↻ AUTHOR ࿐྄ྀ  jikook889
↻ REVIEWER ࿐྄ྀ  TaesNemo

First Light :: 9/20

» Title :: 2/5

Titles are normally supposed to be very specific in both meaning and purpose; not vague and misleading.

"Call" a word; just a term that can mean any type or kind of call. A call is done for various purposes, in numerous situations, by anyone, etc these details make the term vague and not specifically related to the story or plot.

Take the purpose of your plot and characters as a base to brainstorm on title names. See that it's specific and connected to the plot. Be cautious to not make it misleading in any way.

» Cover :: 4/10

The genre of the story is angst, and contains scenes that mention abus3 and su!c!de, such mature topics can be best presented with a dark theme which you have tried doing.

But the current cover gives off a neon theme vibe due to the multiple highlights and graphic effects given to both the face claims. The background is just a blur work of colours and depicts nothing specifically. The font is simple and too big compared to the author's name that seems almost invisible.

Bringing it to a duller shade with soft colours not very bright ones but light hues that give off a dull and depressed vibe could make the cover more relevant.

And Jimin's picture looks like he is holding a matchstick. But there isn't any reference to any matchsticks in the story, so why is it there?

Add elements that are related to the story and are mentioned with significance in the plot, for example the bridge. The whole time when yoongi tries to find out jimin's location, is a critical moment and finally figuring out that it's a bridge comes off as a big relief to him.
A shadow or impression of a bridge could highlight the location in the cover.

» Blurb :: 3/5

It's pretty balanced with a few quotes and a short intro to the plot. But somehow the blurb is not creative enough to attract the attention of the readers. There isn't anything that can intrigue the readers and make them want to know more about the rest of the story.

For this I suggest you rewrite the blurb with a better writing style and add in an open ending. For example leaving the last lines open for the readers to find out if Jimin came out alive after the phone call or was Yoongi's attempt to save the guy a failure. Highlight the ending and twist to leave a lasting impression on the readers.

Dawn :: 5.5/10

The plot in itself started off well.
But talking about the chapters, the one with the explanation on the writing threw me off badly. The corrections for it I will be giving in later criteria. The rest were good enough.

Plot and Idea :: 13/20

It is a really small concept that's been dealt with. An insight into the functioning of a call centre could have been explained more in detail.

The topic of depression and su!c!dal plans are hard subjects that need to be written in a slow place showing actual progress in the depression to show the readers how Jimin's character falls into depression.

For an oneshot, what's been written is very little Information. Only Yoongi's pov is written over and over again and Jimin's perspective is not shown at all throughout the plot.

Adding in portions that show jimin's pov and his backstory in detail can first help put in more angst to the story. Second, readers need to know what he went through and faced to know the severity of his condition.

It will help give a reasonable explanation for Jimin's decision to fall off the bridge.

Characters and Emotions :: 9/15

First, I know this is a written work mainly focusing on spreading awareness on topics like su!c!de, abus3 and call centre functioning. The Oneshot, as I see it, is written in a very compact and explicit way, with not much description, elaboration, or unrealistic scenes.

But for a fictional work that's based on a heavy genre like angst, more description, going out of the way to show the readers what the characters feel and how a particular scene affects the mentality of the character.

For example, when Yoongi finally meets Jimin at the bridge all hurt and destroyed, writing his emotions and the situation more clearly can make the scene more emotionally packed and good to read.

Writing Style :: 7.5/15

The writing style isn't anything unique or creative. A simple description of every scene is what has been written. I don't see any creativity or out of the box style in the writing.

Changing the way you write each situation, the way of describing things, even trivial matters when written with a profound vocabulary can help make the writing look and sound nice. Makes even a simple oneshot read worthy.

Rearranging the sequence of whatever is happening or maybe giving in cliffhangers here and there, since it's an angsty plot, can make the read worthwhile and interesting.

For example, writing the ending scene first and proceeding to show how it all started and came to this can be one way to keep the readers on edge while reading. Nonetheless I suggest you keep adding more description rather than sticking to the details and writing in a minimalist way. Show the readers what's happening rather than writing down the details so they can read.

Grammar :: 11/20

The first thing I wanna point out is the explanation for dialogues you have given at the first before starting the story.

Using bold font, italics, middle positioned writing are all not the right way of presenting dialogues of characters.

If you look into the usage of punctuation marks like (") double quotes and (,) commas, they are used for writing direct speech a.k.a the dialogues of characters in the story at present. Punctuation marks separate the dialogues from the rest of the descriptive writing. Adding to this, action tags and verbal tags can help illustrate what the characters are doing (action) and what they are saying (verbal) while conveying their dialogues simultaneously. Example :

"I wanna die," Jimin whispered in a tired voice.

Here, Jimin whispered, is the verbal tag that describes how Jimin said his lines.

"Where are you min?" Yoongi grabbed a notepad ready to scribble down the details Jimin might say.

Here, Yoongi grabbed a notepad is the action tag that illustrates what he was doing while saying his lines.

Read more about these grammar rules and you will be able to write the quotes in the right way without having to write them in different fonts.

Second, writing style and vocabulary (word choice) go hand-in-hand, since your plot is set in a serious theme (call center) with professional and skilled characters (Yoongi) in work, writing it in a higher standard using more difficult words that make the writing sound formal and explicit will sound better.

TOTAL :: 55/100

Reviewer's Note :: On the whole I loved reading the book, crisp and detailed description and minimal fictional events. It was almost like a depiction of reality. As a normal reader this was my opinion and I enjoyed the read. Hope the review is helpful and can help improve on the places that you are lacking. Hoping to review more of your works in the future!

●◉◎◈◎◉●

Yours Truly,
SeeSaw Fam.