K E I R A

Moscow, Russia

Nikolai had left for Chicago without so much as a word to me, and as much as I'd wanted to ask him why he'd had to go or when he'd be back, I'd kept my urges at bay and hadn't texted him. I suppose it was because of that little beacon of hope that made me wish that he might've texted me first. Or called. Though both options were long shots, there was a tiny pang of disappointment festering roots inside my heart alongside defeat. I'd tried everything I could with him; I'd apologized, tried explaining, but he wasn't budging. I was at the end of my wits, which was why I hadn't gone to him even though I knew he had come back last night. I also remembered it was his birthday today, and I wanted to go to him, maybe even hug him if he'd let me, but seeing him came with a pain deep in the hollow pits of my soul because when he saw me, he only looked at me with his gaze full of hatred. My heart ached just thinking about him, but as always, my addiction won out. Before I even knew what I was doing, I was walking towards his office because in all the weeks I'd spent here, I'd learned that he locked himself in his office until evening unless he had business outside. With every step I took, my palms turned clammy, and I wiped my hands on my dress before knocking at the door, my fingers tightening around the door-knob.

He hadn't looked up when I'd entered, but I knew from the tension in his shoulders that he knew it was me. Closing the door behind me, I sighed as I walked closer to his desk, unsure if I was relieved that he wasn't looking at me.

"Happy birthday, Niko," I whispered, and I didn't know what I was expecting, but I was certain it wasn't a grunt from him. "What?" I found myself speaking as irritation took hold of me.

Nikolai moved his eyes from the screen and faced me as he leaned back in his seat, his body language casual, "One would think eight years is a long time to forget,"

His words were like knives in my heart, and I swallowed, feeling suffocated by all the hatred he kept subjecting towards me when all I wanted was a chance to explain, "You seem to remember it all,"

Nikolai pushed his chair back and stood up, fixating me with his gaze as he folded his sleeves up, his forearms revealing his skin. "I wasn't the one that left."

His words were like a punch to my stomach as they stole all the air from my lungs, and in his well-heated room, I felt the coldest I'd ever felt. The sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach had swallowed me and in it was the throes of my misery; it washed over me that maybe we were too broken to be fixed and too fucked up for a fresh start. He'd never forgive me, and he'd made it clear that he would never love me again. Maybe it was time I started believing his callous words even though, at the very thought, pain seeped through my veins, and all I wanted to do was just fall.

"I can't—" My mouth fell open as I tried to get the air back into my lungs, "I can't do this anymore."

"Do what, Keira? Lie?" Nikolai was now standing right in front of me, the tips of his shows kissing the tips of mine.

Ever since I met him again, he'd been saying things just to hurt me, and my heart had enough. It was no longer enough to just let him fuck me whenever he wanted and not cuddle with him afterward or to hold his hand when we walked side by side. We'd become strangers that fucked each other and knew the parts of each other we wished we could be. I'd let him be angry. I'd let him do a lot of things, but I could no longer hold off my anger.

"I've had it with you, Nikolai!" My palms connected with his chest as I pushed against him, and he staggered back, "Am I the only liar here? You don't get to fucking judge me when you hid the same secrets as me and—"

His fingers wrapped around my wrist as he held my palm against his chest, his gaze smoldering with a fury that paralleled mine.

"I'd shut up now if I were you." If I was anyone else, the subtle threat in his words would have scared me, but I liked to think that even at his worst, he'd never do anything to seriously harm me because the love we once shared was still there. Even though it had turned into something dark because of our sins and started living off the pain, he inflicted on me. So I goaded him, wanting to just catch a glimpse of what he kept beneath the surface.

"Why?" I fisted my hand, twisting my arm as I tried to get out of his grip, but his other arm came around my waist and tugged me closer to his chest, not leaving any room for me to try and free myself without seriously hurting one of us. "I've taken your anger. I know I deserve it, but what do you want from me?!"

My helplessness had bled into my words, and for the first time, I didn't care that my voice was quivering with emotions I didn't want him to see.

"At least we agree on one thing."

"What?"

Nikolai's hand moved from my waist, and his fingers tightened around my throat, his thumb caressing my skin as he squeezed his fingers and leaned closer, his breath fanning my cheek, "that you deserve it."

I met his steeled gaze, unsure of what I was looking at, "and what do you get for breaking my heart over and over again?"

"I've served my time the last eight years."

"And you think I wasn't suffering?

"No." His one-worded answer surprised me because it was the only form of understanding he'd given me in all the time I'd been back. This word of his wasn't much, but for me, it might've been everything because it allowed the treacherous spark of hope to bloom again inside me that maybe he'd let go of his resentment for what I did.

