore, but when you casually turned around, you saw a strange light coming in your direction.

«D-don't come closer!» You said out loud, but that strange thing continued to move, until it took on human form and you started to back away with fists raised.

«If this is what you want, then—!»

But you stopped when met the face of a woman in front of you. You didn't know who she was, but you felt something at the sight of her long, reddish hair and her emerald eyes, never before you had met something so beautiful and for a moment, you wondered if she was an angel.

«You don't have to fear me, Y/n.» The unknown woman spoke as she raised her hand towards you, unaware of how she knew your name «The nightmares you are experiencing now, please don't believe any of all this...they are deceiving you.»

«How you know...who are you?» You whispered without stopping looking at her. Your eyes widened when you recognized the scent of cherry blossoms and there, the red woman smiled.

You didn't know how it could be possible and even if it was just a dream, you finally enjoyed the warmth that your mother gave you for the first time, one you had never heard before. Thanks to her presence, the darkness became light again, forgetting the nightmare you were going through.

A tear fell from your face. Something broke inside you when you heard her speak with that melodic voice, the same one she sang lullabies with, as you were in her belly...the same one with which she welcomed you into this world, before giving her own life.

«You shouldn't have done that.» You tried to look down but you couldn't avoid her with such harshness, not when you had wanted to meet her for so long «Because of me, you are dead. Why did you spare my life?»

The woman's face became sad at the sound of your words, obviously you hadn't grown up like a normal girl and she didn't know at all what you had been through all these years.

«I didn't want that man's body. But when you came into the world, I prayed that you would be stronger than me to face its cruelty and I'm happy I wasn't wrong...you have become a beautiful and strong woman Y/n, I'm so proud of you.»

Never in your life you believed that you would listen to this, maybe because was impossible such a meeting but now here you were, trembling in front of the picture of your missing mother and longing for another hug, aware that it could be the last at any moment.

«Don't go, not yet.» Now that you could talk and touch your mother, there was nothing else that mattered to you and you didn't stop holding her hand, almost begging for it «I don't want to forget about you again.»

«It won't happen. I will always be with you, here.» In that moment, her palm touched your chest and you felt a strong heartbeat there «Don't ignore the feelings for that person. You share a very important thing together and he will come back for you.»

You weren't particularly a believer in such things, but you were sure that she had been sent there to protect you and obviously, the reason was unclear to you...she knew your situation and before you could ask anything else, you saw her face suddenly breaking.

«My time is running out. You have to wake up Y/n, or you will end up losing yourself if you stay here any longer. No matter what, don't let him touch your baby.»

The floor beneath you started to shake, but you continued to stare at the woman and tried to reach her, but she became further and further away. Her smile was the last thing you saw before a light blinded you and everything was painted a clear white, before you were thrown into the real world again.

You started breathing fast, blinking your eyes and when you rubbed them, you felt your own tears.

«It wasn't a dream...» You could still smell her on you, as if she were at your side and when you placed your hands on your belly, you breathed a sigh of relief at feeling that it was still nice and swollen; it was broad daylight outside and judging by the rumbling in your stomach, you hadn't eaten in a while and when saw some fruit on the windowsill, you reached out to grab a red apple.

«I wonder how long I slept.»

Just then, the door opened. Sonia stayed with her mouth wide in amazement when she saw you awake and healthy.

«Thank God, you're finally awake! You don't know how much you made me worry Y/n!» She exclaimed loudly and with her hands clasped in front of her chest «Really, I don't know how this could happen-ah!»

With a rough snap, you grabbed the girl's collar and pulled her towards the bed with enough force to leave her speechless, along with your angry expression.

«Spare me the bullshit, Sonia. I know exactly who did this and covering it won't do you any good...why the hell he did this to me??»

The blonde was silent as she pleaded with her fingers for your grip to loosen. You weren't a fool and sooner or later, you would have discovered it on your own but apparently, your moves were always unpredictable.

«Please Y/n, listen to me...»

«Take me to him. Now.» You pushed her away and without changing your long robe, you motioned for her to take you to the place where Griffith was; whatever power he had used over you to make you have those terrible hallucinations, you had just gotten out thanks to your mother's spirit and now, you had to find out why.

«He must know, he can't take the piss out of me as he pleases.»