_______****______

"Are we falling like snow on the beach?
Weird but fucking beautiful.
Flying in a dream, stars by the pocketful.
You wanting me, tonight feels impossible".

______****_____

"Let's do something," you say and snuggle into him more. It's been a few minutes since that heated sex. You're now sitting inside the car with its heater on keeping the insides warm. Jungkook is wearing his pants and you're wearing his white shirt. Your panties and jeans are damp. Meanwhile your shirt is somewhere in the car which you couldn't find out.

Jungkook's sitting with his back facing the door and legs sprawled out on the seat. You are settled between his legs facing the other door in front. His torso is bare while you are covering your whole body with your long coat which is draped in front of your body.

"What do you wanna do?" Jungkook asks  and kisses your head.

"Umm Talk...?" you suggest.

"What do you wanna talk about?" he questions again.

"Uh...," you think before answering, " You".

"Me? What do you need to know about me, doll?" he caresses your hair.

"Everything. You might know everything about me but I technically know nothing about you," you say and look up at him.

"Hm. There's nothing interesting about me," he chuckles.

"That's my part to decide. Tell me your story. About your family, your childhood and everything," you insist.

"My family?" he scoffs. "Well, my family consisted of me, my mom and my asshole dad".

"Why'd you say that?" you ask him, eyebrows furrowed.

"Cause he was an asshole. He cheated on my mom and then killed her when she got to know about his deeds," he explains and you look back up at him. "My mom was the only daughter of the mafia lord of Japan. Her marriage was arranged with my father 'cause by grandfather wanted to expand his business. Mom was 15 years younger than dad. She got married to him at the age of 20 only. My mother was a beautiful lady, you know".

"Yeah. I've seen that painting of hers with you," you whisper.

"So, my dad fell in love with her after the marriage. Same went with my mom. They had me after 3 years of their marriage. I don't remember much of my childhood but my dad was an angry man. He liked everything under his control, just the way he wants it to be and a small mistake by anyone leads to one thing only- death," he continues.

"When he got to know that they had a son, he started dreaming of me being the next mafia leader. He trained me like that. I've been seeing blood and violence since I can remember. I was probably five years old when I witnessed a murder," his voice getting heavy and your heart settles down in your stomach. This feels sick.

"He knew I feared reptiles like lizards. I had herpetophobia. He knew it. So he tried his best to creep that fear out of me," he says soothingly while you feel your eyes watering for some reason. "You know baby, when I actually killed for first time? I was 7. He gave me a small box on my birthday. I opened it thinking it was a present," he chuckles.

"But when I opened the box, I saw a lizard inside. He told me it was not conscious but I was so scared, trust me," he laughed but you feel your tears slip from your eyes.

"Then while I was crying out of fear, he told me to pick it up. I was reluctant of course but due to the fear of getting hit by him, I pick it up. Can you believe I pissed by pants?" he chuckles again and continues, "Then he told me rip its legs off. I did it. I ripped each of its leg off while it whithered in my hold. He told me to snap its head. I had to do it too and then it stops wriggling. It went still in my hand. I got so sick after that incident. Vomiting, flu and then typhoid".

"Dad told me that day that I'm not born to fear. I'm born to be feared of. I shouldn't be fragile. I shall destroy everything that tries to make me weak. He wanted me to be a man with brain, not heart. He would beat me if I did something wrong. So I would just go by his rules, " he states.

You sniffle as tears roll down your eyes.
" Wait. Why are you crying? " he asks you and makes you look back at him. He turns you around fully and hugs you again. You wrap your arms around him too, your cheek pressed on his bare shoulder.

" I'm sorry," you sniffle.

"why are you sorry?" he chuckles.

"I don't know. You... Were just a kid," you say.

"I was. But I guess whatever he did made me strong," he says, caressing your head.

"you know what? You are a man of brain certainly but you are a person with bigger heart too," you kiss his shoulder and lay your cheek on it again.

He snickers, "Thank you so much baby".

"Your mom?" you ask him, trying to divert the tense atmosphere. You know he adores his mom.

