Please read the note at the end.

K E I R A

Moscow, Russia

We'd been going at our little game for weeks now, and I didn't know what I hated more, when he sought me out and I couldn't say no, or when he left right after. He refused to give me anything more than a good fuck, and while I'd initially thought it'd be enough—it wasn't.

He treated me like a secret, only to be loved when his demons caught up with him and then left just as quickly as he'd come.

I sighed, my fingers tightening around the steaming cup of hot chocolate in my hand. I'd taken a liking to sitting out here in the garden, where it was quiet, albeit cold, but I supposed nothing could quite compare to the chills passing through my blood every minute of every day. I sighed, bringing the mug closer to my lips as I took a small sip of the chocolatey goodness that almost tasted like melted Belgian truffle. I could've sworn it was the best I'd ever had, but I'd never been picky with hot chocolate. I preferred this if I wanted caffeine, it was the most decadent way to satisfy my craving for caffeine and something sweet, all at the same time.

Busy drinking, I hadn't noticed a petite brunette approaching me, tugging at the sleeves of her cardigan before she wrapped her arms around herself, and took a seat beside me. It wasn't long after that a man I'd seen around Nikolai before followed her, though he didn't join her in sitting beside me, choosing to stand a couple of feet away, watching vigilantly, his dark eyes narrowed on me. I turned to look at the girl beside me, and she smiled. This was the first smile I'd been on the receiving end of ever since I got here, and while it should have made me happy, it left a hollow ache inside my chest.

"You're not used to kindness are you?" She whispered, her sweet, innocent voice telling me that she was untouched by most of the vile things my hands had touched. I turned to the man—Alexei, whom I'd reckon was her husband by the matching rings on both of their fingers—and gave him a nod, understanding his need to protect her. "I'm Irina," she tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, fully facing me now.

"Keira,"

"I know."

"Why are you being nice to me?" My words were indeed the reinforcement I needed that the relationship between my brain and tongue was heavily strained, and it was about time I started working on that as well.

"Why can't I be nice to you?" She countered, "is it because you want us to be cruel to you so you can feel less guilty? Or do you truly feel that you deserve it?"

"I didn't realize any of the people in this place appreciated me being here..." I let my words trail off as I took another tentative sip of my drink.

"That's just the men. They can be imbeciles," she waved her hand, laughing a little. Her tiny frame shook when she laughed, and it was hard not to feel the contagious joy she'd been sprinkling around me ever since she took a seat beside me. Alexei relaxed at the sound of her laughter, his shoulders sagging, however, it was only for the tiniest fraction of a second, before he regained his composure.

"I'm guessing he doesn't share your enthusiasm or being here," I gestured to her husband standing a few feet away from us.

"Alexei is just over-protective," she shrugged, a dark shadow crossed her face before it was gone just like that, "and he doesn't hate you. He's wary." I arched my brow, urging her to continue. If this was the only way I'd get some idea of what Nikolai might be thinking I'd take it with open arms. "Nikolai, he's suffered a lot, and I'm sure you had your reasons, however..." she clicked her tongue, contemplating, "everyone here is loyal to him. I'd like for him to let you in because I've seen how it's been the past couple of years, but it's Nikolai's call."

"What happened the last couple of years?" My heart came up my throat, and I waited as she turned to her husband, both of them communicating without words. Once upon a time, I used to have that with Nikolai, now I was afraid nothing would save us.

Maybe it was about time, we lit up that candles we'd been hiding and finally have that funeral we never got.

"I shouldn't be telling you this." She exhaled, "but I'm going to for no other reason than to make you see that what he is now, everything he does, comes from a hurt he hadn't dealt with for years. And if you want details, you'll need to ask him."

"Okay. I don't blame him for what he's doing now. I know I deserve it." Tears stung the back of my eyes, but I held them back.

"You don't deserve it, neither does he. Both of you need to figure things out on your own before one of you goes too far." Irina said, and for someone so tiny and seemingly sunny, she had a lot of wisdom. "The first two years you were gone, he did everything to find you, and only when the thought of thinking you were alive and suffering became unbearable did he start admitting that you were..."

"Dead." I finished the sentence for her, feeling nothing at the callous way I'd thrown the word around.

"Yes, that." She nodded, "The third year, he started drinking, the year after that it was drugs. You know he almost overdosed, and he would have died if Alexei hadn't found him on time. After that he stopped with the drugs, he still drinks occasionally but he isn't drunk all the time... By the fifth year, he'd started finding pleasure in being the heir to the Chernov Bratva." Irina's voice shook, and she held my hand reassuringly, "I want you to know that the man you're meeting now is a weapon forged by the worst circumstance. He lives by his Bratva oath, and it's up to you to bring the man he's stopped being back."

