Jungkook’s P.O.V

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[AQUARIUM- THE SEASONS]

There were times in my life— like I’m sure billions of others have gone through—where I felt there was so much time.

In some cases, when I felt alone and was scraping at the very bottom of the barrel to feel something other then gut-wrenching pain, that time seemed to stretch. It expanded so far; I could remember every second like it were veins that detailed the back of my hand. The moments, the spare batches of time that cycled through season after season, they all compiled to form rocket-sized emotions that shot off whenever I felt attacked.

After they’re let go, they’d plunge into an ocean of tears when the engines fail. When my fight dies out, when I am locked in a dreary corner, when I’m suffocating with the whispers in my head, when I am constantly stuck re-living those events in my mind; I try to make sense of it all. Constantly picking at the old scab until it bled, just to find out why...

Why was I still here on earth if it were to struggle daily with the people surrounding me?

There were other times in my life—probably not like a billion others—where I pieced together my past like an aquarium. However, it was much smaller, with just four exhibits to visit, and only one question to answer.

What was my purpose?

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Strolling over to exhibit one, it’s springtime on a Saturday morning and the sun’s either peeking out or hiding behind thunder clouds so the rain could pour and green would grow. Most children around my age would despise the droplets that skid down the window, and cry when they couldn’t meet their friends to ride bikes and play hopscotch.

Ten-year-old me—or ten and a half I should say— didn’t feel much different, the rain didn’t excite me nor did it aggravate me—it was an anesthetic. The sound of water pelting the windows outside my bedroom let me know that the sun would come out soon and the flowers my eomma planted in the backyard would blossom. 

But what I didn’t know this spring, would be the fact I’d have to spend the rest of my life with new people. 

A boy, just a little older than me, with black curls and green eyes that stuck out so vividly back then, stared at me as he sat on the edge of my bed with a head tilt. I didn’t know much about him, apart from his name, Kim Taehyung; it was simply because I didn’t try or care enough to ask about him. Instead, I'd stare at the rain and listen to the water.

But the eleven-year-old boy would talk anyway. 

“Hey,” he’d blurt out while shaking my leg, “why are you always doing this... Are you okay?” 

I jerked my leg from his hold, a scowled printed on my face—he always interrupted me when I was doing my best to zone out. “Of course, I’m okay... Stop touching me. You're talking too much.” 

Taehyung would usually leave me by my lonesome after I acknowledged him and ignore me for the rest of the day. When he first arrived, right after my appa decided to replace my eomma with another woman, he would always stay to himself unless he was told to speak to me by his eomma—who is now my step-mother. Every time he spoke on his own accord, there was always some type of curiosity he had about me and bothered my soul to end.

The boy looked down at his lap and sighed. “You don’t speak a lot but you always listen... How do you do that all the time?” 

I shut my eyes after internalizing his question. “I said it a long-time ago... I don’t like not having noise—it makes me nervous because of my eomma.” This was probably about the third time in May that he recycled these same inquiries. 

The older boy shifted in my bed to face me with his legs crossed. “But it’s stupid... She’s gone, right? So... Why do you get so upset when I talk? Nothing is happening outside, so why are you listening--”

My anger increased the more he chattered, just droning on without any real reason. He wanted to know everything I hated speaking about, everything that killed my spirit he wanted to have the rights to. “You don’t get it!” I finally sat up from the mattress and shouted when it was enough. “You just don’t get it! W-water helps me... It’s not stupid! It just helps! I don’t want to listen to anything else... I just— I wanna hear it! I don’t wanna say why, I don’t-- need to!” 

It was true; he didn’t understand and I knew for a fact he wouldn’t even if I could tell him. The disgusted look on his face expelled more than what could be said with words. 
So, I kept it to myself; no one would ever know how much the sound meant to me except for my heart. The water, no matter where it came from, always reminded me of my eomma and her flowers. It brought me back to the springtime when I would go outside and water the plants with her, holding her hand while planting the seeds and laughing with dirt on our hands without a single care. Back then, the water pouring from the sky or hose was the only thing I admired about the daylight.

I could listen to it all day. 

