↻ AUTHOR ࿐྄ྀ ravenclaw_witch_9
↻ REVIEWER ࿐྄ྀྀ Kim_eats

First Light :: 11/20

» Title :: 3/5

The title is relevant to the story. It tells a reader what they can expect from the book while also not revealing everything. Though I feel like it's not a very uncommon title, not the most ingenious either. It will attract the attention of those who like to read these types of stories but I'm not sure it will attract new readers who wish to explore this genre.

» Cover :: 7/10

The cover is really pretty. After reading I can say that it matches with the story perfectly with the purple smoke and the crown and everything. But I think the blending could be done better. It currently looks like you cut Emma's face and pasted it where it was empty. On a closer inspection I can see colours from her dress, but while browsing it looks weird. If you could fix that, it'd be great.

» Blurb :: 1/5

The way you went about with the structure and length with the dialogue in the beginning is the perfect way by wattpad standard to write a blurb. However, the reasons for less ratings are numerous. The first and biggest one is the grammar but I would rather cover it in the grammar section in detail. To be honest, the grammar and the sentence structure makes the blurb quite uninteresting. Then you started two paragraphs with ‘but’ and the repetitiveness puts a damper on the effect the blurb could have produced. The last line is unnecessary and I would suggest not to use it in the blurb. Rather end it with a question or something that hints what might happen in future. Overall, the blurb needs to be re-written to attract readers.

Dawn :: 3 /10

The start with the description, cast and playlist was nice. Giving an overview in fantasy books before getting to the actual story is nice to familiarise the readers with the terms and overall theme. But then the first chapter rolls in and I'm left deflated.

Along with the lack of description (which I will cover in writing style), everything in the first two chapters is just repeating the same thing again and again. I mean, I understand why it's happening, the king just died and the rightful heir is refusing to ascend the throne but instead of showing this whole ordeal, the chapters are only filled with dialogues trying to convince Estelle.

Repeating the same thing again and again is going to make the readers feel bored and leave immediately and I felt the same way because you first mentioned it in the description chapter and again in the first two chapters. Even if your book requires it, you must be able to come up with different and creative ways to put the same thing forth without boring your audience. So, I definitely suggest you revise these chapters and correct the flow and make it more engaging and thrilling.

I also suggest that if you are writing everything in the description chapter then refrain mentioning it again in the following chapter, or rather tell about the magic stuff and hierarchy in the description chapter instead dumping it in the beginning chapters. It will clear a lot of things for the readers and excite them for what is to come next. Just avoid repetition.

Plot and Idea :: 12/20

I really love fantasy books and I believe you can't go wrong with a fantasy plot. The idea of a chosen one is not a new one, in fact it is almost always the central theme of a lot of fantasy books. Your book is no different but I can see the efforts you put in while planning the book which is admirable. Fantasy is not a genre for everyone to write. I won’t say much about the plot because it's an ongoing book but from what I read, it has great potential. 

Speaking of potential though, it will only prove itself when the execution is good but currently you need to work on a lot of things with your writing to make this plot shine.

Characters and Emotions :: 4/15

The characters all seem to have a purpose in the story with a separate storyline for them which is really great. However, the problem lies in the execution. Though they have purpose, it's not clear through the story nor their personalities are clear or relatable. I couldn't understand the characters nor feel empathy for them in any way. Because of it, I can't even tell who is the main character though the cover is enough for that.

Coming to emotions, there are absolutely none. There is not enough monologue from any of the characters to give a hint of emotions. The characters only seem to go through motions without feeling anything. I would suggest including words and more description about body movements that express feelings and reactions like rage, anxiety, sadness and annoyance. Currently, there are not enough defining words that tell readers what the character is feeling and that makes the reading experience bland. Hope you can work on that.

Writing Style :: 5/15

Everything that I mentioned till now, about the unexciting part and the characters and emotions and the execution of plot, it can all be improved if you improve your writing style. The main thing that is lacking in your book is the style of writing. It's not descriptive enough for a fantasy book. That doesn't show only in description of the world you are trying to build but also the description of characters and emotions.

Throughout the book, I felt like I was reading a script instead of the book. Why? Because everything was ‘he said’, ‘she said’. How to rectify this? Bring in emotions. Use words that show what actions the character is performing and words expressing their feelings, like I said in the above section. The trick is to be more descriptive.

To improve on this, I would suggest you read good fantasy books, a lot of them are available online by very good authors too. There are whole series if you search them. If you really want to improve, stop reading Wattpad books and go for published books and study their patterns and overall world building and how scenes are described perfectly to present a real but fantasy world in front of our eyes.

Grammar :: 5/20

This is another one of your weak points but you can easily improve on that but you will have to brush up on punctuation since it's the biggest issue. Then, try writing a little complex sentences, not run on but not simple either because a lot of sentences are either too complex or too simple. Try to strike a balance.

I noticed that there was a sudden change in point of view in chapter 5. The whole chapter was in 3rd person pov and in the ending it suddenly changed to 1st person. It happens when writing but you should keep an eye on such things before you publish a new chapter to give your readers a good reading experience.

I noticed a lot of tense inconsistency too, the first error one would notice in the blurb along with the awkward sentence structuring and too long sentences. For example:

'But when her father tragically passes away, it's on Estelle to become queen, but she refuses, leaving her younger brother, Stephen, as king.'
A sentence from your blurb.

You could simplify it and break it into two sentences while also making it sound fancy and royal:

'But when the king tragically passed away, the crown was passed onto Estelle. Her refusal to ascend the throne puts Stephen, her brother, next in line.'

You could play around with the sentence structure and vocabulary but the point is to make it match the theme you have chosen. With a royal fantasy au, the vocabulary and delivery of sentences and dialogues needs to compliment each other. Again, for this, the best solution is to read as much as you can and use a dictionary or thesaurus with vocabulary.

Next is the dialogue tag. I think you know about it but not properly. Dialogue tags are used to let readers know who is speaking. 'He said', 'She shouted' are examples of dialogue tags.

When a dialogue tag is used before a dialogue, end it with a comma instead of a full stop.

Example:
He asked, "Where are you going?"

If you use dialogue tag after dialogue, end the sentence in double quotations with a comma unless you are using a question mark or exclamation mark and the dialogue tag should not be capitalised unless it’s a proper noun.

Example:
"I'm coming with you," she said.

There's also confusion between the titles you are using. For instance Balthazar once called Claudius 'sir' and then 'sire'. Just use something one and stick to it throughout the book. The other is 'your majesty' and 'your highness'. Majesty is used for king and queen while highness is used for prince and princess. Hope you can make the necessary changes.

The last thing I would say is to keep the period you have chosen to write with in mind and do thorough study about the language used in that period and the proper etiquettes. It makes a great impact while reading when the language matches the settings of the scene. There goes a lot of creativity into that and lots of research but if you want your book to get recognition, going the extra mile will definitely pay off.

Remember to proofread before you publish a new chapter and make sure there are no typos or grammatical mistakes that can be easily avoidable.

TOTAL :: 40/100

Reviewer's Note :: I know this is a long review and the rating is very low too but like I said, your plot has potential and to make it work, you have to execute it well and do the necessary research. I'm sure you'll get there in no time and I hope you take this review positively and do your best!

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Yours Truly,
SeeSaw Fam.