↻ AUTHOR ࿐྄ྀ ClaireMari29
↻ REVIEWER ࿐྄ྀ lilacgyu

First Light :: 13/20

» Title :: 3/5

The title is quite unique and you can’t find many books with the same title on wattpad. It is also intriguing and will attract readers to the book. However, it doesn’t give an idea of the story. I suggest changing it into something that gives a better idea of the story.

» Cover :: 8/10

The cover is well made and it gives an idea of the theme of the story. The colour scheme matches the title of the story. It also gives a good first impression to the readers. However, it looks a bit messy  as there are a lot of things happening in the cover all at once. There also is no subtitle in the cover. A one-line description of the plot, or a catchphrase will help give the readers a better idea of what they’re getting themselves into. I suggest adding a subtitle to make the cover feel more complete. This will also help in attracting more readers.

» Blurb ::2/5

The blurb gave away the right amount of information to leave the readers intrigued. There wasn’t way too less, or way too much information about the plot in the blurb. However, I felt like the blurb could be more well written. A lot of the sentences felt wrongly-structured. For example:

“She used to live a lavish life until someone gave her father a proposal to grow their business empire in Japan, which leads to changing things unexpectedly.”

Here, “which leads to changing things constantly” is not structured right. “Leads to” is unnecessary in this particular sentence. ‘Leads’ is also not in the correct tense corresponding to the rest of the blurb. Instead of writing it that way, you could write it as :

“which changes things unexpectedly.”

Another example : “Things got worsen when someone hired a Swedish soldier who become her stalker and spy.”

Here, got is unnecessary, and the tense used of ‘worse’ is wrong. The sentence can be re-written as:

“Things worsened when someone hired a Swedish soldier to stalk her and spy on her.”

These changes will make the blurb more appealing and easy to read. I suggest rewriting the blurb and ensuring that no unnecessary words are used. This will help in conveying the information to the readers correctly.

Dawn :: 5/10

The start of the story was quite bland. The prologue gives an idea of what is to come. However, a good prologue is one that manages to hook the reader's attention, which this prologue failed to do. Your prologue has just been used as a dump for information about the characters. Nothing hooking. If a problem was introduced in the prologue, it would have been more appealing and interesting to read. The information given in the prologue was also very direct. This will not intrigue the readers. If there was an indirect conveying of information, there would be a greater chance of people enjoying the prologue. Also, the size of the prologue was way too long. Prologues tend to be way shorter than actual chapters, provide some information about the characters, and introduce a problem or plot twist to engage the readers. The information conveyed is done indirectly. For example, instead of writing from the protagonist's point of view, you could write from the dealer's point of view. Instead of directly giving information about the protagonist right at the start, you could give information through a conversation between the dealer and someone else at the bar after the gambling is over. This will be a better way to write the prologue, and can help in engaging the readers more.

Plot and Idea :: 12/20

The plot on its own was quite good. However, there wasn’t any hooking point in the story. It felt way too fast at a few points, and way too slow in the other parts. There weren’t many plot twists, all of them were already given away in the blurb to make the story seem interesting. Overall, this isn’t something a person would read unless they are interested in kakegurui-like stuff. I personally liked reading it because I’ve watched Kakegurui, but there’s no guarantee that everyone else will. I suggest introducing more plot twists to make the plot more interesting to read.

Characters and Emotions :: 8/15

Throughout the book, it felt like the characters did not really have a personality. It felt like they got happy when they have to get happy, sad when it is required of them. Almost robotic. I couldn’t really feel the emotions of the characters that well, especially since the book has been written in Third Person Omniscient. This POV led to a lot of information being thrown at the reader all at once, which in turn led to them skipping a few aspects of the character’s personality and emotions. The reader cannot easily get into the character’s shoes because of this. I suggest setting a pace instead of continuously switching between fast and slow. A slow pace would be more appropriate for intensifying the emotions of the characters. However, it is also necessary that the book is racey. It is necessary for the writing to be lively, interesting, shocking and mysterious.

Writing Style :: 6/15

The writing style wasn’t very appealing. The descriptions were mediocre, which led to trouble in understanding the characters. There was a constant switch in the pace of the plot, which disrupted its flow and made it hard to unravel. There weren’t many plot twists either, which made the book quite bland. My suggestion is that you try to make the plot itself more interesting. I suggest using foreshadowing to excite the readers. I couldn’t find much use of imagery or metaphors, which could help in making the writing more interesting. Adding this will also engage the readers. The pace is something that requires correction, editing can help with that.

Grammar :: 10/20

I’ll list the mistakes I found:

» Tense inconsistency: Tense consistency is when the same tense is maintained throughout. However, right from the prologue, I noticed a constant switch between present and past tense. For example:

“This young girl had accomplished [...] she’s a well known resident in Toronto because of her role as a CEO’s daughter”

Here, you have used ‘had accomplished’ in the start of the paragraph, which is in past perfect tense. However, in a later part of the same paragraph, there has been a usage of “she is” which is in present tense.

Tense inconsistency is a common mistake. I suggest researching more about tense consistency. I also suggest editing the book a bit to eliminate these mistakes.

» Wrong usage of prepositions: I noticed that there was a wrong usage of prepositions in various places. For example: instead of for, there was a usage of as. Researching more about various prepositions will help correct such mistakes.

» Sentence structuring errors: Many sentences were way too long, and many ended quite abruptly. For example:

“Once the white limo had pulled out to stop at a Chinese-themed restaurant, Mauve quit her solitaire game after she beat her time record to half.”

There is a usage of both ‘Once’ and ‘after’ in this sentence, which makes it unnecessarily complex and long. This could be rewritten as:

“The white limo had pulled out to stop at a Chinese-themed restaurant. Mauve then quit her solitaire game in which she beat her time record to half.”

» Dialogues: The dialogues were way too long. They felt more like a monologue than a conversation in many places. Many of the dialogues were written as paragraphs. Instead of this, you could add dialogue tags in the middle of the dialogues. You could also break the dialogue into parts.

TOTAL :: 54/100

Reviewer's Note  :: This book definitely has potential. My only suggestion is that you edit your mistakes out. A little research would also help a lot.
With that said, I hope my review could help even the tiniest bit! You can contact me if there are any doubts, or if I haven’t covered anything properly. Thank you, and all the best!  :)

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Yours Truly,
SeeSaw Fam.