My heart broke into a tiny million pieces all over again, and this time I didn't even have Nikolai to blame. I'd wanted to blame myself. If only I hadn't left the way I had, maybe he'd still at least be himself.

"How did he get into Bratva?"

"He was always in," Irina gave me a small smile, "he just accepted it after you.... left."

I wanted to see him then, right at that instant, and I didn't even care that he'd been clear that I wasn't to go searching for him, however, this haunting reality of the nightmares he'd had to deal with killed me. It was like an old scar breaking and bleeding again, or maybe it was like every part of me was on fire, and I wanted to get rid of my skin.

I couldn't seem to be getting enough air in my lungs, and I hadn't realized until I felt Irina standing right in front of me, her face scrunching up with worry.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah..." I swallowed, suddenly feeling parched.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't tell you all those things to make you feel worse. I just—"

I lifted my hand, "It's okay... I'm really grateful you told me. Thank you, do you know where I can find Nikolai?"

"I don't think that's a—" I eyed her and she shut her mouth, "he'll be in his room."

I nodded, getting on my feet, and turned to walk away, "And Keira?"

"Yeah?"

"Please be gentle with yourself too." I nodded, suddenly feeling my throat constrict and unable to speak.

I didn't linger after that, and when I was sure Alexei and Irina were no longer in my sights, I broke into a sprint, and dashed through the mansion's corridors, grateful for my sense of direction. I didn't bother knocking on his door and barged inside, heck I didn't bother looking around his space to appease my curiosity. I'd been in his office before, but his room was completely uncharted to me, and I sighed in relief when I saw his back, and a tattoo I was sure wasn't there eight years ago. The intricacy and brokenness of the piece of art mocked me, and I called out his name with a mixture of awe, hurt, and anger. 

"Nikolai...."

He froze, and turned around, a white shirt between his hands, his brow arched as he looked me up and down.

"You shouldn't be here." He said lowly, his voice laced with subtle threats I could care less about right now. "What—"

Not giving him a chance to finish, I launched myself at him and slammed my lips against his. Nikolai didn't push me away like I was afraid he would, his arm wrapped around me, supporting my weight as he crushed my lips with an intensity rivaling mine, and when I bit on his lip, his hand wrapped around my hair, forcing my neck beck as he impaled me on his tongue. He never took any mercy on me, and this time I didn't want him to. His hands were everywhere. He was everywhere. Yet I couldn't get enough. Every time Nikolai touched me, my heart broke into pieces, however, this time around, he didn't even know he was un-breaking my heart without even trying. My tongue tangled with his in a dance they'd mastered all too well on their own as I fisted his hair, wanting him closer.

He was like medicine, just not the kind that cures sicknesses. He was the kind that got you addicted, and you didn't even realize it until a day without the dose killed you.

He used his hold on my hair, yanking my head back, breaking our kiss. "I make the rules here." He rasped, his eyes dark with desire.

"Good thing I've always been a bit of a rule-breaker then?" I arched my brow, leaning forward to press my lips against the throbbing vein on his neck. I moaned when my lips came into contact with his feverish skin, and my tongue peeked out for a taste. Nikolai palmed my ass, his fingers digging into the flesh savagely, and before I could even realize my ass was bouncing against the bed, and Nikolai was staring at me like a predator.

"You know what I do with rule-breakers?" His hoarse voice and clenched jaw betrayed his restraint, and I bit my lip, my hands moving up my torso to palm my tits.

"I'm sure you'll show me," I moaned as I rolled my hardened nipple between my fingers through my shirt. Nikolai's eyes narrowed before he leaned down and his palm came across my tits, and he wrapped his fingers around my throat, holding me up until I was meeting his gaze.

"Your body is mine. You are my little slut," My core clenched at the sheer possessiveness he'd called me that with, "and I haven't given you permission to play with yourself have I?"

He crushed my body to his, my breasts flattening against his chest as my neck turned at an awkward angle. I whimpered when he took my lips with his, the bite of his teeth following soon behind. He sucked my bottom lip into his mouth, his teeth grazing against it as he took my mouth unapologetically.

"So, tell me, did you come here wet and soaking for my cock?" Nikolai growled, his hand undoing his belt, but his haunting, erotic gaze never freed mine for a second. His other hand lowered to my pussy and he cupped it so violently, "Tell me how badly you want me." He leaned forward, his lips right next to my ear as he blew air on my flesh, "beg for my cock, Keira. Beg, like the slut you are."

My nails dug into his biceps as I rocked against his hand, "Please," my voice was barely a whisper, but he caught it, and his teeth sank into my earlobe just as a moan slipped through my lips. He made his way down to my neck, stopping right above my tits, his molten gaze seeking mine, waiting. "Please fuck me, Nikolai."