Taehyung went silent after my outburst, leaving the room open for the sounds of loud, pounding footsteps to be heard in the distance until they crept closer to the door frame for her to appear. My mouth would go dry each time Taehyung’s eomma even glanced at me, my heart stopping and ears wanting to turn off. Taehyung’s back straightened at the sight of her; the long black hair, ice-cold eyes, and half-smoked cigarette were like a lasso that roped you into her words. 

“Young man!” Her presence was like a booming siren; there was no way to ignore it. Taehyung’s body moved the second she stepping into the room, sliding off the bed so he could land on the floor and shuffle his way out of the room, leaving because he knew. 

But he never cared. 

The older woman stepped further into the room; eyes filled with rage as she strolled over to me. A lump in my throat cut down on my breathing the closer she got. The thick, ashy smell of her smoke wafting in my face was nothing short of repulsing and it only grew when she stood just a foot away from me. Her hand raised, trembling a bit before she swatted down at my face to strike me on my left cheek.

“You...” Her voice was like poison, “... You know never to raise your voice at my son! How dare you?” I swallowed to keep from expelling a whimper, but it didn’t do me any favors once she swung her arm at me once more. Her palm slammed down on the left side of my face, the heat that stung from both cheeks was enough for my eyes to blur with tears, and my ears to muffle as she continued to rattle about my unneeded existence. 

Whenever she felt her ranting was enough, she would stand back and glare at me like scum on the earth. “Taehyung and I will be out in the garden to finish up the weeding before the rain picks up more... You will come out of this room and help him, regardless of you liking it or not.”

I was left there afterward, watching her walk away with so much power and pride as headed to my eomma’s garden. 

I was left there alone and broken like always. 

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Just as life kept reeling, no matter how hard I wanted it to pause, there was nothing I could do to keep away from the second exhibit of memories. Maybe about three or four years had passed here, staring at this exhibit one gives a mixture of feelings from the worst to best. It was summertime again here; my 14h birthday had passed and so did Taehyung’s 15th -- not that it had significance other than the fact my teenage years were just starting and I already wanted them to end. 

There was more schoolwork, responsibilities, and internal issues that seemed to stack up every month or so. It was unforgettably agonizing. I was forced into things I begged not to be a part of, Taehyung and I’s distance kept getting wider and wider as time went on. It was so much to the point where Taehyung didn’t acknowledge me as someone worth his attention. These days, he stayed in the garden— I had no clue what he did every day back there but of course, according to my stepmother, it wasn’t my business what he was doing in my eomma’s garden. 

It made me sick to my stomach, and the only thing I looked forward to was that one day. 

The day Taehyung and I were sent to summer camp. 

The same exact one at the same exact time. 

I had no complaints; I took anything I could to get away from that house. With my appa coming home late almost every day and my step-mother sitting inside the house terrorizing me to no end, just being at school felt like a privilege, a lovely excuse to have something to think about other than home and anything but home. 

It was July 7th, around 87 degrees and my first week at the camp weren’t too special, except for the thing most of the kids were waiting for which was our out first field trip to a skating rink that wasn’t far out and would give everyone time to have fun without any of the camp’s restrictions. We rode on buses that were separated by grade so there would be lesser issues with organization and your ride was either compacted with noise or dead quiet aside from the radio that played songs no one ever knew.

Entering the rink wasn’t difficult since we all followed our instructor's lead with wristbands and glow-in-the-dark accessories. The only thing I deemed to be challenging was that I didn’t know the first thing about skating. So while the other teens sped their way around the rink and on the bright carpet floors, I sat on the sidelines and watched over my stepbrother who just happened to be having the time of his life with a boy who was clearly much older than him. 

I found myself intrigued by the sight of Taehyung letting the taller, blond male place his hand on his thigh and lick his lips like a wide animal ready to feast. That was until a person decided to come to block my view by standing in front of me with an employee’s uniform. My eyes trailed up at the boy’s slender body, one a dancer would probably kill for, I looked the boy in face with a squint and he grinned. 

“Hey-a there, I’m Hobi!” The skinny brunette extended his arm and held out his hand so I could shake it. Not wanting to seem impolite, I shook it anyway and leaned to the side so I could look past him and continue with my wallowing. The moment I looked back at the place Taehyung once was I noticed he had now walked off and I was left to deal with this random guy and whatever else he wanted from introducing himself.