"I miss her. She was the most wonderful woman I've ever known. She loved me. She would fight for me. She even got beaten up because of me a few times. She was more like a best friend to me. I could talk to her about anything," he smiles but it soon disappears," My father used to take advantage of her love for him. He would mess up every time but my mom always forgave him because she loved him. However, there was one thing she could never tolerate- cheating or betrayal and that's exactly what my father did. Then he killed her right in front of my eyes".

"What happened to your dad then?" you ask him but he doesn't answer right away making you lean back to look at his face.

"I killed him. I shot 6 bullets right into his heart," he answers and for a second a chill run down your spine. You stare right into his eyes which grows dark after remembering that sickening memory. Jungkook's gaze suddenly softens as your eyes look into his. Are you scared? Disgusted by him? Thinking of him as a bad person? Is he a bad person?

Jungkook let's out a shaky breath as sudden rush of questions fills his brain. He breaks the eye contact and looks towards the front mirror. He feels you grab the sides of his face to force him to look at you again.

"You're not a bad person, love. Whatever you are today... I'm proud of you. You didn't deserve what happened to you but life is unfair. It's the truth. I can't do anything to make you feel better about your past but I can promise about the future," you state out.

"This might be too early for all this but I'm sure about this. I've been with you for 3 months and I've actually known you for 30 minutes but I've never been sure about anything more than this. I love you, Jungkook. I always will. I love every side of you that you've shown me. I love every moment I've spent with you. I love every feeling you give me. I love the way you love me and I promise this'll never change. I'll always love you, be by your side and have everything with you," you tell him.

There is a silence suddenly. Not an awkward one but a comforting one. You're just staring into each other's eyes and the world around seems to fade.

" You're the best thing that has happened to me, " Jungkook whispers before gently kissing you.

This kiss was full of love and care. It felt like two souls are connecting. Jungkook has never felt like this before. He got so raw in front of someone for the first time. He never believed in soul mates until now. He never knew what his purpose was in life but now he thinks maybe it was to meet you, love you and be with you.

After a few seconds, you both pull away from the kiss. You smile at him and he returns that before kissing your forehead.

"Can I ask you something else?" you ask him and he nods.

"OK so, who was your first love? Love as in crush," you ask him.

He smiles big and hugs you closer. You rest your cheek again on his shoulder.

"I was 14 when I first experienced this crush thing," he answers.

"Oh," you say, kinda disappointed because you thought that he might go like 'no baby. I've never been in love until I saw you in that bar' or something.

"Mmhm. I was kinda cut off from outside world. I was nearing my adulthood. My dad wanted to train me properly so he made some sick ass rules for me. Like curfew after 6 in the evening," he starts and you hum listening to him.

"But one day there was annual fair in the town. I was dying to attend that fair but due to my curfew I couldn't. Unless I wanted to break the curfew. I was scared to go against my father but he was the one to teach me to overcome my fears. So, that's what I did, " he continues.

" You broke your curfew? "you ask him.

" Yes. I jumped from the window and went to the fair. There I saw a beautiful girl, a little younger than me, selling few things with a group of people. She was pretty, innocent and basically an angel. I instantly got attracted to her. I got to know where she lived. So, I used to go there almost everyday to see her. It became an everyday ritual, " he giggles.

" Did you confess to her? " you ask him.

" No. Not at that time. I was reluctant to tell her my feelings. I thought that I might scare her and I also was kinda afraid of my father, " he explains.

" So what happened?" you again ask.

" Then I had to leave to America for my higher studies. I was homesick, I missed her too but eventually got busy in my life. However, when I returned to Korea I saw her again and that small running out desire awakened again. I was mature then. Mature enough to figure out my feelings. I had thought to just tell her that I like her and see what happens, " he scoffs.

" So, one day I went there to see her again. She was in her room, I could see her. I decided to go talk to her. But before I could reach her, a boy showed up. Both of them started talking and laughing. I felt... Kinda bad. So I left, "he continues. Your eyes are wide open as you listen to his story.

"When I went to my home, I thought about it. I thought maybe that guy was just a friend. What if I was just over thinking? After a lot of thought process, I decided to once again go see her. I went there with a stern mind but my poor heart got broken when I saw her kissing the same guy, "he sighs, dramatically.

" Oh shit..., "you whisper.

