↻ AUTHOR ࿐྄ྀ  durarafhana
↻ REVIEWER ࿐྄ྀ  astrxzaki

First Light :: 10.5/20

» Title :: 2.5/5

‘Consigliere’ is not an uncommon word I see in fanfictions and fanfiction titles (especially those that include mafia groups and such), and although the title is catchy and is relevant to the plot, it’s also rather plain (and slightly long― do you know how many times I’ve spelt ‘consigliere’ wrong?). Yes, it attracts readers’ attention, but it lacks a bit of uniqueness and originality. Just a tad bit.

For me, it seems like your typical cliche mafia au with an overused plot line. But your title is fine and you don’t exactly need to change anything just because I said so, not unless you want to and find a better, more suiting title for your story.

And on another note, please refrain from using fonts in your book’s title. They make it difficult for some readers to read what it says, seeing as some devices can’t properly display characters with fonts and make it so these ‘boxes’ will appear instead.

» Cover :: 5/10

The cover, whilst having a decent color scheme that’s fitting to the story, is too basic, for lack of better wording. It doesn’t fully capture the story’s dark and mysterious-y vibe, and I believe an interesting yet well put-together cover plays a huge factor in garnering potentially interested readers’ attention.

I suggest changing the title and subtitle’s fonts, minimizing the subtitle’s size, and adding your username― preferably at the bottom, where most author names are usually located― on your cover. The background editing was already done well. You just simply need to tweak a couple more things.

» Blurb :: 3/5

Your story’s blurb drops hints about what the story’s plot line is about, but it’s too vague and dull. It gives the general idea and gist of what the story will be like, which is ideal for a bio, but I suggest adding more aspects that make your book unique, something that will immediately attract a reader’s attention.

I also noticed multiple grammatical errors, mostly in the narrative part of your blurb. For example, ‘two person from two family’ is incorrect, seeing as ‘family’ and ‘person’ are both singular.

Revision example:
A story of two individuals from two families― both from different ranks, with dissimilar responsibilities, born to fix problems and lead their groups to victory. Understanding each other was the hardest thing they could do, but as fateful events intertwined their paths, they might just find themselves falling in love with each other.

And adding quotes is fine, though I suggest you refrain from using any kind of font in your book’s bio― for the same reason why you also don’t need fonts in your title.

Dawn :: 7/10

The prologue went straight to Lisa’s reaction to the announcement of her arranged marriage, followed by a scene that explains how much Jungkook respects the Wang family. The starting came off strong, and it’s interesting enough that it opted me to continue the story. Which is a good thing, of course.

Although, the switching between (third person, but character-centric) POVs did irk me a bit, but I got used to it so this isn't that big of a negative factor. Your prologue gave me high hopes and excitement for your story, which is ideal so readers can pursue reading it, so I applaud you for that.

Plot and Idea :: 15/20

I have to say, your story’s plot is a bit different from what I expected. I honestly thought this’d just be your typical mafia/arranged marriage au, one with rivals-to-lovers elements and a shitload of sexual tension between the leads, but this strays away from that a little bit.

While I do still think these kinds of mafia aus are overused, I have to say, I am a bit pleasantly surprised. You managed to put your own ideas into the storyline, adding plot twists and conflicts that have yet to be solved into the mix, so props to you for that. Though, I have to warn you, too many plot twists just adds more fire to the drama and sometimes ruins the book, so watch out for that.

Characters and Emotions :: 4.5/15

I’ll be blunt about this― everything involving the introductions to characters are done so quickly that even after reading the same chapter thrice, I still get confused on who’s who. If you don’t want to publish a segment properly introducing the characters, that’s fine, but I also advise you not to dump lots of characters in one chapter, much less a paragraph. Take time to properly introduce them,

In earlier chapters, when it said that the one who attacked them was their uncle and not the Manobans, it went by so fast that I nearly missed it. I think you should’ve properly explained how they found out and what their reactions were, along with the families’ reconciliation and the changes of their feelings on the conflict― the hatred melting away, replaced by guilt and need to apologize for misunderstanding the situation and judging the other.