“You don’t seem like you want to be here,” Hobi stated, plopping down on the seat next to me without any permission. 

I didn't budge to look at him or react. “I do. It’s better than the place I came from.” 

The male nodded beside me. “I saw you were staring that couple over there...” Couple? “... My brother likes to flirt with anything he sees, it’s really hard not to cringe at it when I’m at work. I feel like I should say sorry you had to witness it.” 

My neck craned at his apology. “You have a brother too?” 

Hobi sighed. “Unfortunately, I do... Do you?” 

I blinked, not knowing how to respond so quickly in conversation, mostly because I’ve never had something in common with another person before. “Y-yeah... I—I have an older brother—m-my Hyung... He’s not related to me by blood, but--” 

“He’s still your family.” Hoseok cut me off and filled in the gaps. 

I nodded my head slowly. “Yes... He’s- we don’t act like brothers at all, it’s hard to say it sometimes. We’re at summer camp together and it’s really strange to see his ways outside the house... Almost like he’s a completely different person.” 

The brunette boy sat back and sucked at his teeth. “Well... Everybody has two sides to them, sometimes more... There’s usually a reason for it though; it can be fun to act like someone else when being yourself is hard.” 

I leaned back in my seat and focused on the lights ahead of me without saying a word as I internalized Hobi’s answer and sealed it in my brain for when I needed it again. “Why did you come by? I mean--”

“At first, I just noticed you looking glum when you walked in with the other campers, but then you sat down and started staring at my brother and that other boy which made me think you may have had a crush on him or something, but now I don’t think so.” Hobi’s interjection flared up the heat in my cheeks to the maximum degree, I shook my head while shooting up from my seat to stand up and look the boy in the eye.

“I don’t have an on crush a boy—why would I ever? I don’t even know your brother; I was only trying to look at Taehyung... I’m not weird like that.” Hobi just laughed heartily. 

“Calm down, liking someone has nothing to do with being a weird, gloomy boy... It’s all about what you feel when you look at someone, and it doesn’t matter if it’s a boy or not— it isn’t about finding the gender, it’s about finding the right person,” Hobi pleaded, his smile never fading until he stood along with me and held out his hand once more, “alright, I’m sorry for getting kind of worked up there, I don’t mean anything by it. I’m sure you have your reasons.”

I gulped, looking back at the skating floor with a frown. “I don’t... Hate boys.”

Hobi rolled his eyes to the left and clapped enthusiastically. “Wow... Baby steps, you’re getting there, gloomy boy.”

I hated his indirect way of speaking, but it always got a response out of me. “I have a name.” 

Hobi crossed his arms and raised his eyebrow, his voice pitching up. “Oh, well, are you gonna tell me at some point? I know you and your camp are going back in a few hours, but it’d be cool to say hi if I see you around town or something.”

“Jungkook... That’s it.” Was all I stated, dry and clear. 

The brunette giggled. “Great, Jungkook... Do you wanna get a slushie? I’m on my break right now.” 

I shrugged, after a long pause I cleared my throat. “I guess... I didn’t bring any money though.” 

Hoseok shook his head and started walking backward with two thumbs up. “My parents own this place, it’ll be fine, I'll just talk to them about it.” 

When he turned around and started walking off, I trailed behind him until he reached the line where the snacks and food were sold, plenty of people blocked the way to the front. “What’re you gonna say?” 

H Hobi did a spin, his hand reaches over to grab mine and squeeze. “That found a friend.” My heartbeat increased its pace as I looked down at Hobi and I’s joined fingers. I could feel the sweat beginning to form on my neck and palms as he held onto me with such ease.

There was so much to learn in those years; so much time to improve your character, to find out who is or who you want to be, and for some individuals, it came easy, others struggle with their indecisiveness and impulsivity. 

But this exhibit—even though it’s a bit embarrassing to look back at— taught me more than just how to skate, but most importantly, that there was a side of me I got to know. 

That Jungkook really didn’t hate boys after all. 

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Oh, was the summertime always a game-changer for me. 

Something was unexpected always knocked at my door just about every season afterward, summer camp was probably the most pleasant experience I’ve had since my appa re-married. When we travel to the third exhibit, it seemed like my sturdy lock that sealed the vault of emotions stored inside me had been broken; and in came the section of my life that will never be erased. 