" Yeah exactly. I let go of it. Besides, I was 20 and it was my age to take after my father. My mom was so excited for me to become the next leader but before that could happen... That incident happened. She couldn't see me becoming a leader," he scratches his eyebrow.

" So... Did you see that girl again? Ever? "you curiously ask.

" Yeah. That's the turning point. I saw her in a strip club. I didn't recognize her at first to be honest but for some sick reason she was trying to seduce me," he scoffs and you smile but you are starting to feel a little jealous now. You just hope the next thing he says is 'I met her but I lost my feelings for her. So we went on our ways'.

Suddenly a bell in your mind rings.

What if she's that girl he used to sleep around with? What was her name? Elena...?

Damn, it's just increasing your jealousy. You clear you throat and shift in your place.

"She wanted to inject me with something. When I caught her, she fought me like a lioness and for the first time I felt helpless but happy and impressed," he continues and you squint your eyes.

"Wai-," you speak but he keeps a finger on your lips.

"She was taken by a few men. My purpose was to get to know about those men but I ended up saving her instead because I got to know that she had a child. Above of all, she reminded me of my mother at that moment. She was  fierce, determined, brave but kind of helpless at that time," he rants.

" Jungkook, listen-, " you start again and feel your eyes tearing up again. Is it... You? All along? But how is it possible?

" I saved her not knowing anything about her until... Until I saw a heart shaped birthmark on her shoulder. I asked Seokjin hyung to take out her information and then I got to know she was her...," he states and you clutch your mouth with both of your hands, eyes full of shock and body covered with goosebumps.

" I got to know that she was my Y/N. I got to know it's you," he ends and you look at him.

" Was it... Is it true? Am I really her? " you ask him.

"Yes my love. I've been looking for you for years. Look at you now. In my arms," he grins.

"But I don't remember seeing you. Did we meet?" you question again, still in aftershock.

"Yes. The first time I saw you in that fair, we talked. You gave me a baby pink hat for free because I didn't have money," he responds.

"Wait wait wait. The guy who wanted a hat for his mother?" you recall and he laughs before nodding.

"You remember?" he asks.

"Not really. I remember that look in those eyes though. You were desperate. I usually used to sell things for free to see them smile. I felt good".

"So I was one of many".

"Yeah....wait. The guy you saw me with... Was it Young Chul?"

"Apparently he was. I didn't know him at that time but it has to be him".

You softly chuckle, "Yeah it was him. He met me at the time when I was completely broken and on the verge of just killing myself. He was like a hope to me. I'm still glad he brought me out of that dark den".

"Is it because of that owner?" he sets your hair.

"Yes. I was 16 when I met Young Chul, I remember because it was just after the day when he...," you trail off, trying not to remember that merciless night. But suddenly the fash blacks starts echoing in your mind.

That voice of that tormentor. The belt leashes. His grip on your neck, suffocating you. His hands all over...

You exhale and your hands start trembling slightly. Shaking your head, you try to get it out of your mind but your breathing just got more shallow.

" Y/N?" Jungkook looks at your changing demeanour. He clasps your hands between his just to find out they have gone cold while your whole body is sweating hard. It doesn't take him more than a few seconds to figure ouf that it's a panic attack.

"Shh babe. It's okay. I'm here. You're okay," he hugs you lightly and caress your back.

You feel your blood roaring in your ears. That night still haunts you, appearing in your nightmares and just thinking about it for a second gives you a panic attack. It's been quite long since you got one, making you believe that they're a lost cause now but apparently, they are not.

You start crying hard, whimpering and hicupping loudly. Jungkook says some profenities, on which you try your hardest to focus. You remind yourself to get out of this. You'll be OK. Breathe breathe breathe breathe...

As your breathing slows down and becomes steady slowly, you start to come to your senses. Jungkook is still whispering 'it's ok' on and on in your ears, soothing your soul. You gulp and rest your head on his shoulder.

"Are you OK now?" he asks, still caressing your hair and you nod. You gulp again in need of water.

"should we head inside?" his voice soft.

"Yes," you murmur and wrap your body around his torso.

He carefully opens the car's door to carry you inside the mansion through the back door.

______________________________________
This chapter was supposed to be bigger than this but I'll include it in next one.

~Aster 🌸