"Why are you keeping score then?" This time my voice cracked, and I bit my lip as I closed my eyes, willing myself not to cry. "I'm getting tired, Nikolai. I can't—" my words failed me as I sniffled before meeting his cold eyes again, "I can't act like I don't love you or that this," I ran my hand between us, "is nothing."

He stiffened, "This is nothing. Did you think I'd fall back in love with you after fucking you?"

He'd leaned forward, and he stared at the streaks of tears on my face before his lips brushed against the wetness, and his tongue traced my skin where the proof of my crying was, "I don't want that." He opened his eyes, but there was nothing for me to see, so I palmed his heart. "I have always wanted this. All of it. Or whatever's left of your heart."

"You misunderstood, little wolf; there's nothing left here for me to give you. I can not love you anymore."

"Why?" The word left my lips as a small whisper, "Why do you keep doing this to both of us, Nikolai? You can take everything from me, use me, but I just need something to hold on to. I can't breathe when you leave every time."

I waited a few seconds for him to say something, but he was silently observing me, his chest rising and falling against my hand as he breathed calmly, seemingly unaffected when I was breaking into pieces right in front of him.

"Say something!" I half-heartedly punched his chest, wishing that for once he'd let me pour myself deeper under his skin the same way he kept pouring himself on my skin, and I let him even when his touch burned. When he refused to say anything, I wiped my tears with the back of my hands and stepped back, jerking out of his hold. "I need you to make up your mind, Nikolai. Either you want it all with me, or you get nothing from me anymore."

Nikolai clicked his tongue, "You don't get to offer me ultimatums, but I'm curious. What happens if I don't agree?"

I narrowed my eyes at him, "You no longer get to fuck me."

He rubbed his stubbled jaw, "And who does?"

"None of your business. I'm sure I can find someone willing."

I thought I saw a flash of something in his eyes, but I didn't get a chance to think much as he slammed his lips against mine, once again feeding me the poison straight from his lips. My hands came up, and I'd wanted to push him away, but I fisted his shirt, pulling him closer as I tilted my head so he could kiss me deeper. My skin lit up on flames with every swipe of his tongue against mine, his teeth grazed my lips, and the touch of pain was like a knife being pulled out of my body, leaving an open, bleeding wound behind that never seemed to heal. Nikolai's hand went to my hair, and before he could wrap my hair around his palm, I tore my lips away from his, still breathing hard,

"I wasn't bluffing, Nikolai." I wiped his taste off my lips and wished for the first time I could wipe it from my memory, so I didn't have to suffer his pain. I understood his anger; it was like a dark melody inside me, I felt it all, but I also wanted him to love me more than his anger. Knowing it wouldn't happen, I turned around to leave. Maybe it was for the best we ended our game here.

"Staying is always it, isn't it." I turned to look at Nikolai from over my shoulder only to find his hands fisted at his sides, his jaw clenched, and emotion in his eyes. These words weren't spoken by the same man who'd started getting off on my misery, they seemed to have come from a broken part of him, and even in my anger, I couldn't just go.

"What?"

Nikolai reached me in two steps and stopped when his chest brushed against my back, "You're a coward, Keira. I'm this way because of you. I never wanted this life. I fucking wanted to keep away from the brotherhood, but you are the reason I am here, and while you can leave your hell anytime you please, I'll always be the one burning because all you do is run."

"The only reason I ran was to keep you safe."

Nikolai chuckled darkly as he turned me around, so I was facing him, "From who? No one would have made the mistake of touching me."

"How could I have known? When did you let me in about that part of your life?"

My words seemed to have only pushed him deeper, and he lost his iron-clad cool, "Because it was over for me. It clearly wasn't for you since you went back. Willingly. Just like you married me even though you knew. Why the fuck did you do this to me?"

His words hit my heart like bullets, and I felt the pain, but it didn't register. It was like that moment after you'd been shot before passing out where you knew of the pain, but it seemed to be existing in another dimension.

"I didn't do this as an elaborate plan to hurt you...."

"I know," Nikolai sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, "however, I want to watch your scars bleeding like I've watched mine."

A fresh set of tears flew from my eyes as my hand wrapped around his neck, and his hands came around my waist. His hold was tender, but nothing about what we were saying was soft. At that moment, I leaned forward and rested my head on his shoulder, breathing in his scent, and like flowers bloomed in spring, I found myself breathing again freely, and my fingers tightened around his neck.

"I think you've spent so much time loving my memory that you no longer know how to love me."