Even if I wanted it to.

The fall time rolled over, a year had gone by and school starting up for the 10th time. Taehyung and I spent even less time together, with our age difference being defined more as the months went on. Taehyung was busier due to his privileges of being a 17-year-old; he had gotten his driver’s license and abused that power anytime he could. These teenage years were already grueling and viscous, and having added on stress like joining clubs, playing sports, doing chores that aren’t yours, and having no one—and I mean absolutely no one— to confide in about your conflicts, you tend to hideaway. 

I became so familiar with being solo that moments like my appa getting arrested for embezzlement from his job didn’t surprise me as much it should’ve. My step-brother and appa had been arguing for so long about money that it became a regular discussion. All those years when he would come home late and constantly check his phone had welded together and provided him with the consequence he deserved. 

But overall, the effect it had on the household was the one thing I couldn’t just overlook. 

My stepmother, being the only adult left in the house with the right to raise Taehyung and me, took charge of everything and made sure the household ran exactly the way she wished. This meant, Taehyung, her beloved son, was given a pass on every mistake he made; large scale or small, I had to sweep up the mess he kept leaving behind. 

When Taehyung needed to hang with his friends, he went out without asking. I would stay and clean all day so when he got back—even if it were three days later—everything would be spic and span for him and his mother. 

Horrifying, each day was. 

My stepmother's temper had always been bad with me, since I was just ten years old her lividness would be expressed toward me or my appa, and now that he’s gone for a few years, I was the only option left for her. The one outlet I had to escape was the cadet training offered in the school, just to spite my step-mother's claims that I wouldn’t grow up to be anything but a ‘worthless slug on the ground’. 

I figured, if I were to do everything she claimed I couldn’t, I would no longer have to endure the endless mistreatment that plagued my life. 

I barely slept at night when I thought of all the names she called me when realized I was nothing compared to her son when I noticed that her son knows these things, but never acknowledges it while he gets to go out in the garden to avoid everything that went on inside the house.

Instead, my head was filled with whispers, voices yapping in the back of my mind that clawed at my self-esteem to the point where I didn’t think I could hold it in for much longer. As I attended school, my grades were basic and my days were practically all the same. I didn’t speak unless asked to, and I never provoked anyone even if were for a fair reason. The risk of my step mothering hearing about was too great to play with. 

One day, just one calm and normal Monday in October, I was called down to the principal's office where my stepmother was waiting on the phone. When I entered the man’s office he gave me a faint smile, one that said ‘I hope you’re prepared for this, kid’ and hand me the phone where I listened to my step-mother’s stoic tone relay the message of something that hurt my brain just thinking of it. 

“Jungkook-ah, I hope you’re listening close... I don’t have anything good to say, but I will tell you now, rather than wait--” her breathing hitched for the first time, “-- your appa... He’s-- he’s gone. He... Someone killed him this morning while he--”

That was all I remembered her saying before everything was blurred and tuned out. The phone had fell from my hand and I couldn’t even stand up straight, my eyes were sheeted in tears, my lungs were heavy sandbags. Although I didn’t hear most of her explanation, I knew when I shed that tear in the office, I wasn’t just crying for my appa. 

I was crying for myself. 

I was crying because my parents left me behind in this world without anything to live for. 

I was crying because I had no one. 

I stepped back from the principal’s desk, wiping at my eyes and sniffling so I could speak. “Can I... Can I head to the bathroom, please?” Thankfully, the principal gave me head a nod and handed me the box of tissues that sat on his desk for students that were just like me. 

The only thing I had on my mind at that moment was to hide. 

Hide, hide, hide.

I made it to the bathroom around the corner not long after exiting the office, the second I sprinted inside I sat down on the marble floor with my knees up to my forehead. I racked my hands through my hair and rubbed at my temples. My guts were crackling and the voices in my head were running around and getting louder, trampling over my brain where I couldn’t think of anything else. 

You’re alone. 

You’re no one.

You’re never going to have a real family again.

There’s no one left to love you, Jungkook. 

“No... No... I’m... No.” I would mumble to myself, but nothing caught on.