I also think the time skips in chapter five are too hasty. Jungkook left Korea and his family to go to Italy and came back in the same chapter, which really kills the mood, if I’m being honest. I suggest you let the mystery of Jungkook’s disappearance stew for at least one to two more chapters, focusing more on Lisa’s story and her family’s growth first, before letting him waltz back into Korea and back into her life.

Writing Style :: 7/15

Your chapters are average when it comes to length; not too short, but also not too drawn-out as well. The pacing is controlled, not hasty nor is it slow, but something that hinders me from completely liking how you write is the consistent switches between past and present tense.

Example one:

Duke sigh and look at him. “The Manoban’s family will arrive in 20 minutes. Then, the meeting will begin.” Jungkook hummed in acknowledgement.

You used ‘sigh(s)’ and ‘look(s)’, so I had assumed the rest of the narrative was also set in present tense. But after detecting phrases in past tense (i.e. hummed), I realize that it wasn’t the case. I propose you stick to one tense only to avoid confusion.

The example snipped seen above can be changed to:

Duke sighs and looks at him. “The Manoban’s will arrive in twenty minutes. The meeting will begin then.” Jungkook hums in acknowledgement.

And in order to keep the paragraph neat and orderly, I advise you to refrain from adding more than three dialogues― especially if they’re stated by different characters― in one paragraph. Instead, try splitting them into multiple ones to prevent the chapter going into disarray.

Example two:

Jungkook nods “of course father.” Someone fake a cough catching their attention. “Forgetting your brother or what?” Jungkook chuckled at his stepbrother’s childish behavior.

“Congratulation on your marriage Jackson Hyung” he gives Jackson a brotherly hug which Jackson accepts wholeheartedly.

The sample sentences above can be revised to:

Jungkook nods. “Of course, father.”

Someone fakes a cough, catching their attention. “Forgetting about your brother, Jungkook?”

Jungkook chuckles at his stepbrother’s childish behavior. “Congratulations on your marriage, Jackson hyung.” He gives Jackson a brotherly hug, which Jackson accepts wholeheartedly.

Grammar :: 10/20

I think I already mentioned this in the ‘writing style’ section of this review, but I’ll mention it again. Some sentences are lacking, specifically in the punctuation and grammar areas. I’ll get to the punctuation part in a few, but first, let’s talk about grammar and spelling.

First of all, I notice how most dialogue tags (i.e. say, ask, point out, etc.) are missing an ‘s’ at the end. Without the ‘s’, the verb(s) is/are incomplete and grammatically incorrect. I recommend you double check and place correct terms when you’re editing or writing (or use editing sites like grammarly, to make it easier and less time-consuming).

Example:

“Duke, my friend.” He said with a friendly tone which Duke reply with. “It’s been a while, my friend.” Duke reply as they nod to each other.

can be revised to:

“Duke,” he says with a friendly tone, to which Duke replies with, “It’s been a while, my friend.”

Another is the constant repetition of words. I’m pretty sure ‘consigliere’ was mentioned at least four times each chapter, and I’ll be honest, it’s bothersome, really, having to see the same word over and over again. Your vocabulary is decent, but I suggest you expand it and learn to use other words, like ‘adviser’ and ‘assistant’.

And last but not the least, punctuation. I noticed multiple errors in that department; honest mistakes, but I think you should fix them.

An example is, when you say ‘Wang’s’, you’re referring to a single person only. But when you say ‘Wangs’’, you’re referring to a group of people with the same (last) name.

Ah, and this may just be me, but using Korean terminologies like ‘unnie’ in narratives are a bit bothersome. Please stick to English terms only (i.e. eomma = mother), so those who have no knowledge about the Korean language can understand.

TOTAL :: 54/100

Reviewer’s Note :: I hope I didn’t come off as rude or ill-mannered. I’m sorry if you feel offended by my words, it’s not my intention to. But I sincerely hope this review of mine helped you. I look forward to seeing your improvement, and good luck!

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Yours Truly,
SeeSaw Fam.