P A S T

USA

NIKOLAI

Parties were not my thing, and I had no idea what I was doing here tonight. I'd rather be sitting in my dorm room working on one of the assignments I had piled up, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. So, my roommate had insisted, I stop moping and come back to the world of the living. If only the fucker realized my dead state was still better than the functional state of most college students.

It hadn't been long since Mom died, and ever since her funeral dedushka was on my back to return back home. Fucking hell, he didn't even know there was nothing left for me back there. I suppose it wasn't his fault either, Mom was, after all, his only daughter and he'd indulged her as long as she was alive, but now that she was gone, he needed me back where I 'belonged'. Fucking hell. I ran my hands through my hair, pushing the hoodie off my head, I stepped inside the packed frat-house, the stench of sweat and cheap beer embracing me instantly as my hair fell over my eye. Alan, my roommate and only friend, who also happened to be your average college fuck-boy was nowhere to be seen, and to be frank, I'd seen enough of him over the last two years. After a couple of nods, and waves at some familiar faces, I took out my phone from my pocket and started scrolling through my emails as I made my way up to the roof for some much-needed silence.

I closed my eyes as soon as I was out and took a deep breath, however, what I hadn't expected was cigarette smoke. My eyes snapped open as I suppressed a coughing fit and turned towards the source of the smoke. Any and all the remaining air seemed to have left my lungs as my gaze caught the deepest shade of green I'd ever seen. The red leather jacket over her shoulders was a stark contrast against the night and her blonde locks dragged over her face because of the wind as she offered me a smile, and her cigarette. Before I had the chance to respond, the coughing fit I was trying to suppress came back full force, and fuck, I think that was a hell of a first impression, and I didn't think it was the good kind.

"I'm so sorry," she rushed, unhanded the cigarette, and squashed it with her foot before turning back to me.

I cleared my throat, "Oh, no, you don't have to apologize." I smiled, looking down at her half-burnt cigarette, "I'm sorry I ruined your smoke,"

She chuckled, and I couldn't have sworn it was as sweet as a melody played by the masterful of hands, tugging at just the right strings of my heart, and I didn't know what was it about her, but I wanted to know who she was. I wasn't a poet, but if I was, I'd surely say that the buzzing in my blood and the faint desire to be closer to her was like the first drop of rain in a desert or the first ray of sunshine after a storm.

"I can have another," she shrugged, pulling a pack out of the pocket of her jacket, and then pocketing it again before looking at me, "don't worry, won't do it right now." Her eyes caught mine before they widened, "promise!"

"That's a relief," The smile refused to leave my face as I breathed out, wanting to stretch this conversation, but not knowing how to. "I haven't seen you around before, are you new?"

Fuck, now I was dabbling in small-talk, something I'd always said was the tool of the people who were scared by silence, yet in his situation, I assumed it was because I wanted to hear her voice. She could talk for ages and I'd listen. She had that aura around her, the magnetic kind that pulled you in her orbit before you even had the chance to blink, and I didn't mind in the slightest.

She stared at the sky, the air still blaring with the faint noises of the party music playing downstairs at the speakers' utmost capacity, "You could say," she said, before turning towards me, "I'm Keira, by the way."

It seemed like her name had gone and locked itself somewhere inside me, I didn't know where, but I had an inkling, I'd find out soon enough, "Nikolai," I smiled before offering her my hand, which she took. Her soft fingers brushed against my palm as my hand closed around hers. I hadn't wanted to pull my hand away, but if I needed a chance to even make it to the first date, I needed to play my cards right, and it appeared so, my lack of experience in the dating field was quite apparent.

"So, Nikolai?" I turned to her, "you go to school here?"

"Yeah, don't you?"

"If you'd asked that a day ago the answer would have been no," she laughed, before tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, the cool December winds brushing against her with a cruelty that was unique to them, and despite my ass nearly being frozen, I didn't mind. "I just got in today,"

I arched my brow, confused as to what she meant. "I transferred," she clarified and I nodded in understanding, once again short of anything else to say.