But there was something else my ear tapped into. The sound of mixed laughter echoed from the outside of the bathroom walls, I only needed to hear it once to recognize the voice of Kim Taehyung himself sticking out like a sore thumb afterward. “Oh- shit... I think there’s a fucking wimp crying in there—what do you think happened? Fuck, I think they heard us, wait...” Taehyung and other’s voices gradually got louder as they closed in. My head lifted from my knees to make eye contact with my brother and three other guys who stared down at me. 

For a second, for one second, I had hoped a miracle would happen. 

Taehyung’s eyes shot wide after looking at me, the others had blank, stone-like faces. One of the boys elbowed Taehyung in the side.  

“You know this guy, KT?” I took a deep breath, listening closely to my brother's response. 

“No, I... He’s probably just a fag or something.” The other boys began to crack a smile, a few chuckles being let out as Taehyung turned to exit the bathroom with his hands stuffed in his pockets, his face without even an ounce of regret.

And just like that, I wished I didn’t. 

All the boys left the bathroom eventually to catch up with Taehyung, and I couldn’t help but think of all the ways I could’ve retaliated. How I could’ve gotten up and shouted until my throat was raw, punched till my knuckles bled, kicked until my feet were broken, but it wouldn’t change a thing in my life. It wouldn’t drag me down further where I was sure I wouldn’t have the motivation to get up again. 

So I did nothing, I said nothing, and went home that day as I did on every other Monday in October. 

I went home feeling like nothing.

My feet drug on the carpet as I entered the house; my stepmother didn’t ask any questions about my attitude since it was normal for me not to have anything to say about my school day. My eyes were so close to closing the moment flopped on my bed, and listened to the movements of Taehyung’s mother in the kitchen running water in the sink. 

I screwed my eyes shut and did my best to fall asleep and wake up with everything where it should be, but my head wouldn’t wipe out the events. It stayed on repeat, the same scene getting in the way of my peace of mind. I didn’t notice at first, but a few hours had gone by and I was wide awake as I heard someone walking to my bedroom. 

Taehyung stopped by my room, fully dressed with his eomma’s car keys in hand. “I’m going out to the store for eomma, you want anything? You missed dinner.” 

I didn’t speak. 

I didn’t nod. 

I got up from my bed, my eyes were still heavy and so were my legs. My stomach churned as I looked my brother in the eyes and managed to pull off a smirk, a breathless chuckle escaped me. I gripped my doorknob and pushed it forward a little before whispering so I wouldn’t erupt any unneeded conflict. 

“Burn in Hell.” I closed the door shortly after, not awaiting Taehyung’s response. 

I walked back over to my bed and threw myself down on the mattress for my second attempt at getting sleep. Conveniently, it worked. I slept for hours without any interruption. There wasn’t a buzz from my phone, a yell from my stepmother, but there was one exception I heard. 

One person that would always be the root of my irritation. All the way down the hall straight to the front door. I peeked out of my window, seeing how dark it was compared to when he left earlier, I then patted my bed and felt around for my phone. When I checked the time, I noticed the six messages I got from Taehyung, telling me to let him know his eomma was awake so he could sneak in. 

I groaned, pulling myself up from my bed and sluggishly walk out my room to the door so I could yet again, clean up another mess Taehyung was beginning to leave. I flicked on the dining room light so I could see my way to the front door, when I reached toward the knob, I listened for any commotion on the other side.

Luckily, there wasn’t alarming so twisted the knob to open the door and reveal my older brother barely standing with a grocery bag hanging from his fingers. He leaned against the door frame with a dull, foggy look in his eyes. It didn’t take an idiot to realize the state he was in. 

“Are you kidding me?” I complained to the older boy as I reached out to snatch the grocery bag from his hand. “You go and get drunk when you’re supposed to be out buying groceries?” 

Taehyung shrugged. “I just... I wanted—to do something bef... Before—before I came.” He pushed himself off the door frame and took a step forward into the house, pushing past me so he could finally have a seat on the couch and rest his in the cushions. However, that didn’t last very long when he hurried to sit up, rushing to double over so he vomits onto the floor. 

“Taehyung!” The moment I shouted from the side of my eye I noticed the hallway was flicked on that was where my night truly ended.

I froze in place once I heard her. 

There wasn’t much else I could I do. 

The lights to the living room were turned on and I was rendered motionless as I watched Taehyung finish throwing up on the floor. 