"Oh, I'll fuck you." He smirked before tearing my dress right in the middle and closing his mouth on my nipple. My head fell back and my fingers tangled in his hair, keeping him there. "But how do you want me to do it, or do you want me to take that ass of yours?" A slap echoed in the room, and I realized he'd spanked me. I felt more wetness pool out of me and I bit my lip, trying to hold my whimpers in.

"I want...." My words were reduced to nothing when he rolled my other nipple between his fingers, and this was so much better than my hands. "Everything,"

"That's greedy," He pulled away, completely getting rid of his pants and boxers before placing his knee on the bed, his hungry eyes stalking me. "And you haven't earned all of that yet."

Before I could even blink, Nikolai had me turned around, my back to his chest and he'd spread my legs, already thrusting the head of his cock inside me. He didn't go deeper than that as he pressed his lips against my shoulder. His teeth sinking into the bare flesh. I rocked my hips, wanting him inside me, however, he pinched my clit with his hand, grunting in my ear. He jammed two of his fingers against my lips from behind, forcing them inside my mouth, "Don't even think about biting me,"

And then he moved inside me in one harsh thrust and my back arched against him. He moved his fingers in my mouth as he fucked my cunt, roughly, ruthlessly, and oh, so deliciously. My thighs trembled from his thrusts, and the sheer way he powered inside me. My drool drips down my cheek, but Nikolai didn't seem to care about that as he rams faster and harder, the head of his cock brushing against my walls, making shivers pass through my spine. My back bowed as he pulled back completely, and then powered back inside me, this time stretching me with his fingers too as he moved his cock inside me.

"Play with your clit as I fuck you, Keira," Nikolai growled, his voice laced with arousal, and I knew his hold on me was stronger than anything I'd known. He was my aphrodisiac, all he had to do was exist and I'd want his hands on me. He slapped my pussy when I didn't obey him immediately and a wanton scream slipped past my lips. I could feel wetness trailing down my cheeks, and I wondered what a sight I must be for him with drool and tears running down my face. My words came out intelligible against his fingers, and when he removed them, I sighed, meeting all of his hard thrusts.

His fingers, soaked with my drool, ran circled around my nipple, and words I didn't even comprehend left my mouth, "Fuck me.... Please fuck me harder, Nikolai."

I didn't have to ask him twice as his pace become almost maniac and he covers my hand with his, running circles on my clit, with the occasional pinching. The sound of our bodies slapping together echoed in the room, and when he wrapped his hand around my hair, yanking my head back and stole my breath with his lips I could've sworn I came. Stars took over my vision and I screamed in his mouth, whimpering against the sloppy strokes of his tongue against mine as I shuddered, and my orgasm rocked through me.

My body was his piano, and he knew how to play it right to his tune and create the darkest melody out of me. My walls constricted around him as I came and he groaned in my mouth before pulling out and pushing me down on the bed on my back.

"Open your mouth," My jaw hung open before he'd even finished his sentence as he straddled me with his kneed around my chest. "I'm going to fuck your tits, and you're going to come again when I do it." My pussy clenched as he ran a finger through my slit, smearing my wetness over my clit before spitting between the valley of my breasts. "Hold your tits," I obeyed and when he slid his dick between them, his fingers tore through my pussy. My tongue fell out as he moved, tracing the head of his cock. My jaw hurt from holding it at that angle but I didn't want to stop. I needed him to come undone, the same way he brought me to the verge of madness.

No, I was already too deep in his madness. It ran through my veins. It was the color of my blood. Nikolai was the color of my blood, and I wanted to be in his system too.

My pussy shuddered again and if it wasn't for his weight, I would've bucked off the bed as black butterflies fluttered inside my stomach, a knot loosening as I waited for my orgasm to wash over me. My eyes fluttered shut as my orgasm collided with me and I surrendered. Nikolai groaned above me, and when I'd opened my eyes his head had fallen back, a few jet-black strands of hair fell over his forehead as he groaned, hot, white beads of cum landing over my breasts and chin. A few broken cries leave my lips as he pulled his fingers from my pussy and slammed his lips against mine with an urgency I didn't recognize, however, I returned his smoldering kisses, taking everything from him because for all my delusions that I could fix what I'd broken, I knew when the high was over, he'd go back to hating me.

* * *

So... thoughts? theories?

Also about updates. I don't have a schedule, I just try to put one chapter out in a month. I know that's not very fast, believe me, I'd like to go faster but since I just started uni, it's a little hard for me to update faster. I hope you understand and stick by me in Nikolai and Keira's twisted ride! To make it up to you, I'll tell you something I wasn't going to until the last chapter of TDDUP. 

Kyzer gets his own book, and it will start right after this one. His book is called Between Pride and Fate. I can't even tell you how excited I am for him. He's my favourite right now ;) Lastly, there will be a third book in Unforgiven Souvenirs, and you will meet the characters in Kyzer's book. Until then I'm saying nothing more about it.

Thank you so much for reading, please vote and comment!