I didn't know what this was, but I'd never found myself in such a predicament before. Well, to be frank, I hadn't felt this with anyone else before this moment. I forced myself to not stare at her like a fucking idiot and trained my eyes at the cloudy sky, well aware of the chill in the air that didn't seem to be reaching me at this point.

"Did I take your spot?"

I turned to her, slightly confused, though I was unsure what the cause for my light-headedness was "Huh?"

"This place," she motioned with her arms at our vacant surroundings, faintly vibrating with the music underneath.

I shook my head, "I'm not around that often to call it my spot."

She bit her lip, her eyes narrowing before she relaxed and exhaled, facing the sky, and folding her hair into a bun. This time, the silence didn't seem awkward, it was almost as if this was the most serene I'd ever been in a while, and if it didn't any voices, then I wasn't one to force it.

*

Alan had been making jokes on my account, and I suppose he had a reason to be as I'd failed to get the number of the one fucking girl I'd looked twice at in two years—his words. I hadn't seen her since Saturday, and it was Wednesday now, and I couldn't help but feel that maybe Alan was right, and I had indeed lost my chances. That thought had my heart clenching with a fear I had never felt before, however, I'd told myself the only words of wisdom that left Alan's lips were when he was drunk. The man knew fucking shit about actually liking someone considering he had a new girl on his arm every week.

Shaking my head, I closed the lid of my laptop and started walking towards my next class, feeling glad when I found the seats at the back empty. I could be a nerd, that didn't mean I couldn't enjoy one of the finer joys of sitting in the back. I pulled my hood back over my head as I eased on my seat, and opened my laptop in front of me. The door opened with a creek, and my eyes shot up, I wasn't prepared to see her walking in my class, her gaze dancing over all the empty seats in the room, before landing on the one next to me. I smiled, straightening as she made her way over to where I was sitting.

"Hi," she whispered shyly as I moved back, leaving her room to walk to her seat.

"Hey," I smiled, making a mental note to tell Alan to fuck off.

After that, it just seemed like everything about her and I flew like a river, conversations with her came effortless, and before I knew it we were meeting up every morning getting coffee as she'd make the most ridiculous of topics somehow interesting. I'd often find myself not being able to breathe when she wasn't around and then when she was around, I could never catch my breath. Alan had made it abundantly clear that he thought I was pathetic for not asking her out yet, but something had always stopped me. I wanted to tell her it wasn't her friendship I was interested in, but I couldn't bring myself to ruin the one good thing in my life. I remembered when it first I met her, December 18, and now it was almost October. Three seasons had changed since then, and it had started feeling like if I didn't make my move soon enough, she'd be something like a season in my life, and I didn't want that. I needed her for every season in my life, but how the fuck did I tell her that without scaring her away?

"Shit," I wasn't aware the word had left my mouth, but I was painfully made aware of it when she looked away from the screen of her laptop, her brow raised at me. Those greens in her eyes danced with the blacks in them as light broke against the center in gold flecks.

"What happened?"

I swallowed, "do you want to have dinner together tonight?"

Her eyes narrowed, "we do that every other day, what so special about tonight?"

"It'd be a date....?"

"Like a date that usually ends with kissing...?"

"It could end with that if that's what you want." I leaned forward, making sure I held her gaze, or maybe it was the confirmation I wanted that I wasn't the only one catching feelings.

"Oh..." She exhaled, and I held my breath for her response,

"Stop thinking, Keira." Her tumultuous eyes met mine, and I didn't know what she saw in mine because she smiled, and her fingers brushed against my hand on the table before she intertwined our fingers. It wasn't the first time she had touched me, but something was different about this. It started like tiny flickers of flames warm and comforting like a wave flowing back into the ocean. I looked at her fingers fitting in perfectly with mine and a smile I couldn't control escaped me, "I'll take that as a yes,"

"If you must." Keira shrugged, before biting her lip as I wondered what would happen if I kissed her right now, but then I let that thought go. I hadn't waited so long to not have the first time I'd kiss her be special.