“You- fucking- brat! I’m sick of you--” her words, laced with hate, were meant for me until she entered looked over to the bigger scene that was playing. She paused mid-sentence so she could skip her way over to the couch where her son needed assistance, and still, attending to him wasn’t enough. 

“What happened? I need you to speak up for once in your life! Tell me, what the hell happened to my son.” There was so much... So many emotions inside me that were lighting little fires in my mind and burned through my restraint day by day, they charred up my patience and left me with only embers. 

Those embers were burning bright. 

“He’s drunk!” I yelled, there wasn’t much to remember about this scene other than words I said that I would never take back even if I were paid a ten billion won. “He’s drunk because he doesn’t care about this family or himself! He’s-- he’s your son and this is who is... He’s a fucking—he's a fucking two-faced asshole!”

Did I think twice about what I said? Not at all. 

Did it benefit me in the end? Not at all. 

Did apologize for what I said that night? Not at fucking all. 

His mother removed herself from the couch, her eyes zeroed in on my face and I stood in place without a flinch as she slapped me across the face, the stinging I felt afterward was nothing short of normal. 

The difference only showed at the searing feel of a fresh cut appearing just shy of my eyebrow. 

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Here we are, the last exhibit. The fourth and final act of my so-called family. I never thought I would be able to lose anyone else but wasn’t something I could control. In December, one of the coldest months of the year, Christmas time rolled around and there was something new in the air. We had been planning a vacation to go on until years day and I wanted nothing to do with it. My step-mother and Taehyung had seemed to grow even closer after the incident since he wasn’t allowed to leave the house unless it was for school, family emergencies, or to sit in the garden like he did every other day. 

He even spoke about becoming a Gardner at the dinner table once; that was the only time I saw my stepmother grin. 

As for me, I wasn’t hoping for anything this holiday. I stopped thinking about gifts once my eomma passed. A gift, at least back then, would’ve been to live through but my life; but sure enough, on Christmas eve, we had been given a present that would’ve been memorable for ages-- well, at least for me. My appa’s sister—my gomo—had been stopping by the house ever since the funeral, she didn’t do much to offer us homemade food and conversation that wasn’t hard to sit through. When the winter started to settle in and December came around, she stayed over more often and for longer periods. I’d find myself speaking to her in the middle of the night when I needed something to listen to while I fell asleep.

Of course, Taehyung’s mother didn’t appreciate it. 

The second my gomo waltzed into our home she came with open arms, she wanted to decorate the house for the holiday even though we're supposed to be leaving tonight. Nevertheless, Taehyung and I spent our entire Christmas eve evening ‘getting into the spirit’, hanging stockings on our doors and silver ornaments along with tinsel to ‘spruce things up for our tree. It was tiring while working with my brother, especially when he was moody because he wasn’t allowed to leave and go get drunk with a bunch of randoms from school. Just being next to him made my skin itch at how truly rotten was on the inside; he could barely make eye contact with me after the incident, and whenever I was involved in any situation, he couldn’t stand it and usually abandoned me to fuck off with whoever did something better.

Christmas week was no exception for matter, and this was the first year he was forced into something. 

Served him right. 

I remembered the way she would always begin a conversation with a question. They weren’t always the best, but they certainly caught my attention within milliseconds. 

“So... You’re sixteen now and heading off into your final year of high school... You’re practically ready to rule the world...” She’d poke fun at me many times, not once did it reach me. We were now standing back and viewing the festive-looking tree with all of our hard work being display. She nudged me in the side and her red-lipped smile would shimmer in the tree’s light's fresh glow, “ah, well, I’m only joking... I know it can be—especially at your age, everything is like a maze at this point. So many decisions to make in what seemed like forever when you were just twelve, but now... Well now, you’re always wondering if you have more time to fix things up or get started on who you are in the world... It’s funny, isn’t it?”

I shrugged and shook my head. “I didn’t think so... It’s-- scary. All the time, things are.”

She hummed and crossed her arms with a sincerity rasping throughout her low voice. “Your real parents aren’t here to guide you anymore, that’s true... I understand you might feel alone right now, you’re angry, you’re sad-- you’re angry and sad... It’s a lot. You have the right to feel however you want, but there are times where that feeling has to leave you, and when it finally does, you grow.” She conversed about emotions as if they were wild animals in cages, waiting to be let out and counting the days until they were free. 