"Maybe..."

"Nikolai, do you want to kill me? Is that it?"

His hold on me tightened as he pulled me closer, forcing me to stand on my tiptoes to hug him, "shut up," he whispered into my neck.

"Why?"

"I'm done talking, little wolf." I felt him exhale as his lips ghosted over my skin in a gesture that was so gentle I thought I might've imagined it.

"You don't want to keep me; you don't want me to leave. What do you want from me?"

"I don't know."

"Nikolai—"

"Keira," His fingers tightened around me for a fraction of a second, and then he pulled away, his hatred back in place like the little moment of vulnerability he'd just shown had never happened, "I won't let you get inside my head again." He snatched my wrist and led me right outside the door.

Before he could close the door in my face, I whispered, "Decide, Nikolai. Do you hate what I did more than you've ever loved me? Decide what you want because the next time you touch me? It's all or nothing."

He slammed the door in my face, and I stayed rooted on my spot, running through our conversation again, thinking if we could ever go back or if these thorns our love had grown would always sink into our skin and make us bleed. It wasn't long that I heard things smashing inside, and I turned the doorknob in a hurry wanting to check on Nikolai, but a hand covered mine and closed the door shut.

"If you don't want to end up dead, stay out." I turned around to face Alexei, frustrated at his interruption.

"You don't get to tell me what to do."

Alexei smirked, "If you go in there, he will harm you, and then he will hate himself for it. For the sake of his sanity, leave him be."

I sighed, forcing myself to listen to him, and turned around to leave, wanting to just get under the sheets and cry or sleep if I could find it in me to relax my brain for some shut-eye.

***

After tossing and turning and crying for the last hours, I'd gotten my phone and dialed the only person I knew would be there for me. The line rang three times before Kyzer answered, his voice gruff like he was sleeping.

"You should have an excellent reason for waking me up."

I sniffled at the familiar voice, "I don't think I can do this anymore."

"Do what?" The sleep seemed to have vanished from his voice, and I could imagine he'd sat up straighter in the bed.

"Be here. He hates me, and he reminds me every second."

"And? Didn't you want to stay here?"

I sighed, feeling my throat close up, "I didn't realize it would be like this."

"I'm surprised. Anyone could have predicted what's happening right now."

"Ky, please, not now."

The silence on the other line might've scared me had I not known my twin. His brain worked in a different way than mine. He could sweet talk and manipulate the whole world but mostly kept it real for me, and I appreciated that, but perhaps I needed him to be fake today and tell me it'd be alright.

"I wish you were here."

"Do you want me to come?" He exhaled, "I don't like how you dealt with this issue, but if it's too much, say the word, and I'll take care of it."

"And how will you do that?" I laughed bitterly, aware that Kyzer had involved Nikolai in our plan.

"I have my ways." I could just imagine the smirk that must have been on his face as he said it, and I realized how much I missed him. "I do have a job for you if you want to take on something to blow off steam."

"What job?"

"Your specialty," Kyzer replied, and I found myself smiling at the thought.

"Who do I have to lure to death this time?"

"I'll be here tomorrow; we'll discuss this then. You'd have to leave soon, though."

"How soon?" My brows creased, thinking about how Nikolai would take this.

"Like in the next forty hours soon."

"Fuck."

"I'll deal with your husband, and maybe if you want, I'll give him a shiner."

This time I laughed for real, excited at the prospect of being let out of this prison even for a few days.

"Ky?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you,"

"I'm aware," he laughed, and the thought hit me that Nikolai may not let me go that easy, even if it was for a few days.

"Ky, he won't agree that easy, though," I knew he'd understand without me having to mention Nikolai's name, and I didn't think I could say his name without breaking down right now.

"He doesn't have to know."

"He will find out, and it won't be that easy."

"You forget who your brother is. Leave it with me. Besides, some distance will do you both some good."

"Maybe."

"Now, if you don't mind, let me sleep. And find a pint of ice cream to talk to. I hear it does wonders."

I found myself smiling as I hung up again and nearly screamed when I saw a shadowy figure standing under my doorframe. I knew who he was, and I also could think of a hundred reasons why he was here, but before I could say anything, Nikolai turned around and left in the same quiet way he'd come, stealing the sliver of joy I'd felt while talking to Kyzer. His coldness had started seeping into my blood, and I knew taking Kyzer's job would help me clear my head and get some distance from him, and maybe just maybe, it'd force him to think about what it'll be like once I'm really gone.

* * *

So what do you think?

What do you think about the mission Keira will be going on?

Thoughts/theories?

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