*

The date in itself had gone more than fine, but now that I was walking her back to her place, my palm had started getting sweaty and I was pretty sure she knew it, considering she was holding one of my hands. I wasn't aware where these nerves had come from, but it seemed like I'd lost my voice and anytime I'd look at her the best I could do was muster up a nod. I'd checked the weather before leaving but as it seemed that was going to go wrong as the first drop of rain fell over my forehead, and then everything seemed to go out of control as it started raining cats and dogs, forcing both of us to break into a sprint on the sidewalk.

"I bet you didn't think this would happen!" Keira screamed over the rain, her voice gleeful. I turned my head to look at her,

"I have no idea how you are amused. We're going to get sick if we stay in this rain." I said, tugging her along as I rushed, making sure I didn't fall flat on my face as it had started getting slippery.

She tugged at hand, stopping me, and I turned around, towering over her with my height, water dripping from my hair as my clothes clung to my body. She wasn't in much better shape, but even with tiny droplets of water on her face, her hair sticking to her face, she had a blinding smile on her face. Her smile attacked me full force. I was unprepared for the way it'd make me feel. I never realized Keira smiling at me under the rain would be the one thing that'd undo me. It seemed like a waterfall, the way I seemed to have fallen for her. Slowly, unrealising, at the start to a loud crash as I fell down the cliff. My hand seemed to be working on its own as I pulled her matted, wet hair away from her face, carefully tucking them behind her ear, before running the pad of my thumb over her cheek. It was only then that I realized how close we'd gotten. My heart was beating against my ribcage, and I was certain she could feel it. It was maddening, the spell I seemed to be under, but if this was a curse, I didn't want it broken for anything that'd get me feeling like I was drunk without a drop of alcohol in my system this must be worth it. My nose brushed hers, and in that little moment, I didn't feel the rain falling against my head, the only thing I felt was her hands on my chest. She moved one of her hands up to my face, and pushed my hair away from my eyes,

"You're not doing to vanish on me are you?" her voice, sweeter than any melody I could ever hear whispered against my lips and encased itself in my heart, and before my mind could even comprehend an answer for her, my lips seemed to have touched hers, and that was the end of me.

"Keira," her name ran through my veins like my salvation, and I brushed my cheek against her, my breaths short, and that little taste of her was nowhere near enough, she was everywhere like a ghost, and yet it wasn't nearly enough, but the water falling was a reminder that I had to get her to her building, which we were only a block away from her building, and—

A groan left me when she tightened her hold around my neck and pulled my lips back to hers. Maybe that was what'd freed me because my arm tightened around her back as I grabbed her jaw with my hand, angling her face before swiping my tongue over her lip, beckoning her to open and it seemed like the sky had just opened and swallowed me whole before dropping me back into the ocean and now all I could do with water filling my lungs was breathe her in, and somehow still be alive without any air in my lungs. Every sweep of our tongues together pulled me deeper into an abyss I was unfamiliar with, but this time I didn't have any fears. I surrendered to the current that was taking me under and then I let go of the addicting feeling of Keira finding something inside me that I didn't know was lost. Taking her upper lip between my lips, I sucked as her moan vibrated against my lips, and right then we somehow managed to make something out of what was supposed to be a simple vanilla kiss.

Keira's fingers tangled up in my wet hair, and my hand moved down to her lower back, slowly moving down as our mouths made love together in a language they'd soon learn to master because even then I knew she was going to be what folklorists tried studying, but failed to comprehend because it was that fleeting moment, made of starlight and dreams, where you felt it, but like quicksand, it vanished just as suddenly. I needed more of those moments with her, and so I surrendered to the fire sparking the madness inside me. I gave way to the vines curling around my heart, and I kissed her as I loved her.

If only I'd realized that day that one of these days I'd kiss her with the same reckless abandon, but that would be the last time I'd ever kiss her.

Or so I'd thought.

* * *

Soo... what do you think? 

Love the old Nikolai? Hate him?

I hope these little insights make you hate him less for what he's about to do (EEEEEP)

Anyway, thank you so much for reading! I appreciate each and every one of you for giving me and my book a chance! Please leave a comment or a vote.