I folded my arms and looked up at the ceiling, digging for anything to give her. Just a slither of what my days felt like. “I don’t know— I don’t know how I feel most of the time... It’s like—it's like a fireball ball inside a burning house with gasoline being doused on it every single day... It’s-- It’s like being tortured and held hostage, but only you’re the abductor. It’s... It’s--” Her warm hand landed on my shoulder; I jerked my head to the side when she squeezed my blade with a shake. 

His dark eyes shined with tears as she nodded her head. “I know... You don’t have to say anything... I know... I see.” Her hand lifted up to hover my forehead, my eyebrows twitched once she was close enough to gaze her finger over my healing scar.

I stared at her a while, my mental gears grinding to comprehend her sentence and actions. I directed my sight back to the tree when I heard the hallway thrum with footsteps. 

“Jungkook-ah... Eomma said for you to get packed now that the tree is done. We’re heading out soon.” I nodded simply and my gomo backed out of my way and toward the couch with curved lips, her smile was strong although I knew her honest feelings through and through. Each time I had to sit through the scene of watching my gomo exit the house with a shitty send-off, things always ended up sour afterward. 

“Oh, well, I’ll just get going so you can head out... Thank you for having me. Merry Christmas.” She curtsied with a chuckle and then retrieved her belongings from the couch cushions. I made sure to wave her out as she walked from our house and closed the door once she pulled off.

I breathed after she was gone, in and out, I chanted my task a few times in my head so I wouldn’t steer away from it. Taehyung was in his room now, already packed and his eomma was stewing in her room since my gomo came by, so I wasn’t worried about her preparations. I got my clothing and hygienic items into my duffle quickly; I didn’t wear anything special so it wasn’t a hassle. 

Just as I grabbed my phone from the pillow on my bed, my room door had been pushed open. 

“We’re getting loading up the car. It’s time to go.” Taehyung’s voice reminded me. 

“Yeah, I’m coming,” I stated, stuffing my phone in my pocket, noting even checking if it were charged. 

I followed Taehyung out of the front door and to our car, the air was practically frozen but the car’s natural warmth was calming. I brought my bag into the back seat while Taehyung did the opposite and sat beside me with only his phone and a stone-cold look that wouldn’t smudge. We waited for his eomma’s appearance which happened almost twenty minutes later. She came out of the house with two suitcases that were obviously overpacked with outfits that would last longer than a week. 

After she loaded up the trunk and entered the car, I felt my stomach churn with the ideas of vacation. I hadn’t been to another place that wasn’t located inside Korea; the possibilities of enjoying the place we were headed were slim to none. The air inside the car seemed to chill and the original skepticism multiplied when we entered a place where there wasn’t a gas station for miles. Taehyung’s eomma cruised her way through as if she were visiting an old city. 

I began snapping my fingers occasionally when the sound of the heat had stopped circulating. 

As I already knew, the silence was too great. 

It was just strong and my heart sunk further when my brain took note of the car’s slowing.

The wheels beneath us were barely rolling when I started to gaze out of my window for a sign that read where we were. I could make out anything in the distance for sure, the sun was setting and there wasn’t much light to make out any buildings that were off to ahead. I pressed my head back against the leather seat, my neck began to coat itself in sweat as I waited for the engine to rumble the car. 

The only gift I ever asked for was this moment being a delusion. 

I hadn’t asked for much, but this one time... It was all I could do. 

“Taehyung...” The older boy next to me lifted his drooped head at his eomma’s call, “Could you step outside for a moment and check the lights and tires in the back? It’s getting late and we don’t need any run-ins with the police —can't drive like that...” Taehyung opened the door and hopped out without question. I sat in my seat with sealed lips as I watched the older woman look up through the rear-view mirror, her fingers then pulled something from the inside of her coat; a pack of nasty cigarettes, “... Put your bag in the trunk—it's not like you won’t see it again.”

I clenched on the handles of my bag, my eyebrows furrowing and twisted around in my seat to get a glimpse at Taehyung who was bent down and looking at the lights for a few more seconds. When I sat back, I noticed the pungent smell of smoke filtering into my nostrils unapologetically. 

She blew out a toxic cloud after taking a drag. “I didn’t ask you, slug.” 

I held back a cough when I placed my hand on the car door’s handle, pulling it open so I wiggle my foot out into the winter night. I closed the door and walked around to the back of the car, Taehyung stood up and from being crouched and glared at me. 

“What’re you doing?” I kept my eyes trained onto the rearview mirror, not wanting to cower from the woman's gaze, the longer we stood there, the more I understood what was happening. 

I blinked, watching the woman take another drag of her cigarette. Her hand fell out of the car window and she dashed the dead ashes onto the street, I took a step back when I gazed at the rearview mirror where she smiled at me so devilishly. 

The only time she smiled directly at me. 

I gripped my bag tighter and inhaled before backing more while shaking my head. Taehyung began to walk back toward the vehicle, ignoring me completely until he was stuck in place at the sound of the car doors locking and the tires engineer roaring the car to life. Taehyung’s body didn’t make any sudden moves, his mouth didn't flap open either. 

I gritted my teeth as I witnessed what might’ve been the worst situation and the best at once.

The car didn’t sit still for long. 

The tires and lights, like new and working like a charm, sped away from the two of us on a dark empty road where broken hearts and furnace fueling tears were steaking onto the pavement. 

Taehyung kept standing still as he was in waiting now. 

I wondered what it was. 

But I never got to know when all I did was see. 

I saw everything. 

Taehyung’s neck craned to the side; with our respected distance, I didn’t know what I looking at at the time. But I saw t when he marched toward me, even with the winter wind brutally blowing at him; his heated aura traveled for miles after. I saw when his dampened cheeks that shined in the orange sent faced me just a few feet away, and his eyes were a firey green that illuminated with vast animosity. I saw when he raised his hand struck me across the face like his eomma would any day I riled her unrested temper. 

I saw it all. 

I saw when Kim Taehyung, my step-brother, my so-called family shout as I had never heard before. 

His lungs burned, and I would never understand why. “You!” He pointed a finger at me and stepped forward again. “I fucking hate you! I fucking really hate you! You ruin everything! You know! You- you're always so fucking broken and childish, like a fucking disgrace wandering on the earth! You’re the one who—why the fuck do you even exist?! Spending every day being a fucking crybaby just to drive my eomma away from me, and what?! What do you get out of this? What do you leave me with?” 

I saw when his soul was crushed in front of me. It was something I wouldn’t be able to explain with just plain words. Confusion stirred in my brain the longer I look him in the eyes, and sooner than later he didn’t stand before me and only walked past me. My own sight blurred with tears, my breathing pace frenzying. 

On Christmas Eve, when the lights are the most luminous and families gather around to give the best gift to one another, to warm each other's hearts, to lift spirits.

There is always one home that was dark, one family that was disappearing, one gift box that was empty, and two hearts that are left out in the cruel coldness of winter. 

They freeze until they’re solid and only beat when they’re picked up stolen by someone. 

Whoever that lovely person might be. 

Afterward, when all the seasons of love pass, it will thaw out. 

Possibly, hopefully, forever.

▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎

In the end, when the exhibits are closed off, and I’m not dwelling in past events, I looked forward to exiting and finally escaping to my home. I wished to forget it all for a day and relax in my room and listen to the rain. When I do, it never settles, because there will always be something approaching, always be someone knocking at the door ready to start trouble within my brain. 

They and bang, they yell, they even curse at me to keep traveling to the aquarium. 

Then I do. 

I keep trying. 

I relive the seasons that molded me so I will forever know who I am and see the same person each time.

Someone who’s been punished, but I was never guilty. 

▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎

A/N: SOOO... HOW WAS IT?!

This is a long half chapter, but it’s worth the read! There will only be one or two more half-chapters!

Q: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT JUNGKOOK’S SPRING, SUMMER, FALL, AND WINTER?

Q: DID YOU UNDERSTAND THE SYMBOLISM AND METAPHORS, ANY OF THEM YOU CATCHED?

Q: IDEA’S ON JUNGKOOK’S PRESENT LIFE?

Well, as you guys know...
You’ll just have to wait and see for the next chapter!

Love you guys!

XxxS

EDITED BY @RavenMalRooney004